Things you do not wish to...
An Alpha Centauri fan fiction by Shade
I say this only once before beginning. I don't own Alpha Centauri, though I am interested in owning Zakharov (giggles). I intend no harm. Now that we're clear about this, let us begin...
11) Conceal
Zakharov had been in a good mood ever since Deirdre had last visited, and people were left to wonder what could possibly have happened to make their morose and introverted leader become sociable and optimistic all of a sudden. There was one, however, who didn't have to resort to guesswork.
"What are you thinking about, Academician? No doubt about something Lady Skye did on her last visit. So tell me, what has she done to lift your spirits directly into heaven?" Tamar had joined her friend in the physics laboratory, where he was supposed to be testing the new Silksteel alloys for their durability but instead was enjoying a particularly beautiful daydream in which Deirdre came back to him and... 'I really think I shouldn't think those things about Deirdre until she is actually in my arms...', Zakharov thought as he turned to the assistant.
"Well... I was thinking about Deirdre, yes. Last time she visited..." Zakharov told Tamar of the conversation, the goodbye and of her ambiguous turning around. "She really did seem reluctant to leave..." He then saw the serious look on the face of his assistant – serious and morose. "What do you think it means?"
"Well...", she answered hesitantly, "It could mean anything. Maybe she loves you, maybe she thought of something she needed to say to you, maybe she just looked back to see you standing there... But I can tell you this," she added as she saw Zakharov's face fall, "if it were me, I would only have turned around because something inside me didn't want to go back and leave you..." Zakharov was silent for a while as he thought of Tamar's wise words – then his grin slowly returned.
"The least it means is that she does miss me. That she appreciates my friendship and closeness. That will be enough for now. And besides...", he added as his grin took on a devious quality, "I will see her again in only a few weeks..."
"Hmm, I think I'll like meeting the great Lady Skye in person – not to mention the great love of the Academician...", Tamar said with a grin that rivalled her friend's: as he turned to her, surprised, she produced from one of the pockets of her lab coat a letter in a soft green envelope. Zakharov recognised it immediately: that same letter had been delivered the same day by a Gaian courier, who had been in quite a hurry by the looks of it. He smiled as he overcame his initial surprise. 'She has housed him, fed him, been his friend for thirteen years, during which he was away from all that is familiar to him. She has certainly deserved an invitation.'
"Well, maybe then you'll see how radiant and divine she is...", Zakharov said with a wink.
"I probably will only see a girl, for my standards...", Tamar remarked off-handedly, since she herself had already passed the age of fifty: her children showed signs of slow growth, and so did she – but her face was already falling prey to wrinkles and the grey in her hair was unmistakeable. "But enough about weddings – we're supposed to be testing our new alloys here..." Zakharov raised an eyebrow as the both of them turned to work again, but he still smiled a warm smile – one that originated straight from his heart.
The weeks before the wedding passed quickly. Deirdre's commlink conversations were remarkably airy and yet very moving. Mostly, the subject of their conversations was the upcoming wedding, and the role that Deirdre played in the preparations. Zakharov listened to her with a smile: he comforted her when she was having a hard time, he listened to her complaints and her happy remarks. But he found himself wishing increasingly that he was with her, and not miles away – the commlink screen proved more of a frustration than ever. 'Well, at least I will be able to talk to her face to face for a few days...', he mused as he was being escorted by Gaian troops together with Tamar, who sat in the recon rover with a rather sickly expression. After an hour's worth of travelling, they arrived at Gaia's Landing and Zakharov found himself once again awed by the beauteous city he had come to cherish. It had grown since his last visit, like a forest: the existing houses had grown taller and had gotten more balconies, and several new houses had sprouted between them. He skilfully guided Tamar through the city and halted in front of the forest, still walled in but with trees outside of the walls as well now. Tamar read the plaque with tears in her eyes: she, too, remembered Earth and still felt the tragedy sting in her heart. She followed him, albeit slowly, and stood still to marvel at times: but when she reached the main building of the city, she was definitely struck dumb. Besides the almost impossible height of twenty floors in a very organic-looking structure, it was the most beautiful building of them all. And perhaps, Zakharov mused silently as he saw Deirdre approach them from inside, it was because of their Lady that the Gaians seemed to care for this one building more.
"Prokhor! How wonderful to see you again! ...A month is still too long for friends as close as we are, isn't it?", she asked, extending her hand and blushing profusely when he placed a kiss on it – 'she's not blushed like that since the first time I kissed her hand...', he found himself thinking, but quickly dismissed the thought. "Oh, and you must be miss Mirasevic...", Deirdre said quickly as she turned to Tamar, who had looked on amusedly. "You're alone? I thought Sean said that the invitation extended to your husband as well..." Zakharov tried to persuade himself that he had only imagined the jealousy in her voice, but found his heart too elated to listen to reason.
"No, my husband is still at work, he couldn't get a day off today – he will be here in a few hours, though, and I have his stuff with me as well."
"Oh, okay... just a bit concerned, that's all." 'Were you really?', Zakharov found a voice in his mind say. "Oh, but I'm forgetting my manners – come inside, please!" She opened the doors for them and they walked in. The first floor was still used as a laboratory, apparently, and it made Zakharov feel at home immediately. The hustle and bustle was soothing to the turmoil that had arisen in his heart. "This is the lab part of the building – this floor houses the engineering and the chemistry, the next floor houses physics and information technology, and the third and fourth floor house the biology and xenobiology labs. The guest quarters – well, what will serve as guest quarters, anyway...", Deirdre said with a shy giggle that made Tamar raise an eyebrow, "...is on the tenth floor, right above the library. The eleventh through eighteenth floor are just offices, and the nineteenth and twentieth floor are my office and private quarters. Okay, miss Mirasevic, you will be put up in the guest quarters. Through here..." Deirdre guided them to an elevator which brought them to the tenth floor very quickly – Zakharov found himself wishing that the elevator had taken longer so he could enjoy Deirdre's proximity more. Deirdre walked out and pushed open a door tentatively. "Here you go, miss Mirasevic. It's not much, but it's the best I can offer you at the moment. There's still no hotel in this base, and..."
"It's wonderful...", Tamar said, awestruck. Zakharov, too, admired the beauty of the apartment: it had a large sitting room and a separated bedroom with bathroom attached. Both of the rooms had large windows, through which a magnificent view on the city and the landscape was visible. On the other side, a small kitchen was present, the cupboards of which had been filled with small food items. "Well, I won't be hungry...", she said.
"If you are interested in a meal which takes less time and costs as much as this one, try the restaurant across this building. They serve a good dish and it will cost you nothing if you mention you're my guests. I'm glad you like it anyway... I'll arrange for someone to bring your husband upstairs when he arrives. Okay, Prokhor, you'll be staying a bit closer to me...", she said with a small blush as she turned to him. He raised an eyebrow as he wondered what she could mean by that, but his question was soon answered: she went back to the elevators, but instead took another one where she dialled in a code. As soon as the code was accepted, the elevator opened and took them immediately to the twentieth floor, where the first thing he noticed was a living room the size of his biggest lab. She sighed as she walked out of the elevator, explaining as they walked to a corridor visible on the right. "The guest quarters Tamar is now occupying were intended to be for my assistant, but seeing as my assistant turned out to be living with her family still and has her own house now... You'll be staying in Sean's old room. We're awfully short on guest rooms!", she said in her own defense as he looked at her, at a loss for words. 'Oh gods, so close to her...', he thought as they walked into the corridor, where she walked up to a door at the farthest left. As she opened it, Zakharov was surprised to see a spacious but comfy room with all possible means of comfort: a television, a desk, and shelves full of books about physics which were all conspicuously from Earth.
"This room is nice...", he made out as he moved inside, putting his bags down next to the bed. "I don't see why Sean ever chose to move out here..."
"Well, he might never have if he hadn't met Eliza.", Deirdre said with an appreciative smile. "I guess it's the typical scientist's room, crammed with books that no other person would read. ...Okay, I'll let you unpack...", Deirdre suddenly said as she walked hesitantly over to the door again: Zakharov hadn't even noticed her getting closer until she spoke again. "I was planning on cooking myself tonight... but if you like – and if it's your treat – we can go eat in the restaurant I mentioned. Oh, and just tell me what you'd like for breakfast tomorrow morning. I have almost everything, just no bacon."
"I would love to taste a sample of your cooking...", Zakharov replied with a soft smile, "And if you just give me some orange juice and a bit of bread and cheese, I'll be fine." Deirdre nodded with a faint blush and made to close the door, but then she seemed to remember something and opened the door again.
"Oh, that's right! You have no bathroom of your own. It's the door right in front of this one when you exit. The door that's just a bit more to the right of the bathroom is off limits."
"Oh, and why might that be? Hiding something?", Zakharov said in a playful tone – but Deirdre's blush deepened and she nearly stammered out the answer.
"N-no, not at all, but it's just that that's my room...", she said hastily before closing the door, leaving Zakharov alone with his thoughts. 'Hmm... what if I walk in deliberately?... Oh, stop it, Prokhor, she was embarrassed enough as it was... But maybe...'
Dinner that night had been exquisite, and Zakharov found himself doubting that the restaurant she had talked about could present food of equal quality. It had been a simple meal, but her cooking had made it a feast: she had skilfully set to work with various herbs and spices, and the result had been stunning.
"I should visit more often...", Zakharov said as he brought his empty dish to the dishwasher. "You're an excellent cook. A great addition to the talents I had already found in you." 'And perhaps there are other talents yet to find... Oh, thinking things like that will not help!' His mental scolding did keep his thoughts clean for the remainder of the evening he spent with her, watching a television programme about sea colonisation. But when they had said goodnight and went to their rooms, the thoughts returned – even more so when he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and walked into her outside. She was apparently only wearing a bathrobe – 'how would she look minus that bathrobe, eh?' – and moved to her own room swiftly when she saw him, failing miserably in concealing her profuse blush. He returned to his room with only her on his mind, and in his dreams...
----dream sequence----
"Oh Prokhor, how could I not have seen? I love you so much..." Deirdre was lying in his arms, looking as radiant and pure as ever and wearing remarkably little as he felt the softness of her skin against his hands.
"Deirdre, I love you too, more than you can imagine..." He embraced her tightly, relishing the feeling of her silken hair against his cheek and the feeling of her hands as they lay softly on his own.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me...", Deirdre said – her voice was as silky and smooth as her body...
...and then the whispering voice came back... Deirdre turned around, and slowly she disappeared from his mind and there was only cold darkness where she had been.
"earthzakharov... earthzakharov you?"
"Yes, I'm Zakharov. Who is this?"
"planetvoice us you may call. Warn you we come. Beware you growth dream."
"Growth dream? Warn me? What about?"
"earthbeings planet harm bring: fungus kill, planet wound, planetbeings kill they! Growth dream end this will."
"Why are you telling me this, planetvoice?"
"Why! Dream word! Earthzakharov dream song sing! Why why why why why why why why why..." The voice persists and fills his head until...
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...he awoke with a hand pressed to his forehead, bathing in sweat. He shook his head in disbelief, not knowing what to think of it – and not wanting to think of it at all anymore. With a sigh, he turned around and fell asleep again – but his sleep remained dreamless...
Deirdre was fiercely focusing on the upcoming wedding: Eliza couldn't help but marvel at the newfound vigour of her friend and soon to be sister-in-law, and Sean smiled as she threw herself into her work – though both did look a bit worried when they encountered her early in the morning, fatigued and buried in files.
The truth was that she didn't want to be left with her thoughts: ever since she had realised that her heart was lost to her old friend, Deirdre had been having thoughts about him holding her in a way that was unfit for friends – and that was only how most of her recent daydreams began... She shivered mentally as yet another daydream of Zakharov crept up in her mind and exploited her depleted energy.
"What's the matter, Lady Deirdre? You look like you haven't had a decent night's sleep for days!" Deirdre lazily opened one eye and saw Eliza stand in front of her, her expression worried.
"That could be true, though I sleep for eight hours every night..."
"Bad dreams? Isn't the digital personal assistant functioning properly?" Sean had indeed manufactured her a new personal assistant which she mainly used to record her dreams and get bothersome things off her mind – but this wasn't something a machine could alleviate...
"No, it's working perfectly fine, but... well, can I tell you a secret?"
"Sure..." Eliza looked nonplussed – 'Blessed are the ignorant... but she won't remain ignorant for long...', Deirdre thought with a wry smile – and sat down opposite Deirdre. "Speak away."
"It's Prokhor – er, Academician Zakharov. Sean might've told you of the closeness and nature of our friendship." As the young woman in front of her shook her head, she filled her in: "The Academician and I were co-workers on board the space ship, and we had become close friends. He, in fact, had more than friendly feelings for me..."
"He's in love with you!" Eliza looked incredulous. "Well, that would explain the hand-kissing business..."
"Well, Sean might've told you of my last visit to University Base, when I went to pick him up.", she said with a blush. "I suddenly felt I couldn't leave: I felt something inside me protest for some reason. When I looked round, it hit me: my heart was trying to stop me from leaving, and the reason... I've fallen in love with my best friend...", she said in a half-whisper. Eliza looked at her for a moment, her expression bewildered, and then she slowly rose.
"Lady Deirdre, why are you sad, then? You love him and he loves you-"
"No, he loved me. I don't know if he still loves me now... but I fear he doesn't anymore. It's been too long..." Deirdre stared at her feet for a moment while trying to overcome the intense emotions that were raging inside her heart. "I won't risk our friendship just over some stupid infatuation. I broke his heart back then by not loving him... I won't allow mine to be broken in the same way.", she said as she, too, rose. "I'm going to take a shower and get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." With that, she left before giving her friend a chance to react. She told herself, while she rushed to the elevator, that it was because she was exhausted and needed to see her bed ASAP. But she knew that was a lie: she had hurried because she was afraid of what Eliza might have said in response...
The next few weeks went by without any incidents, although Eliza had a sad look on her face whenever Deirdre was working together with her. She understood Deirdre's unwillingness to go into the subject any more, though, and remained silent about it. They talked of the wedding and of the little things of life, instead, which Deirdre found appeasing.
And then, the day of Zakharov's arrival had come. She sent some recon rover troops over to University Base to pick them up and spent the day anxiously awaiting their return with her guests – or rather, Sean's guests. Deirdre looked at the two other names Sean had given her.
"Iljan and Tamar Mirasevic...", she spoke into the emptiness of her office, thinking of the origins of the name and getting no further than 'Eastern European'. Her personal assistant was being projected next to her, and she smiled her usual smile.
"Hello, Lady Skye, how are you? Don't you look astonishing?"
"Hello, E-Liza..." An inside joke from Sean: Deirdre had complained about having to miss Eliza as a personal assistant and her brother – natural born prankster – had given her an exact digital replica of his bride-to-be, which listened to the name E-Liza. "I'm just a bit anxious, that's all...", she said with a smile.
"Good to hear that you're still doing fine. Are you waiting for someone?"
"Prokhor, and some of Sean's friends from University Base. But I don't think I'll be needing you. You can sign off for the day. Enjoy your rest – maybe go to the recreation dome...", she said with a devious grin.
"No, the other holopersons there tease me... Bye then!" She knew her digital assistant didn't like the recreation dome – therefore she always suggested it to tease her. It alleviated her anxiety for a while.
And then, she saw the troops return, and her heart began working overtime again. She descended quickly and awaited their coming in the main hall of the ground floor: and when she saw them approach – when she saw Zakharov near – she felt her nerves tingle... She tried desperately to keep a straight face while walking towards him and his assistant, who was left speechless by the sight of the building in front of her.
"Prokhor! How wonderful to see you again! ...A month is still too long for friends as close as we are, isn't it?", she asked, extending her hand and blushing profusely when he placed a kiss on it – 'oh gods, I feel like I'm on fire!', she thought as she felt the blood rise rapidly to her cheeks. "Oh, and you must be miss Mirasevic...", Deirdre said quickly as she turned to his assistant, willing her blush to fade. "You're alone? I thought Sean said that the invitation extended to your husband as well..." Her voice had a tinge of jealousy in it – even she herself noticed.
"No, my husband is still at work, he couldn't get a day off today – he will be here in a few hours, though, and I have his stuff with me as well.", the older woman replied, and Deirdre relaxed.
"Oh, okay... just a bit concerned, that's all." 'Concerned, yeah right...', she heard a voice say within her. She then remembered that she was supposed to be showing them their quarters. "Oh, but I'm forgetting my manners – come inside, please!" She opened the doors for them and they walked in. Deirdre saw a look of tranquility cross her friend's face, and she smiled softly, glad that he still felt at home in her most beloved place of the city – save perhaps the walled-in forest. "This is the lab part of the building – this floor houses the engineering and the chemistry, the next floor houses physics and information technology, and the third and fourth floor house the biology and xenobiology labs. The guest quarters – well, what will serve as guest quarters, anyway...", Deirdre said with a shy giggle as she tried to conceal her embarrassment, "...is on the tenth floor, right above the library. The eleventh through eighteenth floor are just offices, and the nineteenth and twentieth floor are my office and private quarters. Okay, miss Mirasevic, you will be put up in the guest quarters. Through here..." She made her way through the various halls and went to the elevators. She took the middle elevator of the three as that was the one that led to the tenth floor and up. When the doors slid open again, Deirdre walked out first and pushed open double doors at the end of a small corridor. "Here you go, miss Mirasevic. It's not much, but it's the best I can offer you at the moment. There's still no hotel in this base, and..."
"It's wonderful...", the older woman said. Deirdre smiled as she gave her a quick tour of the apartment and showed off her work – she had decorated the place. "Well, I won't be hungry...", Tamar said as she saw the various food items in the kitchen cupboards – items which Deirdre had purchased the day before. She found herself smiling.
"If you are interested in a meal which takes less time and costs as much as this one, try the restaurant across this building. They serve a good dish and it will cost you nothing if you mention you're my guests. I'm glad you like it anyway... I'll arrange for someone to bring your husband upstairs when he arrives. Okay, Prokhor, you'll be staying a bit closer to me...", she said, now truly starting to feel strained – her heart was still doing cartwheels and her insides felt oddly absent. She went back to the elevators and now chose the one on the far right, dialling her personal code and waiting for the elevator to arrive and take them up to the twentieth floor. As they exited the elevator – Zakharov looked around at her private quarters in obvious awe – she sighed and walked over to the corridor at the farther end of the room. . "The guest quarters Tamar is now occupying were intended to be for my assistant, but seeing as my assistant turned out to be living with her family still and has her own house now... You'll be staying in Sean's old room. We're awfully short on guest rooms!", she said, defending herself as Zakharov looked at her, obviously at a loss for words. 'It's not as if I planned this... did I?', she thought to herself and wished there was no voice issuing from her heart telling her that she did plan it. She walked through the corridor and opened the door in order to show him the room. 'If he doesn't want to stay this close to me, where will I put him?' Lucky for her, Zakharov seemed immediately charmed by the room that once was her brother's.
"This room is nice...", her friend said slowly as he walked inside and put his bags down next to the bed. "I don't see why Sean ever chose to move out here..."
"Well, he might never have if he hadn't met Eliza.", Deirdre said with an appreciative smile. "I guess it's the typical scientist's room, crammed with books that no other person would read." She noticed herself nearing her friend involuntarily, and had to will herself to stop and to walk back to the door. "...Okay, I'll let you unpack...", Deirdre said, feeling the inner turmoil return to her full force. "I was planning on cooking myself tonight... but if you like – and if it's your treat – we can go eat in the restaurant I mentioned. Oh, and just tell me what you'd like for breakfast tomorrow morning. I have almost everything, just no bacon."
"I would love to taste a sample of your cooking...", Zakharov replied with a soft smile, "And if you just give me some orange juice and a bit of bread and cheese, I'll be fine." She nodded, cursing the fact that every single compliment he gave her seemed to make her blush. And then, just as she had nearly closed the door, she remembered that she had to tell him something else.
"Oh, that's right! You have no bathroom of your own. It's the door right in front of this one when you exit. The door that's just a bit more to the right of the bathroom is off limits."
"Oh, and why might that be? Hiding something?", Zakharov said – 'he's teasing me!' – causing Deirdre to blush even more profusely and stammer a response.
"N-no, not at all, but it's just that that's my room...", she said hastily before closing the door, leaving her friend. 'Oh Christ...', she thought as she went over to her living room and sat down in one of the sofas. 'I wish I had more guest quarters... I wish we had built a hotel in this city...' She sighed and found her mind suddenly turning its thoughts elsewhere. 'I wish we could make out now...' Groaning at the thoughts that invaded her mind, she sank even deeper into the sofa...
Cooking dinner had relieved her mind temporarily, and she seemed to have better cooking skills than she suspected as she had wowed her friend by her preparation of chicken fillet with sweet-and-sour sauce and rice. 'Mom, I'll be forever grateful of your cooking lessons...', she found herself thinking as she watched Zakharov eat his portion slowly. She herself had already finished her portion, yet she was waiting for him to finish, as courtesy dictated.
"I should visit more often...", Zakharov said as he brought his empty dish to the dishwasher along with her. "You're an excellent cook. A great addition to the talents I had already found in you." She found herself wishing that he would come by more often – 'If it's only for my cooking skills, then so be it – but I'd love for him to come over and... Oh, Dee, this is never going to work...' Trying desperately to get him off her mind, she turned on the television and spent the evening watching a documentary about sea colonisation with him before heading off to her room – and leaving him to go to his – to get ready for the night. She took a quick shower and brushed her teeth, relishing the feeling of the hot water on her skin. It did help her take her mind off her worries... but as she exited the bathroom, she promptly ran into the cause of her worries, who was wearing his pyjamas and looked equally stunned. 'He looks very good for a man his age... very handsome... oh god, I can't believe I just thought that!', she thought as she quickly fled into her room. With her worries again full on her mind, she fell into an uneasy sleep, and in her dreams...
----dream sequence----
"Oh Prokhor, how could I not have seen? I love you so much..." She was lying in Zakharov's arms, relishing the feeling of his cool hands on her skin and enjoying the feeling of his proximity.
"Deirdre, I love you too, more than you can imagine..." He embraced her tightly, and she put her hands over his own, relaxing as he held her against him. She was close enough to him to smell his cologne: she liked the scent, it made her head spin.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me...", Deirdre said – he replied with a smile that set her heart on fire...
...and then the whispering voice came back... Zakharov's warmth and presence faded away until she was alone in the cold darkness of another invaded dream.
"earthdeirdre... earthdeirdre you?"
"Yes, I'm Deirdre, Deirdre Skye of the Gaians. Who is this?"
"planetvoice us you may call. Warn you we come. Beware you growth dream."
"Growth dream? Warn me?"
"earthbeings planet harm bring: fungus kill, planet wound, planetbeings kill they! Growth dream end this will."
"Why are you telling me this, planetvoice?"
"Why! Dream word! Earthdeirdre dream song sing too! Why why why why why why why why why..." The voice grew in pitch and volume, until it had become nerve-wracking and...
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...she sat bolt upright, wide awake, her hands tightly clapped over her ears. Slowly, as she realised that the darkness around her was different from the one in the dream, she let go and sank back into the pillow, only faintly taking notice of her sweat-drenched nightgown and pillow before falling back asleep – a dreamless sleep...
A/N: sorry for the long long loooooooooong lack of updates. My home computer crashed, leaving me without story at home, and I had forgotten to bring my backup CD from university with me. Basically, that's why it's been so long. I'm still working on chapter 15, but I'll soon finish it. Classes start again at September 25th, so I'll try to keep a nice and tidy update schedule... but I won't make any promises (who knows what this computer is plotting against me...)
Anyway, for those interested, check out my new story. Part of a trilogy, this one. Go check it over at the Lufia section.