Chapter 8 - Crash, Bam, Boom
"Hicky-sama. I'm worried."
Captain strode into Daitokuji's penthouse office wearing a peach colored skirtsuit and dyed-to-match peau de soie spike heels. Around her neck hung the world-famous Koh-i-noor Diamond on a 24-kt gold chain as thick as her little finger. Her Sweet Hikaru had managed to buy it from the Smithsonian Institution, and he had given it to her just last week.
Hikaru loved to give her carbon-based crystals as tokens of his affection. This bothered Captain to some extent, realizing how much money he blew on such fripperies. She had even tried to be subtle about it, but to no avail.
"You see, my little samurai," she had told him once. "It rains diamonds elsewhere in the Universe, and even does so on your own Planet Neptune!"
"What the hell are you talking about, Ayshalita?"
"It's like this. Methane - which comprises most of that planet - has four hydrogen atoms that surround a carbon atom. Right?"
Hikaru had no idea, but acted as if he had.
"If you put it under extreme pressure, the bonds holding the hydrogen atoms onto the carbon atoms dissolve, and the carbon atoms begin binding to each other."
Did the National Science Foundation give you a grant or something? he had thought but did not say. He had nodded sagaciously, lacing his fingers together.
"Well. Then. Ordinarily, carbon atoms would form something like what you Terrans call coal. But instead, on Neptune the pressure is so high, it forms diamond dust instead! See, my sweet Hicky?"
He grunted.
"Our own Cygnan scientists tell me that diamonds literally rain down through Neptune's atmosphere toward its center, releasing heat as a result of friction. This explains why Neptune radiates 2.6 times as much heat as it absorbs from your Sun!"
"Of course, my dear; of course. Obviously so."
She had arched an eyebrow, skeptical. She loved him, but realized that money - not astrophysics - was his true passion.
Returning her inscrutable gaze, the billionaire had casually commented, "Remind me to contact NASA, or maybe that old foop who sends up rockets on his own hook." Daitokuji frowned. "Never mind, they keep blowing up. It's like 1957 Cape Canaveral. NASA it is. I want one of my satellites on board their next space mission."
She knew instantly that he wanted to start exporting diamond dust from Neptune. "Pah! NASA isn't going there," the Captain had retorted. "Problem is, first, Neptune is a gas giant, so you can't land on it – and second, the pressure on the planet is so high that it would crush any craft you put on low orbit -- "
"Yes, yes, yes, yes," he had responded, gripping his head with both hands.
Poor dear doesn't even know what a gas giant is - she thought somewhat dismally. "Otherwise, we could have just taken the ENDY."
"All right all right," Daitokuji replied. Conjugal discussions like these gave their marriage real zest. Unfortunately, they also gave him headaches.
Still, he's so sweet for thinking of me - Even standing before him now, she sighed in recollection. The dear old man had taken her to dinner at the Daitokuji Gorgeous Hotel (er, the Napolipolita-Daitokuji Gorgeous Hotel) and there was the Koh-i-noor, cleverly baked inside the loaf of bread they were served!
How romantic!
I damn near chipped a tooth, she thought, but he was so cute I could have knocked him to the floor. Still, I just don't have the heart to tell him that they use diamonds as ballast in the cargo ships on Aldebaran V -
Brought back to the present moment, the alien now sighed and awaited his response.
"My dear, - er, Director of Strategic Planning - I think the girls are fine. I'm sure we would have heard if something was wrong."
She turned her gaze upon the Director of Development, who was busy giving her the stink eye.
Oooh and isn't it just your dumb luck, you kakamatandis pig, that I'm feeling frisky today. I wouldn't mind a decent fist fight, in fact! So, bring it on, baby! Open your mouth and say the wrong thing!!"
Well?" Captain growled. "And what are you staring at, you pathetic excuse for a bloodsucking useless employee?"
"Now, now, Director of Strategic Planning - "Hikaru grinned, stepping between the two executives. "We were just discussing the staffing needs of the Daitokuji Agricultural Goods and Resources subsidiary."
The Captain already knew that Hikaru was intent on rejuvenating his Happy Stomach Grocery Store chain, which had specialized - albeit briefly - in genetically-engineered produce. The trouble was, that it somehow came to life and trashed a city block. She had also told Hikaru to keep her name off that particular subsidiary.
She smiled. "I'd sooner cut my heart out with a stone knife," she replied, eyes locked with the Director of Development.
"Hint," the man growled back.
"Look into the Eyes of the Goddess and despair, you lackwit male!" Wait a minute, she thought. Am I being redundant?
"Why don't you go pump some iron or powder your nose, Mrs. Big Powerful Butch Space Cadet, and leave the business to the men?"
Oh, well, that tore it, you see. She bared her teeth, her hands twitching.
Hikaru slapped his hand to the back of his head, bursting into a loud cadence of diversionary maniacal cackling. It was at best a desperate attempt to defuse the rapidly-ticking bomb threatening to explode right in his face. "OH HO HO HO HO HO! I'm sure we can all get along and work toward the common good of the Corpor - "
"I think we should fire his nasty backstabbing butt, Hicky."
The Director of Development stood. "Didn't I just see you on the 'Drag Queens Strike Back' episode of the Jerry Springer Show?"
"EAT FLAMING DEATH!" Aysha stripped off her suit coat and flung it perforce across the office, where it ended up hanging off the foot of an antique Elvis statue.
Suddenly, a huge explosion knocked the Cygnan off her feet.
The upper part of the room's teak-paneled walls along with the attached ceiling crashed in, showering the room with debris. Before anyone could move, a projectile smashed onto the floor, landing directly on top of the Director of Development.
"YES! YES! YES! PRAISE TO THE MOTHER! WOO HOO!" Captain shrieked, covered with plaster powder and jumping up and down.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Hikaru screamed, flinging aside shattered paneling, ceiling tiles, glass, and pieces of office furniture. He then stared at a large globe-shaped object lying atop the prostrate form lying on the floor. The billionaire squinted at the thing, and started swearing a blue streak.
"&%##(* _& $)%*($+_!($)#$)#$!"
"Are you all right, my Sweet Hicky?" the Captain said, picking her way through the rubble. It was no easy task in four-inch stilettos. She could hear sirens downstairs and people pounding on the office doors.
"LOUSY ROTTEN GAIJIN CREEP! DIRTY CHEATING S.O.B. AMERICAN! STINKING SOUTHERN GOOBER OUT TO DESTROY MY BUSINESS! I'LL SHOW HIM! I'LL BUY UP THE ENTIRE ARCHIVES OF TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX! WARNER BROTHERS! PARAMOUNT!/ OH YES I WILL! HE WILL DIE DIE DIE!"
She observed her husband, still on his knees, hands gripping his head, shrieking wildly in a manner quite like Biko's. She then looked down at the object.
It was an old TBS Communications Satellite.
"Dumb old piece of space junk just fell right out of geosynchronous orbit," she breathed. "Just think of it. The Director of Development, taken out by Ted Turner!" She clasped her hands together, beaming. She then pulled the sputtering Japanese businessman away; he had been banging his head as well as his fists against its titanium sides.
"Careful, dear. The coroner will want us to preserve the death scene intact. You don't want to make it roll off that kakamatandis, do you?"
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It was the morning of A-ko's big day. The night before, her parents had showed her where they would wait to be picked up by Diana's one-time Amazon Sisters.
A-ko's mother showed her child on a map a small barren rock sticking out of the South Atlantic. "Are you trying to tell me that fly speck is Paradise Island, Mama?"
For an answer A-ko's mom gave a brief laugh, then told her, "No, little one; that is Crab Key. Themyscira is an island that exists in no definite time or space. The only outsiders who have ever found it have done so by accident, like the wasp ferry pilot who became a hero to my people and after whom I was named. Then there was your father, who discovered our location because I led him there; he then found his way back because he was blessed with his extraordinary sensory abilities."
Her mother once again pointed to the "fly speck". "That is where we will wait for some of my one-time Sisters to meet us."
"Why don't you just fly me and C-ko there, Mama?"
"This is the way your grandmother wants it done, baby. The first thing you must learn during your visit is that her word is law."
"Pretty stupid, if you ask me," said A-ko.
"I didn't ask you," said her mother in a harsh tone of voice as her temper flared. Calming down quickly, Diana went on to say, "But if you must know the reason why, I believe it has something to do with my returning home in more of a humble manner instead of arriving in triumph by flying there."
A-ko felt like saying something else about the way her mother was being treated. But remembering how much her grandmother Hippolyta still meant to her own mother, she thought the better part of valor was to hold her tongue. One look at her father, though, and A-ko was convinced he agreed with her about how stupid her grandmother's restrictions actually were.
The next day, A-ko found herself busy in her own room with some last -minute packing. A-ko had packed two heavy suitcases for her month -long stay with her grandmother. She reasoned it was better to be safe than sorry and not to forget anything. However, the real reason was to make sure she packed enough video games and books to help C-ko and her pass the time if the need arose.
She found herself daydreaming on the bed about ancient Greek myths, Amazons, and the grandmother she never knew. It was the sound of her mother's voice that disturbed her self-absorbed musings. "A-ko. your father has already left to pick up C-ko. Are you almost ready to go?" asked her mother.
"Be right down, Ma!" shouted the fourteen-year-old.
Picking up her suitcases, A-ko went into the hall. Spying her mother's own heavy cases stuffed with presents, she picked them up as well. Then - with a suitcase under each arm and another set in each hand - she vaulted the rail and jumped down into the living room. Only this time, just as she had been warned so many times before, A-ko went right through the living room floor with a crash.
She found herself sitting on her butt in the middle of the basement training room in a cloud of dust and splintered wood.
At the sound of the crash, her mother came running with a speed that the god Hermes would envy. When she reached the hole in the middle of her living room, she all but screamed, "A-KO!"
A-ko was too stunned to answer immediately. The fear of the moment was compounded by the fact that Diana couldn't see down into the hole. A-ko's mother drove her two fists into the floorboards and ripped out a section of the floor; she did this to enlarge the hole and to get to her daughter that much sooner.
A-ko was already attempting to stand, but was forced back down to the padded floor by her mother. "Stay down! I want to make sure you're all right first!"
She knelt at her daughter's side, using her hands as well as her eyes to go over her only child's body to make sure she wasn't seriously hurt. It appeared that the only damage done to her daughter was to her pride, to her clothes, and to her leg, where a deep gash on her shin was evident. Diana was also relieved to see that her baby's injury was already starting to heal.
A-ko's mother picked her up into her arms and, ignoring the damage and the mess, floated up through the hole in the living room floor.
Already, A-ko was doing her best to squirm out of her mother's arms. But only when she was finally satisfied that the girl was all right did Diana place her daughter's feet on the now-destroyed floor.
A-ko wasn't too surprised when her mother's sweet expression of concern changed to one of parental wrath that cowed the redheaded teenager. But it was what her mother told her that really upset A-ko. "Your father and I have told you over and over not to jump from the second-floor landing, but you wouldn't listen - and now you can see the result."
"I'm sorry, Mama. It was just an accident."
"No. Other girls your age might have accidents, but you have disasters. You can't afford or even be allowed to make the same mistakes other girls your age make. You're just too powerful, and will only become more so as you grow older. You have to learn to control your powers before they start to control you!"
"I said I was sorry," begged A-ko.
"It's time you learn that sorry doesn't always make things right. So, to help you remember, repairs for all this damage will be coming out of your allowance until it is paid for."
"That's not fair," yelled A-ko. "I only made a little hole! You're the one who ripped out half the floor!"
Seizing her daughter by her arm hard enough so that even A-ko felt the pain, A-ko stared in fear at her mother's wrath-filled face as she said, "You keep a civil tongue in your head, young lady! I'm not your father, and you're not so old that I can't still take you over my knee."
A-ko was taken aback by her mother's threat, and became even more so when her mother added, while pointing her finger under her nose, "You just remember this, young lady. If you're going to act like a child, then I will treat you like one."
A-ko wanted to mouth off and say something smart, but the look on her mother's face changed all of that. Instead, she just stood there and listened as her mother told her, "Now, get your little rear-end back upstairs. Get yourself cleaned up and changed."
"But all my clothes are either packed up or in the laundry! What should I wear?"
"Your school uniform is back from the dry cleaners. Put that on."
With that, A-ko stomped up the stairs and back to her room. When she reached the second-floor landing and was far enough away from her mother to get her courage back, she leaned over the rail and called down to her mother, "Maybe I will just stay with Grandma permanently!"
"As if she would have you," replied her mother, calling her daughter's bluff.
Even more frustrated by her mother's reaction, A-ko stormed back to her room. In slamming the door shut, she knocked it off its hinges and sent it falling to the floor with a crash.
"That's all right, dear," A-ko's mom called up sweetly from below. "We'll just add the cost of the door to your bill."
"Damn!" A-ko mumbled under her breath.
"I heard that," her mother called from downstairs. A-ko had forgotten that her mother might not have her father's hearing, but it was still far superior to that of any normal human being.
After she got cleaned up and dressed, A-ko sat on the edge of her bed and sulked. She went over in her head what the cost of the damage would be and that she wouldn't be seeing any of her allowance until she was around twenty-five years old or so. These thoughts just made her feel worse and even sorrier for herself, if that were possible.
As A-ko lay on her bed with her face to the wall, about thirty minutes later she heard a knock on the wall where her door should have been. "What do you want?" asked A-ko.
"May I come in?" asked her mother.
"There is no way I can stop you."
Diana floated over the door; then, when she landed, she bent over and picked up the door and leaned it against the wall. She sat on her daughter's bed and forced her up into a sitting position next to her. She held her close as A-ko rested her head on her mother's shoulder, and stroked her red hair as she spoke softly to her.
"Sometimes I think I am too hard on you, that I demand too much from you, or that I am a strict disciplinarian. But I do it because I know your father can't bring himself to do it. It is just not in him. But from him, you learn the most important things of all - the love, the kindness, and the gentleness with which I fell in love."
She wiped her daughter's tears with her sleeve before she went on. "It's those other things that fall upon me to teach you. I owe it to the world to teach you these things. But most of all, I owe it to you. So - I force myself to do it because I love you. Ever since the day I knew I was pregnant, I have loved you. But ever since the day I first felt you stir inside of me, I worried as well - worried about what you would become some day, or might become, without the guidance and discipline that I can offer you."
A-ko threw her arms around her mother tight as she told her, "I'm sorry, Mama - I didn't mean all that stuff about staying with Grandma on Themyscira."
"As if I ever believed you," said her mother with a smile.
A-ko began to smile again as her mother hugged her. She found even more reason to smile when her mother told her, "The floor was an accident. I picked up all the suitcases from the basement, including my own. So I guess the extra weight might have been the cause - " she quickly added, " - along with almost ten years of your playing paratrooper!"
"Yes, Mama."
"So I guess it wouldn't be fair to make you pay for all the damage, it being an accident and all. But that door was destroyed in a fit of temper, and that you will pay for - along with a new door frame and a new set of hinges."
"Yes, Mama," A-ko reluctantly agreed.
"Close as I can figure, it's going to cost your next three month's allowance."
Resigned to her fate and believing she got off cheaply, A-ko reluctantly agreed by nodding her head yes.
"Now go wash your face. Your father will be here soon with C-ko."
Standing up from the bed, A-ko watched as her mother made her way to the door. There, she paused just long enough to turn around and tell her daughter, "We will start deducting what you owe after you come back from visiting your grandmother. After all, what good is an allowance going to do you on Paradise island?"
A-ko opened her mouth to protest, but instead simply said, "Yes, Mama."
A little later, a surprised and shocked Man of Steel walked into what once was his living room. The only words he managed to get out of his mouth were, "What the - " before he was cut off by his wife. "Don't ask! You really don't want to know!"
He tried to speak again, but the man who could push the moon from its orbit remained silent simply because the woman he loved and shared his life with said, "Trust me. You really, really don't want to know!"
Dizzy as ever, C-ko said, "Gee!" as she spied the big hole in the middle of the living room floor. "I dido't know you were going to put in an indoor swimming pool!"
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It was hours later, and the Daitokujis were now at home. Hikaru was busily fretting over the damage to his building. Katie, his lawyer, was busily taking notes in preparation for the filing of a lawsuit against the Turner Broadcasting System.
"Lock and load, Hickypoo," she said, stuffing her papers into her briefcase. "Don't bust out bawling, sweetheart. We'll bleed that heartless so-and-so dry!"
"Oh, shut up, will you?"
The Outsider stood, chuckling. She loved to torment 01' Hickyroo Wackokuji. "Bye, my little Cygnettes. Keep 'em flying. Captain. Love your sunglasses." She walked to the door, and turned. "Oh, and Cap. My condolences."
"Thank you," she said distractedly. It seems that the Director of Development had survived, and was presently convalescing in the Junko Daitokuji Memorial Hospital.
But then again, he was an anime character -
The lawyer left. Captain looked up. "If I don't hear from the girls soon, Hikaru, I'm going out to your mother's house."
"No, you're not."
The alien paced around the room and then flopped onto the couch. Akana was on her lap in a flash.
"Hello, my little baby," she said, hugging the child tight. Then under her breath - so that only her Little Baby heard her - she murmured, "Oh, yes I am."
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"I hate them so much, Auntie. That brat Shiiko was bad enough, but now they're expecting another one. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in a bad dream."
"No kidding," the ice-blue haired woman sighed, taking a drag on her clove-flavored cig. "Another one? Mother will love that." Shinobu blew a stream of smoke out her nose - a trick she knew Biko appreciated, and continued. "Tss. Those Cygnans breed like field mice."
"Oh, they think they have to keep cranking them out to populate the 33 galaxies in the Cygnan kingdom. Like a Daitokuji is going to end up there anyway. Did you ever want kids, Auntie Shini?"
Shinobu guffawed, shooting twin contrails of cigarette smoke out her nostrils. "Now what in the name of God would I do with a rug rat, Biko?"
The girl had no answer. Her stepmother was a disaster, but at least she loved her daughters. She suspected she'd love her too, but that alien cow wasn't her mother. And she's never going to be, either -
"Well, honey. All you can do is try your best to ignore them. I can't think of any way of changing your father's mind. Marrying that awful creature despite all those memories of your beautiful mother!"
Biko crossed her arms tightly across her chest. "Like hell I'll ignore them. I want the Mansion and my father back. And - as you know - I generally get my own way."
"And you have since the cradle," Shinobu Daitokuji laughed, taking another sip of her martini. "Finish your salad, dear. We need to be running along."