We need to lay in each other's arms
There's nowhere else to go
It's all so easy and I want you to know
There'll never be another one
Who could get this close to me
Everything you give me
Is everything I've dreamed of
"Heart of Stone"
Taylor Dayne
June 8, 2012
Echo Park, Los Angeles, California
The sky was overcast as Chuck and Ellie walked through the archway of the courtyard, headed towards the sidewalk. A crisp breeze chilled as it passed over them. He watched his sister shiver, rubbing at her upper arms as she crossed them over her chest.
"Do you need a sweater, El?" Chuck asked, stopping, jerking his thumb over his shoulder as an indicator that he could run back if she needed him to.
"No, no, it's fine, Chuck. Once we're moving, I'll warm up." She continued walking, never taking her eyes off her brother.
He took a deep breath, sliding his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "Sarah told you about the session yesterday, right?" he asked softly.
"She also told me you were restless last night," Ellie said, steering the topic to what Sarah had been focused on earlier.
"That means I woke her up," he grumbled.
Ellie scoffed quietly, shaking her head. Sarah had woken up after a dream, a returned memory, which was positive. He chose to stress the negative. "The two of you, sometimes…"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Chuck asked, confused and slightly offended.
"It's a blessing and a curse, if that makes any sense," she said, twisting up her mouth with a wry smile. He looked at her, blinking, waiting for her to elaborate. "She needs you, Chuck, and she knows that. She isn't used to that, feeling that, in such a basic way. But she's allowing herself to be vulnerable with you, because she trusts you. She also knows how hard all of this is on you. She's worried about you. And the things she's concerned about, I agree with."
"Ellie," he started, ready to defend what she believed was his self neglect.
"No, Chuck, listen. I found out later, much later, about what happened to you while I was pregnant. When you were kidnapped. What she did for you. She made sure you were all right, in everything. If she had the strength to do that now, she would. I know that. Maybe she doesn't remember every minute of what she did back then, but she loves you the same. She can't get better while she feels like she's watching you fall apart." The truth in his sister's words, paired with the passion in her voice, made him stop walking forward. Her voice broke as she continued. "She's gonna have nightmares, Chuck. Please don't make them worse by giving her one more thing to be afraid of."
He nodded, agreeing with her, if begrudgingly. They walked on in silence as he pondered everything she had said.
"Ellie, do you think Sarah would be better off in an inpatient facility?" he asked quietly.
Her eyes suddenly small, Ellie asked him, "Why? Did the doctor recommend it?"
"He…presented it as an option," Chuck told her.
"Well, did you talk about it?" she asked him.
He sighed heavily, knowing he needed to explain more than just that one conversation. "Listen, El, this involves me explaining something from the past, you know, before you found out the truth. The, uh, the first time," he said sheepishly. It still embarrassed him, how much and for how long he had lied to his sister. Her expression was open, waiting for him to continue.
"It started happening right as you came back from Africa, when you thought Devon was recovering from malaria. You were worried about him and taking care of him when he was on the mend. But I started to have problems with the Intersect." He took a deep breath, searching for more words.
"Under the subway," she said, so softly he strained to hear over the soughing of the wind.
The words penetrated, still able to easily open those wounds that would always be with him. Ellie saw the pain on his face, the grim set to his jaw as he looked away.
"Daniel Shaw said something about you…not being able to flash," she reminded him.
"It was malfunctioning. Dad…" His voice trailed away, all of his breath leaving his lungs and leaving him winded, as if he had been punched. "Dad knew how to fix it. And he did, at least until you corrected the version of it he had on his laptop. You really fixed it, in the end. Dad knew you were a neurologist, that you could figure it out," he finished, realizing he had gone off topic while trying to lay the backdrop for the relevant part of the conversation.
"Anyway," he said, redirecting. "When it first started to break down, the CIA sent me to Dreyfus. Same guy. They didn't really know it was the Intersect malfunctioning per se, just that my brain couldn't handle it. The CIA had me committed."
"What?" Ellie exclaimed, stopping her forward motion, completely flabbergasted. "I never noticed that?"
"You were dealing with Devon. And…the stuff afterwards," he added lamely, not wanting to pull Justin and his manipulation of her into this conversation. "Regardless, Ellie, I didn't leave it for discussion. I told him no, absolutely not. It was a gut reaction, after having gone through it myself. But I guess I'm biased, and I'm looking for some objectivity here. Was I too quick to dismiss it?"
It took a while for Ellie to collect herself enough to speak again, as all of that information took purchase in her mind. "In very broad terms, people do much better in the care of their loved ones than in a formal hospital setting. Whenever we can, whenever it is feasible, we encourage that. There are always other things to consider. You know, time and money, physical logistics. Someone who has to work to pay the bills can't quit to stay home with a loved one, a tiny frail woman can't lift a 200 pound spouse in and out of bed. You know, common sense, all that. There is also a tipping point. Where the care needs are just too much, regardless of time or expense. Like, people with advanced dementia need to be hospitalized, regardless of willing family members."
He listened, waiting for her observations about Sarah. "She's better off with you, here. Her situation is unique, but in this environment, while she's regaining her memories and dealing with all of this, she's progressing better than I think she would in a hospital. But I'm sure Dr. Dreyfus told you, the most serious concern is about safety. Hers and yours."
"I know, Ellie," he argued.
"I'm not sure you do, Chuck," she argued back. "That same rotation I told you about, the one at the VA. There were men I treated who were institutionalized after violently attacking family members, while having flashbacks. There was one man, in his 80s, I remember so well. Korean War vet who had a nightmare that triggered a flashback. He shot and killed his wife, before he realized where he was or what he was doing."
"God, El, that's horrible," he said sympathetically. He turned to look at her warily. "You don't think…"
"Do I think Sarah could consciously hurt you in any way, no, I don't," she swore adamantly. "Do I think her mind could take her to someplace where she's unaware of her surroundings, where she isn't even aware that you are there? Maybe. And the doctor knows that too."
"I just want to do the right thing, what's best for her," he said quietly. "She thinks she needs to protect me, El." He gulped, stuffing his hands down further into his pockets. He blinked rapidly, fighting tears, when he continued. "You have no idea how…helpless this whole situation makes me feel. I don't care about what could happen to me. I don't. I literally can't do anything else to help her."
Her voice rich with compassion, she replied, "And that's the only thing that matters to her right now, Chuck. You."
His sister's words brought the tears forth he had been holding back. He turned his head away, stretching his hand over the bridge of his nose, pressing fingers against his closed eyes. With his eyes closed, his pace halted, he felt the breeze break, as his sister moved to stand in front of him. He felt her arms reach around him, comforting in the tenderest of embraces. "You both matter to me," she said softly. "I'm not going anywhere, Chuck."
XXX
It was after dinner, and Sarah and Ellie were in the kitchenette washing dishes while Chuck and Morgan sat in the living room. "Thank you for cooking, again, Ellie," Sarah said with a soft smile. "Alex has been teaching me to cook, a little at a time. But I can still only make pot roast right now."
"Pot roast and chicken pepperoni. What a rotation," Ellie teased her. "You can add lasagna after tonight, right?" Ellie asked, gesturing towards the dishes on the counter.
"It will never be as good as yours," Sarah said sweetly.
"Honestly, Sarah, it's just noodles, meat, and cheese. The sauce is the secret. It never comes out the same way twice, but you'll figure it out," she said.
"Chuck loves your lasagna, Ellie," Sarah said. She put a dried glass back into the cabinet, her eyes fixed on a spot far away. "You…cooked that, when your father came back, didn't you?"
Ellie put the dish she was scrubbing back into the water, turning to her sister-in-law. "You remember that?" she asked in surprise.
"I remember that dinner. The argument about Ted Roarke. Seems strange now, I guess," Sarah said, shrugging her shoulders.
"That was all spy stuff, huh?" Ellie asked. She shook her head, reaching for the sponge again. "I know I spent such a long time trying to rethink all of that, once I knew. Devon knew some things, since he found out by accident right before we got married. But I kept scrolling back in my head, thinking about all the…grief…I gave Chuck over things that were never what I thought they were. The bachelor party, that stuff with RI, hanging out with Jeff Barnes." Ellie's eyes took on a faraway look. "That was the last time we all ate together, you know, in the house. That lasagna. There was the rehearsal dinner, and the reception. Later, when he made us grilled cheese with tomato soup. And then…"
Ellie felt Sarah's hand on her shoulder, a gentle squeeze for sympathy and support. "I know, Ellie," she said gently.
It shouldn't still have affected her as much as it did, but Ellie knew it was different. She hadn't lost her father to old age, or illness, or even neglect. He had been murdered, while she stood as a helpless witness. Murdered, after years of lost time because of the decisions he had made when he was young. Deciding to have a family, and remain a spy. She and Chuck had rallied to support each other in that, making the rational decision to honor him for the man, the hero he was, even if he was not, at least on the outside, the father they had wanted or needed. But a pain like that, full of regret, never went away. Not completely.
Ellie ran her finger beside her nose, drying the few errant tears that had escaped. "I missed you, Sarah," Ellie said softly, pulling her sister-in-law into her arms.
Ellie hugging her turned Sarah away from the living room. She missed the way Chuck stopped talking to Morgan, his attention riveted to the two women in the kitchen, his eyes misty.
XXX
The dinner with Morgan had been a welcome distraction from the grueling session earlier with Dr. Dreyfus. She had remembered and explained in greater detail being held in the warehouse in L.A., as well as being transported to another location she couldn't place, where the process had been repeated. Blacking out from the excruciating pain both times. She had set off her emergency beacon, but losing consciousness had caused it to be detected. He had moved her before anyone reached her.
Chuck had already heard this, in a disjointed explanation after she had woken from sleepwalking. His preparation for what she was going to say made it easier, if only just a little bit. It was harder for her to recall, almost as if the intensity of the pain was recalled with the memories. Chuck had heard it in her voice, the same strained breathlessness he had heard on the train after she had collapsed. He had held her the same way he had on the train, his strength projected, this time without the gnawing worry he had had on the train, not understanding what the actual problem had been.
Dreyfus had pressed on, delving into the next part of the scenario, one she had also recounted to him in a broken, tear-filled confession before her actual treatment had begun. Waking up, part of her memories gone, but enough remaining for her to understand what he was doing to her. Erasing Chuck, one memory at a time. The physical pain, though intense, was nothing compared to the unbearable agony of feeling him being ripped away from her. Half of her body, half of her blood, half of her heart.
She had screamed, crying, calling out her husband's name, trying to hold onto him, futile in the end. Her emotionality had prompted him to psychologically traumatize her, telling her what he was going to make her do to her husband. You protected him at all costs, always. I know the only one who could get past you to kill him is, well, you.
She had tried to end her own life to protect Chuck, knowing as helpless as she was, Quinn would succeed in what he was trying to do. Make her forget him, forget everything she had learned from him. He had stopped her, knocking her unconscious again.
Chuck had only listened, holding her in his arms, his mouth against her hair. He eventually had to just tune out what Sarah was saying, repeating a soft mantra inside his head instead. He did this, but he still lost. She is here now, because he failed.
She was able to remember the last session, which had apparently consisted of him literally implanting the suggestion that she was to kill Chuck Bartowski. The original intention of the Intersect, and the Omaha Project. Implant subliminal suggestions. In her last desperate effort to resist him, the last of her spy training remaining asserting itself, she had internally replaced his suggestion with her own. That she loved him. She had struggled until she lost consciousness. Somewhere in the darkness, the balance of suggestions had solidified. She hadn't remembered Chuck when she woke, but could never quite shake the feeling that something wasn't right. That the strange, nebulous unease in her chest whenever she thought about following through on her mission.
Dreyfus had stopped the session, after Sarah had bolted upright in Chuck's arms, never explaining why. They were through it all, it seemed to Chuck. The last of it, waking up on the floor of her hotel room the night before she had woken with no memory she had also already remembered. He had been hopeful, that perhaps this was the darkest of her memories. Dreyfus was all business, but evasive.
It had left Chuck feeling extremely uneasy.
"You said the CIA recovered all of that?" Ellie asked, as she now sat on the sofa with just Chuck and Sarah.
"Beckman said yes. Between Japan and California, they found everything," Chuck explained.
"What are you thinking, Ellie?" Sarah asked her.
"Someone had to figure that out. How to do that, with those images. Dad's versions, all three technically, did not have that capability. And all of Dad's versions were destroyed, right?" Ellie asked.
Chuck was quick to start relaying the full history to her. "Bryce destroyed the original computer after he downloaded the prime version and sent it to me. The DNI started building another one right away, but Fulcrum destroyed that one with the phony cipher. Fulcrum built their own, probably with reverse engineered components. The DNI then used their defective version to re-reverse engineer another version," Chuck said, almost rolling his eyes at his sister's bewildered face. "I know, El. And it gets crazier. Fulcrum kidnapped Dad so he could fix their version. He removed the download from me, but fixed their version for the DNI as well. The design was modified, which caused the problems I eventually started experiencing. The third DNI iteration was destroyed by me. Mom removed that 2.0 version from me. You found Dad's laptop, with the same version the DNI had. You fixed it, and I re-downloaded it. The NCS used that same laptop to download and remove it from other operatives. The DNI abandoned that, but as you know, the head of the NCS gave it back to you to work out. Agent X and all. The DNI took custody of it after we were fired. They had to have used it to build the version Morgan got, since Beckman knew nothing of it. The DNI was separately trying to rebuild it for the fourth time at the DNI. The version Sarah downloaded came from the same source as Morgan's."
Ellie stayed silent, regarding him with wide, unblinking eyes. "My God, Chuck. I mean, I knew, factually everything you just said. But saying it like that–I still can't believe it. You downloaded, what, five versions of the Intersect?"
"Six, if you count the one I accidentally downloaded when I was nine," Chuck reminded her.
"That doesn't include updates he downloaded as well," Sarah said, a thin smile overshadowing the admiration in her tone.
Ellie nodded, thinking to herself. "So you think Quinn somehow had access to the version Decker bastardized from Dad's laptop?"
Out of the corner of his eye, Chuck saw Sarah shiver involuntarily as Ellie said his name out loud.
"He was the original Agent X, at least in terms of legitimate DNI lore. They all pretended the real Agent X never happened. He had to have been briefed about the Omaha Project. Were they planning on using something similar, that he adapted over the years? Beckman told me she didn't know, and I tend to believe her. Maybe not in the past always, but I know when she told me that, she was telling the truth. Her only motivation was helping Sarah. The CIA never shared the information about Omaha with the NSA, and Graham died before he ever shared that intel, so it sort of got lost," Chuck explained.
"I just wonder if there's a way to reverse the effect. You know, like I had told you I could have done with the Intersect you now have. If they confiscated them from his base, they still have the three dimensional images that triggered Sarah's memory loss," she pondered.
"He said they only work on someone with an Intersect," Sarah said flatly, her voice devoid of inflection.
Ellie looked stricken, paling as she looked between her brother and his wife. "I'm not entirely certain you don't have one, Sarah."
"What?" Chuck asked sharply, almost launching forward off his seat. He looked frantically at Sarah, who looked confused.
"In everything you remembered, you don't remember having it suppressed, do you?" Ellie asked cautiously.
Sarah's eyes flew wide, as she slowly shook her head back and forth without speaking.
"Ellie, you're scaring the hell out of me," Chuck said intensely. "How is that possible?"
"Morgan had it for, what, months and months without flashing, right? You had to train him how to flash, not like what you experienced. That's what he told me," Ellie said seriously.
"It ended up being an entirely different program that I was supposed to download, not him. So yeah, but we just, you know…" His eyes darted back and forth as his mind started turning over his racing thoughts.
"If you think of Sarah as what you would have been with the malfunctioning Intersect, had Dad not been able to fix it, it makes sense, doesn't it?" Ellie asked.
"It would have killed me or driven me insane, El," he said, looking away as he saw the shock on his sister's face. He knew, it was from such a dire situation never having been shared with her in real time, in the past.
"You, maybe. But Morgan's brain was different from yours. And so is Sarah's. It sort of burned itself out. But the framework is most likely still there," Ellie explained.
"What are you getting at, Ellie?" Sarah asked, sitting up and touching Chuck's arm, keeping him from blocking her view of his sister.
"You're at a crux here. But before I go home, I think I need to talk to General Beckman. At least get some access to their information," she explained.
"Ellie, we appreciate it. We do. I just don't want to start this again. I wanted to destroy it. It's what Dad wanted. He knew the government would never stop. And it's hurt more than it's helped, Ellie," he said adamantly.
"You really believe that, Chuck?" Ellie said sadly.
He sat forward, resting his face forward into his hands.
He felt Sarah's hand on his back, her fingers stroking the hair at the base of his skull. "For all the damage it's done, without it, I never would have met you. And you," she stressed, pulling his chin so he had to face her, "are the best thing that ever happened to me."
Their eyes locked, the emotion in the room thick like a fog. Ellie choked up, humbled to have witnessed something so miraculous. Chuck's eyes overflowed, as he pulled her against him.
"Believe me, Sarah. You're the best thing that ever happened my brother, too."
Chuck heard her sniffle, then chuckle softly.
"I'm a lucky guy," he finally said, reaching over and grabbing his sister's hand, grateful for all of his blessings. Sarah laughing softly against his chest, the greatest of those that he would ever know.
A/N: The next chapter is the angst-iest, by far. This is a little rest from the constant brow-beating I seem to be doing with this FF. Once we clear that, it's smooth sailing. We're looking at 3-4 more chapters before this one is complete. Thank you for reading and reviewing, if you are so inclined. :)