Swirls of Black and Blue

by Azyth

Bruised by life in the Underground, Saph's ruthless in protecting those she loves. In the search for her brother, it's by chance she involves herself with Levi's group to reach the surface and join the Corps. Saph finds herself falling for the man, but can Levi love her despite the bloodstains? People may now call her monster, but her hands were never clean to begin with.

67. Chapter 67

Saph's PoV

Staring at Levi, I tried to mask the grin threatening to peek through. Didn't seem to help much as he gave me a glare before returning to the current task of helping cook breakfast. He appeared absolutely adorable in Honey's floral apron, dotted with sunflowers. Quite the contrast of sunniness compared to Levi's dark glower. Moving around in the kitchen, he assisted Edmond and Honey. They usually argued that their guests didn't have to cook, but when I remarked that Levi knew little how to, Honey rushed to provide something for him to wear. Being an experienced chef herself, she reflected the same aghast expression when I'd mentioned my own inexperience.

It's a part of enjoying life, she argued, being able to make the food you and your loved ones enjoy eating.

"You look so good," I commented, "but I feel bad leaving you guys to do all the work. There are quite a few hungry bellies, and both of you have already been so generous during our stay here."

Honey fluttered over to give my hands a squeeze. The wrinkles creasing each inch held a surprising amount of strength. Their texture revealing her experience. "You know I love creating dishes with you. It's always such a blessing when you and Chaco visit, but with Levi, Pat, and Brogan here as well? That means this is a party, so let me be a good host and have you relax for this morning. Go see what they are and the kids are up to," she said with a smile while shooing me away.

Shuffling my feet, I entered the living room, automatically searching for Chaco's whereabouts first. Bouncing on Brogan's knee, he glanced up from their spot on the couch, "Mama," Chaco shouted. The black mop of hair that had grown to reach the end of his ears flopped from the playful movement. A haircut will be necessary soon.

"Is Brogan giving you a horsey ride?" I asked as I sat next to the two of them. Leaning against the armrest, I tried not to overcrowd the fun.

Pat peeked around Brogan from her own spot by him. "Not just any horsey ride, a Survey Corps horsey ride."

"I want one!" Freud asked from his position on the floor in front of his brother. They appeared to be in the midst of a game that involved rolling a small ball into some sticks.

"We're in the middle of something," Nolan huffed, handing him the toy. "It's your turn to hit the pins."

Patting my lap, I grinned as Freud pouted. "I'll give you one when you guys are done. That being said, I don't know what's special about a Survey Corps horsey ride?"

"We have to dodge Titans," Brogan explained before sharply swinging his legs to the left, still jiggling his legs. "Like that one! Almost got you." He tickled Chaco's sides, eliciting a giggle as my little boy squirmed.

"I'm a soldier! Like you and Dada."

That's not something I wanted from him at all but in reality, the chances of him growing up to become a Survey Corps soldier who fought Titans on horseback did't seem likely. Now there are boats and blimps. Controlled by other humans. That's the enemy now, but who knew what threat could be in front of my son when he came of age for that choice. I wouldn't be there to see it.

"Would you like to ride a real horse?" I asked.

"Not by himself!"

Shocked, I peeked over at Pam. "Of course not! I'd be right there with him. Besides, when he's a little bit older, he gets to ride a Titan." Acting as if I'm reckless with my little boy's safety when it's also important that I don't treat him like glass. The world's too rough for that.

Freud and Nolan both perked up at that. "I want to ride a Titan!"

Oh, dear. "Well," I started, rubbing the back of my neck, knowing that's not likely something Honey and Edmond would be okay with. Even if it's me, Titans are terrifying and dangerous. I'm only fine with the idea because Levi would obviously be there to accompany our son. That fact Chaco's grown up watching me fight as it. Despite the family living in a fairly isolated area, there's also the fact that the flash and smoke would likely be spotted since it's loud enough commotion to be noticed by one of their distant neighbors. Not like I could bring them to the headquarters since Hange doesn't allow guests without a specific and serious reason. Easing my clenched jaw, I gave them a polite smile. "... that's something which will require further discussion with Edmond and Honey."

"Good answer," Pat mouthed to me. Focusing on the two boys who'd deflated slightly at my lack of enthusiasm at the idea, she warmly asked, "Do you guys ride horses often?"

That's a topic Nolan always appreciated discussing. "I have my own! Her name is Claudia, and she's the fastest mare we have. Freud will get his own pony when he turns 8." He appeared to lose interest in the game as he sat up to chat with us. "That's when I got Claudia. Grandpa helped me tame her since she was just a filly. She doesn't really like anyone else riding her but me." He pointed out the window towards the stables. "We have five horses right now, but we can house 7. We'll go to the auction to get one for Freud when it's his birthday."

"I ride Maxim right now with Grandpa's help! He's really old." Abandoning the activity as well, Freud shoved it to the side as he clambered to his feet. "He's the white horse," he said, moving to the window to point out the pony.

Pat nodded, though I assumed it was for his benefit more so than actually seeing the animal since his body obscured our view. "That's a very pretty color for a horse."

"Claudia is a Palomino," Nolan said with pride. "We're going to breed hert with one of our neighbor's stallions."

"That is true," Edmond said, as he walked into the center of the room. "Going to check out some of these handsome men next week." Clapping his hands together while looking around the room. "Are you guys hungry? We got pancakes, eggs, and hashbrowns ready for breakfast!"

Sounded too good to be true. "I'll take Chaco from you," I said to Brogan before turning to Freud. "Guess I'll have to give you a Survey Corps horsey ride the next time I visit."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Following the rest of them into the dining area, I saw that Levi was already seated. With red cheeks and an inability to meet my gaze, I couldn't help but wonder what the three of them had been discussing beforehand. Reaching under the table, I squeezed Levi's hand quickly before letting go. He'd opened up so much more to me recently, keeping the goal of telling me what's on his mind, despite any initial discomfort. Private and intimate, those discussions occurred when we were alone.

Honey and Edmond began to pile food on plates before passing them out. They'd arranged a much smaller plate for Chaco. "Is there anything he doesn't like yet?" Honey inquired as she handed it over to me.

"Nope! Not a picky eater at all." Pushing my chair back slightly, I used the extra room to balance Chaco on my lap, the edge of the table sat just slightly above his chin. He'd grown so much since we'd been here last. "Tell them what your favorite food is."

"Carrots!" He answered, looking up at Honey with his big ole blue eyes.

Pretending to gasp, Honey beamed at his response. "Carrots? Why, I think we have some of those I can go get right now! I always love some carrots."

"What do you say?"

"Thank you!"

Honey bent down to kiss him on the head. "Anything for you sweetheart." Her skirt twirled around her ankles as she glided out to grab the veggies.

"I don't like carrots," Freud said, sticking his tongue out and wrinkling his nose.

After I handed Chaco a children's fork, I turned my attention to his comment. "What's your favorite vegetable then?"

"Beets are super tasty! They also turn my pee purple," Freud added on proudly.

"That they do," I said with a chuckle. Taking a bit of my meal, I savored the delicious fluffy sweet that's slathered in maple and butter. Nothing better than starting the day witha treat. I appreciated the savoriness sides that were also quite filling, but there's a certain glee that comes from the loving regards to seems to get baked into goodies. "It's delcious, Honey," I complimented her as she set down a handful of tiny carrots.

After glancing at my plate, she gave a small laugh. "Levi actually took over that task this morning."

Confused as to why she'd giggled at that moment, I raised an eyebrow, but neither divulged further information on the subject.

Guess that could be left alone for later as well. Surrounded by laughter and smiles, it reminded me of why I thought Chaco would love growing up here, it's something I'd yearned for in my youth. This ambiance of peace and connection.

Levi leaned over to wipe the corners of Chaco's lips with a napkin. "Try taking smaller bites. More will make it into your mouth."

"And less into our lap," I chuckled, picking up pieces of food that'd fallen onto the top of our legs. "You're doing such a good job using your fork though! Do you want me to cut up more of the pancake?"

Feet swinging wildly, Chaco nodded. "Yes, please, Momma."

"We're going to have to leave soon," Levi warned. "Hange will be here any moment."

Just as he said it, the rolling of a carriage and pounding hooves of horses could be heard approaching.

"Stay inside," Pat ordered, "Let's go get the horses ready with Marill's help, Brogan. Then I'll tell her she can start on ahead, and we'll catch up in a moment."

"Thank you," I said, my hold automatically tightened on Chaco. "I still feel that the fewer people who know, the better." Curling an arm underneath his legs, I lifted my baby up, now a bit more difficult task than it used to be. "Can you hold him while I go to the restroom?" I asked Levi.

He nodded, so I passed Chaco off. Clambering up his father's chest, he wrapped himself around Levi's neck in a hug. Levi groaned at the squeezing, but he also began to rub the toddler's back. "You're going to have to be quiet when we go out there. I don't want any of them to accidentally hear your voice."

Rushing off, I excused myself for a bathroom break. It only took a few minutes, but when I returned to the living room, only Honey and Edmond stood there. They hugged me tightly the moment I arrived in front of them. "Thank you for visiting! Always bringing a touch of excitement with you," Honey complimented me. "It's been so quiet since you and Chaco left, but I'm glad to see that you're both being supported and cared for by the people around you."

"Thank you, Honey. You and Edmond always make me feel so welcome and safe."

Edmond tightened his bear hug. "If you and Levi ever want a day alone at home, don't be afraid to ask. Make sure there's room for yourselves in the week.

"Thank you," I repeated, knowing my gratitude would never repay for how much help they've extended to me. "Please let me know if there's anything I or the Survey Corps can do for you."

"Bye," I said as Nolan and Freud, stopping to high-fived each one.

Jogging towards the carriage, I quickly climbed in to sit next to Levi. Brogan sat in front of us, head tilted back as a gasping snore penetrated the air. Geez. He'd fallen asleep fast. Chaco appeared not too far behind as he sleepily blinked at me, head resting on Levi's chest as if a pillow, his father's coat a blanket.

"You gonna take a nap too?" He huffed, wincing as Brogan let another snore rip.

"Maybe," I said, resting my temple against his shoulder. "I promise I won't sound like Brogan."

Warmth spread from the top of my head as he kissed my hair. A rare show of affection outside of the bedroom. "The walls might start rattling if two of you are going."

"Are you not tired?" I asked as I adjusted the collar of Levi's coat resting on Chaco's shoulders, making sure his rustling wouldn't allow it to slip off. "You didn't seem to get much sleep last night." Sneaking my fingers into his closed hand, I gave a reassuring squeeze.

His thumb rubbed soothing circles into my palm. "Hard to not be nervous in a new setting, when both of you are in a more vulnerable position."

"I'm not a toddler," I snorted, "we just have to protect one another. Besides, they just keep sending ships hoping one will somehow get past Armin."

"I wish we'd kept your return more of a secret," he confessed. "Now there are so many Marley soldiers at the headquarters. That damn Beast Titan," he gritted his teeth, "it makes me sick that we're working with him now too."

"You'll be able to kill him one of these days. You'll keep that promise. One slip up on his part, and it's over," I murmured. "Zeke's a treacherous bastard, no way he's on our side." Using the hand that's not interwoven with Levi's, I cradled his cheek, shifting upwards to kiss it gently. "Can you please start making your own rest more of a priority? I'd rather stay up once in a while to take watch if that'll help you relax enough so you can sleep." Sitting up straighter, I peered at him. "What about right now? I'll sit right here, listening for any trouble."

After contemplating the request, he gave a small nod. Switching positions, Levi now leaned against me. My shoulder now a pillow. "Okay. Please do so."

"I will. Now take a nap. Gets you better prepared to confront a problem." I argued softly, "Isn't something always on the verge of going wrong? Any moment of relaxation should be taken advantage of in my opinion."

"Hmph."

Relinquishing his position, Levi allowed himself to melt into the curve of my body, Chaco's weight sliding into my lap in the process. Cradling them both, I felt earnest to fulfill my duty of listen for anything amiss in between Edmond's snores.

Time passed at an easy pace, the horses trotted along with no need to reach the destination of our house before noon. Cozy in the warmth of the sun paired with Levi and Chaco's weight, no issue seemed approachable for a split second.

Rolling to a stop, the creak of the wheels stopped grinding against my ears. I rustled Levi's knee before tapping Edmond's foot. "Wake up now," I whispered, keen to not awake Chaco.

The door swung open, before any of us could say a word, Hange crawled in. "We got a problem. Eren is missing."

"Now aren't you glad you got a nap in?" I muttered to my left.

---

"After a thorough investigation over these past few weeks, we've come to the conclusion that he hasn't been kidnapped," Historia said, sitting at our dining table. Hearing of Eren's disappearance, she'd made the trip over to the headquarters once a week for updates. Deciding she'd be safest here for the night, Hange sent her over after each debrief.

Nodding, I let out a long sigh. "Guess that only leaves him leaving of his own volition. Can't imagine why. It's too bad he didn't leave a note or anything."

"Like yours was so helpful," Levi interjected.

"Its existence should've at least told you I hadn't been taken against my will!"

He frowned at me, clearly displeased at this reminder of me leaving. "There's a chance they'd make you write a note. Try to throw us off." Crossing his arms, a sharp glare pierced my soul. "Also could be why it was so short and without any details."

"Sorry I didn't write, 'I'm pregnant with your kid, so I took off to find a new family for them because you said you didn't want one. Love you, and I'll see you after 9 months.' Would that have been much better?" I asked, exasperated.

"Would've explained a lot."

Biting my tongue, I turned back to Historia. No use in arguing when he's reliving the hurt of the past. "Any idea where Eren might be at least?"

"Hange believes he left the island."

I knew they'd made a few trips to Marley, but the idea of being an ocean apart from Chaco gave me too much anxiety for simply exploration. At least Armin had the capacity to paint a detailed picture of their advanced society for me. "For surveillance or something else?"

"That's what we can't figure out. We know where he likely is, but we don't know his motivation." Historia adjusted her glasses. "He's been acting quite strange these past few months. Cold and distant."

Couldn't agree more with her assessment. Eren certainly hasn't given up, but there's something in his mind that's closing him off from those around him. "It's true. There's not much of a smile anymore. I can't tease him anymore since he doesn't enjoy goofing off."

"Maybe it's the weight of his role," Historia mentioned, eyes downcast. "It's no small thing to carry the Founder Titan."

"What about you?" I asked, frustrated with the current subject at hand. "Being Queen and carrying a child isn't easy either."

Pressing the palm of her hands to the swell of her stomach, Historia gave a big smile. "I've stepped back from some of my duties, so much of my time has been spent resting. Actually enjoyed getting to travel today since I've been cooped up quite a bit."

"I'm glad I get to see you, despite the circumstances. You get bigger every week! Let me know if there's anything I can grab for you to make sleep easier. Blankets, pillows, we have extras if needed."

"Thank you. I'm quite tired after the excitement of today, but there is something else that I wanted to inform you two." That made us both perk up. "Auruo is at the orphanage. There'd been a discussion about other groups who need support, and Hange suggested soldiers who forcibly retired due to injuries." Tilting her head, Historia gave a bright smile. "We sent out a letter to a few saying if they enjoy spending time with children and want to make a little money, we'd give them a job there. There's only three Survey Corps people we asked, he's the only one who responded."

"Titans tend to leave more dead than crippled," I dryly stated, unsettled at the reminder of my former comrade. A long time has passed since he cursed at me for saving him from the Female Titan. 4 years or so. "Not like the ancient fart was very thankful when I saved his life." Glancing down, I felt uncomfortable as an uneasy wave of guilt lapped at my senses. That's not an emotion I'd previously connected to his name. "I hope it's a good fit," I said, meaning it.

Historia appeared quite hesitant all of a sudden."When he heard I was going to the headquarters, Auruo inquired if I was going to see the two of you. After I said yes, he asked me to propose a visit from the two of you. He wants to see you guys."

"Both of us?" I sputtered out. I could see the guy wanting to reconcile with Levi. Auruo always admired our Captain and his skills, despite the irritation surrounding the relationship with Petra. Me though? We barely ever wanted anything to do with the other. Looking back, it's amazing how well the team worked together on the battlefield when some of the members sometimes wanted to kill one another. What a bunch.

All nonchalance, Historia shrugged her shoulders. "Yes, and I didn't ask why."

"Thank you for passing the message on," Levi stated as I continued to struggle for words.

"You're welcome. Now, I must go pee before I go to bed. Probably not for the last time. I bid you both goodnight."

Whittling the time away by counting her receding footsteps, I waited until the flush of the toilet echoed above. "I don't know if it's the best idea. Why does the guy want to see us anyway? Wouldn't it just make everyone feel like shit?"

"What do you mean?"

Did Levi not feel this weight on his shoulders? "If our positions had been reversed, I'd be infuriated if he pranced around with Petra."

"I wouldn't have wanted her to mourn her whole life if I'd died. That's not what the two of us are doing either."

"You mean prancing around?" I said a lighter note to my voice now.

Unamused, Levi took my hand, kissing my knuckles in a surprising show of affection. "I didn't mean to get on your case about the note. I'm just tired of people leaving, not thinking about all the concerned people they leave behind."

It was my turn to press my lips to the back of his hand. "I thought about you every single day, every single night when I left." Rubbing circles, I gave him a tired smile. "Do you not think Auruo's mind still goes to Petra constantly?"

"I know it does. The last thing he said to me was that Petra only cared because of the way you spoke about me. It eats at him still, I'm sure," Levi bit his lip in contemplation for a brief second.. "I know my choices still gnaw at me."

"Wait." I stopped him. "That doesn't make sense. I made sure to never accidentally reveal my feelings to Petra by discussing you in a positive way. That's why I rarely spoke about you to anyone in the Squad. Auruo knew more of the truth than she ever did." Shaking my head, I glanced away. "There's no way I would've expressed that sentiment. She came in thinking you were amazing, and her opinion didn't change once she became your subordinate." Inhaling sharply, I let out a long exhale as my mind raced. "Auruo just wanted to hurt you with his words. That's why I don't think it's a good idea to go. Seeing us won't be pleasant for him, and I don't want to be berated and insulted. Certainly wouldn't stand for hearing anything bad about you either."

Directing his gaze away from me, Levi contemplated my words for a minute. Letting them roll around, tasting if his own response might leave a bitter afterthought. "I think a part of me believes I deserve it. I failed them both."

"That's not true. We all know the risks when we left the walls." Faltering, doubt and worry carved themselves into the deep recesses of my heart. "I see your grief, Levi. How you're still haunted by the deaths of Isabel, Farlan, Petra, and the rest of the Squad. You blame your choices, but you're not the one who caused their deaths, Titans did. You're not weak or in the wrong. It's because of how strong and caring you are that you put a burden on your shoulders. I'll continue to say this until you finally listen to me, it doesn't matter if you're Humanity's Strongest Soldier, it's not up to you alone."

Levi continued to keep his focus on the wall, trembling slightly in my grasp. "There's a certain level of responsibility I will always feel towards the people I care deeply about. You and Chao included." Pausing, his chest rose and fell, the sound of his breathing a rhythm all on its own. "I haven't heard you say that title in quite a while."

"Haha," a chuckle burst out of me, "it's just not how I see you. Like how I've never called you Captain that much."

I didn't need to see his expression in order to gather that it's a scowl, I could hear it in his voice. "Never really respected your superiors is what I remember."

"Well… I did a lot of selfish things back then. The Survey Corps was never supposed to be a permanent place for me; never skipped a trip outside of the walls, but I certainly didn't actively engage with Titans like some soldiers." Shrugging, I fidgeted in the wooden seat, still tethered to Levi by our hands. "All that was important to me was finding my brother for a while."

"When did that change?"

"When did that change?" I repeated back, my voice now an octave higher. "Do you really want to know when I started to develop feelings for you?" My heart skipped two beats saying it out loud.

The flush of his cheeks reached the tips of the usually pale curves of his ear. "Is that something you don't want to answer?"

Hmmmm. Silence swept over us both as I seriously considered the answer. A long time ago. Longer than Levi probably even contemplated, and I didn't need him to feel guilty. There's only one thing that made it a good deal. "I'll tell you on one condition, you have to answer as well."

"Fair."

Didn't think he'd say that. Shuffling my feet so they rested underneath me, I tugged on our enveloped hands. "You going to keep staring at that wall? Can't be more interesting than this conversation."

Stiff, he awkwardly scooted around in the chair to turn around. His bashful expression now in full view of me. "Is that better?" he asked, dryly.

Heat rushed to my cheeks now, and I almost wish I hadn't made a remark. Moving on to the topic at hand. "Do you remember when I found out Kenny raised you for a few years, so I threatened you to tell me his location? Ended up flipping a table in the process?" I rapped the knuckles of my free hand on the smooth surface in front of us. "You helped me clean up after all that…I realized when you saved me that you were good, but I felt like that moment was when I got to see your softer side up close. Experience it for myself. Then when you let me sleep on the floor when I was scared and cared for me when I was sick." Shy at the vulnerable confessions rushing out, as if they've been knocking at the back of my teeth this whole time, I maintained steady eye contact out of sheer will. "I continued falling until I hit the ground and realized I'd landed in this hole I'd never escape." Warm and sweaty, I continued. "I never really imagined you'd reciprocate. Thought you hated me for the longest time."

"I never really hated you, Saph. You scared and angered me with how careless you could be with people's lives, including your own." Finally breaking the hold we had on one another, Levi tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, fingers lingering against my cheek. "Frustrated me to no end with how reckless and challenging you are. Never daunted by anything or anyone. That doesn't mean I don't have some regrets about how harshly I treated you. Sometimes, it made me uncomfortable how much I related to your fury. You were also a young teen when we first met. All hormones and inner turmoil."

The pad of my pointer gently tapped against his nose. "You still haven't answered the question," I said, enjoying this conversation much more now than I had when we started. "Why'd you change your mind?"

Scoffing, Levi raised an eyebrow. "That's a different inquiry."

"Yes, but now I want to hear both!" There's no detail that I'd desire to be spared. Mapping out each transition that bonded us together tighter and tighter till we ended up here was almost necessary for me sometimes. I never imagined sharing my life with him. He'd always seemed out of reach. Better than I possibly ever could be.

"Levi," I whispered his name, quivering slightly, "there are times I wonder why you want to be with me." Saying it out loud felt like risking Levi realizing that I don't have many wonderful qualities. "You've said I'm strong, but not compared to you. Obviously physically, but… you're the one who carries the weight of so many dying wishes and promises. There've been so many changes in the Survey Corps in the last few years. Understandable since we're facing a new threat, moved beyond the Walls, and came into power as an important figure in the new government after overthrowing the last one. We have an almost entirely new group of Survey Corps comrades. They never left the Walls when Titans swarmed this place. All they've done is hate and fear a group of people an ocean away. You and Hange, in some regards, continue in the footsteps of the previous fighters, forging ahead into the unknown and trying to make the world a better place by doing so. You two didn't want humanity to die from the Titans, now you're both fighting to keep this island safe from the Marleyans." Cradling his fingers against the swell of my cheek, I gave a small smile. "I just want peace. How could I be so strong when I'm tired of fighting?"

Before Levi had the possibility of answering, someone rapped at the door. We both jumped to our feet, particularly cautious due to it being such a late-night visitor. He rushed through the hallway as I trailed slightly behind him, listening for any disturbance upstairs. I'd need to get up there quickly if it's an attack, though I don't know why'd they'd announce their presence.

Thankfully, Levi opened the door to find our Commander on the other side. "What is it Hange?"

Panting hard, she held up a letter, "Eren sent this to us. He's planning to attack Marley in a few days."

Hello everyone! Thank you guys for reading, and I hope you're taking care of yourselves. I've been slightly behind on getting chapters out because they're turning out to be so much longer than I initially believe! Not a bad problem, but it does take longer to do everything. I've really enjoyed writing these recent chapters. Bit of a challenge to make sure Levi's progressing as a character without making him OOC, but I do enjoy it. Any comments or criticism are appreciated as always!