Postsecrets: The Naruto Chronicles
Disclaim/ notes: I don't own anything but the plot, and most of the jokes. I cannot believe I've passed 300 reviews! I love you guys so much! (hands out cookies) If you guys want art, a story (preferably a one-shot), or anything else (nothing too bad) feel free to ask!
With Naruto
"Well, Kakashi, what was it you wanted help with?" Naruto asked Kakashi warily. He knew Kakashi was a pervert (who else would have a teenaged sex ed. class read the Sutra?), and he wasn't sure if he felt comfortable in the room with Kakashi.
"I… need you, Naruto." Kakashi spoke slowly, as though he were making a point.
"Ka…kashi?" Naruto was looking at Kakashi, fear in his eyes. Didn't Kakashi hook up with Iruka?
"After all, I can't carry all my porn into the safe alone!" Kakashi grinned at his statement, as if to mock Naruto even more.
Naruto immediately glared at Kakashi. I was about to scream "RAPE!" for nothing?
"What?" Kakashi looked at Naruto then pointed to the wall. "Don't you see the safe?"
Naruto looked at the wall Kakashi was pointing to. "Erm… Not really."
"Well, that's because you didn't see this!" Kakashi took a book out of the shelf, and pressed a button which was hidden behind the book. The wall then flipped around to reveal a rather large vault. Naruto's jaw dropped.
When the hell did he put this in? Naruto stood in awe, staring at the giant, titanium structure.
"I put this in the moment dear Iruka started threatening my lovely books."
"More like smut…" Naruto mumbled.
"They are not smut!" Kakashi said with a shocked expression on his face. "They're art!"
Naruto looked at Kakashi. "Art? Does art talk about boobs non-stop? Does art say…?" Naruto picked up one of Kakashi's books, and began to read aloud, "'When Kimiko realized the Tazuno was cheating on her with that mistress, with heaving breasts, she immediately sought comfort with Junko. Burying her face into Junko's ample chest, Kimiko began to cry wet tears. Tears that showed the lacy structures of Junko's bra, which was beginning to get wet, piece by piece. Bit by bit.
'Kimiko was afraid of Junko catching a cold, and removed Junko's shirt and bra. Junko's heaving breasts popped out of the structure, showing the erect nipples.'? Well, does art say things like that?" Naruto was glaring at Kakashi.
"Well… yes. It talks about the intricate patterns on Junko's bra later on in the book." Kakashi looked at Naruto, as if Naruto would find some form of understanding.
Naruto just stared at Kakashi. "… So… Why?"
"Well, my dear Naruto, if Iruka is threatening my books, and I am to stay with you two, I need them to be protected. Now help an old man move all these educational materials," Kakashi said as he picked up the first of many pornographic materials.
Naruto, who was speechless, could not do anything but pick up a book, and help Kakashi move his precious reading to the vault. I'm probably going straight to hell for this…
With Sasuke
Sasuke stared at the kitchen. This was just cooking, right? He'd seen his mother and Mrs. Haruno do it millions of times. It couldn't be that hard.
… Right?
Well, Sasuke did not know where to start. So he started with what he felt was best. He took out a pot and some water. Where do you put a pot if you need it to boil? Sasuke wondered. Aha! The oven! With that, Sasuke poured the water into the pot, and stuck it in the oven, setting the timer for 30 minutes.
I'm so good.
With Iruka
Iruka had just graded his last paper, and was on his way home when he smelt something burning. Of course, he assumed it wasn't coming from his house, so he walked on happily. After all, he just got together with his pervert of a crush, he had finished all his work, and his house was no longer empty. Sure, Naruto still kept him company, but Iruka was very sad. So, now that he has a boyfriend, Iruka is very happy.
However, upon returning to his home, Iruka would find himself not-so-happy. In fact, you could even say he was angry. Then again, anyone would find themselves angry if they came home to a burning pot with some brown stuff in it in the front lawn.
"Kakashi! Get your ass down here!" Iruka screamed at the house, which was seemingly unharmed.
Kakashi poked his head out of his new home and looked at Iruka innocently. "Sasuke did it!"
Iruka sighed. Maybe adults really were like children. Kakashi sure acted the part. "What is that brown stuff?"
"Water and salt… I think," Kakashi answered. However, he wasn't really sure. After all, brown goop could be anything if he and Sasuke were behind it.
"Water? How do you burn water and salt?"
"I think he put oil on it… Somehow, it caught fire in the oven," Kakashi said casually. "Then, I think I've done that before."
"You've done it three times!" Sasuke said, or rather, yelled at the poor man.
"Really? I thought I've done it more…" Kakashi said thoughtfully, looking at Sasuke. The whole scene would seem amusing to most.
However, Iruka was still fuming. "My house was almost burnt down, and you're wondering how many times you've set water on fire?"
"Well, duh. Sasuke will not out-do me," Kakashi said, smiling at Iruka. "Especially in cooking and in bed."
"Those are two different things!"
"You mean incredibly good, and incredibly bad?"
"Yes! I mean, no!" Iruka exclaimed, with a flustered look on his face.
"Aha! So I am good in bed!" Kakashi happily exclaimed.
"That's not the point here!" Iruka screamed.
"Then what is the point?"
Iruka paused. "I don't remember…"
Kakashi looked over at Sasuke and Naruto (who just recently joined the group of people in the front lawn that smelled of burning things). "And that's how you don't get in trouble."
Naruto stood in awe. This man knew how to get Iruka angry… But not have to do extra chores for a week. He was jealous.
"Kakashi, you're a moron," Sasuke said, before going inside, Kakashi and Iruka following shortly after.
I'm the only one he can call a moron! Naruto thought angrily, before stomping into the house. How dare he?
Of course, while Naruto was stomping towards the merry home, which held a pervert, a freakishly calm boy whom he loved, and an angry father-figure, a car pulled into the driveway.
"Hey kid, can you help me with these mutts?" the bearded man who was driving the truck asked.
Naruto's face paled. In this truck, he saw a lot of fur. Fur belonging to sixteen dogs, to be exact.
And he got to bring in the dogs.
Lucky me…
With the pervert, a freakishly calm boy whom Naruto loves, and an angry father-figure
Kakashi was happy looking at Iruka's butt, when he heard a truck, a jolly laugh, and barking. After perceiving these sounds, he stood.
"My babies!" Kakashi then proceeded to run out to see his prized dogs.
Iruka heard the barking as well, and then looked at the stove, then at Sasuke who was leaving. Looks like we're ordering out anyways… Iruka thought, before walking outside to join his new "family".
However, upon arriving outside, he realized just how many dogs sixteen dogs were. He was about to faint, when he heard the horn of a car pulling in to his driveway. Great, another one of Kakashi's friends, I'm guessing.
"Iruka! Hey, Iruka!" Kurenai said, leaning out of her car.
I must be hearing things. Iruka thought. Unless the French teacher drives into my driveway screaming my name.
"Iruka! You forgot your god… damn." Kurenai stopped yelling when she saw the bearded man with many dogs in the driveway.
"On second thought, why don't we just call it a day? I mean, you're tired of grading papers, I bet…"
"Kurenai? Is that you?" Asuma, the bearded man, asked.
"Wait… Kurenai… You know this man?" Iruka asked Kurenai, a bit confused. Maybe the dogs were clouding his thinking, and he was hearing things.
"Define know." Kurenai looked at Asuma, as if to say 'What the hell are you doing here, I thought you were dead'.
"Dated?"
"Yes." Kurenai said, still glaring at Asuma.
"Stop glaring at each other! It's bad for the dogs," Kakashi said fiercely, while one of the puppies licked his face.
"Do you want some tea…?" Iruka left the bearded man to finish off the question.
"Asuma."
"Oh! Asuma?" Iruka recognized the name. Kurenai took a whole semester to get over this guy. Iruka didn't see that much appeal in Asuma, though. He clearly smoked (the smell was suffocating), he had a beard (no doubt it would scratch you), and he had a meaty build. Either he was really good in bed, or Kurenai was crazy. Iruka assumed the latter.
"Yep, that's me," Asuma said, walking in three of the dogs. "Will you guys help?"
"Sure, sure!" Naruto said. He proceeded to grab the leash closest to him when he heard a low growling noise. Oh, crap. The dog was huge, growling, and looking at Naruto with a killing intent.
Am I going to die?
Later on, inside the house
Asuma and Kurenai had left together after coffee. Turned out their relationship's breakup was a total misunderstanding, and they realized how stupid they were. So, they celebrated with a drink. Iruka prayed Kurenai would be at work on Monday.
Naruto was cowering in fear of the dogs. The big dog he had "led" into the house ended up leading him to his doom. Or rather, his 'almost' doom.
The dog led him to the insane cat lady's house that lived next door. The dog (Naruto in tow) ended up running for its life. Luckily, Naruto and the dog (whose name was Shin) both made it.
By this time, everyone had settled down. Most of the dogs were sitting at Kakashi's feet (much to Iruka's discontent; the dogs were very protective), Iruka was trying to get said dogs away from Kakashi, Naruto was fending his food from a pup that "ran away", and Sasuke was attempting to punish the pup for stealing food from his dear Naruto. Indeed, it was a calm, serene scene. It would take quite the jolt to get the scene moving again.
The phone rang.
Kakashi got up to get the phone.
"Kakashi!" screamed the voice on the other line.
Well, there's your jolt.
"Gai?"
"My youthful rival! How marvelous it is that you have found your own love! Your own flower to protect!"
"Gai…?"
"You must be very happy! I only wish you the best! May no evil squirrels show up at your doorway, uninvited!" Naruto thought back to Lee, and decided that he picked it up from Gai. Poor kid… Never had a chance.
"Right… Gai?"
"Oh, my youthful rival! How wonderful! You have burned your youthful energy to its fullest, allowing the lotus of love to blossom!"
"Gai?" Kakashi said nervously. The dogs were starting to growl at the phone.
"Is that the youthful whimpers of Iruka? I pray you were gentle while making your youth explode!"
"No, Gai. Those are my dogs."
Click.
Kakashi walked back to his seat, where Iruka had made it to, finally, only to be "shooed" off by Kakashi. He pouted and left the seat, only to start growing mushrooms in the corner (A/N: Anyone that can name the anime where this is sort of said gets the awesome position where you get millions of cookies (hint: My Lord)).
"Is Gai afraid of your dogs?" Naruto asked Kakashi, in a serious tone.
"Maybe."
"Is that the reason you have so many?"
"…"
"Those poor, poor animals."
"Not only that, though! Sasuke would never talk. I got bored."
"… Those poor, poor animals."
At this point, one of the cutest little puppies had slithered over to Iruka, and started licking him. Of course, the puppy was not aware of the evil mushroom army that Iruka had started. Little did the puppy know she just saved everyone in the house from potential mushroom warfare.
"Aww…" Iruka started to hug the puppy. Even if he was angry at the puppy's relatives, the over-all cuteness of the puppy out ruled that. After all, it had big eyes and a stubby little tail that wagged. How could she be a bad puppy?
Well, puppy chose that moment to use the bathroom.
"Kakashi?" Iruka sounded like he could be plotting revenge with his mushroom army.
"Yes, love?" Kakashi said, nuzzling one of the male puppies, who just got nipped at by one of the bigger dogs.
"Are these pups housetrained?"
"They should be. Why?"
"Come look at this carpet."
Kakashi took a look, and noticed that the puppy was wet. "Aw… Did the scary man hurt you?"
"Kakashi?"
"Yes?" Kakashi said, hugging the puppy protectively.
"Clean up her mess."
"Why? You were the one that scared her."
"She's your dog, Kakashi."
Kakashi sighed. "Fine."
Iruka turned his back, and went upstairs to change his pants and shirt. Whoever knew that a dog could plot that well to destroy a home?
"Naruto?" Sasuke asked, still holding back the eager puppy who was about to attack Naruto for his now-empty plate.
"Yeah, Sasuke?" Naruto said, placing his plate down, to show the puppy that he could have some now. The puppy eagerly ran over to Naruto's plate and began to lick.
"I don't like watching Kakashi clean up dog piss. Can we go upstairs?"
Naruto blushed. He had a feeling that Sasuke didn't just want to go upstairs. "Um… Sure! Let me just put up this plate."
Sasuke watched Naruto saunter over to the kitchen. Or rather, he watched Naruto's ass. Does Naruto know how incredibly sexy his butt looks while he walks? It just goes every way… Too sexy.
"Sasuke?" Naruto's voice drew Sasuke out of his thoughts about a certain part of Naruto's anatomy.
"Yeah, moron?"
"I want to go upstairs."
"Alright." Sasuke showed his predatory grin, and stalked after Naruto.
This left Kakashi alone in the living room.
I wonder if they'll use protection…Kakashi wondered, before going back to scrubbing the yellow spot on the floor. He could never hate the cute, little dog that sat before him, but he certainly could be angry at it. "Scram."
End Chapter
I know, I know. You all hate me. Well, be prepared to hate me more. One more week until my next update. Then another week and a half. Why? Well, I'll tell you why! It's because my family is on vacation, and where I'm at has NO wireless, and I only go into two once for the 2 and a half weeks I'm there. So, consider this a warning. You may have to wait for the smutfest! No!
Well, yeah. Sorry. xD
Well, I have to reply to all those reviewers. However, I don't have the time to type it all out here. I will only reply to anonymous reviewers here, and I'll send a reply to all those that reviewed non-anonymously. However, I will still write your name (and if it was a splendid review that made me all warm and fuzzy, a reply). So, sorry! I can't type out all my responses and stuff in this chapter, because I'm about to leave. So sorry! This new system will also allow me to update a heck of a lot faster!
Thanks to these non-anonymous reviewers (you made my day, each and every one of you): phantomsnow, feikaze, Midnight Shining Star, Blue-genjutsu, losthimagain, avila7989, Sasura, Red Asatari, silver fox aka vash, Kari no Tenshi (who gets a cookie), Black Gravitation, Kuroneko Kurata SNN, Imari-chan, Sasuke2006, Sesshomarubaby18, FXL, Kawaii-Yami-Neko, sAyUrI aNbU, Sailor Shiroi Cosmos (who gets awesome sauce), Dark Iasha, and swtTom0-chan93.
Replies to all those who I think need to be replied to in public or were anonymous:
SexySpoonsWillRuleUsAll: (kisses spoon) Hooray! I'm married to a screen name!
Tea: How do you love the puppies, now that one of their kind has drizzled on Iruka? I think I feel really bad for Iruka… Then again, this is coming from someone who knows the pains of having a puppy or turtle pee on you (not joking about the turtle, either).
MusicLuvre: (gives Neji a bowlcut) Now go have your mansex with Gaara! Or else! Or else you'll have to have mansex with Naruto… Or Sasuke. X3
Nekimo-chan: It's fine if you pressure me… God knows I need it. xD
Chiyo: Honey, you were my inspiration for the animals. Because I know your house. And I think you have all those animals to make me afraid. xD
Cc128: EVERYONE, READ THIS REVIEWER'S REVIEW! I never thought my story would make someone feel sad! I mean, I really want people to laugh and go "aw" every once in a while! I'm so sorry for making you sad! But, at the same time, I feel really happy for you! You got the chance to see him again (unlike me). You see, I still have a few feelings for this one guy from my childhood. I got into anime because I heard he was into it. So, I started posting on fansites and stuff in hopes to find him. No luck yet, but I hope I'll find him soon. Of course, I have a wonderful boyfriend in my life now, so I wouldn't do anything. I just miss him. I wish you luck in finding your price! (cries, and starts to grow mushrooms in a corner)
Yeah. There are my notes to everyone. Whoo! Read, and (of course) feel free to leave a message in the form of review! I love getting emails, as well (email in profile)! Thanks for supporting my fanfic! Also, look into my other fanfictions, like the one I posted on the fourth (angsty, but I have humorous notes), or Escaping Reality (due to come out today). I should also have a crack-shot out by morning.
PS – 303 reviews? You guys rock! Feel free to make it to 350 (I know I have that many on the story alerts list, hint, hint)!