Chapter 18: How Does it Feel?
At this time of day, the tide wouldn't leave me out. The gravitational forces from the moon and the sun would pull me in with the wind. I should just jump. The loading docks are empty. Nobody would see. Nobody would miss me.
But would the water be deep enough? Would I drown fast enough? It'd probably take all day. It would feel the same as being on land, flailing around waiting to die. It's all the same.
I'm being ignored. A deep dive into the cold or sinking into the mud, a shock to my soft side…
Maybe it's not Jake. Maybe it's me.
As many times as I've been at the pier, I've never actually jumped. I've never had the guts to jump or the discipline to breathe in the water. Maybe that's what Jake saw in me: too impatient for the dirt to swallow me and too scared to dive head first. There's no way I can protect him. I don't know enough to help him.
Can helping Jake come in the form of a child? Would he want that with me? Would he ever ask that of me? Is that what he's afraid of? Am I just not good enough?
My ear feels abused by the silence on the other end of the line. There's no greeting, only the annoying beep.
I'm being ignored.
"Jake I— did I say something wrong? Did something happen?" Are you staring at your phone? Why won't you talk to me? "Call me back," Or not.
Why did I leave another message? I should've hung up the phone when I had a chance. I'm sure he saw the last seven times I called.
He doesn't want to see me. He doesn't want to talk to me. I guess the message is really for me: Give up already.
I feel like someone has peeled my skin back. The cool draft and the cold shoulder feel like a punch to the gut. This is cruel.
And that's it. I've grown bored of being alone. I want to feel the rush. I want to feel his treacherous hands on my skin. I just want to feel your lips like the first kiss.
This is my empty side. Where the splinters turn bloody and the skin gets rough. I lean over the wooden guard post and feel the empty growl of my stomach. It's gnawing hunger. Grilled cheese? Garlic bread? Nah, something saltier.
It's such a quiet day, but the ugliest, loudest sight I've ever seen invades my wallowing. My appetite is gone. A pimple has reared its head. It's red and angry. It's like one of those hard ones that can't be popped and hurts like hell. Except this ones on two legs and looks like it shit it's pants.
"Ew! What the hell happened to you?" Not that I'm worried or upset. You deserve it.
"You!" Mike's blackeye and swollen jaws make me feel a little better and peer a little closer.
"You?" You what? You got your ass kicked. Unfortunately you didn't drop dead. You're still here, bothering me with that busted lip and sweaty hair.
"You, Bella," he accuses, shirt dingy and as mangled as his face.
"What?" I wish it was me. I wish I was the one to pull you down from your high horse. How does the pain and embarrassment feel? Can you bear it? Are you excited yet?
"I knew the minute I saw you in that fucking sweater. You're whoring for those Indians now, aren't you? What did you tell them? What did they tell you?" His eyes are large and erratic.
"Relax, Mike. Why are you so paranoid? I really didn't do anything. I don't even know what's going on, never do."
"You set me up! He almost broke my fucking nose. I know you told them something. He was so angry, he barely let me get a word in."
His blood crusted nose makes my face scrunch. But then, "Wait, a native guy did this?"
"Don't play dumb with me." Mike holds his head, glaring at me.
"What did he look like?" Was it Jake? He said he didn't know Mike. Was he lying? Did Jake do this because of what I said? I thought he was joking. None of this adds up. It couldn't be Jake.
"Cut the shit. It's always you, the bottom of the barrel. You shouldn't even show your face on the pier. Charlie is a joke. Daddy's ship was sinking, so you latched on to any man that would look at you?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somehow this is my fault. Mike looks like a child with trembling lips and a deep furrow. He's so ugly and so stupid. He really believes with all his heart that this is my fault.
Have I latched on to Jacob? Is that what I am, a barnacle?
No this is wrong. It has to be Edward. I told him where to find Mike. But Edward isn't native…Maybe Edward set him up. He owes Edward money, not Jake.
Unless Mr. Newton borrowed money from everybody. Who knew the Newton's were living above their raisin'? "No, from what I heard that would be you. How long has the ship been sinking, Mike? How many of your friends know you're borrowing money? How many of 'the guys' were there when daddy's boss caught you spending his money. This speech is getting old. Find somebody else to blame. With your big mouth, I'm sure you slipped up and told a secret or two."
He stands in my path, blocking me from leaving. His breathing is heavy. His eye is starting to swell shut. His runny nose and bloody breath invade my personal space. "Girls like you should learn how to shut their mouths. What don't you understand! You're nothing different. You are absolute trash. Do I have to break you first?" He backhands me clear across my face. "How did you find out about my father's deal?"
He hit me. He just hit me. His clammy palm took a swipe at my face.
I think I bit my jaw on impact. The sting numbs the blow. I hold the side of my face and stare back at him in shock, anger, and humiliation.
Maybe this is why my mother left. She got tired of people blaming her.
"Who told you about Hephaestus?" His teeth are clenched and his hand is poised to stoke the fire again. I'm held in place by his other hand tugging my hair from the roots.
My scalp screams for mercy as he yanks me into submission. My neck protests at his reckless strength. I grab at his hands, yelling for him to let go. "You fucking bastard!"
"You stupid bitch. This is the last time I'm going to ask. For once just take the easy way out. Who told you?" His assault is cut short by the purr of a Volvo's rushed engine. Mike's hands eerily release hold.
Mike's face turns white at the sight of the figure walking towards us. I clear the blur from my eyes, wiping away the tears. It's Edward slipping on his black leather gloves. I thought I'd never be glad to see such a sight.
"Sorry I'm late to the party." He takes a look at my face. His eyes narrow and shift to Mike. "Although it looks like you started without me."
Edward lifts my chin, gently tilting my head until my eyes meet his. He asks me a question I've never been asked before, "Do you want me to kill him?"
They feel better than any 'I love you'.
I nod my head up and down before declaring with resolve, "Yes."
Edward bursts out in full belly laughter. His gloved hands caress my cheeks and smooth my hair before he stops Mike from leaving. "Where the fuck do you think you're running off to?" He wraps his hands around Mike's neck. His fingers dig in like claws on a bear trap.
Mike's eyes bulge and his lips start to lose color. Everything goes quiet as his ears turn red. This feels like the climb of a roller coaster. My stomach disappears at the peak.
"And so I caught the rat by his tail." Edward's voice turns flat and drawn. His face is smooth and observant. "You've been running from me, Michael."
Edward punches him in the side so hard he stops breathing for a second. "Unfortunately for you, I've been having a really bad day."
I thought my heart would never beat so fast at the thought of Edward inflicting pain. I thought I'd never feel so warm inside. I should leave.
He knew I was joking, right? He knows not to actually kill him. I swallow the acid at the back of my throat and try not to pass out. The sway to my legs is making me nervous.
"Tell me about Michael. I know he puts his hands on women. I know he's been spending my money. But what's new? Tell me something I don't know."
It's like all of the pores on my body open up. My breathing has become really deep and slow. I can't explain this feeling. My chest opens and then the dam breaks, "He's a messy eater… Food everywhere, on the seats, on the table, under the table like he has a hole in his jaw. He's absolutely disgusting. He loves being in control. He looks down on the rest of us. He's a loser piece of shit that buys his friends."
"Sounds just like a rat. That reminds me; where is my money?"
Mike won't open his mouth. Instead he decides to spit. Nasty spittle sprays in my direction. That seems to set Edward off and throws him into a fit of sadistic play.
Everything's happening so fast. My eyes can't keep up with the scuffle. Every blow is brutal and heavy fisted. I step back when Mike's knees hit the deck.
"Clearly the wolves got to you first. Not much left I can do except break your fucking legs." Edward switches to a headlock as Mike yells out for help.
"Where did your dad dump the cargo?" Edward digs his heel into his Achilles.
"Ahhhh! Fuck you."
Cargo? What type of cargo? I thought this was about money and ownership.
My toes curl as Edward fists his ribs again. He abruptly pauses in thought, "Actually, now's your chance, Bella. Hit him." His tousled hair blows in the silent wind. His eyebrows raise in mischief.
"What?" My empty stomach lurches. Did he just ask me to swim over and help him drown someone?
"You heard me. I said hit him. You can break his nose or kick him in the ribs. Go ahead! Have a little fun." His eyes spark with excitement as I take a step forward.
That's not what I want. I'm not that type of person, right? Pleasure from someone else's pain… Would I get the satisfaction? I lick my lips and try to think about what it would feel like for me.
"So you just like to watch?" Edward's knee digs into Mike's back arching his torso towards me.
My weight rocks forward before doing the unthinkable. I kick Mike in his side. He groans and gurgles in Edward's vice.
"Whaaat are you done already? That's so boring," He teases with a daring glint.
"That's all I need."
"I serve him up, practically on a silver platter, and that's all you want? When are you going to get out of your fucking head and actually do something; hit him!"
"You stupid bitch. You kick me again and you're gonna have hell to pay. You hear me!"
I stare at my bald up fists. Yeah, I want more. It's wrong and dirty. It felt good.
"It's not always about what you need. Take what you want." Edward nods his head welcoming my rage filled blows.
I kick him again, harder this time. I let the air rush from my lungs. This pleasure cuts and teases. The rapture is in the lungs. I can only feel it when I exert force.
"Again, again," Edward goads. His sharp teeth peek through his smile.
This time I punch him as hard as I can. I punch him right in the nose. I immediately regret it. Why the fuck did I do that. Oh my gosh. My hand is throbbing! The pain is twenty times worse than anything I've ever felt. I yelp and thrash at the hell I'm in.
"What happened? You break a knuckle? Jammed one of your fingers?" Edward tosses Mike on the deck to check my hand.
"I think so. It hurts like hell." My tears fall with a whimper and weak sobs.
Edward moves my fingers and I scream. "Ok. Time to go."
I panic at any further involvement, "Go where? I'm not going anywhere with you."
"Don't be ridiculous. Bella. You need to see a doctor."
"I don't have money to go to the hospital! I'd get arrested for assault or something. I'm going home."
He rolls his eyes asking, "How? You can't drive home like this. I'm taking you to see my dad. He's a doctor."
The torment is starting to creep in and leak from my tongue, "Why did I listen to you?" What is wrong with me? Have I lost my mind?
"It's fine. It doesn't look broken. I should've warned you."
"Yeah you always forget to warn me. I don't even know what just happened. Why did I do that? I would've never done that."
Edward leads me towards his car, gloved palm gently pressed to my spine. "It's simple really. The cat ate the rat, and the dog ate the cat."
"What?"
"Yeah." His obvious tone is what scares me.
"Oh, as if to say clearly, naturally, certainly. What the fuck are you talking about?" I really am crazy. I let my curiosity get the best of me. I'm being escorted to hell.
"Mikes a rat. You've gotta decide if you're a dog or a cat," he explains.
"And you call me weird. I'm starting to think you're weird. And what about Mike? We can't just leave him here."
"Mike's still breathing. Jasper and Emmet are on their way to clean up the mess and get him home. Well really they're making sure we collect, but yeah Mike's fine."
I look up at him in utter shock at his offhand tone. This is nothing for him, routine.
"What? Come on baby! After everything we've been through? It was fun. Admit it! You liked it as much as I did."
"No, absolutely not. My hand is killing me."
"But look at the bright side, we spent some quality time together. Things are going great if you ask me. It's never a dull moment with you, Isabella Marie Swan."
"How do you know my whole name?"
"Small town, remember?" He folds me up in the passenger seat of his car and we take off towards the sticks.
"So aren't you gonna thank me for being your knight in shining armor?"
I look over at his overconfident posture. "You're more like a gargoyle, but thanks."
"Ouch. That actually kinda hurt. On the other hand, I'm flattered."
He drove dangerously fast before we ended up in front of a modern homemade of mostly glass. It looks like it came straight out of a magazine. The paved driveway, four car garage, manicured landscaping, it looks like a land far away from Forks.
I can't help the eyebrow that raises asking, "This is your house? Why on earth do you come into town?" Staring at his home, I almost forgot about my throbbing hand. This looks like a place you'd never want to leave.
"There are beautiful sights everywhere. This gets boring after a while. Did you expect something different?"
"I was expecting something neo gothic." Why start lying now?
"Like the gargoyles?"
"Yeah, like the gargoyles."
Standing in front of the mansion puts things in better perspective. The architecture towers over the falling sun.
We walk through the heavy doors and the pixie I saw from the bar dances into the foyer. She hums a song of joy and excitement. "I knew it! I knew it. I saw it. When will you learn to listen?" She waves tarot cards back and forth in a fanning motion.
Edward simplifies the odd scene, "Alice thinks she's psychic. Others believe she's psychotic."
"I'll kill you in your fuckin' sleep. How's that for a psychic vision?" Her tone darkens and shapes her deepened voice.
"Oh dear sister, you'd never get the chance."
"Try me." The glowering contest has ensued between siblings.
"Enough you two. You're going to scare the guest." The older woman shoots a warning glare at Alice. "I'm Esme. How befitting, my favorite son has brought a beautiful girl with an Italian name to our home. Welcome, Bella." Her greeting is as perfect as her appearance. A real life stepford wife on the outskirts of rural Washington knows my name. She has sandy brown hair and milky skin. Her sweet smile is alluring and mysterious. "Would you like to stay for dinner? I'm making mushroom ravioli.
"Um, maybe?"
Edward pulls me past his quirky sister statuesque mom. "Come on, Bella. Let's get your hand fixed."
I'm interested in what you all think…Tell me are you shocked… disappointed … excited…
Side note: Does anybody else miss Tricky Raven?