Chapter 2
Kathryn let out a slow, bracing breath as she stepped into Chakotay's room.
Chakotay was once again sitting at his desk, scribbling and sketching. Dr. Dilinska was already there this time, quietly speaking to him, though it was unclear whether or not the doctor was getting through to him. Although Chakotay had been undergoing the Doctor's synaptic stimulation therapy for several days now – and his brain scans showed significant improvement in terms of neuronal activity and rewiring – his behavior remained for the most part unchanged, except for maybe seeming a little less restless. This seemed to support the hypothesis that there was something going on other than the physical damage to his synaptic pathways; that something was happening inside Chakotay's mind itself, something that was hindering his progress somehow.
Given this development (or lack thereof), the medical staff had agreed to let Kathryn and Zero try the mind bridge (as Zero called it), albeit with several reservations; the biggest one of them being the risks to Kathryn herself – as Zero had predicted. But of course she had refused to take no for an answer.
But even before they attempted this, Kathryn wanted to at least try to get Chakotay's permission to let her inside his mind. She didn't know whether he would understand, but she owed it to him to try.
So as Dr. Dilinska stepped back toward the door, giving Kathryn a nod as they passed each other, Kathryn approached Chakotay. She pulled up a chair and sat next to him at his desk. After a moment of him not acknowledging her presence, Kathryn took the sketch she had brought with her – the one they interpreted as the merging minds – and placed it directly in his line of vision, covering the page he was currently working on. His movements stopped as his eyes fell on the paper.
"You asked for help," she said, very quietly, as she studied his face for any reaction.
He frowned at the sketch for a long beat before he brusquely pushed it aside and returned to his earlier work – which looked like yet another rendering of the Protostar core and propulsion system. "I tried not to look. I didn't want to. I knew. They made me. Made me look."
Kathryn let out a breath because this seemed to confirm Zero's interpretation of his sketch – that it was a representation of what he'd experienced when he'd looked at the Medusan. However, given the anxious way in which Chakotay now covered his face with his hands, it was obvious this line of thought was triggering some discomfort. So Kathryn tried a different tactic, remembering how he'd recognized her as the captain of Voyager on her last visit. "Chakotay, you know who I am, don't you?"
He paused his movements and sat very still for a very long beat, brows knitted together. His hands slowly dropped from his face. She almost gasped when he turned his head to look at her, because he met her eyes squarely, directly – and for one glorious moment, during which her heart just seemed to stop – she could swear it was Chakotay staring back at her. "Yes," he breathed out, his eyes roaming over her face eagerly as if trying to commit her features to memory. She watched him, wide-eyed, and held her breath when he lifted his hand toward her and tentatively touched her cheek with his fingertips.
But as soon as he made contact he jerked his hand away, as though burned. It must have triggered something traumatic because she saw it the moment his eyes shuttered and he panicked, losing whatever lucidity or recognition he'd found. He quickly scrambled backward, almost tripping on his chair, putting distance between them even as he spoke, backing himself all the way into the corner of the room. "No! Computer erase Janeway holo-program, authorization Chakotay Zulu-X-ray-X-ray-475." He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, covering his head with his hands. "Commit. Erase Janeway. Computer, authorization-"
Out of the corner of her eye, Dr. Dilinska made a move toward Chakotay, but Kathryn raised her arm to stop her. Because she was getting through to him – she knew she was. It had been him before, reaching out to touch her, looking at her with raw emotion – she was sure of it. So as any good tactician would, she adapted her strategy and decided to revert to her earlier tactic, hoping to get him back to his calmer state of mind when he seemed comfortable talking to Captain Janeway. Even if it meant temporarily playing into his delusions.
She stood to her feet, placing her hands on her hips. "Chakotay. That won't work. You know I'm not a hologram." She paused for effect. "I'm the captain."
That seemed to land with him, because his muttering stopped and his gaze shot up to her at the stern tone of her voice – the one she'd used countless times on the bridge of Voyager. He straightened and stared at her, brows knitting together. It was painful to see how hard he was working at trying to make sense of it all, how hard he was trying to remember and put the pieces back together.
Kathryn nodded to herself before taking a slow step closer, and when he didn't shrink from her, she took one more, slowly making her way to him. "Chakotay," she spoke as she got closer, "when we met, and you agreed to be my first officer, I made a vow that I'd bring the crew home. Do you remember that?" He followed her movements curiously, if a little warily, but he stayed where he was when she leaned her back against the wall next to him, now standing shoulder to shoulder with him.
"Home. Yes. Alpha Quadrant. Set a course. Yes."
Kathryn nodded, smiling gently. Keeping her eyes locked on him, she turned to lean her shoulder against the wall to better face him. "Well we've been out here long enough, don't you think? Will you follow me home, if I show you the way? Because you know I can't do this without my first officer." She figured this was as close as she could get to making him understand what she was about to do, and asking for his permission to do it; to ask him to trust her to take him home.
He searched her face for a long moment but didn't fight her. And then... he blinked, and there it was again, that glimmer of lucidity in the way he seemed to just... settle and hold her eyes. He straightened to his full height, then let out a slow exhale, making his shoulders sag a little. He stepped away from her but this time Kathryn let him because all he did was reach out to take something off his desk.
"I've tried to help. Find a way. Maybe I found a way. It's all in the report, Captain." He handed her a piece of paper, then with a satisfied nod to himself, returned to work at his desk.
Kathryn looked down at the paper he'd given her: it was the 'bridging of the minds' sketch she had brought in with her. A broad smile broke out on her face, because that seemed to confirm it: this was his SOS and he was now telling her a part of him understood she was answering that call. She turned to exchange relieved nods with Dr. Dilinska – who looked greatly affected by the scene she'd just witnessed. With a rush of excitement and hope, Kathryn returned to Chakotay's side, bending at the waist a little to look at his profile. "Alright then." She lowered her voice. "Just hang in there, Chakotay. I'm coming." As she prepared to leave to prepare, she couldn't stop herself from planting a hurried kiss on his head while her hand squeezed his shoulder.
oooOooo
Contrary to Vulcan mind melds, Zero did not need to maintain physical contact to create a bridge between Kathryn and Chakotay's minds. So, unwilling to force Chakotay to face the weapon that hurt him so deeply so early in his healing process, it was decided that Zero would not be in the room with them, but in an adjacent area.
Kathryn drew in a deep, bracing breath as she settled next to Chakotay again. Though she probably didn't need to be next to him, for some reason she couldn't imagine doing this any other way. Dr. Dilinska had placed a cortical monitor on both their skulls, and the CMO – as well as a couple of additional medical staff – now stood in the back of the room, ready to intervene if need be.
Kathryn heard Zero's voice in her mind. "Are you ready, Admiral?"
Kathryn gave a terse nod, looking back at Dilinska. "Let's do it."
"Very well. Here we go."
There was a bit of discomfort in Kathryn's head – a slight pinching pain – as Zero established the bridge, but she had been through wor-
She gasped because suddenly she wasn't sitting in Chakotay's room, but standing in a remarkably accurate rendering of her ready room on Voyager.
Obviously the mind bridge was working, but this was where Chakotay's mind went to? Given his constant references to Voyager and finding a way home, it wasn't all that surprising, but still, Kathryn had expected to land in something a lot more... chaotic. Dreamlike. But this felt... serene. And real. Like a crystal clear memory. Or even a holodeck simulation.
She called herself back to attention when Chakotay walked into room, carrying a PADD. There was already someone sitting at her desk – but she quickly realized it was herself; or rather the way Chakotay saw Captain Janeway in his vision. The captain's features were blurred, as though he couldn't quite get himself to visualize or remember the details.
"Admiral Janeway. Take the place of the illusion, it is unlikely Chakotay will notice the change," instructed Zero's voice in her head. "Speak to him. See what you can find out about why his mind comes here."
Kathryn hurried to do as Zero suggested. Once behind her (dear) old desk, she reached her hand out to take the PADD Chakotay was handing to her, looking up as she did so. She did a double-take and her heart leapt in her throat at how... himself he seemed here. No more restless shiftiness, no more confusion in his expression, no more jerky movements, no more muttering to himself. Just... Chakotay, with his hands on his hips and a playful smile on his lips. Her emotions swelled, but she reminded herself to focus.
"Here's the ship's status report," he told her, the words ringing familiar. "We sustained some damage, but B'Elanna has the repairs well in hand."
"Good," Kathryn said, though there was only gibberish on the PADD when she looked down at it. Obviously Chakotay's mind wasn't concerned with the details in these... memories or creations of his mind. Leaving the PADD on her desk, she stood to her feet to walk to the coffee table. She grinned to herself when she found her carafe there – with actual coffee in it. Obviously some details had made it in here.
"Would you like a cup, Commander?" She asked. It was almost too easy to slip back into her captain's shoes and revert to the way they had interacted back then. "We've all been so busy lately. We haven't really had a chance to catch up."
He seemed to hesitate, but then nodded, lips curling in a crooked, playful smile. Oh how she'd missed that smile. "Why not! I'm due on the bridge, but I'm sure you can speak on my behalf if my boss complains."
Kathryn grinned. She couldn't help it. She couldn't quite stop staring at him either, avidly drinking in the sight of him, that dimpled smile, the way his warm eyes lingered on her. It was all so familiar it left her aching with a mix of joy and pain. She resisted the urge to cross the distance between them and throw her arms around him, and instead poured him a cup of coffee. "Oh I think I'll be able to convince her not to make you walk the plank. So what have you been up to lately?" She asked conversationally as she sat on her couch and he joined her, hoping to just get him talking. If a part of her also just thoroughly enjoyed being here with him like this, it was just an added bonus.
He smiled. "Actually I've been thinking a lot about finding a way home lately. I've been working with Harry, Tom and Seven, and we came up with some potential options."
Kathryn nodded as she studied him. Once again, this reminded her all too much of his earlier rambling about him having to help her find a way home, and all those sketches about propulsion systems. Was it possible that while a part of him was frantically sketching and drawing at his desk in his room, his mind was actually here, where everything was normal, and he was in full control of his mental faculties?
I believe you may be onto something, Admiral, Zero's voice commented in her mind. It is quite extraordinary.
"Potential options, you said?" Kathryn repeated, returning her focus to Chakotay. "I'm all ears."
He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his thighs, licking his lips eagerly. "Just imagine, Kathryn, if we were able to harness the energy of a protostar. Use it as the basis for a propulsion system."
Kathryn's lips quirked up as she lifted her own cup to her lips. "Protostar energy, you say. That does sound promising."
He nodded, smiling, and-
At that moment there was a sound, like the crackling or buzzing of energy building up from somewhere on the bridge, beyond the door of her ready room, and Chakotay perked up, startled. "Do you hear that?"
Kathryn frowned as she straightened too. Zero? What's happening?
I... I am unsure. It is not something I am doing. Try to keep him focused on your conversation. Perhaps it will pass.
Kathryn smiled reassuringly. "Whatever it is I'm sure Tuvok can take care of it. You were saying? About Protostar energy?"
He didn't seem to hear her as the sound kept increasing, getting louder and louder, as though the source was coming nearer to her door. As if unable to resist any longer, he sprang to his feet, his chest rising and falling in short breaths as he stared toward the bridge, wide-eyed. "No! It's here. I've heard that sound before. It can't be! I can't let them have the codes! I can't-"
"No, Chakotay, wait-" Kathryn stood and reached out for him, but before she could stop him he was lunging for the door. It opened on a bright flash of light and Kathryn instinctively covered her eyes with her arms. The sound got so loud it became more like a vibration all around her, within her.
There was a sharp pain in her head. She dimly heard Chakotay, and then herself, cry out-
Her mind felt like it was falling.
And then... Nothing.
When she became aware again, Kathryn took a moment to find her bearings, feeling disoriented and nauseous, her head pounding.
When she looked around, she was surprised to find her mind was still on Voyager – except that she was now in the mess hall, surrounded by about fifty of her Voyager crew, all of them apparently partaking in some kind of festivity or event. There was no sign of the deafening building-up of energy or bright light that had caused Chakotay to panic and disappear moments ago. In fact, there was no sign of Chakotay at all when her gaze swept across the room.
Zero. What happened?
My apologies, Admiral. I had to sever the connection for a brief moment. Captain Chakotay panicked, his heightened adrenaline and cortisol levels making it harder for me to safely maintain the bridge. Keeping the connection might have damaged both your minds. Dr. Dilinska had to intervene with a mild sedative.
But he's okay?
He is fine, as you see from this new...place... his mind jumped to. It is now safe to resume.
Kathryn started walking a little deeper into the room, distractedly scanning for Chakotay. Zero, the energy build-up, the sound...
Yes, I believe that was me – or the captain's memory of me. I did not anticipate that I would appear in his mind-world.
She paused as something occurred to her. Zero, what happens if we look at you, in this...mind-world? Will it affect us?
There was a pause. I am unsure. Better not to, just in case. Though you would only be seeing it in Chakotay's mind, the sight might still affect your neurological pathways. The damage does not start in the eye's retina but in the brain's synaptic receivers.
Kathryn nodded, shaking herself. Let's get back go it.
She stepped deeper into the simulacra of Voyager's mess hall, her eyes still sweeping the room for Chakotay. It was just as amazingly accurate as her ready room had been. She couldn't help but smile at the sight of all her senior staff gathered around a ping pong table as Tom, B'Elanna, Harry and Seven played, and Neelix served as the official. She remembered this kind of event had actually happened a few times on Voyager, but she couldn't tell if this was an actual memory, or just a vision Chakotay's mind had created based on his recollections. Whatever the case, she felt a pang of nostalgia at the sight, because she missed those times (and those people) too.
She moved on, still searching the room. She saw no sign of herself this time, but she did eventually find Chakotay sitting in a corner by himself, quietly working on a PADD and sipping on a cup of tea, back to looking his typical poised self – as though what had happened in her ready room just moments ago had never taken place at all. Kathryn made her way to him and dropped herself in the seat across from him, tossing him a playful look as she leaned back to cross her legs.
"Aren't you going to play?" She asked, indicating the ping pong tournament. "I bet it all on you, you know."
His lips curled. "I guess I'm just waiting for a more challenging opponent." His gaze lifted up to meet hers pointedly, the dare all too obvious in the way his eyes twinkled over the rim of his cup when he brought it to his lips.
Kathryn chuckled as she met his eyes, then sampled some of the nut assortments on the table, easily falling back into their old camaraderie and banter (willfully ignoring how wonderful it felt). "Oh I know how to recognize a challenge when I hear one. You're on, Commander. Though I daresay we'd make an ever better team. If you'd rather partner up."
His eyes seemed to twinkle a little. "That sounds good too." He cleared his throat. "Taking a break from crew assessment reports?"
Ah. That explained why her imagined alter ego wasn't in here, then. "I suppose I am. What are you working on?" She asked, pointing to his PADD.
"Nothing worth mentioning just yet. Just an idea that's been on my mind. For a new propulsion system. I figure it might cut off some years off our journey home, if we can make it work."
Kathryn nodded. Here we are again.
Zero agreed. See if you can find out more about why this is so important to him, and yet why he never completes the project. He seems willing to confide in you, he obviously finds great comfort in your presence, Admiral.
The feeling's mutual, Kathryn thought before she could stop it.
Yes. I sense that too.
Kathryn shook herself and returned her attention to Chakotay. "Right. Harnessing protostar energy, was it?" She asked. "I rather like that idea. Have you made some progress?"
"I already told you about this?" Chakotay narrowed his eyes at her in surprise.
"Of course, don't you remember? In my ready room? You came to give the ship's status report and you mentioned you'd been working on it with Harry, Tom and Seven."
His frown deepened in confusion. Obviously this was the first time he was experiencing any kind of continuity between the various scenes of his...mind-world.
"Looks like you might be on to something, it's definitely worth looking into," Kathryn added as she extended her hand, and he gave her the PADD. Once again it was gibberish, but Kathryn pretended to nod pensively. She grinned at him. "Though we might need to design an entirely new ship for this! Maybe we'll call it "the USS Protostar," what do you think?"
His eyes narrowed again, but then his gaze dropped and he cleared his throat, uneasily.
Pressing this topic of conversation most definitely makes him uncomfortable, Zero commented, echoing Kathryn's own thoughts.
I'm starting to think this might be the key to helping him, Kathryn thought in reply, to nudge him out of this...place... that his mind retreats to when everything else gets too overwhelming. It's obvious a part of him wants to go home, but it looks to me as though another part of him just doesn't want to leave the safety of this place. I can't say I blame him for finding solace here, and not wanting to face what's really been happening to him.
A reasonable hypothesis, Admiral.
Chakotay tried to conceal his discomfort, one corner of his lips quirking up. "A little on the nose, don't you think?" He shook his head dismissively, taking a sip from his cup, and stood to his feet. "But anyway, it's still just an idea, we don't have to worry about any of that right now. In fact, how about you and I go show the kids how it's done?" He said, indicating the ping pong game behind him as he offered her his hand.
Kathryn almost took it, but it was such a blatant evasive maneuver that she reined in the impulse. She had to stay on task. She couldn't get distracted by her own selfish desire to take advantage of this situation (and his companionship) just because she missed him.
Instead she picked up his discarded PADD as she stood to her feet to face him. "We could. But I'd rather we look deeper into the Protostar. It's a great idea, Chakotay. And if we work at it together, we'll make it home in no time." She tipped her head a little to better meet his gaze. "Will you follow me home, if I show you the way?" Kathryn said, purposefully reusing her own words she'd used in the physical world, hoping it would get a reaction.
It did.
He blinked and his gaze narrowed in on her, his expression shifting back and forth between confusion and apprehension. After a moment he recovered, sighing, a faint crooked smile tugging at one corner of his lips. "You know I'd follow you anywhere, Kathryn," he replied, though there was a heaviness, a resignation, in his playful tone that could not be hidden. "But to be honest, I don't know if I can this time."
"Why not? I don't understand, Chakotay. Clearly you want to get home just as much as I do, you've been thinking about this," she lifted the PADD to illustrate her point, "drawing up specs for this protostar propulsion system. I suspect you even know in your head what the USS Protostar looks like. What's preventing you from making this into a reality? Chakotay, what's really keeping us here?" She added with a sweeping gesture at their surroundings.
He shook his head in genuine confusion, startled by the fact that he didn't seem to have an answer. "I can't explain it, Kathryn. I really do want to help you find a way home – I know how badly you want it, how badly so many of our crew want it – but there's just something..." He shook his head again, frustration seeping into his tone and making his jaw muscles clench and a sigh escape through his nose. "Something, a hunch, I have. That the risks are just too great. And I can't take that chance, Kathryn. I just can't. I can't risk losing any of this," he added with a nod at their surroundings – Voyager, and the cheers and smiling faces around them. "Or anyone." He added as his gaze returned to her and settled on her rather pointedly. Kathryn's heart squeezed at his innuendo.
She reached out to clasp his hand, for a heartbeat amazed at how real the touch felt. He seemed surprised too, brows furrowing as he glanced at their hands. She stepped closer to meet his eyes and lower her voice with intensity. "Chakotay, you know I trust your instincts, and I'm sure whatever unease you're feeling is legitimate. But at some point you'll have face that hunch. That... fear. And take the leap to bring us home," she added as she lifted the PADD to illustrate her point again. "I'm here to give you the help you asked for, but I also know I can't do any of it without my first officer. You have to be on board with it too."
His frown deepened into something between curiosity, confusion and apprehension. "What do you mean, 'you're here to give me the help I asked for'?"
Kathryn exhaled as she considered her next words, searching his eyes, debating with herself how much to reveal.
Tell him. He seems more open to the idea than he was before, Zero suggested, sensing her hesitation.
Kathryn drew in a breath before diving in. "Chakotay, you asked for help. In the sketch you made. It's what brought me here. Remember?"
His eyes flashed and he visibly flinched, as if she'd slapped him rather than just telling him the truth of it. After a beat of just staring at her, he tossed her a disbelieving (and rather forced) chuckle, letting go of her fingers to place his hands at his hips. "What? I don't... that's not..." He shook his head, as though answering his own series of questions before he could voice them. "No. You... You're not here. I can't- you can't be here. This isn't real." He frowned in dismay and – to Kathryn's sinking feeling – growing fear. "And if the real Kathryn can't be here, then you're the holo-program, but I deleted the program. I made sure to erase it all so they wouldn't-" He stopped himself, taking a step back, lifting his hands to his hair. "No. This makes no sense. You're not real!"
Kathryn stood her ground, locking eyes with him. "That's where you're wrong, Chakotay! And I think deep down you know that. I think a part of you knows you're actually in that room, on the planet where your crew got stranded. You just have to be willing to remember!"
Chakotay kept shaking his head – his thoughts and doubts and fears flashing across his face in a quick succession. This was a stark reminder that, even though he acted much like his old self in this mind-world, his mind was still fractured in some way. He opened his mouth to speak, but at that moment that crackling sound returned from somewhere just beyond the mess hall. His response to it was instantaneous: his head whipped in that direction and his eyes widened, lips parting and his breathing turning shallow. "No..." He started shaking his head again, stepping backward in sheer terror. "It's here again! But it shouldn't be!"
It seems your discussion and mention of the Protostar is what precipitates the memory recalls, triggering a post-traumatic stress reaction!
Kathryn didn't even have time to concur with Zero's assessment. The sound got louder faster this time, and instants later the buzz became deafening. In full panic mode now, Chakotay pulled away, his hands lifting to the sides of his head again, grabbing fistful of his hair as though trying to cover his ears. "No! No, I can't stay here..." he muttered. "Not safe. It's happening again. It's here! I can't- I can't let them have the codes!"
Damn it, she was losing him again!
On instinct, Kathryn reached out and grabbed his wrist to pull his arm down, holding on to it as if her life depended on it. Just as she did, there was a bright flash and then her mind was freefalling again.
A heartbeat later she came to awareness and found herself still in the Voyager mind-world Chakotay had created. But they had jumped to a different setting again, one in which all was quiet and peaceful again. In fact, they were in her captain's quarters; the table was set for one of their dinners: candles, dimmed lights, soft music in the background. All the ingredients for a safe, quiet evening in good company. And rather romantic. Kathryn shook her head at herself – and at her past self – at the thought.
"What the hell is happening here?"
Chakotay's voice brought her gaze around and she realized at once that they were standing in the exact same position they had been just before the scene jump, with her hand still gripping his wrist. He was staring at her in a mix of suspicion, hope and confusion. He looked past her shoulder and Kathryn followed his gaze, only to find a blurred version of herself again. This one was taking plates out of the replicator, saying something about having to cajole the replicator into compliance.
Kathryn returned her gaze to Chakotay and found his eyes already fixed on her, his brows furrowed together. "I don't understand. This shouldn't be happening." His eyes drifted to her hand still clutching his arm, as though confounded that the contact continued to feel real.
Kathryn released her hold, trying to rein in her impatience and frustration. It wasn't his fault, but every time they took a step forward they seemed to take two back. But she'd gone too far to backtrack now. They had to move forward, find a way out of here.
"It's what I've been trying to tell you before: I really am here, Chakotay. I'm actually, physically sitting next to you in your room. You gave me the drawing, the one showing the mind meld. I told you I was coming, remember?"
His gaze darted to the imagined version of herself behind her – it sounded like she was pouring wine – but then he looked at her again and let out a wry, dubious chuckle. "What? Are you saying we're in a mind meld right now?"
Kathryn gave a crooked smile, relieved that he seemed to be coming around to understanding (or at least willing to listen to) what she was trying to tell him. "Something like that. I know it sounds crazy. But... the point is I am here. Trying to give you the help you asked for. But you have to want it, Chakotay. I'm trying to show you the way home, but you have to want to follow me there."
Behind her, she heard her own voice say, "dig in, Commander!"
Chakotay's gaze darted over her shoulder again, as though he considered joining the imagined version rather than keep listening to her, but then he shifted his full attention on her, placing his hands on his hips, brows furrowed, leaning toward her a little to meet her eyes. He licked his lips, inhaling. "Okay... For the sake of argument, let's say this is really happening and you are really here – somehow." That part seemed to confuse him so he shook his head to dismiss it. "I'm assuming you have a plan? How do we get home from here?"
Kathryn let out a full-blown grin because that was the Commander Chakotay she remembered – no nonsense, steady, eager to act, willing to hear out the craziest of her ideas. She somehow still held the PADD from the earlier vision in her hand, so she gently tapped it to his chest a couple of times. "You've already figured it out for yourself – it's all in here, Chakotay."
He took the PADD from her and glanced at it. His dubious expression didn't change when he returned his gaze to her, lifting the PADD. "This is gibberish."
Kathryn couldn't stop herself, she rolled her eyes. Now he chose not to buy into his own delusion? She supposed it was a good sign; that he was truly starting to see past it all. "Earlier you told me it contained the specs for a new propulsion system. One that harnesses protostar energy. I take it that rings a bell?"
Alarm flashed across his face again and myriad emotions flickered in his eyes: pain, hope, but mostly fear. The deep, raw kind of terror that she saw in his eyes every time Zero appeared in his mind-world; the paralyzing kind, the kind that could not be reasoned with, or conquered easily. The fear that had kept him here all this time, preventing the Doctor's synaptic stimulation therapy to be fully effective. His throat bobbed when he swallowed, because obviously the trigger was still acting upon him, but he didn't retreat this time, or deny it.
"This is what you're afraid of, isn't it? The memory of what happened on the Protostar," Kathryn pressed gently, stepping closer. "But you have to face that memory, Chakotay. You have to face what happened. Deep down I think you've known all along that it's your way out of here. Otherwise what's the point of repeatedly bringing up the protostar as a way of getting back?"
He wiped an anxious hand over his face, struggling.
As if on cue, the ship's Red Alert blazed through the room, disrupting the quiet of her quarters, deafening. Lights flashed, distracting them both. She heard Tuvok's voice say 'All hands to battle stations' over the comm. A second later the crackling energy sound from Zero's energy output built up again from somewhere just beyond the door of her quarters, in the corridor.
Chakotay's throat bobbed when he swallowed and started to shake his head. Although he seemed more in control than before, Kathryn had seen that look on him many times by now – both in here and in that room – so she knew what was coming. And she was ready this time.
She grabbed his arm again before he could move beyond her reach, her grip fierce enough to keep him from shaking her off, forcing him to face her. They had come too far to backtrack now! He turned his head to her, but his eyes were wide, his lips parted, his chest heaving, struggling to focus his attention on her – though he was definitely trying now. That was a good sign that he wasn't giving in this time, and Kathryn latched onto it.
"Let's do this together, Chakotay," Kathryn urged, speaking louder so he could hear her over the growing roar and buzzing. "Take me there!" She indicated the door, where the crackling was still increasing in intensity.
He shook his head more vehemently this time. He tried to walk past her as the buzzing grew. "No, Kathryn, you don't understand, they're boarding, I can't let them have the codes!"
Come on, Chakotay, stay with me! She thought desperately as she circled around him and put her hands against his shoulders to stop him even as he kept advancing. He tried to sidestep around her, but she blocked his path again. In a desperate attempt to stop him she lifted her hands to cup his face and planted her feet on the floor, curling her fingers around the back of his neck to make him look at her. He drew up short when he collided against her and stared at her in surprise, chest heaving and lips parted. His hand came up to cover hers.
"Take me there, Chakotay!" Kathryn entreated again, more forcefully, all the while aware that the sound of Zero's expansion kept increasing in intensity, making her skin buzz with strange energy, muffling her own voice. "You don't have to face it alone this time! Let's go right now, you and me. Let's face this together, just like we've stared down the Borg and the Hirogen together, and countless others! Let's just get it over with!" The sound was getting so loud now she barely heard anything else, but she focused on him, locking their gazes. She could almost feel the air start to move around them, like wind picking up, and from the corner of her eyes there was a glow starting to come through the door's interstices. Chakotay saw it too and when he returned his gaze to her, emotions flickered across his face as he battled his terror and tried to will himself to do as she asked. Her heart full and swelling with pride and longing, Kathryn applied pressure on the back of his neck for him to lower his head so she could touch her forehead to his. He closed his eyes and sighed against her and Kathryn moved her hand to his cheek.
She didn't think he would hear her if she spoke, so she closed her eyes. Please, don't you dare make me lose you again just because you're scared.
As if he'd actually heard her, he let out a sharp exhale and his hand came up to her cheek, his thumb stroking once.
And then... it happened again. That sensation of freefalling into nothingness.
By the time Kathryn's mind registered that the roaring buzz had completed stopped once more – the new silence almost deafening in itself – she also realized that she was no longer on Voyager holding onto Chakotay, but standing by herself on the sleek bridge of the Protostar.
Despite the disorientation that left her feeling strangely bereft and untethered, her heart jumped in her throat in relief. He'd done it!
Kathryn whirled around and-
She felt the floor drop from under her at the scene that awaited her. She'd had an idea what to expect but to see it happen still managed to root her to the ground.
Because Chakotay was on his knees, held back by Watchers, while Drednok towered over him menacingly, interrogating him. Chakotay had bruises on his face and a cut lip, his hair in disarray. The voices were muffled – was Chakotay blocking the sound on purpose? – but it was obvious how the conversation was going: Chakotay was resisting Drednok's interrogation, as valiantly and bravely as she'd imagined him to have done. But that all changed when Drednok lifted his hand, and Watchers escorted Zero onto the bridge. The Medusan wasn't in the spherical casing, but in a box. Chakotay's eyes widened and he started struggling to free himself with renewed fervor, truly afraid now. Because just like any good Starfleet officers, he knew what a Medusan could do.
This is it, Admiral! He is finally willing to face this, but you must help him! He needs you to remind him that he is not alone. That this just a memory.
Zero's encouragement nudged Kathryn out of her stupor. A heartbeat later she was crouching in front of Chakotay – willfully ignoring everything that was happening behind her – forcing him to look at her. And all at once the sound came back rushing to her ears, as though she had stepped within some kind of soundproof bubble. Drednok was still sneering and threatening Chakotay, taunting him with the reminder of what would happen if he opened the box Zero was in.
Ignoring it all and her heart racing in her chest, Kathryn took hold of Chakotay's chin to make him meet her eyes. But his gaze was unfocused, his breathing ragged, and sweat beaded on his forehead and upper lip. The muscles of his face ticked in confusion when he met her eyes. "This isn't real, Chakotay. Remember? You don't have to look this time. Just look at me. It'll be fine. Just look at me."
Chakotay opened his mouth and-
"You should not be here, Janeway!" Drednok's voice boomed from behind her and before Kathryn could react, she felt one of Drednok's arms hit her from the side, knocking her off her knees and sending her flying to the floor. Like swatting a mosquito. Kathryn lay stunned for a moment, gasping at the pain in her side. She twisted around only to find Drednok slowly prowling toward her, the red eyes glowing. How was this possible?
Captain Chakotay is losing himself to this memory, taking you with him! Somewhere in the back of her mind she could hear Zero's voice, calling her back, telling her to break the connection herself because it was too late for Zero to do so now. That she was getting pulled in too.
But Kathryn couldn't do anything about it, her whole focus was on figuring out a way to get Chakotay away from this bridge, even as Drednok slowly advanced on her.
"Release the Medusan," Drednok bellowed, menacingly, even though his attention was still on her. "Make the captain look while I take care of this...annoyance."
~~o~~
At Drednok's words, Chakotay thrashed about, desperate to get one of his arms free, but it was no use! The Watchers pinned him down more firmly, painfully, one of them using its appendages to force Chakotay to look forward while others worked on opening the box that contained the Medusan.
Chakotay heard someone scream, only to realize it was him – shouting at Drednok in a desperate attempt to make this stop. He yelled something about them still being able to find common ground in a last desperate attempt at diplomacy, then he heard himself blurt out threats about Starfleet's retaliation, anything to keep this from happening! But it was useless. The Watchers were still going to open that box and he would be forced to look.
He knew it. He'd been through it before. He'd lose it all. His ship. His mind. His life.
Yet, even as sheer terror engulfed him, a part of him was still aware of Janeway, the awareness nagging at him, like something happening in the corner of his eye that he couldn't quite make out. Because she couldn't be here, he'd erased her program! How could Drednok actually hit her? He didn't understand! The hologram should not be back, and Drednok should not have been able to make physical contact with her!
You know who she is, Captain Chakotay, a strange voice cut in calmly through his feverish thoughts, seemingly from inside his own head. She came for you, remember? Go to her. I can no longer sever the connection. You must see this through together now!
Chakotay struggled against his captors with the last bit of desperation he still had as the box containing the Medusan opened. Immediately a bright light erupted from it along with a kind of buzzing of energy, a crackling sound that only seemed to grow in intensity as the light slowly expanded.
No! He tried not to look, but the Watchers held his head firmly in place, no matter how much he thrashed about.
Look away, look for her, the voice insisted almost too calmly. She came for you. You must go to Janeway. Together you can overcome this.
He wanted to. Desperately. I can't!
Yes you can. You know what to do, Captain. You've known all along. She's been trying to show you. Now all you have to do is open your mind to the possibility.
Chakotay wanted to listen, he wanted to look away from the light, but there was something so powerful about it that just enthralled him, pulled him in.
Until suddenly that ongoing nagging feeling that he was missing something - about Janeway, about what was happening, about the Protostar - all fell into place. And he understood.
~~o~~
To Kathryn's utter surprise, Drednok didn't attack her again but stepped past her to one of the consoles. He thought she was the holo-program, and he was trying to deactivate her!
Kathryn took advantage of Drednok's mistake and scrambled to her feet to get back to Chakotay and help him free himself from the Watchers. But as she scurried to her feet, she happened to glance up-
and saw a flash of bright, multicolored light and she stopped dead in her tracks, unable to look away. It was beautiful and growing and growing in intensity and Kathryn couldn't help but watch in awe as the colors blended into one another, creating beautiful swirls of light and rainbows. She thought she heard someone warning her not to look. But... She couldn't help but being drawn to it. The sound was deafening, yet she he felt herself step closer to it, as though in a trance, wanting to lose herself in it and let it expand the confines of her mind, it was so-
Strong, warm fingers folded around her hand.
The grip was firm and confident and somehow familiar – and enough of a shock to make her tear her gaze away from the light. As though something stronger, something real and tangible and warm, was calling her back.
She whipped her head around and found Chakotay standing there, his gaze fixed on her, his expression as calm and composed as she'd ever seen it. She didn't know how he'd gotten away from the Watchers or why Drednok wasn't coming for him, but he didn't seem to care or even worry about them, as though they'd been taken care of somehow. Instead he stepped closer until all she could see was his face, his dark eyes burning with some emotion she didn't quite comprehend in that moment.
"They're unleashing the Medusan," he told her, locking eyes with her. "But I won't look if you won't." A small, crooked smile tugged at his lips as he said the words. His voice was gravelly as though he'd screamed himself hoarse. Yet despite the roaring sound around them, she heard him perfectly well.
Held in his gaze like this, Kathryn suddenly snapped out of her trance, at once back to being conscious of where she was and what was happening and why she was here. Still, the pull was so strong that it took every ounce of willpower she had to fight the urge to look over her shoulder, back toward the light. She held Chakotay's gaze instead and turned him into her anchor, and tightened her grip on his hand. She nodded and his smile widened a little.
As Zero continued to expand around them, that crackling sound that grew and grew and grew until it felt like it was actually coming out of her or through her, resonating out of her pores, Chakotay gathered her against him with his arms around her, tucking her head into his shoulder to make sure her eyes were averted, while he buried his face in the crook of her neck. Kathryn tightened her hold on him as they both fought the urge to look up while the energy around them actually moved the air in a whirlwind, with them at the center of the storm of light and energy.
Kathryn had no idea how long they stood like this, waiting for the storm to pass, holding on to each other while everything else seemed to explode around them.
But eventually everything fell quiet again and the light returned to normal intensity. She looked up from Chakotay's shoulder and found that the two of them were alone on the bridge of the Protostar. No sign of Drednok, or Zero. Or the Watchers.
His hand flexed around her shoulder. "Kathryn, are you-?"
"I'm alright," she reassured quickly as she pulled back a little more. But she couldn't believe how close she had been to losing herself. How easy it had been for her mind to slip. "Thanks to you. Are you alright? How did you...?" She lifted her gaze to meet his, not really surprised to find herself so close to him, his face just a couple of inches away. They still had their arms around each other, but Kathryn didn't even consider disentangling herself.
His eyes roamed over her face in something awfully close to amazement as he spoke, his expression utterly clear of any confusion or fear. There was only relief and wonder and a profound kind of peace on his face now. "When Drednok knocked you over and I realized you couldn't be the holo-program, everything just seemed to... snap into place. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's like someone spoke to me, making me realize what was happening. That all of this was in my mind. That I could choose what to do with it. And then it all became clear, and I just knew what I needed to do."
Her heart swelled with pride and longing and she gave a shaky smile, her hand coming to touch his cheek. "Chakotay!" Relief swept over her and she pulled him back against her to hold him tightly, pressing her face into his neck, her arms around him. His arms folded around her in response, tucking her close against him. She was still amazed at how real and solid and warm he felt, even in this intangible place. He angled his chin into her neck as he tightened his hold on her. Heady with relief and his closeness, she didn't even think twice before pressing her lips against the warm skin of his neck, then his jaw then his cheek, her mouth and nose brushing his skin as she slowly pulled back far enough to meet his eyes. His were as shiny and heavy-lidded as hers. Her fingers moved to rake through his hair at the back of his head as she rested her forehead against his. "Chakotay," she repeated, but softly this time. Pleadingly.
They shared a breath and their noses brushed. They shifted their heads until their lips grazed, lightly at first, but applying more pressure each time their lips came back for more. Heart near bursting and nearly breathless, Kathryn pulled herself closer to him, opening her mouth to him, and soon they were kissing in earnest, unhurriedly and sweetly, holding each other close, fingers tangled in each other's hair. She lost track of anything else, all she knew was that she didn't want this moment to stop, that after everything they'd been through, this was their reward.
As if she'd jinxed it, a sharp pinching pain in her head made Kathryn falter, and Chakotay gasped too. She realized at once what it meant: Zero was about to sever the mind bridge! While she might be a little embarrassed later when she realized Zero had witnessed it all, for now all she could think was:
No! Not yet! Not-
But then... she was freefalling into nothingness.
oooOooo
A/N: I hope you enjoyed! Next up, the conclusion...will all this have helped Chakotay? Stay tuned to find out 😉
Also, I'm now on Twitter Amalgam000_JC ! I'm more of a lurker (or have been so far), but feel free to stop by and say hello 😊