Chapter 14 : I'm Sure the Neighbors are Watching
It's starting to grow eyes. It's staring at me. It's starting to sprout a seed of insecurity and anxiety. It's burrowing into the grain of my desk. It's coming for me.
The ends of the card threaten to cut through me like a double edged sword. It stabs the skin under my nails as I pick it up from my desk. This little black card will bring me painful dole.
I made the mistake of bringing it home. Ten little numbers deeply embossed on a heavy piece of paper feel so exhausting. It feels like I have invited his presence into my home.
I hold the article up to the lamp light, flipping it over, back and forth. Why is it so hard to throw this stupid thing away?
But it would be stupid to throw it away. Edward said he would help me. It's another lifeline. All I have to do is call, and he'll pick up. It wouldn't hurt to just keep it. It's for a rainy day.
It's one more person on my side and in my corner when it feels like the whole town is against me. Whether that's to do with my drunk father, or wayward mother, or my unsavory personality, I don't think I'll ever find out. Am I toeing the line of balance when I say I need "friends"? Everyone asks me for favors. I may need a favor too. It pays to know someone more important than you.
At what price? Edward's help won't come for free. He wants me to convince Jacob, to ask him about something I don't understand.
How is Edward different from Mike or Sam? I can easily turn away from their slithering advances. I can recognize how wicked they are. They're from Forks. I know what makes them tic.
But I don't feel any evil nor goodwill from Edward. I feel nothing regarding his true intentions. Maybe it's not about me or intentions towards me, but towards something else or someone else. In no truer terms: Edward is not from here.
I should throw the card out and say a prayer. I should tear it up and forget about it. This isn't a secret, this is an oversight, an omission. Keeping this card will haunt me. Telling Jake about this will only make things worse. For who exactly?
I don't think this is just some little rivalry backed by principle; this runs deep. Edward made a point of meeting with me, and believes I can somehow help him. I don't think I can, not without betraying Jake. He knows that.
There are things that Jake has been keeping from me, but there's a reason. I'm sure of it. I need a translator when everyone around me is speaking in code. I need someone who has no interest in hiding from me.
Jake would never trust me with anything if he found out I was talking to Edward, or that I kept something from him. Then again Edward didn't tell me anything. Why would he ask me to ask Jake anything on his behalf? Why would he trust me?
He doesn't need to trust me. He needs Jake to trust me.
Trust is not the same as seeking mutual benefit. He told me to ask Jake what the treaty means, ask Jake why I shouldn't speak to his family. He didn't tell me anything new, other than murder accusations.
A murder I don't think Jake committed. Is this what he meant when he said he doesn't really make his own decisions? If the wolves want someone dead, does Jake have a choice?
I'm not ready to be used and manipulated by Edward. He hasn't offered me anything I need. He doesn't have anything I want.
If the bond between Jake and I ever breaks because of my distrust or disloyalty, it would be my own fault. When he realizes I'm not worth the trouble, when his impression of me falls flat to the dirt and the grime that I'm born from, I hope to still be in functioning pieces or completely gone.
Maybe that's Edward's goal, to hurt Jake.
Maybe I should pull away. Maybe it's not worth the pain and rejection to know more than what Jake's willing to show me. If I don't know anything, then there's nothing to tell Edward.
But that would mean Jake doesn't trust me. That would mean Jake shouldn't trust me. Do we need to trust each other?
I believe in what we feel together. I have no doubt within the connection that stirs beneath us. Have I no trust in him? Can he save me from myself? Would he abandon me? Could he be savage enough to throw me away? Could he grow to hate me?
Could he kill my soul as easily as killing one of the Italians? Did he really kill Edward's guys? Do I want to know the answer to that question? Do I care about the answer to that question? Would Jacob tell me the truth?
I would still want him. I would still want to feel him. Even if he killed someone right in front of me, I wouldn't want him to turn me loose.
He is man, bound to his mistakes and free will. Minds change. Feelings change. All things are possible. Could he look at me with cold eyes? Could our heat run cold. Could his grip on my soul loosen? Could his eyes forget me? Could he remove his dagger from my sternum and leave the whole gaping and bleeding for him? I hope he'll find it impossible to walk away from me.
My thoughts are becoming more reckless and disheveled by the minute.
I drop the card into my desk drawer and slam it shut. I'm pathetic. I'm wavering. I feel less alone.
He's here.
Before he can finish his second knock, I yank the door open. I feel the resistance of the wind and the force of his incivility. My knees have never been so weak.
There is no spoken greeting between us. We simply share an open eye and closed mouth kiss. I need more. I need displacement. I want to drown. I lick at the shadow between his lips over and over again.
He slowly walks me further into the house with his towering steps.
I press myself into his frame and let the chill fall below my feet. My breathing is shallow and hungry. I grab at his face with both of my hands, pulling him down to my level of comfort.
He won't touch me. I'm clawing at his back and neck, but he won't touch me. I bite at his lip, keeping his cupid's bow between my teeth. I wait for his eyes to change.
He can feel it. He knows I'm hiding something from him. His eyes are so wary and involved. It's torturous. He won't let me look away.
He's trying to pry open an indescribable pathway. This is his defense against my advance. Jake will force the truth out of me whether I say it out loud or not.
Why are you depriving me? I will tell you the truth, always.
And now I'm backed into the corner of my kitchen, keeping as much distance between us as possible. The worst has come true. We are on the cusp of permissive searching and inquisition.
Everything is still as he speaks quiet and low, "Did Embry bring your car back here?"
I shake my head no.
He already knew that. His eyes say he already knew that.
"So you went to Anita's yourself?"
I swallow the lump in my throat and let "No," fill the air with my artless answer.
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head with a hopeless stare before asking, "So how'd you get it back, Bella?"
"Edward gave it back to me."
"What?" My words make him tilt his head back like I took a swipe at him.
"It wasn't much I could do. Anita gave my truck to him. Her daughter gave me a ride to the pier. I had to wait there until he brought my pickup. He wanted me to talk to you, but it didn't really feel like he was sending a message. It was more of a request." The words pour from my lips in a continuous stream. It feels like a release of friction. There, I said it. I told him.
I reach out to him, weaving my fingers into his hair, leaving kisses along his neck. Unfortunately that's not the end of my nightmare.
The rise of anger and dissension is at the small of my back. Jake's hands start to shake along my hips. The veins along his arms start to rise. He starts breathing very deeply and carefully. I want these vibrations inside of me. I want him inside of me.
Something is off. I watch as his aura turns murderous, and he silently breaks away and heads towards the door.
"Jake, no wait, listen!" I chase after him, running down the porch steps, tripping over the last stair, and falling into his back yelling for him to "Stop!" Why are you leaving?
He will not stop walking away from me. It's like he doesn't even feel me. I jump onto his back and let my weight come down, hoping to trap him. Instead, I only stop myself. It feels like I've belly flopped into a Mack truck, knocking all the wind from my lungs.
"Bella, go back in the house." It's like his voice has split into two octaves. He's been taken over by his aggression and the rush. He heard Edward's name and everything fell apart.
Why are you leaving me here?
I slide down and grab on to his waist from behind. He's going to have to drag me all the way to his car. This is not what I wanted to happen. What just happened? Why won't he listen. It's like he can't hear me.
He's leaving me. He's ignoring the bond. We're like two magnets repelling.
My frustration wells up in tears that spill over my cheeks. What have I done? I never meant to push him deeper into the darkness. I let out a painful cry. I'm so fragile. I'm going to break. With one last attempt at my strength, I hold him tighter, letting a single sob penetrate his back.
He stops. I shakily exhale as he peers over his shoulder and down at me. He looks like an angel with pinched brows and blackened eyes. I can feel his wrath coming to a low simmer as his shadow invades my gut and sets fire to my stuttering heart.
I am breathing in cold air and expelling fire. I don't have wings. I don't have a pure soul. My feet are halfway buried into the ground, but this is the first time I've wanted to pull him away from darkness.
"Let go." His tone is flat and barbarous.
"No." I ignore the ache from my gripping fists. I let my tears shamelessly fall.
His frown starts to break and soften. "I said let go."
"I said no," I weakly reply. I refuse to let go.
"Bella-" His mask is completely gone. It's just Jake now, soft expressive eyes and indestructible touch.
"No! I don't want you to go. I don't want you to do something you can't take back. You don't even know what he said to me. Nothing bad happened." Can't you see I'm telling the truth. Can't you see I'm pleading with you.
"Doesn't matter. He's sending me a message that he can get to you if he wants. Anytime, anyplace, all on his turf. He didn't even have to find out where you live. He went against my warning."
This is why he told me not to tell Jake. This is why Edward said I should pretend it never happened.
"Just listen to me, please. He didn't do anything crazy. He's not stupid enough to test the Wolves. He said his family isn't leaving anytime soon, so he asked me to ask you, to leave things alone right now." I realize how ridiculous I sound. I'm sure I look like a dumb pufferfish in this moment, no self-awareness and stress levels about to make my brain pop out of my skull.
I twist myself around his torso so we're face to face. He wipes the tears from my cheeks and runs his thumb across my swollen bottom lip. It's something about the way he looks at me that makes me think I've lost my mind. Something about the way he whispers my name against my damp cheek that tells me I can't part the clouds that are hanging over his head.
Jake picks me up by the tops of my shoulders and removes my entire body from his path. He starts walking towards his truck again and I panic.
"No, no, Jake stop! He didn't say it like that. Listen to me! He just wanted me to ask you to look the other way this time. He wants you to forget about the bar. He doesn't want to start a fight." I don't want to start a fight. I want you to stay here with me.
He shakes his head back and forth in disapproval.
"He had my truck and the stuff I left at Anita's. What was I supposed to do? I told you this was going to happen. What was I supposed to do!"
"You call me! You let me fix it. You're supposed to rely on me," He yells back, eyes blazing. "I told you to stay away from him, and you did the exact opposite. I didn't tell you about the Cullens so you could have a fucking playdate. This isn't a game, Bella."
"You told me a whole bunch of nothing, Jake, and you know it," My voice shakes under the weight of his.
"Bella, my worst fear is that he does something to you in order to get to me. That he hurts you just to make me break the treaty."
I shriek in confession. "None of this makes any sense. Everyone is saying treaty this, treaty that. I don't even know what's in the damn treaty and why it matters so much! But he didn't do anything. He was too worried about how much I knew about you, and the Wolves, and your family. I told you I want to hear things from you. I don't want to be shocked or blindsided. I can't defend you if you don't let me in!"
"I don't need you to defend me! I'm not going to keep having this conversation with you."
"That's the problem! He thinks we've already had this conversation. I told him I don't know anything, but I don't think he believes me. He thinks I can get through to you, that you'll listen to me, that you trust me."
"Why did you meet up with him?" He fists his hair so tightly it pulls at his scalp and raises his eyebrows.
"I didn't know it would be him. Anita's daughter gave me a ride to the pier. She said her mom's business partner would drop it off. I didn't know who was going to turn up."
"Why did you stay? Why didn't you just get your stuff and leave?"
"It wasn't that simple." Because I had a lot of questions and I knew you weren't going to answer them. I want you to trust me. I want to believe in you. "He held onto my keys until he got what he wanted."
"What else did he say?"
I look around the driveway and towards the neighbor's house before I whisper, "He asked me if I knew about a couple of friends from Denali that got killed down here. He thinks the Wolves did it."
"And what did you tell him?"
"I told him what you do on your land is your business and nobody else's. I told him I didn't know anything about it. I told him if it was true, you had your reasons." I pull him back towards the house. Desperately pleading, "Just come back inside. Please, Jacob I — don't go."
He looks up at the sky and pulls me back to his side.
I look into his tired eyes and bring his knuckles to my lips. "Please Jacob, you came to rest, right. Let's get some sleep. Just sleep on it."
My sore feet trek mud through the foyer and up the stairs to my room. We lay in bed on top of the covers with the lights off. He lays flat on his back, muscles lax. The nerves have left him a made their way to me.
I tensely curl up at his side, biting my cheek. "Did you kill those guys from Denali?" I stare down at the clay in between my toes.
"Would you look at me any differently?" He grabs my jaw and pulls my face to his. "Would you still let me touch you with my bare hands?" His grip tightens, the aura of destruction right at his fingertips.
I close the space between us and kiss him with all I've got. Our tongues meld and dance together. I don't care. Even if you told me you were death itself, I'd rush to you for one last kiss.
He holds the back of my head and stares forcefully into my eyes. "The answer is no, I didn't. I'm not so sure my brother didn't. So if it turns out he did, then yes we killed them. We both belong to the first family and are all extensions of one another."
It's enough for me. I would've held on either way. I would've kissed you all the same.
"I'd never hurt you or put you in danger, Bella." He wraps his arms around my shoulders and joins our noses.
For some reason I don't believe him. I wrap myself around his side, and lay my head on his chest. I weave our legs together and hang on for dear life.
What is it like to trust someone completely, to bend to their will? I want to belong to you. Give me something to hold on to.
Wherever you go, take me with you. I'm afraid of being left behind.
I hope you had an easier time reading this than I had writing it … I don't know how I feel about this chapter...
Do you think Bella should've gotten rid of Edward's card?
Do you think she should've told Jacob about the card? Hell, what do you think about Bella in general at this point?