The message John Sheppard should have sent back to earth. I posted this to the Yahoo SGAHC group (a group that specializes in writing h/c fic) and got several very witty responses. The writers kindly gave me permission to post them below, I encourage you to look up their fics on ff under the pen names listed.

A Letter From Pegasus That We Never Got to See...


MEMO

TO: SGAHC fan fiction writers

FROM: Major John Sheppard

RE: We need a vacation!

Please stop. Just for a week.

To date, I have suffered 187 concussions, 238 broken/cracked ribs, 52 gunshot wounds, 96 broken legs/arms, whiplash, amnesia, assorted bumps, bruises, strains, and sprains. Not to mentioned being kidnapped, drugged, infected, cloned, brainwashed, poisoned, stabbed, tortured, etc., on a fairly regular basis. I won't even list the injuries suffered by the rest of my team, but let's just say poor McKay should be a drooling cast-covered pile of ground chuck by now.

Really, just a week off, that's all we ask.

P.S. I forgot to mention being attacked by killer frogs & snake people, having an acid spewing sex-slave control chip implanted in my back, being turned into a seeping bloody sponge, drowning, crash landings, injured by biological weapons that look deceptively like rocket launchers, practically being turned into a wraith, possession by an alien entity, trapped in a computer game, attacked by wild animals...

Kodiak Bear Country's reply ...


To: Major John Sheppard
From: SGAHC Writer

This is a notification that you have not applied for an official leave. If you wish to have a week off, then please submit the appropriate paperwork. We'll have our President sign the form, if approved.

This will guarentee you only the designated time frame from significant bodily injury, however, we need to point out that emotional duress is not covered in the clause, and we would need to draw up an appropriate addendum to the contract if this is also required.

And lastly, we've been notified of your impending promotion. Congratulations, and where should we send the card?

P.S. I hope you do realize that a promotion to Colonel also includes an increase in the amount of inflicted injuries per week. As with the following contract, this increase also includes Doctor McKay.

Sincerely yours,
SGAHC Writer


MEMO

TO: SGAHC Writer

FROM: Major John Sheppard

RE: We need a vacation! (response to your memo above)

Quite a few of these happened when I was supposedly on leave recovering!

I have a few choice suggestions about where that card can go!

Kodiak Bear Country's reply ...


To: Major John Sheppard
From: SGAHC Writer
RE: reply

Do you have paperwork to support these claims? You must understand, we cannot simply go off of your word. There must be proof that your contract was infringed upon. If your claim is true, then we've done you a grave injury (quite literally) I'm afraid.

While I understand we appear to be a rabid bunch, we do have standards, and it's in every author's clause that they return you and Doctor McKay to original status. As far as I am to understand, we have upheld this part of our contract.

As for the card, when and if it does get sent, I should warn you that it may be in your best interests to have someone such as Sergeant Bates open it. I'm just saying...

Sincerely Yours,
SGAHC Writer

Wraithfodder's reply...


MEMO

TO: Major Sheppard

FROM: Stargate Command

RE: We Need a Vacation!

Dear Major Sheppard,

We have looked over your personnel records for your time on Atlantis, and according to the Personnel Department, your status is listed as a 'deduct' employee. While you are entitled to vacation time during your tenure on Atlantis, you are not entitled to personal time or sick time during the first six months.

We have added up the time you took as 'sick time' to recover from your various complaints, and you now owe the SGC approximately $248,0078.52. Please note that the Accounting Department will be sending you an exact summary within the next thirty (30) business days.

Thank you for doing business with the Stargate Command Personnel Department.

Regards,

Anonymous Flunky/Lacky
SGC Personnel