Chapter 24: Lots of Stale Bread
I don't think anybody can tell yet. It just looks like I've gained a little weight. My stomach looks bloated, my hips are rounder, and my face is slightly fuller.
I like walking around naked now. Jake keeps me warm and covered with his hands. His eyes stay unguarded and I want to keep it that way. His lips call for me, and his hands pull at my soul from within my flesh. I need him. I crave the taste of him.
He sits at the edge of my bed and wraps his arms around my waist, his lips perch gentle kisses to my belly. He's filled me with his biggest victory and it's growing.
He whispers into my tender breast as I stand between his legs, "What are you eating?"
"Stale bread." The corners of my mouth are going raw from smiling around the rough crust.
"Don't eat that. I'll buy you frybread." He pulls on my wrist in mock disapproval.
"But I'm hungry now." And these are slow days with a sensitive stomach.
"Hmmm." His hands massage my skin, one of them squeezed my butt.
"I woke up so hungry I thought I was gonna die." My eyes grow big with feigned urgency.
"Yesterday you said if I didn't get here before ten o'clock, you were gonna die."
"It's true." He's come home to me every night since our doctor's appointment.
His smile grows wide and reckless. "You're so beautiful." His hand tucks wild strays behind my ear. "You make me feel special when you look me in the eyes like that."
"You are special. You're the one." I tug on his hair, playing with his heat. I make sure to say it with everything I have.
He sticks his tongue in my navel and swirls around in slow, wet circles.
A moan breaks past before I take another vicious bite into the bread. This is our dreamland.
He watches my jaw work overtime. His dark focus fans over my blushing chest. I can feel the need to feast scratching for the surface. It's sinful to stare that long. The way hunger comes naturally for him is admirable.
"It's not polite to stare." I start to sweat from his fixation.
The light from my window catches the bridge of his nose. His eyes stay cast in the shadows along with his hair. He drags his teeth along my nipple, so close to my spot. Just a little higher and he'll reach that sensitive place on my neck.
My knees tremble at the temptation. All he has to do is take that bite and we'll forget about the gun on the nightstand. We can pretend I don't hear the ruthless calls in the early mornings. For just a moment, we can be Jake and Bella who decided to make a baby.
I know you want to. I know you can. Go ahead, I won't tell. Take a bite. Pick me up and sit me on top. Flip me over, grab my hips, anything. I don't ever want you to forget about me.
"You want some?" I offer him a piece, the last bit of my forbidden fruit. It'll wake you up and take you in. Your vision will be so clear, you'll be saved from any iniquity. I will be completely devoured. You'll be able to see past my modesty.
I extend the bread to his lips. The rough edge hovers a millimeter away.
He shakes his head. Then his words blow crumbs like dust falling through the air, "You love me?" It sounds more like 'Do you trust me?'
"Yes." I kiss up and down his neck, nipping his sweet skin.
"I love you and I will never let anyone hurt you or disrespect you and our baby. You know that, right?"
"Yes." I kiss his serious pout softly.
"We're going to be a family." His hands shake as they tighten their hold behind my back.
"Yes, always." I rub my cheek against his and revel in his deep throaty groan.
We lock eyes and feed the connection.
"Will you be my wife?"
The smoke gets caught in the pipes. I'm stuck staring at his lips because mine refuses to move. As if the house is made of paper and the walls made of brick, the air goes still.
This is what I get for eating too much. My belly is full from cramming everything he offered. He opened his chest and let me eat his kidney and lungs, his liver, and spleen. I foolishly ate everything in sight.
He's waiting for my answer, to see if I'll leave him hollow. "Will you marry me?" He asks again, softer like he's trying to break my heart.
I never thought he would ask me. I never thought anyone would ask me. I didn't think anyone would ever look at me that way. And I never thought about what it would do to me to say no to him.
I should explain why I have to say no. I have to tell him that marriage changes things. My parents let marriage spoil their love. I should tell him I want to say yes because I love him and I'm weak. And I've got that feeling he'll be the only man to ever ask me.
It's disgusting to think about all the reasons I can't say yes immediately. It hurts to think about how his words make me happy.
"Um, yeah." I couldn't make my tongue say no. I can't break us. I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him, 'not me'.
"Yeah?" He whispers into my chin.
"Yes." I lightly bite his nose. My arms wrapped around his neck. You're mine. I'll be stupid for you.
His fingers weave themselves close to my scalp and we're plugged in. I've been defeated and topped off at once. I can't fight him. I wave my flag.
Our energy feels malleable. In light or darkness, we can never break. He wants me to belong to him.
Like the second to last nail in the coffin, my surrender isn't enough. He comes after me for more, "You're moving in this week." He holds my ribs in his hands.
"I don't know." There isn't enough caution for fear to go around. "That feels really sudden." My back arches for separation but he refuses permission.
"What's stopping you now? What could keep you from running to me?" His eyes follow my wandering gaze. He spreads the fingers of both hands over the span of my stomach.
"Give me some time to— I dunno, graduate and get my head right. Why are you pushing this so soon?" I sink my teeth into the end of the bread and rip the last bit to shreds.
"Do I really need an explanation? You're pregnant. I need you safe, with me. You and the baby should be home." Just like a broken record.
"I'm with you now. I'm safe here." This is the only home I know.
"The elders won't see it that way. A sign of hesitancy, I'm disobeying orders. They think I'm hiding you."
"This is about telling your family that I'm pregnant?" My fingers play with the residual crumbs that were trapped under my nails. "I mean— I really don't have anybody to tell, but I know family means a lot to you." So go easy on me.
I'm swimming in black waters, floating on the tide. I'm scared to take a breath. I can feel my center. The contrast makes me choke in anxiousness. My dad won't give a shit, but a room full of men that decide Jacob's fate…The feel of a single grain between my fingers is oddly reminiscent of how small I made myself. I've turned myself into a crumb and he's holding me like a boulder.
"It's your family now too." He lets out a deep breath and hugs me closer to his chest, "I've already told my father. He's happy, for the most part, glad he'll have grandchildren before stepping down completely. But there's more than that. We have to tell the rest of the elders. It's tradition. I'm starting to make my father look bad. I look like a bad father."
I recoil from his words. I was right, "See, I have to prepare to be judged. I'm not prepared to be picked apart. The baby isn't even here yet. How could you be a bad father? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I vomit right at their feet?"
"No, you're mine. They have to respect you. You are a part of me. Men speak for their families. I'll do all the talking. Judgment falls on me. Don't worry about saying anything." His words are rushed and forceful.
"How could I not worry if they say you're not a good dad!"
"Don't think about judgment or any consequences. This is our baby. I want to call you my wife under Quileute law. Tell me exactly what's bothering you because I need to know what you want our life to look like. Tell me and I'll make it work."
"If it were up to you, what would you want?" I bite down on my bottom lip.
He rolls his eyes in exasperation. "If it were up to me you'd already be moved in. You would eat better food." Then his voice goes light and airy like he's been dreaming. "You could spend time with the other moms picking baby names, accepting gifts from the other houses. We take care of each other because no one believes they are perfect. We don't have to do this alone. You don't have to hide."
"This could all be so easy, huh?"
"That's the easy part." But then he looks down at the floor and I know reality is coming. "Those are the parts I want you to experience, but there are rules that I'm bound to and because you're my chosen and we're having a baby those rules will fall on both of you too."
"I take it these rules are unfair." My teeth graze my thumb trying to grasp every last crumb. I'm trying to ignore weakness, lack, and pain.
"They're not unfair or illogical to us because of how we were raised. I know it won't make sense to you right now. I know it will feel wrong, controlling."
"Just tell me." It can't be any worse than my stale bread. If you chew at it long enough it's not so hard to eat. Rules won't make my jaw crack and protest in exhaustion.
"You know any child of mine will be born into the first bloodline. It doesn't stop there if I want to be Alpha. If it's a boy, you need to understand, you'll be giving birth to my curse—"
"Our baby is not a curse!"
"I didn't mean—" He flinches at my anger.
"Our baby is not cursed. It's not a curse when you love them so much that you give them a family and work hard to protect them." I hit his chest with weak fists but he refuses to let go.
"Bella, calm down." His voice gets tight like he's swallowing the weather.
It's like I'm hyperventilating in the middle of a storm. Our baby hasn't even taken his first breath yet. How could he say that to me? I promised to try. I won't let it happen."That's not true!"
"Being the Alpha's child—"
"He'll be loved with the birthright of a leader. A birthright to be as powerful and revered and loved as you, their dad." I've decided our baby is a gift. Boy or girl, it's my angel that is given a birthright of belonging. We can give them something I've never had. "He will belong."
My outburst overflows in tears of anguish. I can't admit defeat. Not now, not ever, I can't give in. My baby is not cursed.
His hands hold my quivering form in place. When his lips part, they console with firm authority. "If it's a boy, my son will have no choice but to serve the tribe. It's the curse of the Wolves, but we can protect him with the choices that we make together. He won't be a curse but he would have to live with mine. It's passed down every generation. I would be cursing him. He will become me if I am Alpha."
"What will it take for you to be who you're meant to be? You are not cursed. Don't ever say anything like that again. I love everything you are and everything you will become. What will it take for you to promise to never give up?"
"Declare in front of the council that you'll stay with me forever, that you'll never leave me. That you have so much trust in me that you gave me a child. Stay with me forever, be my wife and I promise to never fail you."
"Then don't say things that will defeat us!"
"No. I'm saying it because whether it's now or ten years from now, you'll always be my woman. Once we go before the council and announce you're pregnant, the baby will be recognized by the tribe. You'll be seen as my wife. If I accept my place as Alpha, you'll be the Alphas wife. And because of that, I have to make things clear.
I have to remain here and so do the descendants of my bloodline. You won't be able to leave. That's what it means to love me as Alpha. This is for life. If you ever decide you want to leave and break the bond, you will have to leave alone. You will be forced to release parental rights."
"They can't just—"
"It won't be up to you or me. Our child, the next Alpha, would belong to the first family and be raised by its descendants. We live by customs, sacred rites, and ancestral order."
"How could—"
"If it's too much for you to agree to, I will withdraw my bid for Alpha. You will belong to the first family but you won't be the Alpha's wife. You'll be my wife for as long as you can bear to hold on. You can leave freely with the baby. Our child won't be required to take responsibility unless Sam and Emily don't have a son of their own."
Be my mother or become someone I never knew I wanted to be, a real woman. He's asking me to never leave and help him fight, become his lifeline. I don't think I've ever met such a woman.
His forehead meets my chest in exhaustion. "I won't let them force you into submission. I won't take our child from you. I know what it's like to grow up without a mother. I would never do that to you or our baby."
But I know what it's like to grow up abandoned and left behind. It's devastating. You grow cold.
Imagine never having to ask for help, just receiving it. They will care about my son, watch over him, and care about what happens to him. A strong hand to always hold on and pull you out of the pit. One could search the entire world for their whole lives in search of this stability and love.
"I will never quit on you. I will never leave you. I could never take our child away. No, I'm not leaving you, us. You are Alpha. Our baby deserves a family. I'll be whoever you need me to be." I refuse to mold my child into what I've been running from.
I want to become a woman Jake will never resent but will my knees buckle under the pressure? Will my spine snap from the unnatural twisting and overuse?
"That's not what I want. I want you to be Bella. One day you may decide that you just can't take it anymore. I told you, I'll always give you a way out. You and the baby are not some living sacrifices. I don't want you to lose yourself. The moment I see the pain in my wife and child's face, I'll know to let go." His words relinquish control but his arms pull me impossibly closer to his heart.
I'll crawl on my knees and use my nails if I have to. I'll lay in the mud and form a bridge if I have nothing left in me.
"Jake, this is forever. I told you I'd save you. Our bond isn't so weak that I'd leave you behind. You told me to never doubt you, and I never will. I'll hold on forever. It's the only thing I know how to do. I'd never leave without you." I grab his face in both of my hands and kiss his lips softly. My fingers play with his ears for comfort.
"Once we tell the elders, there's no turning back."
"I trust you. I'll tell the whole world. I won't hold you back from being Alpha. But give me time to move in. I need time to adjust."
"Bella—"
"Just stay here with me until I graduate. I'll move in after graduation, promise." I extend my pinky finger out for resolve.
He tightly closes his eyes before kissing my finger.
The action makes me think of the first time he extended his pinky to me. His promises have never been broken and so I can close my eyes with comfort. We feel the quiet and reminisce.
That night I dreamt of a black-winged boy that came down from the light in the sky. He held his hand out to me. I stared at our joined hands and waited for his feet to touch the ground.
There was no need to speak beyond the copper wire. It was just the two of us, holding on. From the way he looked at me, we knew each other very well. His kindness held me in a haze.
I didn't completely wake up until the sun came out to watch my ankles fold in the front yard of Jake's home.
I bite my lip and wait for the stunning tingle to subside. My hold on the car door was barely enough to keep me upright.
Jake rushes to the other side of the truck. He holds the sides of my face so gently. "Slow down. I told you to stop stressing." He smooths my forehead with his thumbs. There's a brief pause before he asks, "Are you having second thoughts?"
I let my hands explore his jaw, my fingertips grazing his teeth. The stomach-lurching makes me spill one of my secrets, whispering, "I may not know how to be somebody's mom or your wife, but then I think about how much you're nothing like my dad, and I get all warm inside. I do not doubt that you meant every word. I could never hurt this baby, Jake. I could never leave you. I want this so much it scares me."
He pecks tender kisses on my lips over and over. His palms caress my sides until they come to rest on my midriff.
"I need more," I happily plead.
Jake's rumbling laughter scorches my soul as he peppers my entire face.
"More," I demand.
He kisses me deeply. The surge of confidence reaches his eyes and I know everything will be alright. His arms wrap around my shoulders and awaken my soft spirit.
I relax into his strong chest and fall even deeper in love. I feel beautiful. I feel wanted. I can never let him go.
"I've got you. I love you," He breathes into my lips. His hands massage my lower back and ease the stress.
My hands run along his arms and rest my weight on his form until we're loosely swaying with the cool breeze. I look up into his eyes and hold on until my fingers ache. "I love you. I'm in love with you," I vow. I'm here to rescue you.
"Welcome home you two," Sue beckons from the porch.
Jake secures my waist and leads me inside. This time the entrance is completely quiet and warmly lit with candles. The incense is burning on stone dishes along the foyer. It's tranquility's trap once the breeze is shut behind the closed door.
"How have you been, Bella?" Sue smiles warmly.
"F-fine," I stumble. The nervous energy creeps until Jake's hands come to rest on my belly again.
Her eyes settle on his soothing hands in relief. "How's the baby? How do you feel?"
"Good, healthy. Yeah, good so far. We had our first ultrasound last week. We got to hear the heartbeat. I brought the sonogram pictures."
"Spirits willing. The ladies are going to be so happy. Jake; Embry and Quil are waiting for you in the sunroom." Sue takes my hands and gently rubs them together for warmth. "Come, we've got a lot to do before they can see you."
Jake kisses me on the cheek before he walks in the opposite direction.
"Let's get you ready for ceremony." She leads me down the long hall to the very last room.
This was a long chapter. I didn't realize I'd have to split it in two (hope the stop wasn't abrupt...).The next chapter will be here soon. Thanks for reading and I hope I didn't bore you with this update. Side note: do you guys want me to respond to your comments?