Chapter 21: He Came Anyway
Soaking in the soil has come to smother me. My ears are full. All the pores on my body are clogged. Breathing through the wire between my teeth leaves my lips sore and my jaw locked. I've been here before.
Is this about physical or mental strength? Digging my nails in the slop beneath me is my guide to the game. It's about knowing if I've fought hard enough. Clawing and pulling and floating over the clay in a voiceless heap. But it can't be the wire that makes me weak.
Have I grown comfortable and content in the warm rain? What if it turns to snow? Am I fragile enough to shatter like a dried leaf? I fear I've already gone empty inside.
I've gotten tired of screaming hot air and the dizzying, lightheaded recoil. All I want to do is lay here and breathe. The exhaustion allows me to feel each inhale like the heat that I crave.
What am I scraping out of exactly? What am I fighting? Where am I going? I forgot. Is this free will or nature? Does free will have anything to do with nature? Is it natural to forget?
The mud is mud. Its behavior and composition remain the same. There is no altering its properties. I'm no alchemist. There's no reason to fight the mud. I've been fighting myself.
I come to the realization, and things change.
Things look different, but nothing has really changed its form. After I've tired myself out trying to control what is beyond me, I can get out of my own way. The dirt is predictable. The dirt will always be dirty. My skin will always be porous.
Am I fighting shame and loneliness? Will buds start to sprout from my skin the longer I rest here? I can grow past where I've sunken to. But what will bloom? It will be grown from me. It will be something bigger and better than what I could've asked for or imagined. Will it be good and full of light or grow like fungus with spores of sickness and suffering? All I have to do is stop fighting and let it grow. Letting go of the idea of an escape is to stop fighting growth.
And the soil starts to thump and bump in a repeating, progressive volume. It's full of tension and passion.
The source is close. A fist is banging on the front door in a methodic rap. I can feel who it is with each second that passes. The excitement lifts me from the couch. The cold floor greets my toes in a bitter shock before my hand twists the knob. He really came.
His large frame darkens the entrance. His eyes are in the shadows, but I can see him so clearly. His tan skin looks so crisp and supple in the gloom. His anger feels so sweet the way it makes the whites of his eyes glow. The way his brows bunch in stress. The way his lips slightly part, the calamity coils in arousing black ink.
Somehow your hair seems longer. You have fleeced me. I can think of nothing to say.
He steps into the foyer and now I can see blood spatter all over him. The droplets are starting to dry up on his neck and fingernails. His arms hang at their sides long and heavy. The destructive aura is still clinging to him. Everything about his appearance is appalling, yet none of the natural properties have changed form. He's still and will always be Jacob.
I reach for his hands and let the sticky blood rival my bid for his soul. I weave our fingers together, pleading with my eyes. I won't judge you. I need you. I pull him into the kitchen, only parting to wet the dish towel.
I start with his face, gently wiping away the freckled bloodstain along his chin and ears. The dishtowel leaves streaks on his skin and nervous energy in my hands.
I dab at the blood in the fibers of his clothes. "You should take a shower. I'll take your clothes. They should be washed right away. I don't know if I can get all the stains out, but you deserve to be clean." The dried bits are starting to form a scab on his skin and his sweater. I caress his sharp jawline and lick my lips when it flexes.
"You think I didn't know where you were." His forceful voice warms my stomach.
My cleaning stops abruptly at the sound of his words. I can't respond. I don't know what to say but, "I'll do the laundry now. I've got a little spot cleaner left from when I almost wrecked my uniform spilling vodka sauce at the diner. Just leave everything in a pile right here." I can't get this blood to stop looking at me. It's yelling for attention. It's holding me in a warped space between aroused and brittle. His words haven't quite registered yet.
"You thought I wouldn't find out?" His lips are set in a flat line. His breath washes over my cheeks.
This feeling is oddly familiar. Maybe it's because I had a Carrie moment in between table four and table seven. Of course, I turned as red as the sauce. "Or was it marinara?" But this isn't marinara.
He roughly snatches my wrists and pulls me back to reality. Our noses are dangerously close, I can feel the static on his lips. I look between his eyes as we share the same air. I'm trapped in a twisted snare. The weight of his shoulders pulls me down to my knees.
"He met you at school today. He came to see you at the diner last week. You left the pier with him. I know about it all."
I hiss at the tender nerves in my hands. They're suffocating from the strength of his will. The pit in my stomach starts to sting. "Jake—" I stare him in the eyes. Do you want to hurt me?
He stares back in anguish."Did you let him feel all the things you hide from me? Did you forget about me when you were with him?" The torment in his voice hurts deeper than his disappearing act.
"That's not what happened. None of it happened the way you're making it sound. You left me." Shit just happens.
He thinks it's all fueled by revenge. He thinks I meant to hurt him. He thinks I'm being spiteful. I didn't ask for this.
"How long have you been talking to him? Where did he take you? Tell me!" The urgency feels sick. His shaking form sends jitters down my spine.
"He wasn't there for me. He wanted to talk to you. I didn't go looking for him. He found me. Edward was trying to—He helped me," I explain in defeat. Have I done something wrong, cruel?
"You're defending him?" His eyes narrow.
"No! I—," I force out with as much feeling as I can exert.
"Then why are you testing me?!" The rage has sent him into a rabid state. Every time I speak it drives us to a lower frequency.
"Listen to me!"
"Are you trying to make me go crazy? Do you want to destroy me?" His hot heavy hands are everywhere grabbing all over me. He squeezes my face, my throat, and my arms. Jake looks down at me, teeth gnashed and growling, "Why were you with him!"
I scream into his lips, "I —Edward— told me you need to stop a ship from reaching the docks. Your brother is trying to steal from the Voltaire cargo. He said this could hurt your chance of becoming Alpha. Jake, please. I would never hurt you. I would never betray you!"
Our roaring voices gnaw at the kitchen walls and make the floor shake as my struggle to break his hold sends us to the ground. I'm flat on my back with Jacob still holding on, his knees on either side of my hips.
"Did you think I would just watch you pull that stunt today? Did you think you could just show up in front of me? You have no idea how much I've been protecting you. How many times are you going to cut my throat? I'm done fighting the spirits that consume me. I'm done waiting for you to show me what's inside of you."
Like a rat on a glue trap, I'm hopeless. Pulling away from his touch would feel like ripping my own skin off. I still struggle against his hands. I fight back against the guilt.
His hands rove the contours of my body, setting me on fire. His lips are smashed against mine. His erratic fingertips reach for the skin of my breast, my waist, my jumping clit.
"Jake, stop! You're ripping my clothes." He's not giving me time to process what's happening.
His muscles flex and contract with every shred of fabric that goes flying. He's letting the monster have me.
It's shameful how wet I am. I let his demons crawl into my panties. I shiver into my naked form beneath him.
"You said you missed me, right?" His breathless voice floods my center. "You said you wanted to see me." His erection formed a tent in his jeans.
I watch him pull his layers off, opening my legs wider at the sound of his belt buckle.
"I did everything in my power to stay away from you. I tried to keep the monster— the animal away. Why did you come looking for me?" His hands roughly wrap my legs around his torso.
"Because I wanted you. I wanted you to pull me through."
Jake's head tilts to the side, eyes commanding before his words. "Then reveal your spirit. Show me everything. Show me you're not afraid."
My lips tremble at the request. I fight his advances one more time before I give in and let the desperation pour out through my tears and hoarse throat. "I'll give you everything I have if you just promise to come back to me." I reach past his arms and let my fingertips brush over his pecs. "You told me to take what I want so I came to take you back."
Don't suppress our connection. It starves me into depression. I rub my throbbing center along his hot shaft. My clit is aching to be touched.
My tongue takes over spewing my deepest thoughts, "I'll show you how weak I am. I'll show you how hard it is to be anything other than tattered and unclean. I'll show you how hopeless I am. I'm not nice or sweet like you think I am. I do bad things.
Mike hit me and I got so angry because you weren't there. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to humiliate him. I told Edward to kill him. I- helped- beat- him. I hit him so hard, I almost broke my hand. I watched Edward bring Mike to his knees, and I liked it. I'll tell you how much I liked it. I'll let you see everything."
Just don't leave me. I'll break.
He gently wipes at my never-ending tears but my sobbing won't stop.
"I'll tell you how much of a false haven I am. I like all the things that you try to extract from yourself. I like it when your eyes turn dark. I like it when you let the darkness crawl inside of my being. I like it when you lose control, releasing your aura, and fucking me until you come inside of me. I like it when you let your heat touch me.
I'm scared that I can't save you from the darkness that I crave. I was afraid to tell you that I can't save you the way you want me to. I don't know how. I promise I'll try. I promise to listen and answer truthfully. I'll promise to tell you how special you are every day.
Just don't hurt me anymore. Don't drive that blade through my chest. I can't take it. Don't leave me here." My hysterical cry has left me in hiccups. There is no mercy in sight.
"Good. Now you know how it feels. Every time you utter his name. Every time I hear you've been with him. Now you know what it feels like. Don't leave me for him. I won't let you. It would kill the last shred of humanity left. And then I would have to kill him. I would drive a pool cue through his chest right in front of you. I would serve you his eyes and heart in a wooden bowl. You are meant for me. You are bound to me. I chose you. My spirit chose you."
His tongue is everywhere as his hands play with my thighs and kneecaps. He firmly rubs his tip at my wet entrance. "Right or wrong, only you can save me." He slowly enters me and it's like he's tapped into my source.
I watch him get sucked in. His first thrust feels determined and purposeful. I reach down and feel the connection as he firmly sheaths himself.
His muscles shutter when he asks, "Tell me what you feel?" My insides only grip him tighter.
I'm so high-strung that I just let the words come out, "I feel full. I feel warm. I feel sacred pleasure. I feel your rage. I feel your clarity."
He leans down until our foreheads touch and my hips get weak. Jake breathes into my lips, soughing, "I don't care how you do it, just save me. I could never leave you behind. You're the only one that matters."
I call his name as he hits my spot again and again. My labored breathing and clamoring heart feel like my chest is on fire.
I open my chest to the fire and this time it burns. This time it cleanses me. I've opened the portal to all that I feel. It's overwhelming and satisfying.
His movement is fluid and infinite. I swear his form is slithering. It's almost supernatural. This is different. We feel different.
I grab his face and murmur into his ear, "I love you, Jake."
He looks at me in shock before his weight shifts. "I can't hear you. Say it again." He brings my knees higher and bites the arm that blocks his view. "Hmmm?"
I screech as he settles deeper. He's burrowing into me.
"What did you say?" This time he watches my tongue and teeth form the words.
I say it slowly and with clinched conviction, "I love you, Jacob."
And the intensity crashes down inside. I can't keep quiet any longer, my tongue is flat and my soundbox has opened. Guttural wails grow from my engaged core to my dry throat. It spurs him on in a rough vigor.
Our souls intermingle in another realm. Our moans increase in volume and synchronicity until it's too much to hold on to. His hot seed feeds my womb once again.
We are no longer in detriment.
"Say it again," He speaks into my ear.
"I love you." It feels unfamiliar and slightly thrilling every time I say it.
"Again." His hands wrap around my waist and pull us to our sides.
"Not until you say it back."
"I love you completely." He makes it sound like a fixed expression, sweet, but low.
Ok… what do you guys think of Jacob's return? I'm very interested in how this was received. You know how I write and rewrite…. Anyway, as always, I hope it was worth the wait. Thank you for reading! I'll try to update sooner…Thank you for holding on! Happy Holidays!