A/N: I usually alternate chapters which focus on Regina and then Emma but this is another Regina-centric chapter because I'm diving into her meeting at the hospital.
The excessive coolness of the air-conditioning inside their Uber meant that her skin prickled when she stepped out of the car and into the morning heat. Behind her, Emma was thanking their driver as Regina looked up at the hospital building before them. So much had changed since she had last stood outside, just two days earlier. Two days? Was that really all that had passed?
"Are you ok?" Emma asked, coming to stand beside Regina who was gazing up at the rows of windows above them.
"Yeah," Regina breathed out.
Emma hesitated before stepping forwards and leading the way into the building. She glanced over her shoulder to check Regina was following, which she was. The brunette trailed her through the maze of corridors, until they appeared in a smaller reception area with just a few chairs, all of which were empty. Within minutes, Regina was handed some more paperwork and Emma had gestured for the two of them to take a seat.
She began to fill in the various forms, Emma swiping through her phone beside her for a few minutes and giving Regina time to get the administrative tasks completed.
"So, how are you feeling?" Emma said, voice low as the brunette placed the cap back on the pen.
Regina shrugged. "Ok, I guess." She wasn't sure whether Emma was referring to the upcoming appointment or how her body was feeling, given that they were approaching twelve hours since her last hit. It had been just before they went to bed; a repeat of earlier in the day with Emma preparing a small dose of heroin. Regina hadn't been able to look the blonde in the eyes since. There was something about the intimate, and illegal, act of Emma injecting Regina's thigh which had shifted their dynamic. There was a tension now, and one which didn't melt away as the drug trickled through her body.
"You know, I'd stay if I could," Emma sighed. "I wish I could be here for you but my shift starts in ten minutes."
"It's fine, I get it," Regina replied as she shuffled the forms and placed them on the empty seat beside her. "Honestly, you've done more than enough for me already, Emma. I'm not about to ask you to miss work too."
"Yeah, I know but I still wanted to tell you I'm sorry that I can't be there. And afterwards, do you want to just order an Uber home? Or do you want Ruby to come and meet you?"
"An Uber is fine but I don't have a phone any more," Regina reminded her.
"Right, of course. Ok, then come to A and E and ask for Beverly. She'll come and get me and we can order you a ride."
Regina nodded her thanks and forced a tight smile. She didn't like how much she was putting Emma out. Not only was she now staying in the nurse's spare room, rent free, but she was also interrupting her work day to arrange taxis. Regina hated not being independent and while she knew her current situation was not her fault, she still disliked her reliance on Emma. She needed money, she decided. She needed to be able to pay her way. Her mind wandered briefly to that job offer she'd received from the British Library. Not turning up for her first day probably scuppered any chance she had with the institution. Plus, she got the feeling that the library was somewhere Killian might look for her.
"Hey, Regina?"
She snapped back to the present and saw Emma standing in front of her. "What?" she asked, jumping to her feet too, looking wildly around.
"No, it's ok. He's not here," Emma soothed at once, a warm hand coming to rest on Regina's forearm. Even without words, Emma could tell what Regina first thought had been. "It's ok, you're safe. But Dr Hopper is ready now." She pointed towards a door which had opened onto the waiting area, where a middle aged, smiling man was now standing.
"Oh, right, of course," Regina said, cheeks flushed at her display of paranoia. "Sorry."
"No need to apologise," Emma reassured her. "Are you ready?"
Taking a deep breath, Regina allowed herself to look directly into Emma's green orbs. The concern and sadness she saw there, mingled with something undetectable, made Regina's heart beat faster. Did Emma feel sorry for her? Did Emma worry that Regina couldn't do this? Did Emma think that Regina was a lost cause?
Or was that all Regina? Regina, who felt sorry for herself at the situation she had tumbled into. Regina, who wasn't sure what she was about to walk into but who was even less sure whether she was strong enough to take that first step. Regina, who couldn't any longer imagine a life beyond what she had experienced in London for the past year.
"Hey, where'd you go?" Emma asked, her hand squeezing Regina's forearm where it still rested.
"I'm just … thinking," Regina replied, unsure how to put into words where her mind had gone.
"Don't worry, you've got this," Emma smiled.
Regina managed to force the muscles in her face to twist themselves into a smile too which seemed to satisfy the blonde who beamed even wider. She stepped away from Regina and towards the doctor who was still waiting in the doorway. The two of them exchanged some quiet words before Emma turned and grinned once more at Regina, reminding her to come and find Beverly whenever she was ready to go home.
Home, Regina mused to herself. Something she hadn't had since she left Puerto Rico. And now Emma was generous enough to invite Regina into hers. If that wasn't a gesture of kindness and a silent way of saying 'I believe in you,' then what was? She had to do this. She had to get clean. For herself. For Emma.
She felt her legs wobble slightly as she started to walk towards the doctor still smiling in the doorway. He stepped out of the way to let her in before closing the door behind with a soft snap. Nevertheless, Regina jumped slightly. The doctor didn't noticed, for which she was grateful.
"Hi Regina, my name is Archie Hopper. You can call me Doctor Hopper or Archie, whichever you'd prefer."
Regina nodded, eyes taking in the small but tastefully decorated room with a window which was high enough to have a view of Hampstead Heath. Dr Hopper waved his hand towards a large armchair as he took a seat in his own, perching Regina's paperwork on his knee.
"So, Regina, can you tell me why you decided to come here today?"
That was the first question? Surely the doctor knew that she needed help to stop using. "I mean, isn't it obvious?" she asked.
Archie chuckled. "The aim of the treatment may be, yes, but I'd first of all like to know what made you seek it out. Why now? What was it that made you realise you needed to get help?"
"Oh, well, I guess Emma was the person who booked this appointment for me. It was her idea."
The doctor cocked his head. "And you're in disagreement with Emma? Do you not think you need to be here?"
"No, I don't mean that. I was just saying that she was the person who called up the hospital. I mean, I wouldn't even have known where to start looking for someone like you."
"Ok, but if you had known where to find me, do you think you would have come in here alone?"
Regina looked down in her lap, fingers twisting together as she mulled over the question. That wasn't true; she wasn't mulling. She knew the answer. She knew that without Emma, there was no way she'd have ever sought out someone like Dr Hopper.
"No, I guess not," she whispered quietly.
"Well I suppose it's a good thing you met Emma then, isn't it?" Archie smiled. Regina nodded in agreement but said nothing. "So, now that you are here, I'll explain a little bit about how our services work before we start discussing how we can help you. Do you know anything about what we do here?"
Regina shook her head, suddenly wishing she'd asked Emma more questions. She felt underprepared and naive.
"So, we're an outpatient drug treatment service. This means that all our services are provided without you having to check into rehab like you see on the TV. You'll have regular appointments with me or someone else on my team, depending on what works best for you. We offer two main forms of treatment for people who have been using heroin. The first addresses the physical addiction. Due to the way the body becomes dependent on heroin and other opiates, it can be dangerous to stop cold turkey, so we use a drug called methadone which acts as a substitute to heroin which you can then be weaned off, as your treatment progresses. Any questions so far?"
Again, Regina shook her head.
"Great, so alongside the methadone, we also offer a range of what we call talking therapies. The most common one is CBT or cognitive behavioural therapy. During these sessions, we'll work together to identify why you started to use drugs in the first place and help you put in place healthier behaviours and habits to minimise the risk of you using again. How does all this sound?"
"Good," Regina murmured.
Archie hesitated before continuing. "Ok, so I spoke with Emma on the phone when she made this appointment and I believe she was keen to see if we could start you on methadone today. Can you tell me when the last time you took heroin was?"
"Last night," Regina admitted. "Emma knows, by the way. She helped."
If Archie was surprised by this, he didn't allow it to show on his face. "Ok, then I think we could start you on some methadone today if you are confident that you're ready for this. It's a big step, Regina, and I know this is new for you. Of course, the sooner the better, because heroin use is dangerous, but I don't want to push you towards something you're not ready for."
"I'm ready," Regina said, sitting up a little straighter. If she hadn't been sure when she'd walked in, she was certain now. For some reason, the thought of going back to Emma's and tearing the place apart to look for the rest of her stash made her stomach coil. "I want to stop, Dr Hopper. I know it's hard and you're right, this isn't something I was thinking about doing even a few days ago. But I never wanted to become addicted and although the highs are amazing, the lows are, well, low. I don't want that any more. I … I don't need the highs any more either."
"That's great to hear, Regina," Archie smiled at her. "So, the way methadone works is to act as a replacement for your body but without that euphoric high. Usually, we try to match the dose of methadone to how much heroin you're used to. Over time, once you've settled in with the program and are making progress in your CBT sessions, we can start to reduce the amount. It is possible to get completely clean eventually, which is what most people aim for as methadone is also an addictive substance."
"I want that," Regina nodded. "I want to get clean."
"Well, first things first, let's get a prescription for methadone drawn up for you and let's get your first dose organised. We keep some onsite but you'll go to a local pharmacy to get your doses from tomorrow. It's important that they monitor you and provide you with the right dose."
"A pharmacy? Can't Emma just give it to me?" Regina asked. The thought of having to leave the safety of Emma's house and walk to a pharmacy every day sent chills down her back.
"I don't see why not. I'd have to show her the dosages but as she's a nurse, she'll be able to keep an eye out for any side effects. Is that the setup you'd prefer?"
Regina nodded vigorously. "Yes please. I mean, if Emma's ok with it."
"I'm sure she'll be more than happy to help you. She's a very kind soul."
"Yes, she is," Regina agreed.
"Right, sit tight and I'll go and get some methadone right now. Are you feeling any symptoms of withdrawal yet?"
"No, I'm ok right now."
"And what are the first symptoms you tend to experience?"
"Itching, I guess. And I feel nervous, like I missing something or have forgotten something. But the itching tends to come first." She glanced down at her forearms where her skin prickled as if it knew it was being talked about.
"Well, I'll give you a modest dose to start with and Emma can go from there once she's back home later today. Don't worry, I'll be providing you and her all the information you need to ensure this goes smoothly," Archie said before bustling out of the room.
Regina tried to ignore the fact that Beverly was watching her. She didn't think the gaze was unkind, more curious. But she really didn't want curious questions directed at her right now. Luckily, she only had to wait awkwardly by the reception for a few minutes after the older woman had radioed for Emma before the blonde was striding towards her.
"How did it go?" she asked as soon as she was in front of Regina.
"Um, good, I think," Regina nodded.
"Archie's great, right?" Emma smiled, leaning against the desk, behind which Beverly's ears were straining to hear their conversation.
"Yeah he is. Um, look, I've got to ask you something."
"Shoot."
"Can we go somewhere more private?" Regina asked, not wanting to give Beverly more gossip than she was already gleaning.
Emma glanced at the receptionist, grinned at her, before reaching down to take Regina's hand and leading her towards a small room just off the large waiting area. Regina's fingers twitched in the blonde's grip, her skin suddenly hot beneath the smooth palm of the other woman.
"Ok, how's this?" Emma asked as she shut the door behind them.
"Thanks," Regina replied. "So, um, yeah, it went well but I asked Dr Hopper if it was possible if you could … be the one who gave me my methadone. He said it was fine if you were ok with it and he said he'd talk you through what to do."
"Me?"
Regina nodded. "Yeah, and I know it's a lot to ask but he said I'd have to walk down to a pharmacy every day to get the dose and I freaked out. I can't leave the house like that, Emma. I can't. It's too dangerous. But I want to do this and I want to get better and get clean and stop using but I can't risk him finding me. I can't and -"
"I'll do it," Emma interrupted the increasingly hysterical and fast-paced ramble. "Of course I'll do it, Regina. Hey, it's ok, don't cry." She opened her arms and Regina felt herself gravitate into them, the tears spilling down her cheeks as the fear poured out of her. Emma wrapped her in a hug and held her close, whispering into her hair as the woman trembled against her. "It's ok," she soothed. "It's ok. We can do this together. I can do whatever you need, ok?"
"Are you sure?" Regina choked out. "You're already doing so much."
"I'm sure. I'll nip over and speak to Archie after my shift and get everything we need. I've got you, Regina. Whatever you need, I've got you."
Regina pressed herself even closer, feeling Emma's hand stroke up and down her back, holding her body as she continued to shake with her tears.
"You're going to be fine," Emma whispered, pressing her lips lightly against dark brown hair. "We can get through this together, I promise."
A/N: Happy Sunday peeps!