Saph
My screeching only dampened once I tentatively began to claw away some of the pieces of what remained of Wall Rose. I'd been worried since the home laid not far from the structure, but I'd thought the Colossus Titans gathering near Shigashina to march forward had spared them. Eren said his intentions were to save the island, there'd been no reason to think he'd carelessly murder its inhabitants. I'd been wrong, so wrong. I now pray that they lay underneath, pinned but uninjured. The other half whispered how I knew there's no haven in this wretched world. That I failed as a mother for thinking otherwise when it's my duty to protect my son. He must've been so scared.
I told you so.
That slithering cold voice whispered to me when I finally reached Honey's body. Shaking, I ripped myself out of the soft flesh of my Titan's neck. "Honey!" I yowled as I fled down the lengthy limb. Panting hard, I knew in the pit of my heart that my cry fell on deaf ears. That she would be reassuring me with a soft smile otherwise. How I wished that she'd move, tell me she got a little banged up but not to worry, everything would be alright.
Bruises swarmed the arms that were stretched outwards on either side of her. Their blue and black swirls were remanents of the weight that'd collapsed on top of her. Seeing that position, I knew it must be because she was trying to protect one or more of the young ones. It pushed me into action. I gently picked up Honey, wanting to maneuver her in the most respectful way possible. Underneath, Nolan and Freud were clutching themselves, utterly unresponsive to my attempts at reviving them. I begged for them to give me a sign they can hear me.
Resting my ear against Nolan's small chest, I felt as cold as his skin when I heard an empty echo where the beating of his heart should be. Both been dressed in their pajamas, they'd been eating breakfast at the table when it all ended. Fabric dotted with horses for Freud and a worn soft baby blue for Nolan. His mother had bought them for him, so he'd continued wearing them each night despite them beginning to become tight.
It was stupid to continue to hope that my son might be alive, but I still did. There wasn't anything else to do besides mustering up that flame of faith and fanning it awake. If not, the unthinkable would be a reality. I couldn't handle that.
Panting hard from the effort to not fall to pieces, a sob broke through once. Where is he? What are th possibilities? I scoured the piles of rubble nearby. If Edmond and Chaco weren't in the dining room with the rest of the family, it's likely they'd been in the guest bedroom that had the cradle in it. A generous gift Edmond had carved with expertise.
"Please let them be okay." My legs wobbled as I picked myself up off the ground. Stumbling over to the location. I grasped shards of wood and stone to throw over my shoulder. The rising anguish in my bloodstream resulted in a sever uptick in my strength. I quickly dug past the pieces of building and wall until I reached Edmond.
Brushing away the dust to reveal his face twisted in agony, I shivered with rage. How dare Eren do this. Nothing to gain in involving so many innocent people, on this island and off, who've never been hateful or violent towards anyone. Children and citizens who just want to live happily and in peace. Like my baby boy.
If Edmond's in here…then…Digging further down, a small head of black hair appeared. My nails ripped out of their beds as I hurriedly scraped away the last remnants that obscured my little one. Eyes closed and lips slightly parted, he almost appeared to be sleeping if not for the trickle of blood seeping from the corner of his mouth. Wailing, I clutched him to my chest.
"My baby! My baby!" I howled. Curling over his little body, I kissed his pale forehead. My voice drastically lowering as I whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." It hurt. Tears fled down my cheeks and snot followed not long after. Wiping away the sticky wet mess on my face with my sleeve, I groaned in agony. I paid no mind to the debris digging into me as I rocked back and forth in a slow rhythm. "My baby. My baby," I repeated, much more feebly. Cradling each button feature on his face, I tried to ignore the large rips in clothing and accompanying gruesome wounds scattered everywhere.
The scent of his skin. The soft strands of his hair between my fingers. There were so many little pieces of Chaco that I was scared would disappear from my memory if I even looked away for a moment. Lying down next to him, I stared with both adoration and misery. He was never supposed to go before me. "You were supposed to go to school. Make friends. Learn and play. Enjoy being a kid and having fun." Tears continued to leak out in quick succession. Resting my head on the cold dirt, I felt defeated. Gutted. As if someone had squeezed my heart until it popped. "I thought I brought you to a safe place; I didn't abandon you, sweetie. I love you so much. Your dad and I love you so so much."
Pressing the inside of my wrist to my mouth, I pitifully attempted to withhold another bout of crackled screeching that arose at the idea of informing Levi. Deep in my own well of grief, I'd cherish being held by him, but not at the cost of bringing this terrible knowledge with me. Better to bear the weight of this alone. Hate rose but quickly subsided due to the swirling pool of sorrow that continued to engulf me, pull me under. No target for my hurt sat easily within my reach. My son had been an accidental casualty, and Eren is far out of reach.
The scraps of anger I mustered up didn't remain long in my consciousness as the hollow absence of Chaco's light was much more noticeable. I just wanted him back. Nestling Chaco tightly to me, I lost track of time as I faded in and out of reality. Not wanting to move, I was only dimly aware of my surroundings getting darker as time passed. My wretched grief continued to follow me, even into sleep.
Beams of sunlight filtered through the branches finally awoke me from my slumber. Paralyzed by the throngs of suffering reverberating in the aches of my joints, I realized I hadn't moved during the night. I blinked away the dirt that settled in the edges of my puffy eyes. Must've been bawling periodically as I slept. A new round of weeping began, expending what little energy I'd gained during my nightmares. For a mere glimpse of a moment, I'd not remember what happened when I first awoke. Then Chaco's white face slammed in front of my vision when I resurfaced to my senses. Seeing my son clearly in the sunlight now, I knew it was time that I tucked him in one more time.
My bottom lip bled as I gnawed on it, considering all my options. Creating graves for him and the rest of the family as a Titan seemed crass. They'd been…crushed to death because of those large beasts in the first place. I wanted to do this with my own two hands. They all deserve that much at least.
"I never thought I'd bury you where you were born," I spoke to Chaco. "It's because of Honey, that I got the idea for your name." A bitter chuckle escaped me. "I'm sure you would've asked about that one day since it was such an odd one."
Getting to my feet took enormous effort. Each limb felt cramped and uncomfortable since I'd been scrunched up for so long. Dazed, I haphazardly limped to the shed's location, it'd been spared from significant damage, but a tree had fallen in front. Everything else in the place had been wrecked beyond recognition. With the welfare of my child at the forefront of my mind, I hadn't taken in all the surroundings yesterday. The line between complete destruction and untouched natural expanse appeared clear to me. I don't know how or why Eren coordinated the Colossus as he did, but nothing had survived the path they carved out for themselves.
"They're heading directly to the port," I commented out loud. Shit. That's where I'm supposed to be meeting Levi and the rest. "Don't make me tell him!" I begged the sky. "He's lost so much already."
Falling to pieces, I collapsed on top of the cracked trunk. We both have lost too much. I don't want to experience this torment again. Alternating between punching the ground below me and contorting under the pressure of grief, I again lost my composure. "My baby. My baby, I'm so sorry," the sobs cracked the air with their piercing anguish. Part of me wanted to die. A large part. I'd taken Chaco here. I'd told Levi he was safe.
The only reason I hadn't slit my throat already was because I couldn't fail Levi by not protecting him. By not being there. I've told him I'd follow him through hell, this must be it. I must be there.
The shed door creaked open as I pushed my way inside. Thankfully, the shovel seemed sturdy enough for the depraved task I have ahead. I'd need to move fast. Hange asked me to guard the Azumabito against the Jaegerist. Now, they'd had plenty of time to reach the docks and set it on fire.
I settled underneath Honey's favorite tree to start digging. The sharp metal tip cut through mud and pebbles easily when I slammed my foot down. Chucking the remanents behind me, I didn't care where the pile fell. I just wished this process wasn't so mindless.
"Heave! Ho! I didn't protect my son from the death blow." Little songs of hysterical despair floated in my head and rolled out onto my tongue as I dug deeper and deeper into the face of the hill. It was either that or let that nagging insufferable voice continue to spew out cutting verbal vile.
You couldn't protect Chaco. You couldn't protect Suzu. What makes you think you can protect Levi?
"Heave! Ho! I still have a long time to go. Damn it." I wiped away the sweat that gathered on my brow. Taking a hard look at my progress, I hated how long it'd already taken me to make one grave. "This is a lot harder than I thought, I'll admit."
Failure. Letting Chaco and Levi down. You're such a disappointment.
I was startled at the whimper that arose. Leaning my weight against the side of my rectangular hole, I enjoyed the coolness of the mud. Covered in grime and blood, my appearance must be disgusting. "I'm so tired." Fading out a little, I realized that I hadn't eaten in a while. "Can I even starve to death?" I asked with a bitter laugh. "Maybe I'll just turn this into my own grave. Bury myself alive."
That'd be for the best. Can't let anyone down if you're dead.
It almost sounded too easy. Letting myself slip away into oblivion, so I wouldn't injure any more of my loved ones. I've fought so hard for so long. Surrendering is appealing. There's a chance I could see my parent, Suzu, and Chaco again in the afterlife. What if they're waiting for me? I'd never be alone ever again. Surrounded by loved ones for eternity. That'd be best since I'm a ghost of myself already. Grief sweeps up everything internally; it doesn't leave room for anything else.
No. That abyss hasn't swallowed me whole yet. There's still hope in my life. "Levi," I said his name as though a prayer. "Levi. I love you, and I want to see you."
"There's nobody I trust more to have my back in battle…The only one who makes me laugh."
Memories of love and care supported me into a standing position. They trickled over me like music, blocking out any negative dialogue. Chaco wouldn't want me to abandon his dad either. There's only one person who'd help me mourn, who'd understand what I'm experiencing, and it's Levi.
"You and Chaco are my family. I can't lose that."
I won't let that happen. Even if I'm the only one left, I have to get back to him. "Instead of following him, you're going through hell to get to him instead," I encouraged myself as I stood up.
The wooden handle creaked as I tightened my grip. "I'd never want him to think I took Chaco and ran away." Staring at one of the sides of the tomb, I considered my options. Not a lot of time left. I'm pushing it already by relying on my ability to sprint fast. Is Levi going to arrive and think I abandoned him? "Never again will we be apart. I'd be buried with him if possible." That's it! It'd be easier to widen this grave to accommodate 4 people than to make numerous ones. Creating a lot of width space is a must since I'd never pile them on top of one another.
Instead of singing, the words I might say to Levi when I see him next stuttered around in the cracks and corners of my mind. Nothing seemed to be good enough to express what's been taken from us. What happened to our precious child. I'm sorry, kept replaying. I wanted to apologize to both of them. Maybe that's what I'd start with first.
You should. You're the one who forced him into being a parent in the first place.
I don't even want to consider that, how Levi might regret becoming involved with Chaco's life if this is to be the aftermath of forming that relationship. Our baby boy was never supposed to leave before us. Shivering violently, the shovel hung uselessly in the air for a moment as a scream shredded my throat on its way out. Why? Oh, why?
Throwing the tool to the side, I began to scratch into the soft soil with my own claws. Overtaken by a tantrum of enormous proportions, I wailed along with each exhale. Each bellow of grief tapered off into a series of small pants as I caught my breath. The terrain caved into my demanding hands much faster.
Leaping out, I found blankets to wrap each body in. The comforter from the master bedroom for Honey. The quilt she'd gifted her husband for his 50th would be wrapped around Edward. One of his prized possessions. She'd done the same for Freud and Nolan, crafting them a blankie that'd become worn thin from how much they treasured the article. Freud dragged his around behind him in moments of needing comfort. Had. Freud had dragged his.
"You guys deserved more than this," I said, now returning the soil into the hole. "I'm sorry that this is all I can give you." Despite my words being splintered with whimpers and sobs, I steadily continued my efforts. It's better than leaving them out in the elements for days. Scavengers arriving to pick at them. With how isolated the farm is, it'd be some time before anyone would be able to get here.
After I'd patted the top even, I stood back to glance over my handiwork. Not too bad for having never dug one before. "Thank you. Thank you for inviting me into your home. Accepting me with compassion and understanding. You guys made me a better person… and parent. I was so blessed to meet you all."
That'd already been an arduous task, and I hadn't even gotten to the hardest part. A beautiful untouched tree stood a little farther apart from the house. I'd made myself at home in those branches when I'd scoured their home and made my decision to have my child there.
I tucked a finger underneath the blanket to pull and expose Chaco's face to me. Lingering, I pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Goodnight. Sleep tight. Mommy will be here when you wake up because she loves you very very much," I whispered before forcing myself to turn away.
Returning back to my mission, I jabbed the tip of the shovel deep into the surface of the Earth. It'd be much shorter work to make a grave for a toddler. Still, I wanted to make sure it was at an adequate enough depth to protect my son from any more harm. I wish I had the time and resources to make a coffin. He deserved a fancy one. I'd seen those a few times in my travels. Shiny thick wood lined with plush cushions inside. That's something I'd spend a chunk of the money I have saved up on. It was all supposed to be for Chaco anyways. For him to go to school, do whatever he'd like for his life, and have a safe place to rest his head. I'd wanted to give him enough that'd he'd be able to continue to pass it down to the grandchildren I'd never meet.
Nothing like that could happen now. All those hopes and dreams would be buried with my baby. I'd be leaving Levi a fortune instead. Not that he's ever cared for money. "Your father would rather go back to living on the streets, penniless than lose you. So would I." Reaching a deep enough point, I knew it was time to say goodbye.
The tears that'd be trickling out now poured out with renewed force as I began to cover his tiny body. A hazy static overtook my senses as my emotions corrupted them with despair and fierce rage. Blinded by the chaos ricocheting in my brain, time blended together. I don't know how long it took me to finish. Once I did, I peeled away from the clearing, trying to leave behind these feelings that are choking me.
I crashed into my Titan form with a vengeance. Plunging through the tangled forest, I snagged on roots occasionally but nothing else hindered my fast progress. I'd taken this route enough that my legs automatically began to carry through the path I'd cultivated a path of overturned trees to the port. My swollen grief erased any caution, and at one point I wrapped my fingers around a gnarled trunk just to smash into underneath me. Wood slivers exploded everywhere.
The clank of my jagged teeth periodically ground against one another, they wanted something to sink into. Run. Run. Run. I might be fast, but I seem to always be too late. Not there soon enough to stop the bad stuff. Have they already reached the port? Been attacked by a horde of Jaegerist who'd prepared a plan to demolish them? Or… have they flown off? Not wanting to wait to stop the apocalypse because of my delayed arrival.
Fearing the worst, I leaned into my momentum even more. I dreaded informing Levi, but I'd feel worse having him think I'd abandoned him or… that something horrifying had happened to us. I needed to protect him as well. Everything else I've cared for in this world is dead and dust. Wrapped up in a desolate place of hate, I felt my mind wasting away. The years of playing happy family were over, and all my old demons were back to keep me company instead.
The gentle slope of the grassy hills indicated if I kept going much farther, they'd evolve into warm sand before evaporating into the sea. Near the headquarters, I began to feel a distinct tremor that was quite different from the Rumbling. Seeing pieces of a building flying up into the air, I realized that the Armor and Female Titan were fighting a swarm of Jaegerist.
Lumbering down the incline, I searched the area till I saw the Cart Titan. Levi sat on a rock not too far away. Knowing how tight the fighting space was between the buildings, I popped out of my neck. I'd go over there after reassuring myself that the other half of my heart is okay. Scampering off to Levi's side, I resisted the urge to collapse into his arms.
"You okay?" I asked as I scanned the tender wounds he'd unwrapped in an effort to avoid eye contact.
"Where have you been?" he gasped, trembling. "I thought you'd been annihilated by the Jaegerist. There has to be at least a hundred here."
Swallowing hard before I spoke, it didn't little to stop the wobble in my voice. "I'll tell you afterward. I have to go fight." I started to pull away, but Levi grabbed my wrist.
"Tell me what?"
"Levi…" I mumbled, finally looking up into those eyes of steel. They'd taken on their usual hardness that came from being near a battlefield. I don't know what he saw in mine. A maelstrom of misery and bloodlust most likely. Whatever it was, it made him drop my arm. "I'm so sorry."
Plucking up two swords, I took off down the hill. With Thunderspears at their disposal, I'd be better off fighting by hand. No time for putting on 3DMG either. Seeing the dots of men and women with black shirts flying around the buildings and Titan's heads, I realized that I'd taught the majority how to handle murdering other human beings, training necessary for facing Marley. They'd seen some of my moves, but they'd never seen me at this height of willpower for laying waste to life.
Ducked low to the floor, my bare feet helped keep my footfalls quiet as I moved forward. The two men didn't have the time to flinch as I snuck up from behind, an arc of blood following my blades when I slashed the back of their necks.
Mikasa flew near me. "Saph, we're trying to reach the ship with the engineers. The airship is on it"
Watching the Armored Titan stretch out to protect the group from a hail of bullets with his arm, I nodded. "I'll take care of them." Leaping from the window sills as if they were steps, I reached the top of one of the buildings.
Once I'd scaled the side to reach the top, I was greeted by a horde of Jaegerist all adorned in black clothes. Now within their line of sight, they wasted no time in releasing a barrage of firepower. Gunpowder enflamed my nostrils. I danced amongst the rubble and the spray of explosions, the surface of the roof shivering from the earthquakes caused by the Titans. They appeared fierce in their large and violent state. However, that also made them the largest targets as they swatted at the bastards buzzing around their heads.
Lined up on the roof, those armed with guns shakily aimed at me while the rest continued to hurl Thunder Spears. My ears began to ring with the crescendo of gut-wrenching booms. Bobbing up and down, I dodged in all directions to evade their attempts of halting my approach. The initial noise began to die down after a minute. "Such a hassle. Counting the rounds and reloading that is." All I needed was those few seconds to be upon them in a whirlwind of gnashing blades. Bones and muscle were cut through as if each soldier was a blade of grass. The floor beneath began to grow slippery with blood, and with the incline of the roof, the men and women who hadn't been diced up into pieces began to slide off. Their corpses fractured further as they crumpled into the road.
Occupied with the ones scrambling around in an effort to evade me, I knew those further down would have enough time to recover and raise their weapons. Chucking my foot out, I smashed it into the chest of a hefty guy, sending him hurtling backward and into the remainder of the group. One man was flung off the roof at the force with the rest collapsing to their knees or stomachs.
Calmly, I stepped over the desecrated limbs, torsos, and heads that littered the area around me. The stench of death must be strong, but it'd clung to me so closely at this point, it'd become part of my own smell. I felt their eyes baring at me once I stepped into the middle of them. Anger, hatred, but most of all, terrer. They didn't want to die today. Neither did Chaco.
It was short work to carve the life out of the rest.
The continued shock of the Thunder Spears caused me to stumble out of my daze. Gasping, I realized the last wave of firepower had immobilized the Armored and Female Titan by destroying their throats and decapitating them. There's so many of the enemy. Licking my dry and cracked lips, I considered the best course of action. I never would've thought so many had joined Floch. "Not gonna happen," I muttered as I flung one of my weapons at a group that was fast approaching the defenseless monsters. The tip penetrated the frame of one of the Thunder Spears causing it to blow up in a mass of smoke and guts. "You fucks better be paying attention to me or you'll get slaughtered!"
Soaked in blood, my feet slapped against the tiling as I darted around with my sword singing while it pranced in between the spaces of my fingers. The hiss of it cutting air was only interrupted by the sharp edge plunging into the soft flesh of the Jaegerist around me. Their desperate attempts to shield themselves with guns were for naught as I chopped up everything in front of me. "RAAAWWWR," I yowled, spit flying. Pay attention to me. Come at me. I haven't been hit yet.
The massacre all around paired with my screeches seemed to have done the trick in pulling more of the focus onto me. "I might've taught you guys how to attack humans, but you've never met someone like me." Twisting the blades in a circle, I grinned. It felt too good at this moment, tearing everything away from them. Now they're the one's squirming underneath the weight of vulnerability instead of me.
"Saph!"
Instinctively, I looked around to see who'd shouted my name. A shadow swooping near my feet caused me to glance up, just in time to see a loose Thunder Spear at me.