As soon as he sat on the back of the black Lexus his mind went back to the moment they met. He let himself dwell on the past, getting lost in memories for the ride home. From the very beginning she was different from any other woman he's ever crossed paths with, and he was aware he fucked up, big time. He was convinced it would've been a mistake, and so he did the only thing that could save him -and her- from himself: get the hell up and leave. Maybe he was going to have to deal with it in the morning, but at least he bought some time to cool off.
And as if that mess wasn't enough, the whole Woodall/Forestman situation couldn't have had better timing, summoning up flashbacks of the moment that son of a bitch wanted to hire him. Of course it had to be the same night she introduced herself, and it sure as hell felt like punishment. Focusing on a case would definitely be his way to avoid brooding about what just happened between them, but no, she was so entangled in his life that he couldn't escape the thought of her.
She'd been right all along, and he didn't listen to her. The funny thing was, even if they'd just met, a part of him already believed in everything she said. But of course he wasn't going to back down from an opportunity like that, he was a cocky lawyer in dippers who thought could conquer the world, so he kept going until it all went to shit. And she was right.
Since that moment, and for as long as he can remember, he had been the fool who could absolutely not function if she wasn't around, who needed her, who had tried to live his life and be happy for her. And there were times when he'd failed her, but Liberty Rail wasn't even remotely going to be one of them.
He may have fucked up everything later, but damn if she wasn't the only thing he could think of at the time. He was scared as shit, he had even been forced to say it out loud, twice. First to Mike, to get the damn kid to do his job and help him solve the freaking mess they'd made, and then to her. It was the only way she would let him do whatever he had to to save her. Makes me want to drop to my knees sounded like a little bit too much information to disclose, but it was the only thing that seemed to do the trick at the time.
And then she had to mention it. He told her he figured if she wanted to talk about it, she would bring it up, but the truth was he was hoping they could just sweep it under the rug like they'd always done and that would be the end of it, just back to normal. But there she was, saying she was sorry for having doubted him, and why the fuck couldn't he keep his walls up? He heard himself saying he was sorry for having snapped at her, vulnerable as hell. Probably it was the heaviness of what they'd gone through, the way she was looking at him, the sudden intimacy of the moment. The next thing he knew he was blurting out what she meant to him, because of course, it was her. Everything with her was just freaking different.
He wanted to, he really wanted to kiss her, and as he found himself dropping his gaze to her lips, reality snapped him out of his trance and he had to go. It would have been a mistake, it would have messed with what they had, because she may have been caught in the moment as well, but the truth was she didn't want him that way, at least that part had been crystal clear for the past ten years. He knew what would've happened if he continued down that road, so what was the point?
He did the right thing. If something had happened and he'd been able to be with her, to possibly step on the stones in his path that kept him in check -at least the ones he was aware of-, to certainly get lost in her and what they could have… He would be lying if he didn't acknowledge the fact that he'd always been afraid of messing things up if she miraculously one day decided to give them a try, but he was terrified about hearing once again that damn we'll put it out of our minds statement, no. It was only a moment of weakness, it was the one thing he'd avoided for over a decade. Just shove whatever you think you may be feeling deep down and move forward.
.
It was the right thing to do, but she wouldn't leave it alone, and the next day he found himself cornered in his office. He wasn't expecting the daggers she was throwing at him. Nothing happened the night before, he prevented anything from happening because they both knew it would have been a mistake, but she went ahead and twisted the knife anyway. That goddamn question. Tell her how? What the fuck was he supposed to say? That he wanted everything?
Twenty seconds and a donna-analyzing-things speech later he found himself asking her that exact same thing, completely caught up in the heat of the argument. She of course didn't answer it, focusing on his previous words. He had to give it to her, the fact that he explained his I love you as an attempt to make her feel better was a shitty thing to say, and he regretted it the second the words left his mouth. But then again, he'd let the question out and she simply dodged the bullet, turned around and left. So much for being the one who doesn't run away. She could've said you know I love you Harvey and then they'd have been even.
But he knew it wasn't going to happen, there was no point in kidding himself. What did he expect? A "yes, Harvey, I want everything"? The fact that for a minute there he thought things could actually turn around for them crossed his mind. Not that he let himself go there completely, after all he'd mastered the art of securing and burying his feelings under a hundred and forty-six locks deep inside, and he definitely had other pressing issues to focus about.
So he occupied himself beating his brain out trying to figure out what was the right thing to do about Forestman. Disclosing what that son of a bitch had done to him years ago by putting Marcus at risk, or letting that piece of shit walk free. God, he really needed her. Were moments like that the ones that made him realize how hard he would fight to maintain whatever he had with her, no matter what.
If only he could reach out and talk his options through. The future of the firm was on the line. Everything they've fought to get, and Jessica and Louis and everyone he cared about. They were going down if he couldn't find a way to fix it, and the only thing that seemed like it would do the trick would've might as well harm the other one person he loved.
He needed to get his mind straight so he sought help, but even if Jessica was one of the persons in his life who knew him better than most, it wasn't remotely enough. And after exiting her office, his mind went straight back to Donna, recalling how badly she intended to keep him out of trouble when he accepted that job years ago. He felt the urge to prove he still was the same person she saw back then, and he wanted to reach out, but he couldn't. He didn't want to face her, not yet.
He condemned those moments, the freaking ones where she's there and something happens and everything he feels rises to the surface along with his bullshit excuses, risking everything they had, preventing them to be them. But then the don't-let-the-moment-pass eulogy hit him right in the face like cold water to snap him out of his spiral, Louis' words reassuring him it hadn't been a mistake telling her.
Enough with the vicious circles in which they'd been playing hide and seek with their feelings. Life is short, he'd let her know he loved her and had always shown her how much she meant to him. He may not have been conscious of what he was realizing, but he was ready to address the matter in hand.
.
It was late, the Forestman problem was over and he was finally able to breathe. He was exhausted but couldn't prevent his mind from going right back to her and her first day at his desk. As he looked back on how she'd amused him right away, and every day after that, he recalled what she'd said earlier that day. How could she think he pitied her? Nothing could be further from the truth.
He would set things straight, but first he needed to call his little brother. What he did moments ago could've ended badly for both of them, and Marcus didn't even know any of it, but he needed to make sure he didn't fuck everything up. So he came up with some bulshit excuse of not having talked to him in a while, and relief washed over him as he heard Marcus say he was ok and everything was ok. Another breath of fresh air.
After ending the call, he spun around in his chair and there she was, right in front of him, and he didn't waste any more time. She was the most amazing woman he'd ever met, and just because he didn't let things happen between them, it didn't mean he wouldn't want to.
If only he had the chance to finish what he was trying to say.
And after all that came after, if only he knew.