Whew! I always try to make things flow… I hope you like it!
Chapter 5 My White Rabbit
I don't know why I thought a bar would smell like anything less than my father's breath - stale yeast, sugar, and a hint of Marlboro. I fan away the cloud of cigarette smoke as I rethink my decision to come here. I thought this would be an escape from home, not a reminder of it.
Anita waves me down to the end of the bar and taps the seat of the stool next to her. "Hey baby Bella, I'm so glad you made it. The place's got a different feel when you're not dragging your old man out the back, aye."
"Yeah that's for sure. I haven't heard from him yet, so it'll probably be awhile before you see him in here again." With Anita, there's always that unspoken question behind her eyes. I put her out of her misery early, no need in dragging it out.
"I should probably just call him, right?" She scratches at the lone patch of gray hair on her left temple.
I softly nod, careful not to get caught condoling her desperation. "I'm sure he'll answer. He might not say much, but he'll answer." He's an idle drunk. What could he possibly have to say? How much can he make you feel, when he drinks so he won't feel. Maybe she'll get lucky and catch him while he's sober.
We share a brief pause before she deeply exhales, tapping the wooden bar top.
"So, onto the good stuff! You'll wear a black tank top and jeans for now. You're a barback, so you don't have to worry about tending. Just look cute and do what you normally do at the diner. Leave the rest up to me and Embry." She points over to the long haired guy pouring a shot of whisky for a paunchy grandpa towards the middle of the bar.
"He's my bartender. He's my eye candy. But if shit gets rowdy, he's also my muscle. If all goes well and you like it here, we'll talk about hours. Deal?"
"Deal." I readjust my hips on the stiff bar stool. How bad can this really be. It's just like the diner, except everybody's depressed or drunk.
"Now Bella you've lived here your whole life. So I don't have to tell you how things work around here. You know most of the guys that fall in, but you know most of them sober. Being drunk makes people unpredictable, so detach yourself. You don't make friends with your father's drinking buddy, you don't smile unless you want to…"
I know how to say no, and I know to stay out of a drunk man's way. But I can tell these are the least of my worries. If all I had to fear was a rowdy drunk, we wouldn't be having this talk.
"We're right on the border of town and the reservation. Some natives may come in from time to time, but they were raised a lil different, not bad, just a lil different." Her tone gets lower, barely above the annoying music from the jukebox, before she leans in for the rest. "Now I know you've seen those Wolf Kings at the diner, but this ain't Peggy's diner. You see them coming, you keep your head down, and carry on with your job. They get into a fight, head to the back and wait for them to leave. Don't go callin' the sheriff, you got that?"
"Yes." I'm in another world in here. There are new rules, new people with familiar faces, but it's all different.
She rests her hands on my tired shoulders and looks deep into my nervous eyes. "I don't have to worry about you doing what's right, but keep your guard up and your eyes open. Son of a bitch ask you to dance for him, tell him no. He don't listen, you come get me, or you yell for Embry. You've got a backbone, I know you'll use it. I know you can handle yourself."
"Thank you, Anita." If I could ever wish for a better mom, I'd hope she'd be something like Anita. I guess I can't complain too much. I can't even remember what my mom was like before she left.
" Don't thank me yet. The night is still young. Now, say hi to Embry. He's real nice and he'll show you the ropes behind the bar, if we ever get overcrowded." He gives a stiff nod with soft eyes and a playful smile. From what I can see past the bar, He's a lean, yet muscular native man. Something about his keen features are different from Jakes. He looks either mixed, or from a different tribe.
I lamely wave to him. I'm afraid my shaken voice will give me away. I've lived in Forks my whole life but this seems like I'm walking into a whole new dimension. If I'm Alice in wonderland, whose the white rabbit?
"Now loosen up! We're on the cusp of happy hour." She shakes my shoulders loose and draws a stressed giggle from my ribs.
If there's one thing I could say about working at a bar, is that time flies when you can't really hear your own thoughts. I almost cut my hand cutting lime wedges, but nobody paid any attention to me. I was invisible. I was in a bubble of paradise.
•••I wake up midafternoon to ringing ears and sore forearms. I wonder if I could get away with earplugs during happy hour. I can't wait to fall back into the rabbit hole.
As if the ringing in my ears couldn't get any worse. My phone rings once before I answer it.
"Hey dad, it's Saturday, you said you'd be home." I slide down the wall and fold myself, knees to chest, in the hall across from his bedroom. I knowingly stare at the dark and empty entrance. He didn't meet his quota. He can't get off that boat until he does. Otherwise we're gonna lose the house.
"Sorry kiddo. I'm going to have to be out here a bit longer. I uh, hurt my shoulder, well my neck like the shoulder-neck part. And uh— I couldn't pull my weight so, boss has got me working overtime while we're here. Ha-ha I'm in Alaska. You should see the view. It's beautiful. The mountains are just-"
My ears close up and blood from my head rushes to my rickety ankles. It's all bullshit. This call does not have to be any longer than it needs to be. "Yeah, yeah dad I know. Alaska's great. You said that the last five times you've been stuck out there. Do me a favor and send what you've got to the account, something's better than nothing."
"Yeah about that, I know you need a dress for prom and all but maybe you can ask Ani—"
"This isn't about the prom, this is about the fucking mortgage. I'm not going to prom. I never said I was going to prom."
"Relax Bells. I'm really trying. You sound like you're walkin' the plank over there."
Yeah and I'm on the fucking edge. "I'm so sick of this shit. I'm tired. I'm tired of bending over backwards. What did you do with the money, Charlie?"
"I had a few drinks with the fellas, and I lost some of my gear." I waited with bated breath for the rest of it.
"That's it? You lost gear or you sold it for booze?"
"Neither, I lost a bet waged on gear. So I had a few extra expenses." Huh? Like, what? So not just booze, probably a hooker and cheap booze. This wouldn't be the first time. You have the ability to shrug anything off.
We're both silent and I'm at a complete loss for words. How despicable. "Wow. I think I've lost all respect for you."
"Now just hold up a minute. I'm an adult, and you're the child. If I want to get a drink or place a bet, that's my business. I deserve that money."
Raising your voice does not make you sound any smarter, any more mature, or any scarier. You're sloppy anger is not a cast net. I'm not ten anymore.
"Oh you deserve that money?" The only kid here is you. You can't even pay your own bills. You deserve whatever karma throws at you. You deserve that money?
"Yeah, I do. I've been taking care of you for seventeen years. I worked hard for that money." His shameless tone almost sounds hubristic.
"Take care of me? Is that what you think? You can't even take care of your rotting gut. I swear you've been drunk for over half of my life." You're a fucking loser.
"You and that fucking bottle can go to hell." Why do I bother answering the phone when he only cares about himself. I grip the roots of my hair and breath into the pain. This is why I'd rather feel dead inside.
The doorbell rings three times, an awkward pause between the last two. Nobody ever comes here. I don't have friends and there is no family. Something seems off, but not weird. I can feel energy pulling me through the door. It's ruthless, but gentle. It's comfortably familiar.
"Yeah dad somebody's at the door. I'm gonna-"
"Wait! Wait, that's what I was calling you about. See I uh might be in a little trouble this month. Remember that Steelers game I bet on before I left the pier, well I lost and uh -."
"You what?! How much do you owe?" I peak my head down the staircase as if I can see whose behind the door. As if me whispering into the phone will make them go away.
"See the thing is there's probably interest now so-" He snickers into my ear. "Maybe your tips from working so hard at the diner will cover it."
"Goodbye Dad." There's no way. There's no way I can pay this debt. He won't even give me money for the utilities this month.
"Bella wait, listen-"
I hang up the phone before he can say anything else.
The doorbell rings again, this time only once.
"Alright alright! I'm coming" I rush down the stairs and reach into the coat closet for my only line of defense, my father's harpoon gun.
I swing the door open and get ready to fire. Some dirty old geezer off the pier is not about to bleed me dry. Whoever it is, they'd have to take it up with Charlie whenever he gets back, or pry it from my cold dead hands.
But it's not some old schmuck.
"Move that thing out of my face, Bella."
"Jake?" I'm lost. I don't know whether to shoot or run or do as he says. The wind blows and mellow cedar and sandalwood waft into my space. Jake.
He looks just as beautiful as any other day. Hair in a messy top knot, cheeks flush from the fall breeze, and his hooded eyes look even more alluring. He always wears those woolen sweaters, but this one's different. It's black and white with a pattern that I've never seen before. It looks like some of the tattoos I've seen running up his arms. It looks ancient and sacred, like I'm not allowed to touch it. Like it will burn me if I dare run my fingers along the seams.
He hasn't moved a inch. He's been staring at me this whole time, just waiting. His eyes going from my eyes to the spear.
He rolls his eyes with an exasperated sigh. "Put the fishing rifle down, Bella."
"How did you get here? How do you know where I live?" How did you know I wanted to see you?
"Your father owes me money. Well, he owes my family money. I'm here to collect a debt on behalf of my cousins."
"I don't have it, so you're going to have to take it up with him when he reaches the dock."
He just shakes his head in reply, coming in closer, crowding the doorway. He won't give me time to think.
"I told you I don't have it." My lips quiver as I feel the heat. His heat. It's sweltering and wild. I'm scared and aroused at the same time.
"Take your finger off the trigger, Bella. You better be glad I asked to take this job today. Otherwise, my brother would have his hands around your fucking throat. Gimme that, the safety switch is still on." He snatches the gun from my weak grasp and walks further into the foyer, closing the door behind him.