Rick and Morty Season 1, Episode 1
After Cosmo disappeared, tensions were still high in the Cosmic Theater. Most didn't trust each other in the slightest but after some wise words from Ozpin and Salem, they decided not to fight each other out of respect and fear for the godlike being that brought them to where they are. Though these weren't the only words spoken that night.
Ruby, Yang, Taiyang, Qrow, Zwei and Yang all had a big family reunion that involved lots of love and tears. Ruby and Yang regaled Yang on their tales on how they got to Beacon Academy and how their lives as huntresses in training are like, Taiyang felt a bit awkward about the situation and after a short talk they decided to take things slow while Qrow acted as if she was never dead and acted how he would usually act around Yang when they joust to be a team.
Raven watched them in envy and sadness but she put up a tough front and decided that it was best not to interact with Yang in any way, she went up to the elevator and to her, Vernal, Sienna and Adam's room with Vernal following. Adam had a brief exchange with Blake and both decided that talking to each other would only cause more harm than good. Sienna talked with Ghira and Kali for a while and even though the Belladonna's tried to convince her that her methods were causing more harm than good, Sienna stood strong and wouldn't let their talk deter her in any way.
Jaune, Saphron and Terra were glad to see each other once again and they also talked about a few things. This led to Jaune introducing his team to them and Saphron wrongfully assuming Nora was his girlfriend while Terra assumed Pyrrha was his girlfriend, the entire exchange was funny to say the least and even though Jaune managed to convince his sisters that he wasn't dating anyone, they both made a bet that they would either get Pyrrha or Nora to be his girlfriend.
Weiss, Winter, Whitley and Jacques had a very awkward exchange. Jacques tried to control his family once again but this time Weiss and Winter both stood against him and this led to a divide within the family with Weiss and Winter standing together against their father while Whitley stayed by his father's side but internally he was struggling on making the right choice.
Ozpin, Ironwood, Glynda, Dr. Oobleck and Professor Port both had a discussion on what to do about the situation and it eventually led to them being patient and waiting on what would unfold but being ready for anything that might happen. The same could be said for Salem and her council, they would bide their time and wait for what would unfold.
Cinder, Emerald, Mercury, Neo, Roman, Junior, Militia and Melanie were left to their own devices. Cinder was busy coming up with her next move, Emerald tried managed to steal Whitley, Jacques and Cardin's wallets with ease, Mercury and Roman both competed on who had the most swagger, Neo just chose to annoy Yang and it was working out well since the angry blonde chased her throughout the lobby, Junior decided to read a magazine that was on the empty secretary's desk, Militia and Melanie just sat down and talked with each other.
Team CVFY and team SSSN talked with each other on different topics with multiple failed attempts of flirtation from Sun and Neptune. Since everyone seemed to recognize one another, Oscar and Amber were left as the only unknowns. This led to Oscar and Amber forming a small friendship.
Though after so long, everyone decided to go to bed and to their different rooms, with their room orders being:
· Ruby, Weiss, Blake, Yang
· Jaune, Nora, Pyrrha, Ren
· Coco, Velvet, Fox, Yatsuhashi
· Cardin, Junior, Militia, Melanie
· Cinder, Mercury, Emerald, Roman
· Neo, Oscar, Amber, Yang
· Ozpin, Glynda, Oobleck, Port
· Winter, Ironwood, Penny, Whitley
· Sun, Sage, Scarlet, Neptune
· Salem, Hazel, Tyrian, Watts
· Raven, Vernal, Adam, Sienna
· Qrow, Taiyang, Zwei, Ghira
· Kali, Saphron, Terra, Adrien
Of course everyone was reluctant to follow these sleeping arrangements but the rules on a board next to the elevator stated that they should strictly follow them or face the consequences and so they did, albeit reluctantly.
~
The next day everyone woke up at about nine in the morning and headed up to the third floor for breakfast, they found a full buffet of breakfast waiting for them. Eggs, bacon, toast, chips, burgers, pancakes, waffles and juice. Everything was set up for them and it all looked and smelled delicious.
There was no time to waste as everyone literally rushed over and got their food, they all separated to separate desks in their respective groups and ate like there was no tomorrow. The teens all sat on one table, the adults all sat on their own table, the villains also sat on their own table.
They all talked and laughed while they ate until a green poof appeared in the center of the eating room. Cosmo flew out with his ever present grin. Some jumped in shock while others like Ruby, Nora, Yang and Neo flocked around the green haired fairy.
"Hi!!" Cosmo shouted as he waved.
Ruby giggled "Hi!"
"Hi Cosmo!" Nora shouted back.
"What's up little buddy." Yang said coolly.
'Hi!' Neo wrote.
"Where have you been?" Weiss asked.
"Hey, I have life too you know." Cosmo sassily replied.
Winter rolled her eyes "And you conveniently abducted us from ours."
"Uh…what?" Cosmo asked in confusion.
"She's saying that you kidnapped us." Emerald rephrased.
Cosmo processed that and just laughed "I wouldn't call it kidnapping; more like group therapy."
"Group therapy?" Ruby asked.
"Very big group therapy." Cosmo rephrased.
"Is he trying to say that there's something wrong with us?" Militia asked.
"No, that'd be crazy." Melanie answered.
"Right! And nobody's crazy here!" Tyrian cut in as he looked between them.
They looked at each other and walked away from him as he laughed.
"Ok! You guys ready?" Cosmo asked.
"What are we doing exactly?" Taiyang asked.
"It's easier to show you." Cosmo answered as he floated to the elevator and opened it. "Let's go."
"Right, team RWBY!! Let's go!" Ruby shouted as she ran into the elevator.
"I'm already regretting this." Weiss said as she groaned while walking to the elevator.
"Chill out Ice princess, this is gonna be cool." Yang said as she laughed also going into the elevator with Raven giggling in the background.
Blake groaned as she also entered the elevator "Yang, just no."
Cosmo noticed that everybody else stayed behind and looked at them in confusion.
"Hey, what gives!?" Cosmo asked.
"We're waiting for them to go up then the next group." Glynda answered.
"Well that's gonna take too long." Cosmo said.
Roman shrugged "It's a small elevator."
"Nah, you'll fit." Cosmo said as he waved his wand and poofed everyone into the elevator.
Everyone was screaming, groaning and complaining about the cramped space while the elevator doors closed.
"Ow, ow, ow!" Ruby shouted.
"This is very uncomfortable." Ozpin voiced out.
"You think!?" Salem shouted.
"Whoever's hand is on my ass is losing it!" Cinder shouted.
"That's where my hand is!?" Qrow shouted.
"At least your face isn't in front of some dude's crotch!" Roman yelled.
"This isn't a party for me either man!!" Sun shouted.
"Mr. Arc you better not move!" Glynda shouted as she was chest to chest with Jaune.
"Yeah kid, this is already as uncomfortable as it is." Raven said as her chest was squished with Jaune's back.
"I-I-I'll try not to…" Jaune quickly said as he was completely red with steam coming out of his ears.
"You go Jaune!" Saphron cheered.
"Isn't this fun?" Cosmo as he floated above them.
"No!!!" Most shouted.
"Yes!" Qrow shouted in glee.
"I'm gonna kill you Branwen!" Cinder shouted.
The elevator finally dinged and everyone piled out of it as if a dam burst open, Cosmo just floated out as whistled the 'Fairly Odd Parents' theme song. They all got up and were flabbergasted at the sight before them. It was a large room with a counter full of popcorn buckets, drinks, candy and toys. There was a red carpet that led to a large door that Cosmo floated in front of.
"Whoa!" Nora said.
"It's like we're going to see a movie or something." Neptune said.
"Kinda." Cosmo commented.
Jacques scoffed as he looked at how amazed his son was "Please, I can have an exact replica of this room built in one day."
"Really? Took me one minute." Cosmo said as he shrugged.
Most stifled a laugh at the obvious burn that was inflicted onto Jacques, even Whitley tried not to laugh. Jacques glared at the fairy with disdain.
"Grab a bucket, drink and some candy and head on inside." Cosmo said as the doors slammed open, revealing a dark corridor.
Everyone was skeptical at first until Ruby did what Cosmo said and headed for the room.
"Ruby!" Yang and Yang shouted in worry.
"Relax, if he wanted to kill us don't you think he would've so already?" Ruby asked as she walked into the room.
They looked at each other then looked back at the door.
Roman stepped forward "I don't know about you guys but I'm not about to get shown up by a 15-year-old."
Soon everyone followed and did what Cosmo ordered as they entered the theater room with Cosmo closing the door behind them.
~
As soon as they reached the end of the dark hallway, they saw a giant screen with a lot of chairs facing it, Ruby sat on one of the chairs in the middle.
"Sit close to each other, I don't want people talking to each other from across the room." Cosmo said as he poofed them to the area where Ruby was sitting as he floated to the back seat.
"I'm never gonna get used to that." Hazel said.
"Tell me about it." Port said as he coughed.
"So what are watching Cosmo?" Ozpin asked.
Cosmo poofed in front and turned his wand into a remote with a star in front of it.
"I thought I'd start us off with a bang and look into the adventures of a mad scientist and his assistant." Cosmo said.
"A mad scientist? Sounds a lot like you Watts." Hazel said.
"Well he did say we're going to see different versions of us." Oscar said.
Cardin scoffed "I'll believe it when I see it."
And with that Cosmo started the first clip of their long reaction.
[Open to Ruby's room]
"Hey Rubes that's you!" Yang shouted as she pointed at the screen.
"Oh my Oum!" Summer said.
"Guess he wasn't lying." Ironwood commented.
Cosmo poofed next to him and ate some of his popcorn "Of course I wasn't; I don't do lying…most of the time."
Qrow: (stumbles in drunkenly, and turns on the lights)Ruby! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.
"Uncle Qrow!!" Ruby shouted.
"At least I'll be one of the first ones in these things." Qrow said with a smirk.
"I see another version of you has kept up your alcoholic tendencies." Winter said dully.
"They're not alcoholic tendencies, they're my coping mechanisms to the mundane and horrific realities of life." Qrow answered as he chuckled and took a big swig of his flask.
"Is he okay?" Vernal asked Raven.
"Define okay?" Raven asked as she face-palmed.
Ruby: (rubs her eyes)What, Qrow? What's going on?
Qrow:I got a surprise for you, Ruby.
Ruby:It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about?
Qrow: (spills alcohol on Ruby's bed)Come on, I got a surprise for you. (drags Ruby by the ankle)Come on, hurry up. (pulls Ruby out of her bed and into the hall)
Ruby:Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard!
"What the hell Qrow!?" Taiyang asked his best friend.
"Why would you do that!?" Summer asked.
"I don't know, but it's clear that I'm wasted." Qrow defended.
"So what? You kidnap kids when you're drunk?" Emerald asked as Mercury laughed.
"Of course not!" Qrow shouted in disgust.
"I would believe you but we clearly saw you just do that." Sienna said.
"You better not be doing something you might regret Qrow." Yang warned.
"It's okay uncle Qrow, I trust you." Ruby said.
"Somehow those words don't make me feel any better." Qrow muttered.
Qrow:We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Ruby.
[Cut to Qrow's ship]
"Well that's a sight to see." Oobleck professed in intrigue.
"This isn't an Airship it's too small to be one." Port said.
"Whatever it is, it's cool." Nora said as she wanted to ride it.
Qrow: (Qrow drives through the night sky)What do you think of this... flying vehicle, Ruby? I built it outta stuff I found in the garage.
"Wait, you built that thing!?" Glynda asked in surprise.
"What're you so surprised about, I have many hidden talents." Qrow said confidently.
"Oh they're hidden alright. Deep, deep, deep." Raven said as Qrow glared at her.
"I forgot how annoying you were." Qrow said.
"I'm the annoying one? Yeah right, look in a mirror pal." Raven retorted.
"They bicker like children." Salem said with a sigh.
"Siblings, what're you gonna do?" Yang said as she shrugged.
Ruby:Yeah, Qrow... I-it's great. Is this the surprise?
Qrow:Ruby. I had to... I had to do it. I had— I had to— I had to make a bomb, Ruby. I had to create a bomb.
Ruby:What?! A bomb?!
Some were shocked while most were surprised at this.
"A bomb!!?" Taiyang shouted.
"Why would you build a bomb!?" Weiss exclaimed.
"Better question, how did you of all people build a bomb!?" Winter shouted.
"I'll have you know that I got and A- in mechanisms back in Beacon." Qrow said.
"And a D in science, so that means you can't build a bomb." Raven said.
"Screw you! Science is hard!" Qrow shouted.
"Not for this Qrow, he's the smartest man that has ever lived." Cosmo said.
"Smarter than Professor Ozpin?" Jaune asked skeptically.
"Smarter than everybody." Cosmo said.
Some were impressed but others were still skeptical.
"Impressive." Ozpin said.
Winter scoffed "Doubt it."
Qrow:We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Ruby. Create a whole fresh start.
"Are you insane!?" Saphron shouted.
"Hey blame other me, not me!" Qrow exclaimed.
Ruby:T-t-that's absolutely crazy!
"Tell him Ruby!" Weiss said in shock at the absurdity.
Qrow:Come on, Ruby. Just take it easy, Ruby. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Blake.
Ruby:Blake? From my math class?
"Blake?" Ruby said in confusion.
"What would you and your crazy uncle want with me?" Blake asked.
"What are you planning on doing with my daughter Branwen?" Ghira asked protectively.
"I think I have an idea." Emerald said with a smirk.
Mercury chuckled "Well he did say that he was gonna create a whole fresh start."
"Oh…Oh my." Kali said as she realized what they meant and she smirked at her daughter.
"But how would that work?" Cardin asked.
Qrow: (puts an arm around Ruby's shoulders)When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.
Ruby:Ohh...
Qrow:And Blake's gonna be Eve.
Ruby:Whhhh-wha?
"Oh Oum!" Blake exclaimed as she blushed red.
Ruby's face was as red as her cape as she barely mumbled some words out "Uh…okay...uhm…yeah….um…uh…"
"Well It is unexpected but I'm okay with it." Kali said happily.
"I didn't know my little sister had it in her~" Yang said as she wrapped her arm around Ruby with a sly smirk.
"Yang!!" Ruby complained with a pout.
Qrow:And so that's the surprise, Ruby.
Ruby:No, you can't! (shoves Qrow away)Blake doesn't even know I exist! But—but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!
"Exactly!" Winter shouted right in Qrow's ear.
"A little louder why don't ya? I can still hear a little bit of sound." Qrow retorted sarcastically as he put his finger in his ear.
"Is Blake like popular? Because Ruby said it like how Jaune acts around Weiss?" Nora asked.
"Hey!" Weiss shouted.
Blake looked at Ruby apologetically "I'm sorry Ruby."
"It's okay, I mean it's a different universe right?" Ruby asked with a smile.
Blake smiled "Yeah."
Yang suddenly engulfed Weiss, Blake and Ruby in a group hug.
"And that's why we're an awesome team!" Yang said.
"YANG!!" Ruby shouted.
"Release me this instant you blonde buffoon!" Weiss yelled.
Blake just giggled not noticing the smile from Ghira and Kali.
Qrow:I-I get what you're trying to say, Ruby. Listen, I'm not... (spills alcohol down his shirt)You don't got... Y-you don't gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Blake or mess around with Blake or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Ruby.
"God I hope not…" Qrow muttered as he tried to ignore the curious glances from everyone.
"At least he's honest." Ruby defended with a shrug.
"He's drunk!" Winter shouted.
"Stay away from my daughter Branwen." Ghira threatened with a growl.
"Hey man I don't want her!" Qrow defended.
"You better not." Adam growled.
Ruby:What are you talking about, Qrow?
Qrow:You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Blake or anything. Sh-sh-she— she, she, she's all for you, Ruby.
"You know for someone who's not interested, you're really defending yourself a lot." Cosmo commented.
"I'm not a goddamn pedophile!" Qrow yelled.
"Calm down drunk," Winter said as she grabbed his hand "He's just teasing you, idiot."
Qrow looked at her and calmed down "Whatever…"
Glynda and Ozpin looked at the two and chuckled while Raven smirked.
'A woman like her can keep you in line birdbrain.' Raven thought as she shook her head.
Ruby:I don't care about Blake! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou—
Qrow:You know what, Ruby? You're right. (throws empty bottle into the backseat)Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. (presses a button)
"That was fast." Ren commented.
"You know you should probably take this advice to heart." Vernal said to Adam.
"Screw you." Adam said.
"You know this hurt my feelings a little." Blake said with a pout.
"It's okay, they don't know what they're talking about." Ilia comforted.
Robot Voice:Arming neutrino bomb.
"He's serious!?" The students exclaimed.
"Oh this drunk idiot!" Roman shouted.
"Why the hell would you wipe out humanity!?" Salem shouted.
Ozpin looked at her shocked "Could she-"
"That's my job!!" Salem continued.
Ozpin drank his coffee as tears streamed down his face.
"I think I'm starting to hate this universe." Qrow said.
Ruby: (unbuckles her seatbelt)That's it... that's it, Qrow. I'm taking the wheel. (jumps up on Qrow and starts fighting with him over control of the wheel)
"You really think it's safe to fight each other in the air." Jaune asked.
"With a bomb in the car too!" Weiss yelled.
Ruby didn't answer as she looked the other way and whistled while Qrow kept on drinking.
"Don't ignore us!" Weiss and Jaune yelled.
Qrow:Get off of me, Ruby! (they begin to talk over each other)
Ruby:I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! (starts kicking Qrow's face while grabbing the wheel)I'm put—I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin'... I-I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!
Qrow: (at the same time)Come on! What's gotten into you? If you love Remnant so much why don't you marry it? (pushes Ruby)What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Ruby. (pushes Ruby off of him)
Some laughed at the two's antics.
"Dumb person, really?" Yang asked.
"Yeah I mean you could've said-" Mercury was about to say but Emerald covered his mouth.
"There's a baby in here dummy!" Emerald whispered.
Mercury looked at Adrien and hummed then nodded at Emerald who let go of him.
"C'mon Ruby! Save the world from birdbrain over here!" Summer shouted.
"Hey!" Qrow complained.
Qrow:Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I'll land the thing. Big tough girl all of a sudden.
Most were relieved to hear that while Roman laughed at the two.
"These two are hilarious." Roman said as Neo nodded enthusiastically.
[Cut to desert]
Qrow: (Qrow lands the cruiser in an open desert; he opens the door and tumbles out among dozens of empty alcohol cans and bottles)We'll park it right here, Ruby. Right here on the side of the ree... road here.
"Oh sure, definitely not a drunkard." Winter said as she glared at Qrow.
"Okay maybe I do take it a little too far sometimes." Qrow admitted with an eye roll.
Ruby:Oh, thank Oum.
Qrow:You know what? That was all a test, Ruby. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.
Cinder rolled her eyes "Sure it was."
Ruby:It was?
Qrow:Sure. Why not? I don't, I don't know. Y-you know what, Ru— (falls asleep and begins snoring)
Taiyang face-palmed "I'm never gonna let you babysit."
"Good choice." Qrow said.
Robot Voice:Neutrino bomb armed.
Ruby:Um...
"Crud!" Nora and Yang exclaimed.
[Open to Xiao Long/Smith/Branwen residence, dining room]
Taiyang:I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? (Ruby falls asleep at the table, smashing her face into her plate)
Yang:Oh my Oum, her head is in her food. I'm going to puke.
"Why am I talking like that?" Yang asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Don't act innocent, you were like this when you were 13 young lady!" Taiyang said with a slight glare.
"Yeah but that was just a phase." Yang said as she waved him off.
Ruby rolled her eyes "An annoying phase."
Raven:Ruby, are you getting sick? (Ruby lifts her head, clearly exhausted, and wipes food from her face) I told you not to practice-kiss the living room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.
"Eww!" Most exclaimed as Ruby blushed.
"I don't kiss the living room pillow." Ruby defended, she kissed her own pillow.
Ruby:I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.
Yang:Or maybe you were out all night again with Grandpa Qrow.
"What?" Taiyang said with wide eyes.
"What did she just say?" Qrow asked in shock.
"Grandpa Qrow!?" Raven yelled "AS IN FATHER OF YOUR FATHER QROW!?"
"He's actually your dad." Cosmo added which broke Raven.
Qrow burst out in laughter as Raven let out an ear-piercing scream.
"This really is an alternate universe!" Summer shouted as her ears were still ringing.
Taiyang:What?
Raven:Dad?
"Don't call him that!!" Raven shouted while Qrow enjoyed every second of her misery.
Qrow:What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?
Taiyang:Damn it!
Raven:Taiyang!
Taiyang:Raven!
"So you two seem to be having a problem." Kali said as she noticed the rift between them.
"There's always been problems." Taiyang muttered with a sigh.
Yang:Oh my Oum, my parents are so loud, I want to die.
"Oum I hated this phase!" Ruby groaned.
"Hey I had to put up with your, "Everyting is pain, life is meaningless without cookies." Phase." Yang said with her hands on her hips.
"At least I didn't stare at my scroll all day!" Ruby arued.
"No, you just wrote poetry in a diary!" Yang jabbed.
"This is some juicy blackmail right here." Sun said as he chuckled.
"Yeah." Jaune said.
Qrow:Mm, there is no Oum, Yang. You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.
"Understandable a genius scientist like him doesn't care for religion." Yatsuhashi said.
Taiyang: (glaring at Qrow)Okay, with all due respect, Qrow— what am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my daughter supposed to pass her classes if you keep dragging her off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole?
Qrow:Listen, Taiyang. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something—tell you how I feel about school, Taiyang. It's a waste of time. (Taiyang stares incredulously at him)Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Taiyang. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. (wipes his mouth and gets up, stopping behind Raven and putting a hand on her shoulder)This was a good breakfast, Raven. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them. (Qrow gives Raven a kiss and walks away)
"You know what! He's right!" Ruby said as she stood up "I'm taking a stand here and no-"
"Sit down!" Glynda and Summer shouted as Ruby immediately sat down.
"Congratulations, you win the award for the shortest revolution ever." Militia said.
"It will forever be told to nobody." Melanie said.
Raven: (tears up in happiness)Oh, dad…
"You believed him!?" Raven shouted as she was disgusted with herself.
Taiyang:What? For real? (Ruby's face slams into her plate again)
[Cut to Ext. Beacon Academy]
Professor Port: Alright, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows!
[Cut to Int. Professor Port's class]
Professor Port: Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math? And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in. Two plus two.
"Seriously?" Yang asked.
"What is this? Kindergarten?" Nora exclaimed.
All classmates except Ruby:Four. (Ruby, sitting in the back row, stares at Blake, who sits in the front row, answering Blake's name for the questions)
Ruby: Blake.
Ruby blushed as Blake rose an eyebrow, trying to hide the blush from forming on her cheeks.
"Aww, adorable!" Kali cooed.
"She really is." Summer cooed as well.
"I'd call it creepy, but hey. What do I know?" Saphron said as Terra elbowed her in the gut.
"Be nice will ya?" Terra said with a glare.
"Sorry." Saphron apologized as Jaune leaned in to her ear.
"Whipped." He whispered as she started choking him.
Professor Port: Five plus five.
"Port we're gonna need to talk about your teaching methods." Glynda said with a glare.
Port gulped as he looked at Ozpin "Sir?"
"None of my business, Port but you do have my sympathies." Ozpin said as he sipped on his coffee.
All classmates except Ruby: Ten.
Ruby: Blake. (Blake hears Ruby and looks back, confused, not sure who's saying her name)
Professor Port: Okay, good. It's time for the quiz.
Class: Awwwwww.
Professor Port: Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room. (Ruby stares at the quiz; the numbers on the quiz jumble together as Ruby falls asleep)There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. (Ruby falls into a dream world filled with large number-shaped blocks; Blake steps out from behind some of the numbers)
Blake groaned "Why Ruby, why!?"
Blake: Hi, Ruby.
Ruby: Whoa! Hi, Blake.
Blake: Can I show these to you? (Blake opens her shirt, showing Ruby her breasts)
Everyone jaw dropped in shock as Ghira spit his drink out.
"Holy mama!" Yang exclaimed.
"WHAT AM I DOING!?" Blake yelled as she covered her chest in shock.
"Ruby must be dreaming all of this up, nice Ruby." Sun said as he leaned in towards the screen.
"Oh my~" Kali said with a blush and a smirk.
"AWOO!!" Zwei howled.
Ruby: Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you!
Blake: You know what I named these? My little Rubies.
"That's a terrible name!" Emerald exclaimed.
"Why would she name them in the first place!?" Weiss yelled with a blush.
"What kind of dreams do you have at night Rubes?" Yang asked as Ruby put on her hood and squeaked.
Ruby: (rubs the back of her neck)Uh, that's flattering... and a little weird.
Blake: Do you know what I want you to do with them?
Ruby: Rename them?
"Ha!" Coco laughed.
Blake: Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers.
The guys crossed their legs as they all blushed and even some girls.
"Proceed." Sun said with a smile.
"GIVE THEM THE BUSINESS RED!! DO IT NOW!!" Roman shouted desperately.
Ruby: Wow. Well, okay, Blake. L-let's give this a shot. (Ruby grabs her breasts and starts fondling her)
Blake: Mm. Oh, Ruby. What are you doing to me?
"Whatever it is, don't stop." Mercury said with a smirk.
Ruby: Uh, I-I'm just doing my best. (in real life, class has ended and Ruby is fondling Professor Port)
Professor Port: Ruby! What are you doing to me?!
"OH GOD!!!!" Roman shouted as he fell out of his seat, some guys almost puked at this sudden change.
"Oh dear…" Port said.
"Oh come on!" Ruby shouted as Yang and the teens were laughing except for Blake.
Ruby: (sleep-talking)Ah, Blake.
Professor Port:Ruby!
Ruby:Blake.
Professor Port:Five more minutes of this, and I'm gonna get mad. (leans back and bites his lip)
"Why are you enjoying this!?" Winter exclaimed as Port blushed.
"Adults are weird." Ruby said as she shook her head with her eyes closed.
Ruby:Bl-Blake. Blake.
Professor Port: Not my fault this is happening.
[Cut to hallway]
Cardin: (Ruby is at her locker, where she is confronted by a bully, Cardin Winchester)Well, well, well.
"Ah geez." Jaune, Ruby and Yang said as they rolled their eyes.
Ruby:Uh, morning, Cardin.
Cardin: (pins Ruby to her locker)"Morning"? What was what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? (takes out a pocket knife and points it at Ruby's neck)
Some gasped at this.
"Mr. Winchester!" Glynda shouted.
"Better put the knife down kid or we're gonna start having problems." Qrow threatened as he glared at Cardin who gulped in fear.
Yang's eyes turned red along with Raven's as they glared at him angrily.
Ruby:Oh, geez, Cardin. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.
Cardin:You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Ruby and now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. (Cardin suddenly freezes and Qrow steps out from behind him)
This surprised a few and some were relieved to see this.
Qrow:There you are, Ruby. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands.
"Thanks Qrow." Summer said as Qrow winked at her.
Ruby:Oh, geez, Qrow. W-w-what'd you do to Cardin?
Qrow:It's pretty obvious, Ruby. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Ruby. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business. (burps)It's important. Come on, Ruby.
Ruby:I don't know, Qrow. I can't leave school again.
Qrow:Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Ruby? What do you think I can just do it all by myself? Come on!
Ruby:Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip history. What about Cardin? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?
"Who cares?" Yang said with a shrug.
"I'm right here." Cardin whimpered.
"So?" Yang asked with a red-eyed glare and fiery eyes.
Cardin screamed and turned away "Nothing!"
"I'm so proud of you." Raven said as she hugged her daughter.
Qrow:I'll do it later, Ruby. He'll be fine. Let's go. (takes off with Ruby and then Yang comes by, seeing Cardin's frozen body)
Yang (in her head):Oh, my God. I'm about to walk past Cardin Winchester. This is the story we'll be telling our children. (walks up to Cardin and talks to him, oblivious to the fact that he's frozen
Yang grabbed her bucket of popcorn and literally puked in disgust.
"Oh man…that was the most disgusting sentence that ever came out of my head." Yang said as she puked again which didn't help Cardin's confidence.
Yang:Hi, Cardin. (Cardin's frozen foot breaks and he drops to the ground and shatters into a million pieces, dying)
Yang:AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!
Jaune tried his hardest not to laugh even though it was completely messed up but he just wanted to laugh so hard.
"So he's dead." Mercury said as Tyrian cheered.
"I like this Qrow Branwen, he knows what he wants." Salem said.
[Cut to horse hospital]
Raven: (performing heart surgery on a horse)Scalpel.
"Is she giving surgery to a horse?" Glynda asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Horses might need surgeons too." Nora said with a shrug.
Davin:Scalpel. (Taiyang enters the room)
Taiyang:Knock, knock.
Raven:Taiyang?
Taiyang:My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "hey, why not swing by where your wife works?" (The beeping from the medical equipment speeds up)
Tom: (offscreen)We're losing him. (Raven adjusts the horse's organs)
Tom: (offscreen)Okay, he's back.
Raven:Taiyang, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.
Taiyang:Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one of three meals that have existed for millennia. (the beeping speeds up again)
"Not good enough, leave!" Vernal said.
"You get me." Raven said with a smile as Taiyang had puppy dog eyes.
Tom: (offscreen)Losing him. (Raven adjusts the organs again)
Tom: (offscreen)Stabilized.
Raven:Okay, I only ask, Taiyang, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery.
Taiyang:Well, yeah, on horses.
Raven:Excuse me?
"These two better get a divorce because this marriage is just falling apart." Salem said "I would know."
"Maybe they are still together because of the kids." Summer suggested.
"That must be it."
Taiyang:Okay, Let's not rehash that fight. I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. (drops a pamphlet on the ground)
Taiyang:Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea bad pitch let's put your dad here. Let's put your dad in a nursing home. (Raven looks at Taiyang angrily and the equipment starts beeping faster again)
Tom: (offscreen)We're losing him.
Raven:Hey, Tom! We know when we're losing him. WE CAN HEAR THE BEEPS!
"Take a chill pill, will ya?" Adam said then got met with Raven's glare as he smiled nervously "Or not, you can do whatever you want."
[Cut to alleyway]
Qrow:There she is. All right. Come on, Ruby. Let's go.
Ruby:Oh, geez, okay. (Qrow and Ruby go through the portal and end up in a crazy alternate dimension)
"Amazing!" Watts said as he was intruiged by the portal and started writing notes on the portal gun.
"He created a dimension portal!?" Ironwood said in shock.
"Brilliant!" Oobleck exclaimed.
Ruby:Oh, man, Qrow. What is this place?
"Wow! It's amazing!" Ruby said as everyone looked on in awe and wonder.
"This is beautiful!" Weiss stated as everyone nodded at the new weird and wonderful world.
Qrow:It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Ruby, called a Mega Tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega Seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Ruby.
Ruby:Oh, man, Qrow. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
Qrow:All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Ruby. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Ruby, we're gonna be— (a gigantic alien monster suddenly appears behind them)
Qrow:HOLY CRAP, RUBY RUN!!! (they take off, running in complete and total fear as the monster chases them)
Qrow:I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Ruby! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Ruby!
Some laughed at that scene while a few got ticked off by it.
"You are the worst grandfather I have ever seen!" Summer yelled.
"I'd prefer being an uncle any day." Qrow said with a sigh.
"Typical of you to turn tail and run." Winter said as she clicked her tongue.
"Bite me Ice Queen." Qrow said as he rolled his eyes.
[Cut to black]
Qrow: (having apparently escaped, they are walking through Dimension 35-C, continuing their adventure)Oh, Ruby, take a deep breath. Breathe that breathe that fresh air in, Ruby. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Ruby. That's that's the smell of-of-of-of a whole different evolutionary timeline.
Ruby:All right, Qrow, look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now?
Qrow:Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. (a weird looking monster is seen cooing and rolling around on the ground)What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? (offscreen)Look at it just lumbering around. (onscreen)It defies all logic, that thing.
"Why would you wanna go back to school when you're having this awesome adventure!" Nora exclaimed with starry eyes.
"Right!" Yang said.
Ruby:Yeah, Qrow, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind of the reason why I want to leave. (they come up to a cliff and Qrow stops her there)
Qrow:Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Ruby, you see this? (he and Ruby are looking down upon a vast forest of interdimensional trees)
Qrow:You see what we just stumbled upon, Ruby? Any idea what that is down there?
Ruby:The mega trees?
Qrow:That's right, Ruby the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Ruby. That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school.
Ruby:All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?
Qrow:You ask a lot of questions, Ruby. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an (burps)under- (burps)underfoot figure. (Qrow gives Ruby a pair of shoes and Ruby proceeds to put them on)
Qrow:Just take these shoes, Ruby. They're (burps)special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Ruby up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.
"Interesting." Watts said as he continued writing.
"That could be very useful." Ironwood said as Winter wrote the designs down.
"Gravity defying shoes sound amazing!" Blake said.
Ruby: (walks off the cliff and plummets to the ground, screaming and smashing into rocks)AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!
"RUBY!!" The adults, teachers and students shouted.
Qrow:You have to turn them on, Ruby! The shoes have to be turned on!
[Cut to hospital]
Raven:I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret?
Taiyang:I told you I was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our daughter.
Davin:Everything cool in here, Raven?
Raven:It's fine, Davin.
Davin:Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today. There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse. (Taiyang closes the door on Davin)
Taiyang:Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.
"Geez dude!" Junior said with wide eyes.
Taiyang rolled his eyes but internally he was raging and wanted to punch that Davin guy in the face.
Raven:Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Ruby was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Qrow having is that, for the first time in his life, Ruby has a friend. (the phone starts ringing)
Taiyang: (sighs)Well, maybe you're right.
Raven:Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. I'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon?
Taiyang: (coughs)Ahem, Horse heart surgeon. (Raven answers the phone and gets a call from Ruby's principal, Ozpin)
Headmaster Ozpin:Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Headmaster Ozpin, no relation. I wonder if you and Ruby's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?
Taiyang smirked at Raven who narrowed her eyes.
"Not a word." Raven growled.
[Cut to Dimension 35-C]
Qrow: (standing by Ruby, who is lying on the ground with her legs broken)Ruby, oh, you really d-did a number on (offscreen)your legs right now. You know, you got to turn (onscreen)the shoes on, Ruby, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze.
"HELP HER!!" Most yelled as they hated seeing Ruby in pain.
Ruby:I'm in a lot of pain, Qrow!
Qrow:Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me (burps)collect my seeds, Ruby?
"I SWEAR TO OUM QROW!!" Summer shouted as her eyes glowed briefly.
Ruby:Are you kidding me?! That's it, Qrow! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Salem, but-but even Salem cared about Grimm or something.
Qrow:Okay, hold on just a second, Ruby. (opens another portal and leaves Ruby behind, lying on the ground to suffer for a few seconds)
"How long do we have to look at this?" Terra asked as she covered Adrien's eyes
Ruby:Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Hnngh! Hoo! Ooh! Ohh! Aaaaagh! Oooooh! (Qrow finally returns and injects Ruby's legs with medicine, healing them to perfection)
They let out a relieved sigh as Taiyang gave Qrow a hard punch on the shoulder.
"Ow!" Qrow yelled.
"That's for letting my daughter suffer." Taiyang said.
"Tai I didn't do it." Qrow defended.
"Yeah but I can't hit other you now can I?" Taiyang asked as Qrow grumbled.
"I wonder what kind of medicine that is?" Qrow asked.
"It could help a lot of people." Glynda said.
Ruby:Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Qrow. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.
Qrow:Don't worry about it, Ruby. Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?
Ruby:Sure thing, Qrow. (goes up the tree and gets the Mega Fruit while Qrow talks to him)
Qrow:Not that you asked, Ruby, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. (offscreen)The stuff was all over the place, Ruby.
"Sure…" Winter said as she rolled her eyes.
Ruby:Wow, that's pretty crazy, Qrow.
Qrow:There's just one problem, Ruby one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that (burps)they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Ruby, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Ruby. (burps)It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Ruby, and they-they-they— they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device it's got no charge left,
"Adam poop! You were wasting it!" Winter shouted.
"What if I'm telling the truth!?" Qrow asked.
"From what I've seen from your other self, I highly doubt that." Summer said with a disappointed sigh.
Ruby. It's got no charge left.
Ruby:What?!
Qrow:It's as good as garbage, Ruby. It's not gonna work anymore, Ruby.
Ruby:Oh, geez, Qrow, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?
Qrow:There's ways to get back home, Ruby. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.
Ruby:Uh-oh.
Qrow:When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Ruby.
The room was silent as Cosmo laughed out loud and a few joined in.
"What!?" Summer growled.
"NO!" Ruby shouted "Nothing is going anywhere near my butt!!"
"That is literally what she said." Mercury laughed.
"Butt Ruby, I know it's dangerous butt you have to do it." Yang laughed.
"I'll kill you!!" Taiyang shouted as he strangled Qrow angrily.
Ruby:In my butt?
Qrow:Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
"This is the greatest thing I have ever seen!" Jaune laughed as the rest laughed while Summer and Ruby shouted at a strangulated Qrow.
Ruby:Oh, geez, Qrow. I really don't want to have to do that.
Qrow:Well, somebody's got to do it, Ruby. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Ruby
Ruby:Uuuh.
Qrow:And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Ruby. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Ruby. Y- (burps)you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
Ruby:In my butt?
Qrow:Come on, Ruby. Please, Ruby. You have to do it, Ruby.
Ruby:Oh, man.
[Cut to Beacon]
Headmaster Ozpin:The fact is, your daughter, Ruby, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months.
Raven:What? Why didn't you notify us?
Headmaster Ozpin:I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Ruby's grandfather?
"Dammit Qrow!" Taiyang complained with a face-palm as Qrow laughed.
Taiyang:Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating?
This brought a few chuckles as Taiyang and Raven sighed.
Headmaster Ozpin:Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Ruby's grandpa that's taking her out of school. (they stop to see Yang and some other students, crying at an obituary for Cardin)
Raven:Yang?
Yang: (sobs)What kind of God lets this happen?
Headmaster Ozpin:We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. (chuckles)And there's no evidence that a Faunus student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.
"Gee, how considerate of you." Sienna said with an eye roll.
"This Ozpin seems very incompetent." Salem commented with a disappointed sigh.
"I'm still hung on Cardin!? Pull yourself together girl!" Yang shouted in disgust.
[Cut to Intergalactic Customs]
Announcer:The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.
"What?" Weiss asked.
"I have no recognition of what any of that meant." Penny said.
Alien:So, I told him, "give me the blimfarx," you know? This-this guy he doesn't understand interstellar currency.
Alien:It's, like, I'm trying to eat a flimflam like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk.
Announcer:The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.
"Again, what?" Weiss asked as Velvet shrugged.
Qrow: (Ruby comes up to him, who is waiting in line to get through security)I don't like it here, Ruby. I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?
Ruby:Yeah, Qrow. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt.
"They gotta hurt, I'm surprised that you actually did it." Emerald said.
"My other self is never gonna poop right again." Ruby said and this set Yang, Sun, Neptune, Mercury and Roman off again as they started laughing.
Qrow:That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Ruby. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-
(burps)all kind of things with them. It's gonna be great, Ruby. A- (burps)all kinds of science. (aliens are going through security with a Gromflomite, letting them through)
Gromflomite:Okay, next through. (stops Ruby)Except you. You go over there.
Qrow:Why does she have to go over there?
Gromflomite:Random check. She's got to go through the new machine.
Qrow:What new- (burps)what new machine?
Gromflomite:It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.
"Uh oh." Yang said with a smirk.
Mercury laughed as Cinder smirked "How convenient."
Qrow:Run, Ruby! Run! (grabs Ruby and they run through security and dart for the exit)
Ruby:Aaaaaah!
Gromfomite:Red alert! (team of Gromflomites starts chasing after Qrow and Ruby)
Ruby:Ohhhhh! (Qrow pushes over a giant capsule, with an alien fetus over, smashing some Gromflomites, to slow them down)
Ruby:Ohhhhhh! (an alien is seen smoking a hookah and Ruby runs past him and accidentally inhales the smoke from the hookah while Qrow comes from behind and slaps the alien in the face, causing the alien to cry; she then coughs up a life form from the smoke and the lifeform starts running through the glarp zone and goes through the entire aging process from developing fetus to decomposing corpse, over the course of three seconds)
Most were disturbed by that but Salem, Tyrian and Adrien laughed as they found it amusing.
"That's just messed up." Nora said as the rest nodded.
Ruby:Aaaaah!
Qrow:Don't think about it! (he and Ruby are cornered but Ruby activates the grappling shoes and runs up the wall with Qrow)
"Nice one Ruby!" Summer cheered as Ruby squealed at the fact that her mother was proud of her.
Qrow:Ooh! Oh, nice, Ruby! The student becomes the teacher. (the Gromflomites reveal that they can fly and then Qrow and Ruby start running away)
Ruby:Whoooooo! (her and Qrow run through the equipment on the ceiling, before they slip off to the ground)
Alien:Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me I'm just trying to— (Qrow and Ruby crash to the ground and he dies; they then run to the portal computer)
"Well I'll just add that to your ever-growing kill count, good job guys." Roman complimented.
Qrow:I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Ruby. Cover me. (he tosses Ruby a gun)
Ruby:Oh, man. I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody.
Qrow:They're just robots, Ruby! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! (Ruby shoots a Glenn, blowing his leg off, and making blood gush out as he drops down in pain)
"That's not a robot!" Nora exclaimed with wide eyes as the rest were shocked.
"I find that robot statement offensive." Penny stated with a frown.
"Nice shot at least." Vernal said and most glared at her "Too soon?"
Glenn:Aaaaah! My leg is shot off!
Other Gromflomite:Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!
"I'm so sorry Glenn!" Ruby shouted guiltily while Tyrian was having the time of his life.
Ruby:They're not robots, Qrow!
Qrow:It's a figure of speech, Ruby. They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Ruby. You have no idea what prison is like here! (Ruby continues shooting the Gromflomites and even kills some innocent bystanders while Qrow hacks into the portal to take them back home)
"Good, now get outta there!" Ironwood exclaimed.
Ruby:Holy crap! This is insane! (Qrow opens the portal and takes Ruby in with him)
Qrow:Come on, Ruby! We got to get the hell out of here! (the portal opens up in the lunchroom at school and Qrow and Ruby land on the table where Blake and her friends are eating)
Blake:Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?
Ruby:Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my-my Ferrari's in the shop. (nervously laughs)Just kidding.
"Don't flirt Ruby, it's not good for you." Neptune said as he gave Ruby a disappointed sigh while Sun let out a jealous grunt.
Blake:You're Ruby, right?
Ruby:Yeah. (Qrow grabs Ruby and takes her way)
Qrow:You can get her number later. Come on, Ruby. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass. (Qrow and Ruby are stopped by Taiyang, Raven, and Headmaster Ozpin)
Taiyang:Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.
"Come on dad, you can do way better than that." Yang complained.
Raven:What?
Taiyang:I'm an angry father, not an improviser.
Qrow:Oh, hi, Taiyang. Oh, my goodness, Ruby! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your-your parents and I are very disappointed in-in this behavior... No? No takers? (Qrow and Ruby are back at home in the garage while Taiyang and Raven start taking all his things and packing them up so he can move to the nursing home)
"Guess the adventure is over." Nora said with a disappointed sigh.
"It was weird while it lasted." Ren said
Qrow:You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning.
Taiyang:You're beyond our reasoning!
Qrow:Takes one to know one.
"Burn!" Emerald, Yang, Mercury, Sun, Neptune and Ruby shouted.
"Boy Tai, you're a real wet blanket in this universe huh?" Qrow asked.
"I hate seeing this version of myself." Taiyang said with a groan.
Raven:Dad, how could you make my daughter miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like she's a hot girl. She can't just bail on her life and set up shop in someone else's.
"Hey!" Ruby shouted.
"Don't worry Rubes, you're cute. You don't have to be hot." Yang said.
"I can be hot…" Ruby said as she pouted.
Qrow:What what are you guys doing with my stuff?
Raven:We're moving you to a nursing home.
Qrow:A nursing home? What are what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.
Taiyang:Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas.
Raven:What does that mean?
Taiyang:It's personal.
"This version of you has issues." Raven said as Taiyang nodded.
Ruby:Dad, mom, come on. Qrow just needed my help is all.
Taiyang:Ruby, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable of judging these situations on your own.
Qrow:What are you trying to say about Ruby? That she's stupid or something?
Raven:Oh, don't high-road us, dad. You know fully well that Ruby is the last child that needs to be missing classes.
Qrow:I-I-I don't know what you mean by that. Can can can you be a little bit more specific?
Taiyang:Oh, for crying out—she's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say?
Ruby:I do?
Taiyang:Well, duh doy, sweetie. Look, I love you, Ruby, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard.
"Well…it's kind of true." Glynda said uneasily.
"HEY!" Ruby shouted.
Ruby:Aw, geez, dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.
Qrow:Ruby, t-tell your parents the square root of pi.
Ruby:Oh, come on, Qrow. You know I can't.
Qrow:The square root of Pi, Ruby. Go!
Ruby:1.77245385... Whoa!
"DANG!!" Sun exclaimed with wide eyes.
"Impossible!" Glynda said in shock.
Raven:What the hell?
Taiyang: (checks Ruby's answer with calculator)Holy crap. She's right.
Qrow:Ruby, tell your parents the first law of Thermodynamics.
Ruby:"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!
Taiyang:But—
Qrow:I told the both of you school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Ruby's a gifted child. She has a special mind. That's why she's my little helper. She's like me. She's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. She's too smart for school. She needs to keep hanging out and helping me.
Raven:Taiyang, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.
Taiyang:No, I-I understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But she has to keep going to school.
Qrow:Okay, Taiyang. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say no? You-you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be clear communication. (Yang butts in, crying over the death of Cardin)
Yang: (crying)Cardin Winchester was frozen to death today!
"No one cares." Everyone besides a sad Cardin said.
Qrow:No idea what you're talking about. (Yang leaves, crying)
This brought a few laughs.
Taiyang:Okay. Well, uh, Ruby, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family and now, Raven, if you'll have me, I would love to have you.
Raven:You know what? Okay. (she and Taiyang leave)
"I cannot unsee that." Raven said as she cringed, she hated seeing a weak man an that Taiyang was just pathetic.
Ruby:Holy cow, Qrow. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.
Qrow:Full disclosure, Ruby it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.
"Excuse me?" Blake asked.
Ruby:Aw, man.
Qrow:Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Ruby. Starting right about now.
Ruby:Ohh, man. (losing consciousness)Oh, geez! Ohh. (drops to the ground and starts moaning as she has a seizure)
"She's gonna die if she stays around you, I swear." Weiss said.
"I am a terrible influence!" Qrow exclaimed with a grin.
Qrow:I'm sorry, Ruby. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come and I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more adventures. (excitedly looks down upon her, telling her about their future adventures)And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Ruby and you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Ruby, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Ruby but if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Ruby, and you're gonna be part of them, and together, we're gonna run around, Ruby. We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Ruby. Just you and me, Ruby. The outside world is our enemy, Ruby. We're the only friends we've got, Ruby. It's just Qrow and Ruby. Qrow and Ruby and their adventures, Ruby. Qrow and Ruby forever and forever. Ruby's things. Me and Qrow and Ruby running around, and Qrow and Ruby time. All day long, forever. All a hundred days. Qrow and Ruby forever 100 times. Over and over, . All 100 years. Every minute, .
[Cut to black]
"You're a sociopath!" Winter shouted.
"A genius sociopath." Qrow said with a smirk.
Cosmo floated to the front and looked around "So what'd you guys think?"
"It was fun but I don't think my other self will ever go to the bathroom the same again." Ruby said as some laughed.
"Do they go on more adventures!?" Nora asked.
"A lot!" Cosmo responded.
"Nah, we didn't come here to see one universe. I'm here to show you different events with each and every one of you doing many awesome things like in this one." Cosmo said.
"Well what are you waiting for? Show us more!" Yang exclaimed as Cosmo grinned.