On this autumn morning I know my tombstone is graying in the early light.
I know that today is your least favorite day out of the whole year, and that you'll go home tonight and drink yourself to sleep. I also know that you'll put the bottle away in the morning and not touch it for another twelve months.
You still wear that long black coat, with the collar popped up. Your friends said you looked like a vampire. I still think you look perfect. Your hair is longer, a five o'clock shadow left over from yesterday. A wool scarf is wrapped around your neck, hiding the scar.
On this autumn morning, I know it is cold outside. I know you'll stay here for far too long and leave far too late. You don't want me to be alone, but I'm surrounded by your love everyday. I know the sun is rising above the hill behind me, and I can almost remember what it looks like.
I picture that time when we watched the sun rise through the bay windows in your room, from your bed. That night we spent together was beautiful and the first of many. I remember you forgot to shut the window and the room was cold. But we were so warm together, under you blankets.
It took us a while to get there. Things were different after you defeated him for the first time. I used to worry we'd never find each other again. When I told you I needed time, you waited faithfully. There were moments when I didn't think I could do it, keep your secret. But it was our secret, and together we found love around it.
Today isn't like the spring evening when we walked down Plymouth Hill and graduated from Spencer. That day was bright and cheerful. Birds and little children ran around everywhere. We posed for all the pictures, many with your friends. They all got drunk at the party that night but you stayed sober so we could get up early in the morning and go to the beach.
While they were still recuperating, we snuck out the door and sped down the back roads, out of town. You said you'd be happy to see it all go. But I knew that sooner or later you would come back and settle here, just like your father before you. One of them let us stay in his summer house. We didn't come back for five days.
That fall I went to Harvard and you went to Princeton. People said we wouldn't make it, the distance was too far and we were too different. But we knew better. Every night I stayed up waiting for your call and every weekend I spent driving across three states was worth it. College was hard without you, but I never felt too far away. Especially when little gifts and notes appeared beside my bed out of nowhere.
Just like the flowers that appear on my grave in the middle of winter. You don't even worry about people asking questions. No one comes to see me except you. Maybe I'd get more visitors if you stopped flooding the ground around me every spring so no one would be buried next to me. You're afraid of leaving me with strangers. It's okay, no body is a stranger in death.
Although there is a sadness about you, your smile still makes the sun shine brighter. The corners of your mouth still curl up whenever you see a 'witch's hat'. Your eyes still turn black when you make magic, but you're using less and less everyday. You notice a corner of grass is brown near my plot. Instead of fixing it now you make a mental note to tell the caretaker. Don't try to deny yourself. The power will manifest again eventually. Don't worry; you'll never be like him.
There are so many things you want to redo. And there are so many things we'll never get to experience. But the cooler northern winds and burning foliage will carry you through this season of change, just like they always have. Settle in for a beautiful winter, because it's going to be a long one. New England will never cease to amaze you in its ambivalent will. Let it take you gently through the memories.
I wish you'd put the photo album back up on the shelf, instead of hiding it in a box in the attic. Those pictures might make you cry sometimes, but crying is human. And despite your fears, you are human. Everyone makes mistakes.
This autumn morning isn't anything like our wedding day, when a summer breeze was enough to cool the high ceilings of the gothic dome in church. There aren't any sweet scents of the caterers behind your house, cooking the chicken and steak for our meal. The clouds don't match the perfect white of my dress, and my ring sits tarnished in your bedroom.
Don't ever forget that day because I never will. When we held hands at the altar I gave myself to you forever. Some people thought I was crazy to marry into the Covenant, but I knew exactly what I was doing. I loved you then; I love you now, and our love will be enough to overcome any evil. I have never regretted marrying you.
I know you cried when you found me in bed, after he used me before taking my life. I was naked and wrapped in the bloodstained sheet. I know you tried to get home sooner. I believe you felt it when I passed, and I promise you will never see me as a grayling. I've gone someplace better. The place you always joked about but I know you truly believe in.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my power. There was so much I wasn't sure of then, too much I needed to figure out on my own. I wish I could lie and tell you I didn't suffer, but all the pain was worth it. I made sure he would never hurt you or our family again. His damnation was my last breath.
I know they called yesterday, all three of them. You didn't answer the phone, even though you knew who was on the other line. After all these years, you're still mad at them. Or maybe you still try desperately to forget. But baby, there was nothing they could have done.
Magic will always follow you. Don't deny yourself what was meant to be. You are a Son of Ipswich, and our daughter will inherit the title, edited to fit her status. When you go back to the car and pat her sleeping head, give her a kiss for me. Don't ever lie to her about who she is and what she will become. Her future holds more than you could possibly imagine.
And when the wind starts to change and the leaves begin to bleed, look towards autumn with strength. There is no obstacle you cannot overcome. Death is not the end, it is simply the finish line, but the path will go on forever.
Three years ago, on this autumn morning, I died. But I have never left you, and I never will.
I will be with you forever and for always.