A/N: Happy Sunday, humans!
Her second kiss was cut short by the sound of Belle making her way back down the stairs. Emma groaned quietly, whispered "I'll be right back," and placed a soft peck to the end of Regina's nose. The brunette grinned as she watched Emma climb out from behind her on the sofa and disappear out of the room.
Alone, Regina rolled onto her back, interlaced her fingers on her stomach, and gazed at the ceiling. She needed a moment. She needed to process what had just happened. What had happened? What changed? She didn't want to interrogate herself too deeply. Her most obvious emotion was one of happiness. It was an unfamiliar feeling, admittedly, but she knew that's what she felt. And she wanted to keep feeling it. Lord knows she knew she deserved a little bit of happy in her life.
No, you don't.
The voice came, unbidden, into her mind. She sat upright, scanning the room quickly even though she knew he wasn't really there. She knew she was alone, safe.
But he was looking for her, she was sure of that. He wouldn't stop, either. Not until he had found her and brought her back. She belonged to him, that's what he'd said. She didn't. Regina knew she didn't belong to Killian. But that didn't mean there wasn't a part of her which had accepted that relentless message, repeatedly battered into her over the past year.
If she belonged to Killian, would she ever be free? If she worked for him, what did that mean for her and Emma? What sort of future could they have if she was always going to have to go back? To Killian, or to Puerto Rico. She would never be able to stay in the UK, she was sure of that. So, what was the point? Where could this possibly go? Why had she even allowed herself to feel?
"Ok, she's gone. Probably won't see her for another month now. That guy's really got his hooks into her," Emma said as she walked back into the room. "I mean, maybe he's great but until I meet him and - Hey, what's wrong?"
Regina tried to shield her face, not wanting Emma to know she had been crying. Why it mattered that time, she wasn't sure. Tears weren't exactly a rarity between the two women. But she didn't want Emma to know she was upset. She couldn't have this conversation. Not now. Not yet.
"Nothing, I'm fine."
"Shit, no you're not. Was it too much? I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you to do anything you weren't ready for."
"No, Emma, it's fine. It's not you."
Emma sat down but made sure to give Regina plenty of space, not wanting to crowd her in any way. "Then what happened? I left five minutes ago and you were smiling but I come back and you're crying. Can you help me understand what changed?"
She owed Emma an explanation, she knew that. But it still felt too soon, and the conversation was too huge for her to even begin to comprehend what needed to be discussed.
"It's not you," Regina repeated again. "Whatever you're thinking, it's nothing to do with you, I need you to know that."
"Ok," Emma said slowly, not looking convinced. "So what is it?"
Regina curled herself up a little more, reaching for a cushion again and hugging it to her chest. Something about having the soft item to clutch against her made her feel more grounded. "I was thinking about my life before I came here. Killian, what I did. And Puerto Rico too. It's a lot, Emma. And it's not about you but I guess what happened between us got me thinking. Maybe it forced me to think about things I've been ignoring."
"Ok, we can talk about that stuff if you want," Emma offered. "I've not wanted to bring anything up until you're ready. And I know you're focusing on getting clean. That has to be your priority and I didn't want anything to distract you from that."
"I know, and I appreciate that. I don't think I'm ready to talk yet but it seems like my brain wants me to start thinking about some stuff I've been ignoring."
Emma nodded. "Ok, I get that. And I don't want to push you to talk or to do anything you're not ready for. Can you just promise to tell me what you need? I want to be here for you but I've gotta admit I'm not exactly sure how I can help. So, yeah, tell me?"
"I'll tell you. And thank you," Regina said with a soft smile.
She reached out and placed her hand on Emma's thigh, just above the knee. Green eyes landed on the contact then flicked up to her face. "So, um, you're not regretting anything that happened, right? I mean, you don't think it was a mistake?"
"No, Emma. It wasn't a mistake."
Emma grinned and moved slightly closer to Regina, bouncing a little on the sofa. "So, can we do it again?"
The endearing, enthusiastic look made Regina laugh before she nodded and leaned in to close the gap, the taste and feel of Emma's lips on hers already familiar. She had thought Killian's rule about no kissing to be strange at first but had also been glad that she didn't have to deal with having her face so close to the myriad unpleasant men she'd been forced to service. And now she was immensely glad that she and Emma could share that significant moment in her life together.
Her hands moved to rest on Emma's waist, their bodies gravitating towards on another on the sofa. The blonde wrapped her arms around Regina, pulling her closer still as her fingers tangled in her hair. For a moment, Regina wondered what Emma's next move would be and a flicker of anxiety fluttered through her body. But Emma didn't make any attempt to move beyond the kiss they were sharing, content just to explore each other's mouths until they finally broke apart, a little out of breath.
"I really like kissing you," Emma murmured, forehead pressed against Regina's.
"I like kissing you too," Regina replied.
"Good. I mean, being someone's first kiss is a big thing. I've not been someone's first kiss since I was about twelve." At those words Regina bristled a little. Emma sensed that she'd said something wrong and hastily tried to backtrack, while also releasing her hold on Regina who was pulling back. "That came out wrong. I didn't mean anything by that. Can we forget I said it?"
"It's fine," Regina replied, an edge to her tone.
"No, it's not. I've upset you and that wasn't what I meant to do. Regina, please, I do think we need to talk about this."
"What's there to talk about?" Regina exclaimed. "I'm a former sex worker who's never been in a relationship. I'm both inexperienced and a whore all at once. How are we supposed to talk about that contradiction?"
She jumped up off the sofa and walked over to the window which looked out onto the quiet street. Emma didn't move but Regina could feel her eyes watching, waiting to see if Regina was going to say anything more. When the silence stretched on, Emma let out a sigh. "Regina, I don't care about your level of experience. I do care that you called yourself a whore, however. Please don't say that again."
"Why not? It's true," Regina said, spinning around and glaring at Emma.
"No, it's not," Emma shot back, standing up and walking over to stand before the brunette. "And you weren't a sex worker. You were a sex trafficking victim."
"I'm not a fucking victim," Regina screamed.
The sound exploded out of her into the room which then went deathly silent. Emma's face went white. She'd never heard Regina scream before. Regina too looked shocked at the outburst but then her cheeks coloured in embarrassment. The loss of control, the involuntary response. That wasn't what she'd wanted to say. And she hadn't wanted to yell at Emma.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, turning away again.
"Regina, no, I'm sorry," Emma said quickly. "I didn't mean to say anything wrong. I just … I don't want to say, to be honest."
The admission hung in the air. Regina didn't know how to respond and Emma was too afraid to say anything else which might not be the right thing to say. But the truth was, there were no right words. When someone had gone through something as terrible as Regina had, there was nothing 'right' which could correct or erase those wrongs.
"I didn't mean to shout at you," Regina said quietly, curling her arms beneath her own ribcage and holding herself tightly. "I'm really sorry."
"It's fine," Emma replied, stepping a little closer. "You don't need to apologise."
"I do," Regina sighed. "Of course I do, Emma." She turned to look at the blonde, whose eyes were shimmering with tears at the thought that she'd hurt the shorter woman. "Oh, Emma, I'm so sorry. I know you're only trying to help and you've been amazing. I never meant to make you feel like you were doing anything wrong. And shouting at someone who's been as amazing as you have, and someone who I really, really like, well, yeah, that's not ok. That deserves an apology."
"Apology accepted," Emma said at once. "Can I … hug you?"
Regina nodded and unwrapped her arms from around her body. Emma gathered her up into an embrace which Regina didn't ever want to end. She felt so safe, so cared for. She buried her face against Emma's neck and allowed her lips to press a kiss on the soft skin there. A rumble in Emma's throat let her know the sensation was appreciated. Regina chuckled and repeated the action.
"God, you're so sexy," Emma murmured.
"You make me feel sexy," Regina admitted as she pulled away. "I've not felt like this before, Emma. I've never felt … I don't know how to describe it."
"And I don't want to push you but can we talk for a moment about the fact that we're both women? I just need to know where your head's at when it comes to that side of what's happening here."
"I don't know if I have the answers you want," Regina said. She knew Emma would be curious about what she was thinking with regards to their genders and sexualities. Maybe it was something that she'd devote more time to thinking about in the future but in that moment, as far as Regina cared, none of it mattered.
Emma gestured to the sofa and Regina nodded. They took their seats again, opting to sit cross legged, facing each other. Their knees touched and once they were both settled comfortably, Emma reached forwards and intertwined her fingers with Regina's.
"I don't need a label," Emma began. "I don't want you to feel pressured to define yourself. But I've fallen for women who were straight before. Or maybe they felt they had to be straight because of the society we live in. I don't know, to be honest. Anyway, it hurt me. And it made me wary. I'm not going to say that I didn't have feelings for you before today. I did. I do have feelings for you, Regina. And I realised that before our kiss, before there was even a chance that you liked me too. I guess it would be reassuring for me to understand where your head is at."
Regina squeezed her fingers. "I have feelings for you, Emma. I don't know if I knew what that meant until today but I felt something when I was with you and close to you. I can't tell you what that means for my sexuality though. I … look, I don't want to talk about what happened before, with Killian, but let's just say that I wasn't getting any enjoyment out of what happened. I'm not saying that's because I'm not attracted to men. Even if I was straight, I wouldn't have wanted what happened to me, in those circumstances."
"Of course not, I'd never suggest that."
"So, I'm not saying I couldn't ever be attracted to men. I had crushes on boys at high school, but nothing ever happened. And I don't think I had crushes on girls but that was not something that was exactly accepted back home so even if I had, maybe I wouldn't have realised what I was feeling. For now, are you ok with me just saying that I really like you and that I'm attracted to you? But, I have to be honest with you here … we will have to take this slow. I really like you and I do feel physically attracted to you, but I don't think I'm ready for anything beyond kissing right now."
"That's fine. That's more than enough, Regina. God, I would never want to pressure you into anything you weren't ready for. We take this at your pace, I promise. And I don't need you to label yourself. Maybe for now you can just call yourself an Emmasexual?"
Regina laughed as the blonde waggled her eyebrows. She leaned forwards and initiated another short, hot kiss. "Ok, that works for me."
"Mmm, it's working for me too."
Emma kissed Regina again, opening her lips and trapping one of Regina's between her own. The brunette hissed, a short, sharp intake of breath.
"Shit, are you ok?" Emma asked, pulling back as Regina's fingers moved up to her lip.
"It's fine, I think you caught the steri strips. I don't think it's actually the cut that hurt."
"Let me look?" Switching seamlessly into her nursing persona, Emma rocked up onto her knees to get a better angle to check Regina's scar. It looked unchanged to her. In fact, it appeared almost healed. "Yeah, I think it's fine. Actually, do you want to take these off?"
"You're the professional. If they're ok to come off, then yes please."
"The skin has healed well. They aren't doing anything more for you now. Although you are going to have a scar, I can see that already."
Great, Regina thought to herself. A physical reminder every time she looked in the mirror of how men had slapped her about and abused her for over a year. Rather than voice these fears, she simply closed her eyes and nodded her consent for Emma to start. Cool fingers touched her lip, carefully peeling each strip back. With Emma's care and attention, the removal barely hurt although the strips snagged every now and then at her skin.
"All done," Emma said a minute later.
"How does it look?" Regina asked, not opening her eyes. She didn't think she could bear to see Emma recoil at the marred skin she had uncovered. Not after what they had just shared.
A soft mouth covered her now bare, hyper sensitive lips. Emma's touch was featherlight, allowing Regina plenty of time to pull away if there was any discomfort, emotional or physical. Regina did the opposite, and all but climbed into Emma's lap, mouth working furiously as she poured all of her emotions into the kiss, trying to distract herself from the flicker of doubt that had surfaced in her mind. How could Emma possibly like her? Why would Emma want to be with her, an ex hooker? What did Emma see in her, aside from just an easy fuck?
"Woah, Regina, stop," Emma gasped, reeling backwards, hands wrapped around Regina's wrists as she stilled the woman's sudden scramble to get her fingers beneath Emma's clothes. "What's wrong?"
"Why me?" Regina asked, despair wracking her body. "Why me?"
"I … I don't know what you need me to say," Emma admitted as she watched the woman straddling her crumble into tears. "I think you're amazing, Regina. You're strong. So strong. And kind, despite the fact that the world hasn't shown you any kindness recently. And funny, and I think it's pretty obvious I think you're beautiful."
"I'm not," Regina said, her fingers coming up and pressing hard on her scar, pain shooting from where her lip pressed against her teeth.
"You are," Emma insisted, pulling Regina's hand away. "You're stunning and this mark changes nothing. You're gorgeous, Regina. Every part of you." The gentlest, most tender kiss Emma had yet given her brushed against that scar, causing fresh tears to spill from Regina's eyes. "But this isn't just physical," Emma continued. "I find you attractive on the outside but there's something about you, your personality, you as a person that I'm attracted to. I don't know what you need to hear to believe that but I promise to keep telling you every single day until you do believe me, ok?"
"I don't deserve you, Emma. Or at least you deserve better than me."
"I don't want anyone else," Emma replied, hands moving to cup Regina's face. "I don't want anyone but you, Regina. You deserve happiness. And I want to give it to you, if you'll let me try?"
A/N: Did it get too sappy? Is there such a thing as too sappy?