So most of you prob know that the uk is in the middle of a heat wave and unfortunately I have had this chapter on my computer for about 3 weeks but because of the heat my computer crashed every time I tried to load it! So here it is finally and since my comp has decided to work I am taking full advantage of it and haven't sent it to my beta so I apologies for mistakes but I wanted to post as fast as I cud.
Hope you all enjoy….ch7 isn't far behind….. hopefully!
Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and liked so far…I appreciate all your feedback!
He had so many questions running through his head and he wasn't sure where to start. He knew pressing her for the answers wasn't going to get him anywhere and he knew if he asked straight out he would probably get kicked out of her apartment before he could finish his sentence. He hadn't realized that his thoughts had consumed him so entirely and he was already standing out side Lorelai's apartment. He was still trying to get the courage to press the bell when he heard a voice behind him.
"Hey…sorry were only just getting back. Someone wanted ice-cream!" he turned around to see a frantic looking Lorelai holding a very messy chocolate covered Libby who looked very proud of herself. The image made Jess smile and he looked back to Lorelai who was trying to balance Libby while attempting to find her keys. "Do you need some help?" Jess offered in his usual smug way causing Lorelai to rethink her plans for the night. Instead of snap judgments she gazed up so see a smiling, helpful expression on his face.
"Yeah thanks. Its just if I put her down after all that sugar she's going to run off…..and I don't think I'm going to be able to keep up with her." She confessed never taking her eyes off the hyper two year old wriggling in her arms. "Well that's what you get for giving a kid chocolate and sugar this late at night." Jess said talking the bag wrapped around Lorelai's arm to look for her keys.
"Yeah I keep forgetting she doesn't have my tolerance to sugar, I guess she gets that off her dad." Her expression dropped as she realized what she said hoping to God that Jess didn't notice her change in attitude when Libby's father was mentioned. Just don't give it away and it will be ok, you can do this Gilmore……be cool……be cool?….who the hell are you kidding you're a complete wreck…..oh my gods breathe. A silence fell over them and Jess managed to not only finds her keys but unlock the door before Lorelai could have a total meltdown in the middle of the street.
It wasn't long before they got into Lorelai's apartment; the conversation hadn't yet turned to the awkward topics both parties knew would come up sooner or later. She had told Jess to wait in the living room while she put Libby to bed; her sugar induced antics had soon died down once they had entered the apartment. Taking in his surrounding Jess looked at her home. It wasn't like her house in Stars Hollow, sure there were elements of Lorelai (like the monkey lamp) but it seemed almost serious. You could even have gone as far as saying that it didn't seem like the same person was living here. His eyes wondered around the room and finally settled on the few picture frames that were scattered on the mantel. There were seven in total and the majority of which contained photos of Lorelai with Libby on her birthdays or Christmas. He felt his heart sink when he noticed the lack of photos that showed Rory. But there it was hidden in the back, behind a photo of Libby on the beach smiling crazily into the camera. Rory with Lorelai, he had never seen this photo before. Lorelai couldn't have been much older that 20 and her and Rory were sitting on the bridge by the old Independence Inn. He smiled thinking about how happy they looked and thought that if Lorelai wanted to look back on times with her daughter those were probably the happiest.
He didn't notice that he wasn't alone in the room anymore and was still gazing at the photo in his hands smiling to himself. Lorelai didn't know what he was doing until she was standing almost next to him. Wanting to break the silence without drawing attention to the awkwardness in the room she decided to pick the safest topic she knew.
"So do you want some pizza?" she asked rather loudly making Jess jump and almost scaring herself. Jess nodded as if trying to shake himself from a dream like state and placed the photo back where he found it, turning around he was almost relieved to find that Lorelai had gone to the kitchen to get the food.
The evening had actually been enjoyable for the both of them. Lorelai felt comfortable around Jess. She didn't know why but for some reason she felt like she could really talk to him. Much to her surprise Jess had felt the exact same feeling towards Lorelai. He had told her what had happened within the four years they hadn't seen each other, moving in with his dad, moving away form his dad, getting a job he loved and felt like he could continue with and also about what him and Rory had spoken about. He tried to stay away from the subject of Luke as he had the sinking feeling that might have put a damper on the night's happy vibe. He also noticed that Lorelai didn't talk about anything that hadn't happened before Libby was born. She talked about work and of course Libby but that was it, it was the only conversation Jess had had with Lorelai where it as almost completely one sided. As the night drew on and the beer Lorelai provided was consumed the conversation began to move away from the topic of the past, Jess had finally got up enough courage to ask the question that had been burning in his mind since he saw her that morning.
"Can I ask you something? You might take offence too it but it's really something I need to know." Jess asked pealing the label off the bottle of beer in his hands, purposefully avoiding Lorelai's questioning gaze.
She knew what was coming and knew that was no way to avoid it. In a way she felt almost relieved that he was going to ask her, she felt as though she could tell Jess everything. It had been so long since she had spoken to someone who didn't think that 'Dora the Explorer' was the best person in the universe. Taking a beep breath to prepare herself she answered hesitantly. "Yeah….sure"
"Who is Libby's dad?" Jess asked bluntly, the question was blurted out so fast that he didn't think she had heard him.
"Who do you think her dad is?" now it was her turn to purposely avoid his surprised watchful eyes. Her reply was filled with sorrow and Jess could hear it. He knew the subject wouldn't be her favorite but he didn't purposefully want to upset her.
"I wouldn't know…I mean its been so long since I have seen you…. but that last time I saw you it looked like you and……" he hadn't really been thinking, more like thinking out loud and he soon realized where his conclusions had lead him. Luke.
He couldn't believe it, how could she take Luke's baby away from him? Does he even know about Libby? Why the hell would she take his kid? None of it made any sense and the longer it took to sink in the more questions he thought of. He was almost angry at her for doing it and it was none of his business. Although technically she was his cousin, so it was his business in a way. He looked over to where Lorelai was sitting, she had moved and now had her arms wrapped securely around her knees with her chin resting on her forearms. She looked innocent and guilty all at the same time and the only emotion Jess had at that moment was pity.
"Luke?" he didn't know why he asked he just wanted to make sure before he completely jumped to conclusions, for all he knew she could be Taylor's. That's not a nice thought.
He was still looking at Lorelai and waiting for her to respond. Her answer came as a shock to him, he expected her to deny it or maybe change the subject but with out a moment's hesitation she lifted her head looked him dead in the eye and answered "Yes"
He knew the answer was coming, it hadn't taken him much to figure out that Luke was her dad but it still took him by surprise and still wasn't sure how to deal with the new emotions he was experiencing. "So you're not even going to deny that you took his child away from him? That he doesn't know about that little girl?" his thoughts and actions were beginning to take on a life of there own and he was fighting franticly to gain control of them before he said something he shouldn't.
"Why would I lie to you? It's not worth it." Her eyes were case down guiltily toward the floor and it occurred to her she hadn't felt like this since she told her parents about Rory.
"Ok then if you have noting to hide or lie about tell me what happened. I have been here for hours and you haven't mentioned anything since before Libby was born. Now I know something happened and I want to know what it is." Jess knew he was getting dangerously close to Lorelai gaining her composure and kicking him out. Well if your gonna go out it should be with style. He was standing near Lorelai who still hadn't looked up, but was staring at the top of her head intently waiting for her reply.
"Your right something did happen but it's in the past and I don't talk about the past because ironically it's in the past….you can't change it. So just leave it alone I think I have made enough confessions for tonight" Jess was still looking at her waiting for an
explanation when the thing he was fearing happened.
"So that's it?….Your not even going to defend your self? You do realize that you look like the bad guy? What are you going to do when that little girl asks who her dad is? Do you know how hard it is growing up with out a dad? Do you know how hard it is knowing that he didn't want you? Did you even give him a choice? Because knowing Luke he would never have left you alone and pregnant with his child. I deserve to know what happened and if you don't tell me I'm going to tell Luke." He almost clapped his hands over his mouth once he was finished and his face probably showed more shock than Lorelai's who wasn't blinking. He knew it was going to happen and he really didn't want it to but once he started he couldn't really stop. Now it was his turn to feel guilty and he took his original seat next to Lorelai looking down at the floor in shame. In fact he was more shocked that she hadn't yelled at him yet, or maybe that was still to come and she was just taking in what he had just said. His realization was right.
"Do you think im proud of what I have done? Do you think it was easy to leave him…. No….wait….. Actually I didn't leave him he left me. Yep that's right THE Lukas Danes left me, I asked him flat out if he loved me and if he didn't I said I would leave and never come back. So thats what I did, do you think I was going to stay around and wait for him to move on or worse tell him about Libby and have him take me back. I couldn't stand knowing that the only reason he was with me was because he had a duty to his unborn child. He wasn't there for me, none of them were. Rory left, Luke left, my mum and dad abandoned me which you would think I would be used to but it hurt when they took Rory away from me. You have no idea what the hell I have been through. So don't you tell me you deserve to know because I don't owe you a damn thing. I don't owe anyone anything it's my life and I can do what I want." He was staring at the fuming woman in front of him and knew that there was still something she wasn't saying. He was just about to move his lips to ask his question when Lorelai's anger ridden voice cut through the apartment.
"Oh my God what do you want to hear? That I was depressed? That I couldn't live with out my daughter and the man that I loved? That I hadn't moved out of bed for a week? That I didn't eat for 4 days? That I tried to kill myself because it was so much easier that dealing with the emotional pain I couldn't feel?" Lorelai had now stood up and was now looming over Jess who looked dumfounded at Lorelai's confession and was still trying to comprehend what he had just heard. "Yes I Lorelai Gilmore, high and mighty independent woman tried to commit suicide three years ago today." Her rant finally over she sat back down on the sofa next to Jess who was still staring at the spot she had just occupied.
Jess wasn't sure how to react. He knew that things were bad with Lorelai and that she had defiantly changed but he couldn't even think about her wanting to kill herself. He thought about how much pain she much have actually been in to have done something like that and it actually made him was to give her a hug. He still hadn't moved and slowly moved his eyes so he was once again looking at Lorelai.
It hadn't occurred to him that he hadn't actually looked at Lorelai since he had seen her this morning. She was wearing a long sleeved top and it suddenly occurred to him that it was probably hotter inside than out and the reason why suddenly sank in deeper as each realization hit him. She had lost weight, Lorelai had always been slim considering the amount of food she ate but now after having a baby just two years ago she looked thinner.
"I don't know what to say….does anyone know?" he was looking at Lorelai intently and her head started to move as she answered his question, looking up to meet his glare of confusion.
"Sookie was the one who found me, it was only about 10 maybe 15 minutes since I had…… she's the only one who knows about Libby. I found out I was pregnant in hospital after that I went to therapy and moved out here. You have to understand I want to tell Luke and I want to tell Rory……god to see her would do…..but they left me…… how much do they think of me if it was so easy to do?" the pain she had holding back suddenly forced its way through and she could no longer hold back the tears she had been carrying around all day.
She pulled her knees up to her chest again and hid her tears from Jess. It wouldn't have taken a mastermind to figure out she was crying and Jess couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt for reducing her to tears. Without even thinking about the possible awkwardness that was about to come Jess moved closer to Lorelai and slung his arm around her shoulders gently gliding his hand up and down her left arm. He felt Lorelai tense when he started moving his arm but ignored it and carried on trying to sooth her the best he could.
He didn't know how long they had been like that but it must have been a while as Lorelai's tears had subsided and they were now sitting in silence on the couch, waiting for the other to break the silence. With out warning Jess stood up and moved to stand in front of Lorelai who up till that moment was avoiding looking at him. She looked up and followed him as he crouched down in front of her looking her directly in the eye, taking her hands gently in his. "I'm not going to pretend that I know what you went through because I have no idea. But on some level I understand why you haven't told Luke and Rory but you have to see that leaving it any longer will make it worse when the time comes. Do you really want to see Libby grow up without her dad and her big sister around?" Jess patiently waited for answer but didn't receive one. He frowned for a second at the terrified look on her face and then slowly followed the direction her eyes were cast.
She hadn't moved since Jess had stood up and she couldn't remember breathing either, she was petrified. No one had seen her scar except Libby who as to young to understand, the only time Sookie had seen it was three years ago today, and it wasn't a scar then. She wanted more than anything to tear her hand away from Jess's grip and lock her self in her bathroom until he went away, she felt ashamed. She was staring so intently at her wrist that she didn't notice that Jess had turned her hand over so her wrist was facing upwards.
Panic ran through her and she couldn't move. Tears began to pour down her cheeks again and this time she made no effort to cover them. Something in the back of her mind made her believe that if he saw it the pain from the last three years would melt away, and part of her believed it so much it wouldn't allow her to move. She snapped out of her thoughts just before Jess's hand reached her sleeve to pull it upwards. "Don't….please" Her words of protest were ignored and she felt powerless to what he was doing.
His actions stopped only for a second before he continued on his mission. He knew if she let him do this she would trust him and it would take everything he had not to betray her trust she's been through to much. He thought silently to himself. Reaching out he slowly pealed back her dark blue top and pushed it slightly up her forearm.
It felt as if her heart had stopped beating, if only for a second it wasn't a welcome feeling and she had only felt if once before on her life. Her eyes hadn't moved from there original position and if she had looked up she would have seen that hadn't even looked down to see he most shameful feature. His actions had stopped when her wrist was exposed; he was silently waiting for her to give him come reassurance that she was ok. She knew this and realized what he was doing. By showing her scar she was embracing what she and done, she hated to admit it but she was in denial about the whole thing. At times she even went as far to say it didn't happen, she would have believed it if it were for the more than obvious scar she carried around.
Embracing your fears were the only way to concur them, so that just what she did. With shaky hands she released her self from Jess's grip and slowly removed her watch. She looked up for the first time since she had admitted she had tried to kill herself and looked into Jess's eyes. She saw nothing but respect and faith. Without breaking there eye contact Lorelai reached out and pulled off each bracelet. She could feel the air on her wrist, a feeling which felt a bit alien at first and then looked down at her bare wrist for the first time in almost three years.
She didn't like looking at it, it reminded her of why she had done it and to be honest she was worried that she might go back to that state of mind if she thought about it to much. She had to embrace it as part of her past and move on, it was just a scar. All scars had stories behind them, it was just that this one had more of a colorful past than her others; for example the one on her elbow was from a school trip when she fell down a pot hole in the road, the stretch marks on her belly were from her children and she could point out which ones belonged to which girl. They all made up the different parts of Lorelai Gilmore and it was the first time in three years she could say she felt like her old self.