A/N: Happy Sunday, wonderful humans!
As Emma was changing out of her scrubs at the end of her shift, Ruby appeared in the staff locker room. "Oh good, I caught you before you left," she said as she stepped inside and slumped in a chair.
"Hey," Emma said over her shoulder before pulling off her tank top and reaching for a clean one. "How's it going?"
"Quiet. Thank goodness. How was Regina's session this morning with Archie?"
Emma shrugged her new top on and bundled the dirty one into her bag. "Good, I think. She didn't say much before she went home but I think she gets it now. I mean, she can see what she needs to do and it looks like she's ready to get clean."
"I'm glad," Ruby smiled. "And, how are you doing?"
"Me? I'm fine, why?" Emma asked, slinging her bag over her shoulder and closing her locker, ready to leave for the day.
Ruby raised an eyebrow. "I mean, it's kind of been a mad couple of days, no? I'm not saying you didn't do the right thing bringing Regina back to ours and you know I'm fine with her staying if that's best for her but I wanted to check in on you too. Are you dealing with everything ok?"
"I'm not the one with the addiction, Rubes," Emma reminded her friend. "This isn't about me."
"Come on, just because you're not the addict, doesn't mean you're not affected. Hell, I'm affected. And Belle will be too if she ever prises herself away from Gold and comes back home. But I think you and Regina are … well, aren't you?"
"Aren't we what?"
Ruby scoffed. "Come on, Ems. You're not fooling anyone. You like her, right?"
"Of course I like her, Ruby. I wouldn't have asked her to come and stay with us if I didn't like her."
"That's not what I meant and you know it," Ruby sighed. "Emma, it's ok, you can tell me. I get it, alright? I mean, she's hot! Even with that cut on her lip, Regina is objectively beautiful."
"Don't talk about her like that," Emma bristled. Something about the use of the word objective had riled her. The idea of Regina being objectified, of being seen purely as, ok, yes, a beautiful woman, made a flicker of rage rise within the blonde.
Ruby held her hands up in mock defence. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. But I also think you need to face facts. You clearly like Regina. You find her attractive and are drawn to her. It's clear as day to me, even if you're not ready to accept it yourself. But I just want you to be careful, ok? Being with an addict is not easy and I don't want to see you get hurt."
"I'm not with her," Emma remarked, walking towards the door and heading down the corridor, Ruby getting up and following her, not ready for the conversation to be over. So, Emma continued. "And even if I did like her like that, and I'm not saying I do, I don't even know if Regina's into women. So there's nothing to worry about when it comes to me, ok? Look, I've got to go and talk to Archie."
"Why?" Ruby asked at once. "Did he ask to speak with you?"
Emma bit her lip, regretting letting Ruby in on this detail. "Actually, Regina asked me to go. She wants me to be the one to administer the methadone. I'm going to speak with him to find out what I need to do and what I need to watch out for in terms of dosing and side effects."
Ruby gawped at the blonde for a moment, unable to find the words. But they came to her soon enough. "Are you serious? Emma, that's a huge responsibility. Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"I'm sure. It's this or she has to walk to a pharmacy and she's not ready for that. She doesn't feel safe out on the streets with Killian looking for her. Regina asked me and I'm not going to let her down. If she can get clean from one of the most additive substances on the planet, the least I can do is help in any way I can. Look, I'm going to be late to see Archie, so I've got to run. I'll see you later. Have a good rest of your shift."
She continued walking, leaving Ruby, who'd stopped in accordance with the effective dismissal the blonde had given her, standing in the middle of the corridor. Emma didn't look back. She didn't trust herself not to give into the temptation to confess her inner thoughts to her best friend. In truth, she wanted to tell Ruby what she was feeling. She wanted to have that conversation, to dissect how she felt, to pore over every minute detail of every interaction she had had with Regina in the last forty-eight hours. But she couldn't. Not yet. Not now.
When she arrived in the waiting room, Archie's door was ajar but she still rapped on it with her knuckles.
"Emma, hi, come on in," he smiled, looking up from his desk where he'd been finishing some paperwork. "How are you?"
"Good, thanks. Sorry I'm a little late."
Archie waved away the apology and gestured for Emma to take a seat, which she did, bag perched on her knees as she waited for the older man to retrieve a paper bag from a drawer in his desk.
"I took the liberty of getting Regina's prescription ready for you. Do you know much about methadone?"
Emma shook her head. "The basics. What do I need to know to help Regina?"
"We'll be starting her out on 20 milligrams per day. Based on what she told me in terms of her use, that should be about right but it may need to be increased. I gave her 20 milligrams this morning just after nine. Ideally you'll be giving it at the same time each day, so that you can get into a steady routine. Now, I assume you're going home after we've finished here?"
"Yes."
"You'll need to ask her how she's feeling regularly throughout the evening. I doubt she'll need more but if she is feeling any withdrawal symptoms, she may need a little top up. Another 10 milligrams will be enough, then tomorrow morning, I recommend giving her 25 milligrams. Again, if that's not enough, another 10 in the afternoon and the following morning, up it to 30 milligrams. Once you get to the point where she isn't feeling withdrawal symptoms, that's great and you've hit the right dose. That's all we want for now."
"Got it," Emma nodded. "And it's a liquid, right?"
"Yep," Archie nodded, pulling a bottle out of a brown paper bag. "There's a little cup in there too. Nice and simple. Any questions?"
Emma shook her head. "No, that's all fine. Thank you, Archie. For all of this and for squeezing Regina in this morning. I know you're busy."
"Of course, no problem at all. I also spoke with Regina about starting her CBT later this week, so if she's ready, let me know and we'll get an appointment set up with one of the team. Ideally we'd like the dosage fairly stable but we can at least have her meet with one of my guys and then we can settle on a programme which works for her."
"Thank you," Emma repeated, getting to her feet and reaching for the bag on Archie's desk.
They said their goodbyes and Emma promised to let him know how the dose was working out for Regina by texting him once she was home. Once again, Emma thanked him for his help, expertise and time before heading out of the hospital.
Outside, the busy street was packed with commuters. Emma floated along with them, was carried down into the underground platform and boarded the tube on autopilot. Her mind was elsewhere as the train rattled away from the station and was smothered in darkness as it entered the tunnel. Ruby might not have had the conversation she was clearly hankering after but she had managed to make Emma confront her own thoughts and feelings.
There was no use denying it to herself any more. It was true. Emma did like Regina. Like like her. In spite of everything. After all of the drama and the pain and the challenges which had already come and which Emma knew would be in the woman's future, there was something about the Puerto Rican that she simply could not get out of her head. No, that wasn't the right way to think about it. She didn't want to get Regina out of her head. And now she was heading back home to find out how her first day sober had been. Could this be any more complicated?
Her feet carried her up the escalator and out onto the familiar street, bathed in early evening sunshine. She ducked into a shop to buy some more milk, having noted that morning that they were running low. On a whim, she also grabbed a family sized chocolate bar, thinking that she and Regina could share it after dinner.
The park was dotted with people soaking up the warmth but Emma didn't linger. Instead, she headed straight home, eager to know how Regina was doing. As she slid her key into the lock, she was already straining her ears to hear … something. In truth, she didn't know what she was listening for, and as a result, the silence which greeted her was neither reassuring nor ominous.
"Regina?" she called out, dropping her keys into the bowl on the side table in the hall.
There was no answer. Ok, that silence worried her more. She moved further into the house, peering into the front living room which was empty. She hovered at the foot of the stairs, listening for any sound of movement. Nothing. But she could hear the sound of birds, more clearly than usual. Making her way into the kitchen, she saw the doors to the garden thrown wide open. She crossed the room quickly and stepped out onto the patio, the slabs warm beneath her bare feet. Shielding her eyes from the sunshine, she looked down to the end of the garden. There, beneath the shade of the silver birch, she spotted her.
"Hey," she called, waving briefly as Regina looked towards her.
"Hi," Regina replied, sitting more upright in the deckchair. "How was the rest of your shift?"
Emma walked down the garden, picking her way over the grass carefully to avoid anything which might hurt her feet. When she got to the tree, she could see that Regina had set up camp beneath its branches. There was a half drunk glass of water, and an empty plate off which she assumed the woman had eaten lunch. A bookmark was placed over halfway through Paradise City.
"Are you enjoying that?" Emma asked, pointing to the book as she took a seat on the grass.
"Yes," Regina nodded. "It's immersive. Just what I need right now. How was work?"
This time, Emma answered the question. "Good, relatively quiet compared to some days. How was the rest of your day?"
"Good. Quiet too. I'm mostly been here reading. Did you speak with Doctor Hopper?"
"I did," Emma nodded. "And I've got your prescription. Um, how are you feeling?"
Regina hesitated for a moment. Emma felt like the woman was genuinely considering the question, taking stock of how she truly felt. "Ok, I think."
"Ok? No symptoms of withdrawal?"
"Not really," Regina replied. "It's hard to tell, to be honest. I mean … ok, this feels … I don't know how to talk about this, to be honest."
The brunette looked away, cheeks a little flushed. Clearly she was embarrassed and not used to speaking openly about her addiction. But Emma knew that if she was going to be there for Regina, if she was going to help her, then she needed to know the truth. She needed to know what she was up against.
"Hey, you can tell me," Emma reassured her, leaning forwards and putting her hand on the bare skin of Regina's knee.
Both women's eyes fell to that point. Emma considered taking it away but Regina hadn't flinched at the contact and she didn't seem any more uncomfortable than she had been when their conversation had started. Beneath Emma's cool palm, she could feel the smooth, warm flesh pressed against her. She forced her mind off what Ruby had said at the hospital and instead focused on Regina who took a deep breath and began to speak.
"It's different. The methadone Doctor Hopper gave me this morning did make my body feel calm. I could sense that it was starting to tell me it needed a hit, the tingling was slowly creeping in and when I took the methadone, that feeling faded away. But it's a replacement. It doesn't come with the same rush that heroin gives me. It was like my body was satisfied but I didn't feel that euphoria. It was more that the physical addiction was fed but … I guess a part of my brain wanted the high. I didn't listen to it," Regina added quickly. "But, yeah, it felt like something was missing even though my body wasn't asking me for anything."
Emma nodded slowly. "I think I understand. It was the psychological addiction which wasn't satisfied but because your body was placated, you were able to stay strong. That's good, Regina. I'm proud of you."
"Thanks," Regina sighed. "But it's not me, is it? I mean, it's the methadone."
"Not from what you just said. There are two parts of you that want the drug, right? Your body and your mind. Yes, the methadone helps with the physical cravings but it was you that didn't give into the voice in your head. That's something to be proud of, Regina. That shows that you want to stop using."
"I do," Regina said at once. "Of course I want to stop. I never wanted to start."
Emma squeezed the woman's knee in what she hoped was a reassuring way. "I know you didn't."
The brunette leaned back in the chair and let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I just … this is going to be really hard, isn't it?"
"I'm not going to lie to you," Emma replied. "Yeah, it's going to be hard. But you can do it, I have no doubt about that. And I'm going to help you, whatever you need. So, if you do start to feel those physical withdrawals come back, let me know and we can increase your dose. And when it comes to those psychological withdrawals, Archie said that he can get you booked in for your first CBT session later this week. I think that will help, right?"
"Yes, I guess so. I … thank you, Emma. For everything. I don't think I could do this without you."
"Of course you could," Emma scoffed. "But you don't have to, ok? Now, I'm going to make a cup of tea then think about dinner. Are you hungry?"
"I am," Regina said, getting to her feet and in the process forcing Emma's hand to leave her knee. Something deep inside Emma quivered as her fingers slipped across the warm skin but she ignored it as she stood up herself. "Can I help?"
"Sure. Come on, let's go and see what we can cobble together from whatever's in the fridge."
As she was walking up the garden, Emma's phone vibrated. Pulling it out, she saw a text from her mother. She wondered how she was possibly going to explain the events of the last two days. Her dad, she thought, would understand. Her mum, however, not so much. Deciding that she'd deal with having that conversation another time, Emma led the way into the house and set about preparing their evening meal.
A/N: I hope you all have a wonderful week! I'll be bringing some information about Regina's family into the next chapter, too, by the way!