Set during "The Siege".

WHITE LIGHT

"I'm sorry." In less than a second, my atoms were scattered in a brilliant flash and my corporeal body existed no longer.

I could feel my consciousness trying to expand. With just the slightest release on my part I felt sure it would start to grow exponentially, continuing until it encompassed the entire universe.

I wasn't ready to go yet, though. There were still things I wanted to know. Once I let my mind go, I knew they would become insignificant, forgotten motes. So I held tightly to the illusion of pulling myself together, in soul, if not in body. Just for a little while longer.

"Elizabeth, Peter Grodin was aboard the satellite."

Somehow, without being there, I felt her sorrow and everyone else's on Atlantis.

"Understood. What's the status of the other two?"

"They're not coming any closer. Looks like they're rethinking their plans. At the very least, he's bought us some time."

Well, that's something, I guess. Of course, I would have preferred to have blasted all three Wraith ships out of existence and lived to tell about it, but we all have to take what we can get.

"You can't do any more out there, Rodney. Return to Atlantis."

She's right and he knows it, but he seems oddly reluctant to leave. As if by leaving he acknowledges and accepts that I'm really gone. I don't blame him. I'm not sure I've entirely accepted it myself, yet. Finally, he nods to Miller.

"On our way."

A little while later, McKay tells Miller that he's going to get some sleep. It will probably be his last opportunity for a while, he explains. He's lying. Instead, he lies down on the bench in the back of the jumper and stares at the ceiling for hours. I can see into his heart. He thinks he should have come back for me. That it wasn't worth it. That the coin of my death should have purchased so much more than destruction of one Wraith hiveship or better yet, should have never been spent at all. The depth of his sorrow and self-recrimination surprise me. I had no idea he had the capacity to care so deeply about any one person, and especially not me. I watch as he finally closes his eyes, causing a single tear to trickle down his cheek and drop to the jumper's floor.

The strain on my hold increases and time begins to accelerate, the speed increasing the longer I linger. Hours fly by like seconds. I see Everett arrive. I see the Wraith attack and Atlantis defend. Throughout, I feel other minds expanding around and through me, eager to continue on their journey, but I am still not ready yet. I see Sheppard in his jumper and for a moment I think I will have company in my vigil but strangely I'm not disappointed when I don't. I see Ford in the water and Everett drained. I see Rodney, his precious ZPM, his Dirty Harry impersonation. I see a shield and a bombardment. I see the Daedalus take the fight to the Wraith. I see a massive explosion and Atlantis vanish. For an instant, I think it was all for nothing after all, but then I see her reappear in all her glory.

The strain is becoming too great now and I can feel the threads of my mind start to unravel. But it's okay. I have seen all I needed to see.

I reflect on some of the things I've learned in my life: People change and grow constantly; just when you think you have them figured out, you realize that you don't. You can only try to put your life to good use and hope your death serves an even better purpose. Life, as we know it, is just an illusion - we are all spiritual beings having a physical experience. You can't play rock, paper, scissors with three people.

I release the tethers on my mind and become one with the Universe.

END