A/N: Happy Sunday people! Today I've been dealing with my freezer because the seal went overnight and it's now propped shut with my bin, a 10kg weight and a 7kg weight, predominantly to preserve the HOURS of blackberry harvesting I've got in there. Privilege problems, right?! Anyway, I've got it to climb back up (down) to -9 degrees C (16 degrees F), so I feel like I accomplished something … Also, I wrote this. Trigger warning for graphic description of drug withdrawals.
Emma didn't know when she had fallen asleep, nor how much time had passed since she had when she was jolted back to consciousness, with Regina moaning and jerking against her embrace.
"What's happening?" she asked groggily as she opened her eyes to see Regina tossing her head back and forth. Immediately she could tell something was wrong and pushed herself up on her elbow, leaning over to peer into the face of the woman beside her. "Regina? Are you ok?"
"Get off me," Regina gasped, her legs kicking in Emma's direction as she turned, wide-eyed, towards the blonde.
Obeying at once, not wanting to overstep any boundary the younger woman may not be comfortable with, Emma shuffled backwards on the bed but continued to watch with concern. Regina's face was shining with sweat and the neck of her t-shirt appeared to be soaked through.
"Regina, what's wrong?" Emma asked, not daring to moving closer again although the professional nurse in her wanted to get a better look.
"Nothing," Regina panted, kicking the duvet off her and rolling onto her side. "I'm fine. Just hot."
The back of the t-shirt, Emma saw, was also darkened by sweat marks. And while London was still in the grip of a heatwave, the blonde knew this wasn't just about the heat outside. As she watched, Regina brought her fingers up to scratch at her left arm, the skin reddened and raw where her nails raked over and over again.
"Regina, how can I help?" Emma pressed. She knew what this was. She knew this was withdrawals. But she didn't know how to help. Although there had been some training related to dealing with patients who were on drugs while she was at nursing school, she had never learned what to do when someone's body was crying out for its fix. Google had told her the basics while Regina had slept earlier in the day. But she wanted the brunette to tell her what she needed if possible. Regina, however, merely groaned and turned her head into the pillow.
"Do you want a shower?" Emma suggested. "A cool shower, maybe? Or a bath. Or some food? There's loads of your birthday cake left but I can make you a sandwich or something savoury if you prefer. Or do you just want to take your mind off it? We can watch another film if you want or -"
The cry of anguish and discomfort which Regina emitted as she curled herself into a ball made Emma stop talking. She knew none of the things she was suggesting would be of any help to the brunette now. The entirety of the woman's slender frame was trembling now, beads of sweat forming and dripping down into the pillow as the withdrawal gripped her body.
"Regina, talk to me," Emma urged, slipping off the bed and coming around to crouch in front of the woman whose eyes were half closed, breath shallow and rapid. "What do you need? What can I do?"
There was a long moment of silence when the two women stared at each other. Emma didn't think Regina's gaze was fully focused but it was clear that she was trying to formulate some words. "I … I need … Emma … I need it."
"I know, sweetheart, but it's so bad for you. Do you think you can just hold on until tomorrow morning when we go to the hospital?"
Regina shook her head but then groaned and lurched towards the side of the bed, vomiting violently just besides where Emma was crouching. The nurse leapt to one side but quickly reached out to hold Regina's hair back, murmuring soothing words as the woman emptied her stomach onto the floor. When she was finished, she flopped back onto the pillow, tears streaming down her face.
"Oh, Regina, I'm so sorry. I know this is really hard but it will get better. You just have to ride it out, ok? Can you do that for me? I'll be here, I promise, for every moment of it."
"No, please!" Regina cried. "I can't. It hurts, Emma. Please." She reached out a trembling hand, grasping for Emma and pulling the woman towards her. "Please, I need it. It will make this all stop. It will make me better. Just a little bit, just a bit, I promise I'll stop after that."
"That's not how addiction works, Regina," the blonde reasoned. "It's never a little bit."
Regina practically wailed this time, her body convulsing as it shivered with the cold sweats which swept from head to toe. Emma felt helpless, unsure how to help or what to do to relieve Regina's discomfort. Well, that wasn't exactly true. She did know one thing which would stop it. But she didn't know if it was the right thing to do.
Pulling out her phone, Emma quickly dialled her best friend. "Rubes, where are you? Can you come home?"
"Why? What's wrong?" came her friend's familiar tone, the background noise telling her the tall brunette was somewhere busy.
"It's Regina, I need your help," Emma said just as Regina moaned out a protest and seemed to be signalling for Emma to hang up. She ignored her. Regina didn't know what was good for her right now. Emma wasn't too sure herself but Ruby might be able to help. "Where are you?"
"Just having a coffee with Ella in the park round the corner. It's packed but we found a spare patch of grass. What's happening?"
"You were right, ok? Regina was using but now she's going through withdrawals and I don't know what to do."
There was a rustling and a muffled conversation before Emma got a reply from Ruby. "I'm on my way. What's she on?"
"Heroin," Emma replied, glancing at Regina before getting up off the bed and heading towards the doorway. Once in the corridor, she lowered her voice to a whisper. "I caught her using this morning and took everything from her. I told her I flushed it but, well, I figured that until she's on methadone or a proper treatment plan, I should keep it just in case. But what do we do, Rubes? It seems mad to give her more but she's really in pain. She's all sweaty and she just threw up. What do we do?"
"I'll be home in five minutes. Stay with her, ok?" Ruby said before hanging up the phone.
Emma pocketed her phone and slipped back into the bedroom. Regina was curled up in a ball, sobbing into the pillow as she clawed at her arm once more. Taking a seat beside her, Emma pried her fingers away from the tormented flesh, soothing away her pleas for help. While it really was only five minutes before Emma heard Regina's key in the lock downstairs, it felt like much longer. She didn't think she'd ever been more relieved to see her friend in her life.
"How is she?" Ruby asked as she burst into the bedroom.
Words weren't really going to be more informative that the sight of the brunette trembling and crying. Ruby crossed to the far side of the bed, side-stepping the pile of vomit which still lay on the carpet.
"Regina, can you hear me?" Ruby asked, bending down and trying to determine whether the other brunette was lucid.
There was a moment of silence before Regina nodded, sniffing and trying to wipe her face. Evidently the appearance of the other woman had made a sliver of self-consciousness seep into her mind.
"It's ok, Emma told me. No one's judging you here, Regina. We're going to do what we can to help. Are you feeling sick still?" Once again there was a pause then a nod. "Ok, and are you feeling hot or cold?"
"I don't know," Regina whispered. "Both? My stomach hurts too."
Ruby sat on the edge of the bed and leaned towards Emma. "I think we need to give her some, just a bit. It'll stop all this and buy you some time. When's her appointment tomorrow?"
"9 am," Emma replied.
Glancing at her watch, Ruby nodded to herself. "That's close to eighteen hours away. Do you know when she last used?"
Emma shook her head, prompting Ruby to ask Regina when she had last injected herself.
"Last night," Regina replied after a moment's hesitation. "Please, Ruby, tell Emma I need it."
"I know, doll, I know. Hold on a moment for us, ok?"
"Can you get me some?" Regina pleaded, ignoring the previous comment. "Just a bit. I'll pay you back, I promise. Only a little bit. Just to make it stop. I just want it to stop, Ruby."
Ruby reached over to grasp Regina's hand. Emma's eyes prickled at her friend's gesture of understanding despite the fact that she barely knew Regina and had been a little apprehensive about the woman's sudden appearance in her home, for good reason.
"Ems, go and get it. Not much but we can give her enough to see her though to tonight and then a little more before bed to get her through to tomorrow morning. I know it sounds counterintuitive but her body needs this right now. Cold turkey is dangerous. And judging by the fact that you kept hold of whatever you found her with, I think you know this is the right thing to do."
Relieved perhaps that it was Ruby making this call not her, Emma got off the bed and hurried up to her room to gather the hidden stash from the top of her wardrobe. She looked, briefly, in disgust at the objects she was holding, hating them for what they had reduced Regina too. She felt a fresh flood of venom towards the man who had made her take heroin in the first place. And there was no doubt in her mind who was responsible for that. Determined to make sure Killian paid for what he had put Regina and who knows how many other women through, Emma headed back downstairs.
She found Regina curled up almost sitting in Ruby's lap. Her friend was running her fingers through sweaty strands of dark hair, murmuring soothing words in a low tone. Ruby looked up as Emma entered and beckoned her over.
"Have you done this before?" she asked as Emma opened the little bag of powder and dug the tip of the spoon into it.
"No, have you?" Emma replied, looking up in alarm.
"Of course not but I know how to do it. You need some water. Just a little bit. A dribble from that glass will be fine." She gestured to the half drunk glass of water on the bedside table.
Emma followed her friend's instructions, once again grateful to Ruby for dropping everything and rushing back to help. She didn't think she could do this alone. "Is that ok?" she asked, holding out the spoon where a bead of water now wobbled beside a little mound of powder.
"That's fine, now prep the syringe. Does she have a spare needle?"
Looking through the bits she had collected after Regina fell asleep, Emma shook her head. Luckily, living with three nurses had its perks and Ruby directed Emma to where her first aid kit was in the large bathroom down the hallway. Moments later, Emma was back, unwrapping a new syringe and needle and laying it on the bedside table next to the spoon.
"Ok, now you just need to combine the powder and water into a liquid over a flame. Do you want me to do it?"
Emma looked at Regina before answering. "No, I'll do it," she replied. She wasn't sure why but for some reason it felt important that she be the one to prepare the heroin. She had been the one to take it away from Regina and, fundamentally, she was responsible for the pain and torment the woman was now experiencing. And yes, Emma didn't want Regina to be taking drugs but she had to admit that the withdrawals had been more intense, dramatic and fast acting that she had anticipated.
Recovery was in Regina's future and Emma was going to help her every step of the way. But before they could start down that path, Emma had to get her to her first appointment and if she could do something to smooth that journey and take away some of the pain in the moment, she felt obligated to do just that.
"How long does it take?" Emma asked as she flicked the lighter and held the flame beneath the dome of the spoon.
"I don't know," Ruby replied. "I'm not actually a drug user, remember?"
"You know more than I do," Emma pointed out, eyes never leaving the chemical reaction taking place on the spoon before her.
"A six month placement in a rehabilitation unit is all I have on you," Ruby reminded her friend, turning back to Regina who was writhing in discomfort, groaning about a pain in her stomach.
"Well, I'm glad you're here," Emma said. "Seriously, Ruby, thank you."
The two friends settled into silence. Emma watched the powder transforming itself into a brown liquid while Ruby rubbed soothing circles against the small of Regina's back. Neither knew if Regina had really understood what they were doing beside her. She certainly hadn't expressed any acknowledgement that relief was imminent and instead was entirely consumed by her body's desperate need for another hit.
"I think it's ready," Emma said, a few minutes later. "Where should we inject it?"
"I'd guess we should go for her thigh?" Ruby shrugged. "It's where she chose herself and I don't want to do anything differently. Only give her about half of that to start with. A micro dose might be enough here. We don't want to give her too much either. The body's tolerance can drop quickly and we don't know how much she's been using."
Emma nodded and loaded up the syringe. The familiar action felt alien as the brown liquid disappeared from the spoon. She looked at it in disgust before getting off the bed and walking around so she could sit on the opposite side of Regina to Ruby.
"Hey, Regina, I know you're hurting but we're going to help you, ok?"
"Emma, please," Regina gasped, reaching out for Emma's wrist of the hand which wasn't holding the syringe.
"We're here," Emma reassured her. "We're not going anywhere. I'm going to give you just a little bit of what your body needs right now, ok? Just a bit to make you feel better."
Regina nodded vehemently, pulling herself closer to Emma, eyes wide in anticipation. Those big brown eyes, so expressive and deep, yet now surrounded by bloodshot, teary whites which made Regina look desperate and helpless. Emma didn't want to think of Regina that way. She didn't want to see Regina in such a state. Where had the beautiful, smiling woman gone from that morning? Was this transformation what heroin did? Was Regina never going to be able to function within her daily fix? Was giving her more right now a good idea?
"Emma, come on," Ruby said, her voice cutting through the spiralling thoughts.
Snapping herself out of it, Emma glanced at her best friend who gave her a reassuring nod before reaching out to hold Regina's hand, running a thumb over the clammy palm.
"Ok, Regina, let's do this," Emma said, just as much to herself as to the blonde. She reached forwards before hesitating. Regina might be suffering from withdrawals but she still had the right to be asked if she wanted to be touched. "Can I touch your leg to give you this?" she asked, turning to Regina and raising the syringe into the woman's line of vision.
"Yes," Regina sobbed, the desperation creeping up through every pore now. Her legs uncurled from the foetal position at Emma's words, opening up to offer Emma an expanse of smooth, tan thigh.
In any other situation, Emma could imagine a number of lewd comments Ruby might make. But now wasn't the time. Summoning her inner professionalism, Emma reached out and placed her hand on the woman's thigh, fingers skimming over damp, cool skin as she searched for a visible vein. Finding one, and trying to ignore the other injection sites which littered the olive skin, she lined up the needle.
"Stay still for me, Regina," she murmured as the needle pierced her body. Beneath her fingertips, she could feel the faintest tremble of the woman's muscle but other than that, there wasn't any sign of movement.
She pressed on the plunger, sliding it down just over halfway before glancing at Ruby who nodded. And then the needle was gone, withdrawn from Regina's body leaving just the faintest pinprick of blood ballooning in its wake.
"It's done, Regina," Ruby said, smiling down at the woman who was still lying stock still on the bed. There was no answer.
"How long until she'll feel it?" Emma asked.
"Moments," Ruby replied. "Heroin is fast acting. She's probably feeling better already."
Emma nodded and got up from the bed to clear away the remnants of what they had just done. She glanced at Ruby before leaving the room and received a nod of reassurance from her friend. She forced a smile back at her, mouthed thanks, and headed back upstairs to hide everything back on top of her wardrobe. Once it was all safely out of sight of Regina or anyone else who might walk into her bedroom, she paused. Taking a seat on the end of her own bed, Emma allowed herself to feel once more.
The tears came without warning and she crumpled forwards, sobbing into her hands as she hunched over, anguish flooding her veins in much the same way, she knew, as the heroin she had injected was coursing its way around Regina's body on the floor below. Had that really happened? Was Emma really the one who had done that? And was Regina's dependence of heroin truly as bad as it had appeared? And if so, what did the road ahead look like for Regina? For Emma too, because she had just proved to herself how far she would go for that woman downstairs. She didn't quite know why or understand it but something about the brunette had made her do something she didn't think she would ever do. Yet she had, for Regina.
It took her a few minutes to get control of her emotions. She splashed some water on her face in the bathroom and rubbed a towel over her skin. A pale version of herself looked back at her in the mirror. There were bags under her eyes and her lips were pulled into a tight line. But before she could further scrutinise her appearance, she heard Ruby calling her name.
"Coming!" she called back, gazing into her own green eyes for a moment longer before setting off at a jog down the stairs.
A/N: Do you think Ruby and Emma did the right thing? And to the reviewer who thought Emma shouldn't have thrown the drugs away, have a little faith - I always do my research!