Chapter 29: Good Intentions
One of the servers clears his throat and places my keys on the table. I lunge for them, disturbing the dishes. I think I'm at the edge of my sanity when I reach for the fork that's hanging halfway off the edge.
"In a rush back to him, huh." It's bitter the way he says it. He briefly closes his eyes, his head swaying from the meds.
This is defeat. There's a roughness in the air around us. I was supposed to fix this. The kiss was supposed to help. The meaning of our whole exchange today has shifted towards something grim.
It was all innocent enough in the beginning. I helped him when he was stranded on the road. I brought him to his aid. I bared his weight. I fed his weak body. I asked for Jake and the tribe to be pardoned on account of my only favor. And then it was ruined.
I kissed him. He kissed me. I felt splinters catch my skin the moment our lips touched. There were no fireworks but he still looked at me with triumph and desire. I didn't intend for him to enjoy it. I thought it would satiate the hunger and end the chase.
He still wanted more and each bite was calling out for something grisly in me. His darkness is menacing and each swipe of his tongue was hoping to provoke a wild experience in this lucid exchange. I did my best to remain myself but all of it makes me inherently heartless and rotten. It soils my good intentions.
And he dares to tell me to "Stay."
But "No, a deal is a deal. Keep your promise. I gave you what you wanted." I can only justify the means to the perfect end, not failure. I can't afford to fail.
"Just stay a little longer, please," He whispers, reaching for my hand, forcing his fingers between mine.
No. "I have to go." I need to get back to Jake and beg for a second chance when he realizes how worthless I am and what a sham of a loving, supportive wife I've become.
His words ridicule and throw salt on the blame. Edward accuses me of the worst, "You pulled me in. You kissed me back. When we touched, I could feel the tension. I know you liked the way I held you. Your nails started to dig into me. Goading and teasing just to torture me with that cold and detached stare. Take responsibility." His grip is quick and jarring. All of his strength, insistently pulling, drags me down to his lap. "I know you felt it."
"You're not gonna let this go are you?"
I've put myself in an alligator death roll. I'm locked in his tight grip bracing myself for his attack. He's got a real good grasp for him to cling to and jerk me around with.
You plan to hold this over my head, to exploit my desperation. You planned to hurt me from the beginning.
"No." His lips ghosted over my neck. "Not now. Not when I know it's real." One of his tremoring hands slowly rides up my thigh.
"Well, I hope you enjoy disappointment," my lips brush over the shell of his ear. I pry at his clutch on my inner thigh and watch the seams of my jeans protest.
"Doesn't this feel like fate? Can't I help you remember the chill from the first time we met?"
Even though I'm not half naked, the Deja Vu leaves me stranded in waves of nausea and guilt. This time is different. Jake isn't here to make him listen. He's not holding my hand, anchoring me to his confidence and determination.
"What part of that kiss was real?" I ask him frankly. What part of that kiss was for you? I did it for my husband. I want to be useful to him. I want him to need me as much as I need him.
Edward reaches higher this time toward the hem of my shirt and I panic. I stop him with an iron grip that starts a tug of war.
"Don't touch," I warn him between clenched teeth. Don't touch my son. Don't you dare touch what belongs to Jake.
"You're still nervous with me," Forcing his drunk eyes to focus on my facial expressions.
I can't afford to play this game. I'm out of my depth with Edward. I'm not swift enough. Whether he's high on pain meds or not, if I play, I'll lose.
I squeeze his fingers so hard, that the joints in my hand could stand to break. The pain from the veins along my knuckles makes my heart sprint. My tonsils feel like they're swelling with every inhale.
Sudden relief washes over his face. "Oh, I get it. Now I understand! You can't feel anything without touch. Love, intimacy, pleasure, even pain, and sadness are all the same to you. You have to feel them physically for you to share the depth and realness."
"You think you know every fucking thing." I yank my hand but he's decided to hold on for dear life. "You think you know what everybody's thinking, what everyone's problem is, and what everybody wants. You think you can understand me, a throw-away? You will never understand. You're just a rich know-it-all. A sensitive beast who thinks he's smarter than everyone else. You couldn't possibly know what will hurt the most. You wouldn't be able to comprehend what will complete me."
"I know what's best for you. I can give you what you're missing. You feel absolutely dead without touch. You feel like half of a person when you're alone. Does he know that? Have you told him?" A sobering observation from slackened lips makes me cringe from this roll in the mud. "How's that working out for you? It's a sickness, really. I was wrong. The emptiness, it's what scares you, to have no one, no feeling, is your greatest fear."
His arrogance makes me see red. My insides are on fire. It's a grimace that takes over my face. His grin leaves me speechless.
"I know what you need to feel. I promise that no one will come before you. I can give you a promise of forever. We can do and feel everything together." His rushed proposal matches his forlorn eyes.
It makes me angry.
I reach into his side and lay pressure on his wounds. He can pretend to know what it's like but I can make him feel it. "Is this what you want? To feel the other half of me? For me to touch you? I can dig inside," I burrow my fingers deeper into the bandage over his largest wound. I could do it, "Reach in and pull out my last bit of sanity. Would that satisfy you? We can keep going until you're absolutely empty."
"Ag!" He grunts in pain. "Beautiful and cruel, the bitter parts that release my pent-up lust and vile obsession. Take it any way you want." His arms rest around my waist leaving his torso open to my assault.
He looks up at the iv and marvels at the drip. "The meds are starting to kick in. Take all the bandages off. Wouldn't that make you love me?"
I can feel the sharp inhale behind his ribs as I pull downward.
He hisses in pain, "Open me up and ride me slowly. I can make everyone leave and we can do it right here. The loneliness will go away. The blood, all the blood that you can wring from what's left of my soul, you can have it. My blood it— it's for you."
I watch his Adam's apple bob when he swallows thickly around his uncensored tongue. His proposition makes my face recede in disgust.
What have I done? What space have I created for him? I snatch my hand away and watch his blood soak the bandage.
"Can't I have what I want? You don't have to give in right now. We can slow down. We can make it a sport. I've had a taste and I won't let you take it back," He laments into my chest.
The red spreads quickly on the white gauze. "No, keep your word!" I've made a deal with the wicked. How can I expect him to be fair?
I have to stop this now. "I love Jacob," I profess with finality. I slip out of his arms but he catches me again and I'm met with his hardened features. I twist away within his grasp.
"Look at me." His grip tightens on my forearm. "I said look at me, Bella!" His breathless voice rose above my withdrawal.
"What!" I screech to the universe.
As if he's asking for understanding and forgiveness in my protesting eyes, he leans into my skin. His clammy cheek sticks to my palm as he leans forward in exhaustion. "I'm the perfect one, not him," he cries.
Pins and needles are crawling along my skin. I silently wrench myself free. My ears close around themselves and my blocked peripheral refuses to open until I'm locked in the cab of my truck.
The smell of bleach and fabric softener almost makes me vomit on the gear shift. My hand viciously rolls down the window trying to get rid of the only evidence Edward was here.
My fingers curl around the rearview mirror and I catch a glimpse of my appearance. It screams bloody murder back to me. Smudges from his bloody hands litter the sides of my face leaving the center gray and swollen.
I nearly rub my skin raw trying to get rid of the blood. The residue stains my cheeks in the shape of mangled whiskers. And the only thing that keeps my hands steady is the rumble of the engine and its vibrations sent through the steering wheel.
I make it home in some sort of catatonic trance. My brain locked me on autopilot until I unlatched the locks on my front door. I don't dare breathe a sound until my clothes are in the washing machine and I'm seated in the tub.
I sit with my legs crossed and the shower runs through my hair. The hot water washes the blood and oil away. The force sends tingles through my scalp and shoulders, beating me clean. I don't move until the water feels like ice.
I'm left under the cold silent air of my empty bedroom. Hair dripping down my back, eating through my tattered t-shirt, and a false sense of security.
Home doesn't feel like home. It didn't seem so quiet before. It wasn't this dark before. It was never this still. I put some of Jake's clothes on but it's not enough. This isn't a good hiding place. It's too scary.
I don't even bother to dry my hair before I run back to the truck and drive to his home. I hit the gas with a lead foot. I need him to break my fall.
But his car isn't here. I would think that nobody was home if the porch light wasn't on. I would've gladly waited outside but I can't outrun the moon.
Jake's not home but the door is open and his dad is here to greet me. Like a perfect alibi, my backpack strap drops from my shoulder.
"Hello, Bella." The wrinkles around his eyes slowly rise with his pleasant smile.
"Hi, Billy." I work to mirror his expression.
"I could hear you coming from up the road. Jake's not home yet."
"Ok."
"Is everything ok?" The gray hairs on his brows sticking up in question.
I nod my head. My wan smile must've given me away. It was too careful.
"Are you hungry?" He asks, hand gesturing towards the kitchen. "Some of the guys went hunting and brought a couple of deer back. Sue came over and made a good ol' venison roast. She also brought a jar of her pumpkin butter. She said you might enjoy it."
The thought of any more food makes my head shake with fury. "That sounds good but maybe tomorrow."
"Sure, sure." Billy nods his head slowly. "You and Jake are young so I know things are difficult right now," He hedges. "This is all new for you, so I want you to know you're my daughter and you're carrying my precious grandson. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you and Jake. Don't be afraid to tell me if something is going on." He takes a deep breath with a look of concern.
"Thanks, Billy."
"Please, I'm here to help you. I'm your dad now too. You look tired. Sue put fresh linen in you n' Jacob's room. Get some rest." His seasoned eyes grow weary as I retreat down the hall to Jake's room.
I close the door behind me and focus on stripping down to my underwear and crawling into his bed. His smell surrounds me and my anxiety recedes.
And I don't remember dozing off or curling into his warmth, but I woke up to Jake laying next to me, staring into my eyes.
I have a feeling it's morning even though it's still dark. The dreary weather makes the room damp like we're bathing in mist. Our skin feels oddly hydrated. He's so warm and smooth. I hug him tighter with my legs.
I was supposed to wait for him to come home. I meant to tell him what happened last night. I needed to tell him the truth before I let time make things sound worse than they were.
But his gaze is happy and content. We're just laying here rubbing our skin together. Our flesh fits.
The orbs of the richest depth soothe me. We breathe together. In through the nose and out through the mouth, expanding and contracting. And I relish in the comfort of his earthy scent that feels like home. It's an unguarded vibe that I'd be destroying If I don't find the right words.
I'm becoming the villain today. I'll be stabbing his chest and ripping open the wounds. All the while wrapped in his arms waiting for him to burn me with his anger and resentment.
He roams my body, settling on the roundest part of my butt. His lips play with the sweet spot on my neck.
I rub along his chest until the heat starts to blister. I nervously play with his tattoos until the skin puckers around his nipple. All the ink-drawn eyes send a thrill through my skin. The red lines tempt me.
I kiss the wolf's eyes and nose, its sharp teeth and claws. I trace the symbols with my tongue swirling around his nipple, all the way to his sternum.
It's as if they're talking to me. Telling me the story of how this will always be where I land. These are the only arms on earth that will possess me. This is the only man allowed to rest inside of me.
Jake won't look away. He won't stop calling me with the shape of his eyes. My soul keeps jerking and taunting. The tightness threatens to strangle me.
"Are you gonna watch me drown?"
"I'm drowning with you," The fervor on his whispering lips is tantalizing. They finally touch mine, soft at first. He latches on before we take our last breath.
Every touch makes me feel closer to being covered in lava. I pull him in, clutching his hair and skin. I need more, deeper. I chase his tongue with my own.
I want to die in these arms. To stop breathing right now would be something savory. I want him to squeeze my heart until it stops beating. This must be what love feels like.
There's something wrong with me.
I hitch my leg up around his hip. My center is searching for an unmistakable connection. I can't help the slow grinding that makes me twitch and grip from the inside out.
The fever starts to set in. It's taking hold of me. I want all of the clothes to be gone. I need him inside my slippery source with a frenzy in rapture.
Cleanse me, forgive me, love me, touch me, hold me. It's too late for you to connect with someone worthy. Even if you hate me, I'd only want you more.
"Help me," I gasp, yanking on his hair, my nails violently scratching his back. I tightly grip his muscles, sheets in fisted knots. My feet push his boxers down.
I lightly gnaw on his neck and drag my tongue along his face until I can bite down on his lip. We roll until he's on top of me and I moan in the pleasure of his weight.
He starts to pull away and I draw blood when I refuse to let go. I bite down, flicking my tongue against his flesh.
I want to touch the beast. I want the beast to love me back.
His eyes snap to mine in shock. And then his head tilts and the axis shifts to our plane. It's us but wild with depravity in my depths.
He's inside the place where my sanity dwells. The taste of him permeates my taste buds. We're submerged within my subconscious but his atmosphere surrounds me.
"What'd you go and do that for, huh?" His voice is low and hard.
"Sorry, sorry I — was rough. I didn't mean to."
"Yes, you did."
I must've made him fall into my well. He can see through me. Good, apologetic Bella is a lie. He has already cut through the layers of my rehearsed humanity. His darkness threatens to reach in and yank everything out.
He licks the bite and shakes his head. His mouth converges on mine painfully, ripping my tank open for goosebumps to prick my chest. His heavy breathing makes me throb, the wetness soaking his fingers through the cotton when he roughly tears my panties away.
"You know exactly what you're doing." The surety of his words unleashes the other half of him.
He's careful with me but not gentle. His energy flexes around my vice grip on the roots of his hair. The strength puts me in check as my force rebounds and my toes spread. He enters me in one stroke.
I clench around him tightly, already pulsing. "It feels so good," as he invades my nature. The way he swims in my waters makes the waves crash against my deepest cavern. The currents are so strong I feel my whole body peaking.
Slow powerful strokes that hit every nerve make me flood in high tides. I wail in pleasure as I overflow.
"I could drown in your pussy forever." His voice is coarse and strained as he finds his way home.
His aura is brutal. He pinches my sensitive nipple between two fingers, pulsing with his strokes. I twitch and squirm around his cock, delirious from the way he drives his shaft in and up.
He knocks the wind out of me when he locks my arms in place. I ride the throbbing climb until he slows down again to watch me painfully grip and pulse around him. Holding my collar bone between his teeth, his thorough thrusts bring me to the edge and then pull back.
"I just want you to cream for me, all over me." He leans back to watch himself slowly enter and retreat. His fingers find my clit. They open my dam for everything to pour out. His passion hits the place beyond my reach. The veins in his arms lift under his skin.
Vitality rushes through him and I wait for it to flow through me. The sweat from his chest christens my skin when my back arches off of the bed.
I think I've found myself.
"Don't you want this to last forever? That moment right before you suck me in." He holds my lower back above the bed. My chest is open to the sky.
"Ahh," I cry when he holds me at a tighter tilt, hips grinding in an anchoring rhythm matched with my blood flow.
"That's right, baby. Be sweet to me." The angle lets him glide in the flood of my wetness. "It's heaven on earth."
I can see now. "I want all of you. You're what I'm after."
He watches my stomach tense and contracts with his smooth movements. "All I want is you and what we make together." Forcing my legs higher, driving to the hilt, he consumes my spirit.
"I'm not gonna last." I watch his lips move above me. His open mouth drives me insane with the sound of his hitching breath.
My being makes him weak and breathless. I drive him wild with my physical and aural forms. I can feed him the way he feeds me.
I pull him closer to me."I love you so much," I crest between thrusts. "I want you to keep going until you come inside me," leaving a kiss behind his ear.
His shoulders tense and his eyebrows bunch.
"I love you more," He grunts.
My insides start to quake and my hips collapse. I'm stuck in the moment, unable to control myself. We can't stop, not yet.
A sputtering groan falls from his lips before he bites down on my neck and releases inside of me. We crash, riding our last thrusts in ecstasy.
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down, "I love you the most," kissing his full lips over and over.
"Not possible."
"But it is. I'd do anything for you." So I hope you understand. I won't let you leave when the truth comes out.
"You won't have to. I'm yours, you've already got me. Nothing can change that. Nothing can undo us."
We lay back on the damp sheets, his arms wrapped tightly around me.
Somewhere between satiation and happiness the guilt comes flooding back.
"You ever feel like you thought you did the right thing, but you're just not sure, 'cause you feel like the person you care about the most will hate you in the end?" My body threatens to cave on itself, waiting on his answer.
"Hate is a strong word, Bells." He pulls me closer until I'm resting on his chest. "Tell me what's bothering you."
It's the betrayal when I say I talked to Edward, that I already made the deal. I won't tell him what I used as leverage, how I used our marriage as collateral. How I haven't told a soul that we're married.
"I don't want you to be disappointed in me." I tightly shut my shaking lips.
He looks up at me with a giant question mark.
My anxiety has risen to a new level. I've said too much. He won't let this go, not while he has me stripped naked. Dishonesty doesn't look good when you're completely bare.
"Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe this is too much. We don't have to do this. I don't have to be anything but your husband."
"What no! You've worked so hard." I've sacrificed so much. "You are the Alpha!" I did this for you!
"Shh, Bella."
"No, you have to be. So many people are depending on you. I believe in you."
"I will give it all up for you. I thought you understood me when I said none of it matters if I can't have you."
Now's not the time. I can't tell him that I kissed Edward. It won't come out right. It wouldn't make sense.
"Nobody can take this from you. You've done everything right." It's me, I've screwed up.
"So tell me, what's got you so scared, or do I have to find out for myself? Maybe if I hug you tighter or kiss you harder, you'll believe me and give in."
"I believe every word that you say to me. You've never lied, not once."
"But it's still not enough." He stares into my eyes, trying to penetrate my defenses.
I shut down.
He lets go of the subject. His hands rub sweet circles over my lower back. "Do you need to rest? I could go for a nap," He hedges.
"A nap?"
"Yeah."
"No, I'm tired of sleeping." I stand up with my back to him. My nerves are too wrecked for me to sit still.
"Well, let's go to La Push." I feel his lips graze the length of my spine before his hands wrap around my waist.
"It's a bit cold for the beach, Jake."
"We'll dress warm," he quips.
I haven't been uploading but I've been writing! Thank you for reading. Up next is the beach... Side note: does everybody pretty much dislike Bella?