Postsecrets: The Naruto Chronicles

Disclaim: I don't own Naruto, and I don't claim ownership of anything mentioned within this fanfiction, except for the plot and purple manatee. Evilanimeperson claims ownership of my sexy, sexy writing skills, though. xD

With Sasuke

Naruto was leading Sasuke upstairs, while Kakashi looked on from below.

Oh, I forgot to say it. "Use protection, boys! Remember, I have condoms in my bedroom!" Kakashi shouted while rubbing one of the female pups (the same one who "attacked" Iruka) on the stomach. Then he followed in a baby-ish voice, "Who's a good girl? You're a good girl! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

Sasuke looked at Kakashi, who had just ruined his lusty mood (the reminder for the protection didn't do too much, but the baby-talk to the puppy just pulled the plug). But, then he remembered that Naruto was waiting on him upstairs. So, not wanting to prolong the chapter of his life any longer, he followed. However, he kept a mental note to kill Kakashi.

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted from upstairs.

"Coming, Naruto!" Sasuke ignored how sexual that must have sounded, because Naruto was waiting on him. Other times he would have focused on the perverse moments in his mind. But he had other perverse ideas to focus in his mind.

Sasuke followed Naruto up the stairs, hoping he would get something out of Naruto. Or rather, something in him.

In the Bedroom

Sasuke and Naruto were both sitting down. Neither knew what to say or do. Both were so nervous all they could do was look at each other when…

"You stupid animal! Lemme go!" Iruka screamed from the hall. At this, both Sasuke and Naruto jumped.

Crap, Iruka does live here! Sasuke thought. After all, how on earth was he going to get any with the protective mother hen in the home? Iruka came in handy when he was in trouble, or if Kakashi was in one of his moods, but Sasuke really regretted Iruka's existence at that moment. Naruto, too, seemed to be having second thoughts.

However, Sasuke knew that if he acted now, he could attempt to get to "really know" Naruto.

So, Sasuke started kissing what he thought to be Naruto. However, Naruto's lips were rather cold. And wet.

Sasuke was kissing the dog that he hadn't noticed followed Naruto up the stairs.

Needless to say, upon seeing this, Sasuke determined that he would never kiss an animal again. It was very wet and cold and yucky.

Of course, Sasuke was taken out of his private moment with the animal when Iruka stormed in.

"Sasuke, your dear father will not…" Iruka trailed off as he noticed the exact position of his son, and the other resident of his home. So, he did what any person would do normally.

He fainted.

With Kakashi

Kakashi was doing nothing wrong. In fact, he had nothing strange going on (well, unless sex in a classroom counted as strange… Which it didn't! Well… that's what Kakashi told himself), but when he heard the thump, three things came to mind.

One was that Sasuke was being rough with Naruto, and that would mean Iruka was mad at him. But, that couldn't be true, because then he'd be hearing moans.

The other was that one of his doggies had met a horrible fate with an angry lover (namely, his dear Iruka). Of course, if that was the case, he would have heard an angry yap from a puppy.

The final fate was that Sasuke was frenching a dog, whilst seducing Naruto, and Iruka walked in on them and fainted. However, Kakashi wrote this off as his own strange superstition. What were the odds of that actually happening?

"Kakashi! Sasuke was molesting your dog, and I think Iruka's dead!" Kakashi heard Naruto's cry.

This proves it. All of his teachers were right. He was so a genius.

With Iruka

Iruka had just awoken from his Sasuke-kissing-dog induced mini-coma. It wasn't that he had never seen anything as strange (he had gone to college, after all), it was just that he hadn't seen anything that strange in a while.

… Right?

Iruka wasn't getting old, was he? He started to panic. "What if Kakashi doesn't love me anymore because I'm one of those old gay men? No… that could never happen. He and I love each other. …Wait… Love? Could it really be love?" Iruka was very confused by his own thoughts.

Iruka jumped out of his reprieve when he felt something wet on his head. Of course, his first instinct was that one of the dogs was licking him, so he swatted at the wet… thing.

What Iruka didn't expect was that there was skin there. The skin brought itself away quickly, and something along the lines of "Well, if you didn't want me," was mumbled.

Iruka quickly sat up. He wanted to say "wait!" but no words would come out.

Kakashi just left Iruka lying there. Iruka, not seeing any sense in trying to walk (his legs felt like jelly), laid back down, only to fall into a fitful sleep.

With Naruto

"I can't believe you thought that dog was me, Sasuke!" Naruto shouted at Sasuke. Sasuke was making mental notes to always wear earplugs. "Am I really that ugly to you? If I am, why didn't you tell me? I could have done something, like cross dress or something out of one of those books that Kakashi reads! Why can't you just express your feelings?"

Sasuke, who was still attempting to clean out his ears, looked at Naruto with a look that stated "if you don't forgive me, then I'll never forget it, and I'll make your life hard because of it just by being very cute".

Naruto sighed. "Sasuke! I know you're good looking, but not all of us are that sexy! Can't you just take this one thing seriously? I mean… I lo-"

Sasuke paused his look. "Love?"

Naruto blushed for a moment, before turning away. "Lo-loathe. I loathe you."

Sasuke looked at Naruto. "Well, I love you."

Naruto glanced in Sasuke's direction to see if it looked as though he were fooling around. Sasuke didn't seem to be fooling around.

"Sasuke… Why didn't you say so?" Naruto launched himself at Sasuke, and started hugging him.

Sasuke, taken aback by Naruto's actions (after all, just a minute ago, Naruto was talking about killing Sasuke). But, Sasuke wasn't one to complain. He just wrapped his arms around Naruto, and allowed them both to drift into a comfortable sleep.

With Kakashi

Kakashi was devastated. He lost Iruka's love! How could a man not be devastated after losing the love of his life? Iruka was the only thing he had… And now he was nothing to him! Iruka swatted his hand away!

Kakashi decided to sleep in the den with his dogs, instead of with Iruka that night. However, he wouldn't sleep on the furniture. No, furniture was for people who Iruka loved. He was just a hamster to Iruka. Good for a little, but not in the long run.

So, he did the most logical thing.

He started to tear up paper to make a "hamster cage". After all, what better was he than a rodent? A lowly, loser rodent.

"Kakashi… what are you doing?" Sasuke had gotten up for a glass of water, and was standing at the entrance to the den, only to find Kakashi ripping up his school report for English class.

"I'm making a cage for a hamster…"

"Kakashi… This might be a shocker, but we don't have a hamster."

"I'm the hamster."

"Kakashi… You aren't a hamster."

"I am so a hamster!"

"Kakashi, you're only fooling yourself." With that, Sasuke left Kakashi to sleep in the den, in his self-made hamster cage.

"I am so a hamster…" Kakashi muttered, before slipping into his sleep.

In Kakashi's Dream

Kakashi awoke to find himself in a hamster cage! Because, after all, he was a hamster. He was running on a wheel. And all was good with the world.

With Naruto

In the Umino household, mornings normally began with a shower, and then breakfast. This morning, the shower was a good shower, but breakfast… well, breakfast was hamster food.

Naruto looked at the breakfast Kakashi gave him. Then he looked at Kakashi. And finally, once more, just to make sure that he wasn't dreaming, he looked at the seed.

"Kakashi… This is gerbil food."

"No, it's hamster food."

A silence sat for a while…

"Kakashi… I'm not a hamster."

"Don't you understand? I'm a hamster, and all hamsters must give hamster food to their young ones!"

Naruto looked at Kakashi for a moment. "Kakashi. You aren't a hamster. Please realize that you are human."

"I am a hamster. And a hamster I will remain."

"Kakashi, you have to teach art today."

"Hamsters can make art."

Naruto just gave Kakashi a strange look before giving his seed up to the puppies. He then got up to leave. No point in talking to a hamster-man.

With Iruka

Iruka had awoken around six in the morning, only to want to sleep some more. His worrying had kept him up all night, and he didn't welcome the sun at all.

Nonetheless, he showered and put on his clothes for the day. Hopefully, no one would be too insane today. Debaters had a tournament coming up. Nothing could happen.

Of course, he didn't expect what he saw in his kitchen. Kakashi was sitting in a pile of shredded paper, Sasuke was poking at a plate of seeds, and the dogs were yipping to get out. Iruka first let the dogs out, then gave Sasuke some real food (to which Sasuke ate happily), and finally walked over to Kakashi.

"Kakashi, what are you doing?" Iruka asked Kakashi.

"I'm a hamster."

"Get out of your paper pile."

"No. It's my cage, for I am a hamster."

"Kakashi, if you're a hamster, I won't be with you."

"You aren't with me anyways, remember? You swatted my hand away. I'm just a lonely hamster."

Iruka sighed. "Kakashi, I thought you were a dog."

"Then I should let myself outside, to sleep with the dogs… They aren't much better than a hamster, though…"

"Kakashi… you aren't an animal! You're a human! You're my human!"

"But… I'm a hamster-dog."

"Kakashi, you're not a hamster-dog!"

"I am so! At least… to you, I am…"

"Kakashi…" When Kakashi attempted to interrupt him, Iruka stopped him. "Let me finish."

Kakashi nodded.

"Kakashi, I love you. But, if you're a hamster-dog, I'll feel bad about your mental state. Please be a human again."

"Only if you kiss me."

"What?"

"I want a kiss. Then I won't be a hamster-dog anymore."

"Kakashi, I'm not going to kiss a hamster-dog."

"Fine! Then a hamster-dog I shall remain."

Iruka hated himself for what he was about to do. He really didn't want Kakashi to have his way, but they did have to leave for work in a few moments. He leaned in to give Kakashi a peck on the cheeks. "There!"

"I am a human again!" Kakashi nearly exploded with happiness at his new-found opposable thumbs.

Sasuke, who had witnessed this whole scene sighed and went about his business. Where has Naruto gone to, I wonder…?

With Naruto

Naruto had been afraid of the hamster man, so he started to run away from his home, only to run into Kiba.

"Kiba, what are you doing here?" Naruto questioned.

"I had a question for Kakashi about the latest art project. I don't really understand lips."

"Well, good luck with that."

"Why? Is he fucking?"

"No."

"What is it?"

"He's a hamster." Without another word, Naruto left Kiba behind in confusion.

"… Ham… ster?"

With Sakura

Sakura was eating her breakfast in the cafeteria, only to be joined by Naruto.

"Hey, Naruto! What's up?" Sakura appeared to be in a very good mood today. Naruto wondered why that was, but he just ate.

"Naruto, I asked what's up?"

Naruto swallowed his juice, and then started his answer. "Well, Kakashi's dogs are here, Iruka fainted, Sasuke made out with a dog, and now Kakashi thinks he's a hamster."

Sakura laughed. "Why would Kakashi think he's a hamster?"

Naruto looked at Sakura, his expression giving nothing away. "He's a rodent. He is therefore a hamster."

Sakura looked at Naruto once, before picking up her food and moving two tables away. Unfortunately, Lee was at that table.

Upon seeing his love move to his table, Lee began to declare his love. Sakura didn't really care.

With Kakashi

First period art had begun for Kakashi. All he really wanted to do was take a nap and give his students some practice with sketching figures. Of course, fate wouldn't keep it at that.

Upon walking into his classroom, Kakashi spotted three of his students sitting farther away from him than usual.

"Hey class, what's the matter? I won't hurt you." Kakashi tried to look disinterested, but the act didn't work.

However, only one student moved up. And that one person was Lee.

"Mr. Hatake! Thank you so very much! You have made my love for the lovely Miss Sakura a possibility by becoming a hamster-man!" Kakashi looked at Lee as though he had at least five heads, a tattoo and a pierced… well; the fangirls fill that one in.

Then, out of nowhere, Kakashi felt himself being pummeled. "Hatake!"

"Lee!"

"Finally! You return the power of youth, Hatake!"

"No, Lee!"

"Yes! Hatake!"

"Lee, get off!"

"Oh." With that, Lee got off of Kakashi, and the youthful moment was over.

Kakashi wiped off his pants and shirt. "Now, then. Let's sketch some bodies. Preferably in a sexual manner."

"Kakashi, what about you being a hamster?" Sakura asked from the back of the class.

"What about me being a hamster?"

"Naruto said that you were a hamster!" Lee exclaimed.

"Why, I have no idea what he was talking about."

With that, more people moved up to the front.

Why would I be a hamster? Kakashi wondered, as he began the basic human figure on the board.

End chapter

Alright, I noticed how all of you probably want to kill me. Right about now, if my internal clock is right. But, I do actually have a reason for not updating. In the order of how I died… here's my list…?

1. Laziness. Yeah, I was lazy whilst taking my vacation, and I only finished two one-shots (well, three if you count that Yondaime one I did a while back). And I plan to make some more.

2. Summer Reading. I underestimated my summer reading for school. I thought, "Oh! Only 4 books? I can do that in about a week, maybe write a little, eat some food, and sleep a lot." Well… I was horribly mistaken. I spent more time reading than sleeping, actually! Just ask A-chan! O.o;

3. School. Yeah, I started school. And I have an AP class. Which I have a high C in. I'm trying hard, but I think I'll die. I also have A's other than that. I think that AP world history just sort of hates me. But, it's my favorite class! xD

4. Anime conventions/ friends moving away. I raped 118 people at an anime con recently, which took a great deal of my time (note that if you think I might have raped you, please tell me! It would make for a great review xD). After this convention, I wouldn't get to see Chiyo anymore, so I had to talk to her, and cram her in a car underneath my smelly elbow.

5. Lack of study hall time. I normally write this fanfiction during my study halls if I'm bored, and (of course), this year my study hall is right when everyone hates me (IE: early in the morning).

(These last two are in no order, really)

6. Pretty Boy Club. We're on gaia, look us up, we rock. Give O P E R A T O R and R O B O T cookies, for they rock. And Sai-chan, too. She rocks. But, this club did take away from free time, as I am a mod, and a sexy mod at that. X3

7. Lack of Inspiration. I found my new inspiration on Saturday (thank you so much J-chan (you know who you are!)), and I felt inspired to write.

8. Third World Conditions for School. Yeah. I had to make bricks in the hot days, and eat very little. Not much time for writing in this time period. Because I woulda died if I attempted anything that resembled thinking. xD

And with that, let's get to replying to anonymous reviews!

Narukitsune: I like puppies too! That's why I felt I should add them. The number was inspired by Chiyo-chan, though! xD

Chiyo: The number was inspired by you, and you hate animals? I find that funny… xD

Crystalia: You get a cookie, indeed! I added another scene from Ouran here, but I drew it out. I drew it out a lot. xD

Raven: Yay! I'm glad you like my story! I think if people were all reading it, I would get much love-love! xD

Moozy: Don't worry, though! I will update more frequently! I promise! Because updating is my ninja… way… It's alright! I hope you can get your account back soon:O

MuzicLuvre: No! I killed Milady! (dies with her) xD

alex's little duckling: Ah! I shall have to re-read that series now! xD
narutomania: Nah, it's alright if you skip around a little (I do that with my school stuff! xD)

tea: The mushrooms will return next chapter! Worry you not! xD
personw/cookies: If you have cookies, give 'em here! Now! But I have to give you one for finding the scene from Ouran:D

Nekimo-chan: With me you need to pressure me! Otherwise I'll be lazy! So thanks for reviewing!

Well, read, relax, and review! Review! Even though I don't really deserve it, review! xD There are also some one-shots up, for those of you who weren't just satisfied with this one chapter!