Four months later...
"Arghhhh!" I shout, scrunching up yet another sheet of paper and dropping it to the floor angrily.
I huff, dropping my head into my hands and feel the muscles of my shoulders and neck bunch uncomfortably under the strain.
I've been at Brown for four months now and I'm drowning. I knew I would find college a step up, especially when attending a medical school, but this is so much more compared to what I imagined. I know I'm smart, I know I'm hardworking, I've always got good grades and I've never outright failed at something. But right now, I feel like I'm failing. What's worse, is I don't know why. It's like I just can't get my head in the game.
"You okay Edward?" I hear Ben say as he exits the bathroom.
"No, I'm not" I grumble, closing my eyes and trying to focus on my breathing.
"Still got issues with that homework?" He asks quietly.
"Yes Ben! I've still got issues with it!" I shout.
I feel bad about shouting at him. It's not his fault I'm struggling and to be honest, he's done nothing but try and help, but right now, I'm just...angry and worse, disappointed.
"I'm sorry" I mumble after a beat of silence, scrubbing a hand over my face. "I shouldn't have shouted at you".
"It's okay" He says. "Look, I'm going to go and hang out with Angela for a couple of hours, give you some peace and quiet." He says.
"No, you don't have to do that" I say, turning to face him and feeling guilty.
Ben's sitting on the side of his bed, his dark hair sticking up all over the place where he's run his hands through it. His big eyes stare back at me through his glasses and he almost looks like a charactature.
"It's fine Edward. I was going to go and see her anyway" He smiles.
"Okay" I sigh. "I'm sorry" I mumble, feeling bad that I was rude to him.
"Don't be silly. I get it" He chuckles. "Remember the meltdown I had over dynamical systems and differential equations?" He asks, snorting a little.
"Yeah" I chuckle, remembering how he literally broke down when his calculator ran out of batteries.
"We've all been there. I'll see you later tonight okay?" He says.
I nod, watching him head towards the door. Ben and Angela have grown pretty close since we started college. I think they bonded over not only their shared love of math, but also their shared awkwardness over social gatherings. I can tell Ben likes her but hasn't built up the courage to ask her out yet.
When the door closes behind him, I sigh, leaning back in my chair and closing my eyes. I really need to get my shit together or at this rate I'll be leaving Brown with my tail between my legs.
I sit there for about ten minutes, thinking over the problems I'm trying to work through and breathing steadily, my eyes closed when I hear the door open. I open my eyes, expecting to see Ben but instead Bella stands in the doorway.
"Hey" She smiles softly. She's dressed in jeans and a yellow sweater and looks every inch the Ivy League college girl.
"Hey" I say, immediately feeling calmer in her presence. "What are you doing here?" I ask.
"Well, Ben came to pick up Angela for their non-date-date" She giggles, closing the door behind her, "And he mentioned that you were having a bit of a meltdown".
I sigh, not sure whether to be annoyed or grateful to Ben.
"I'm fine" I shrug.
"No you're not. Talk to me" She says, sitting on my bed, crossing her legs and fixing me with a serious stare.
"I just...can't do it" I whisper, feeling embarrassed and like I might actually cry from the pressure.
"Can't do what?" She asks.
"Any of it. It's so much harder than I thought it would be." I start, feeling like now the flood gates have opened I can't rein my tongue back in. "The course is so fucking complicated and it's such a step up from high school. The homework goes on forever and I literally feel like I'm drowning!" I ramble, running a hand through my hair and beginning to breathe heavily.
"Baby" Bella whispers, coming to stand in front of me and crouching down so that her face is level with mine, "Just breathe" She says, removing my hands from my hair.
I try to do as she says, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. I look at her eyes, trying to focus on how they're a little more yellow in the centre and how her hair seems darker now that winter has arrived.
"Better?" She whispers, rubbing her thumbs in soothing circles against my wrists.
"Yeah" I nod, feeling a bit embarrassed for the almost-panic attack.
"I think everyone feels like they're drowning" Bella says gently.
"You don't" I comment.
"Of course I do." She says, looking surprised.
"Really?" I ask.
"Yeah." She nods, giggling breathlessly. "I had to write a five thousand word essay the other day and I'd literally said everything I could think of in two thousand. I had to think of three thousand more things to say!" She says.
"You never show it though" I mumble.
"Well, maybe you're just not there to see it" She says, nudging my arm. "Anyway, you're an amazing student Edward. You wouldn't have gotten into Brown if you weren't cut out for it" She says.
"Maybe they were wrong" I groan.
"Oh for goodness sake" She says, shoving my arm out the way and plopping herself down on my lap. "Do you think I'm wrong?" She asks.
"Ever?" I counter, seeing her try to hide a smile.
"No, smart ass." She says. "I might be wrong about many things, but I've never been wrong about you".
I look at her for a moment, letting her words sink in before giving her a small smile.
"There's that smile" She says, pinching my cheeks and making me chuckle. "I've missed it since I've been here".
"Sorry" I mumble as I roll my eyes.
"That's okay, you can make it up to me by coming with me to get some dinner" She says, standing from my lap.
"I should really-" I begin to argue.
"You should really take a break. Also I know that that homework isn't due for another two weeks so don't even try to claim that you don't have enough time" She says, putting her hands on her hips and looking down at me seriously.
I chuckle at her.
"Okay" I nod, standing and grabbing her hand before we head out of my room.
Bella's right, the homework can wait for one night. Right now, I just want to hang out with her and forget about it all.
We walk hand in hand out of the building before making the short distance to the food hall. Inside, we see it's fairly empty, still being a little early so we quickly grab some food and a drink before making our way over to a table at the back.
"Urgh, it's so nice to be out" I groan, almost inhaling my pasta bowl.
"See? Sometimes you should just listen to me" She says, poking me with her straw.
I roll my eyes, but can't deny that she's right.
"So, how's your day been?" I ask, taking her free hand in mine.
"It was okay. Jane and I went to the library this afternoon to work on our project together." She says.
Bella and I have made quite a big group of friends since we got here. We're both probably closest to Ben and Angela, being our roommates, but there's also Tyler and Eric next door, Jane and Jessica from Bella's English class, Paul from my medical course and Riley and Seth who I met when I joined the basketball team. We all hang out quite regularly with one another and they all seem like good people. I still miss Jasper, Em, Rose and Alice though, even though we talk most weeks.
"That's cool. Did you get much done?" I ask.
"Yeah, we worked out the points we're going to talk about if nothing else" She shrugs.
We're quiet for a while, eating in comfortable silence.
"Hey, wanna watch a movie when we get back to your room? Angela said she's going to the movies with Ben tonight so she won't be back until later" She says, wiggling her eyebrows at me.
I chuckle at how dorky she is.
"Yeah, that sounds good. What movie do you fancy?" I ask casually.
I know Bella well enough by now to know that when she suggests watching a movie, she actually means turning a movie on and having it play in the background while we have sex on my tiny twin bed. There's no harm in teasing her though.
"It doesn't matter. I don't think I'll be watching a lot of it" She says with a wink, making all the blood drain to my groin.
Bella and I finish our dinner before making the short trip back to my dorm room. I unlock the door before pulling her inside, her giggles filling the air. I lock the door behind us just in case Ben comes back early.
I really don't need him making a cameo appearance during this.
I switch on my bedside lamp before grabbing my computer and pulling up Netflix. I pick some movie we've seen a million times before, before grabbing Bella around the waist and pulling her toward me. She giggles as her knees land on the mattress on either side of me, her mouth fusing to mine.
I groan quietly into her mouth, swiping my tongue along her bottom lip before tangling with her own. Bella sighs into the kiss, her hands going to my hair, scratching my scalp lightly. I moan at the feeling before Bella groans at the feel of me hardening beneath her. She starts to move her hips back and forth over me and I begin to feel lightheaded before pulling away from her mouth.
As our eyes meet, my hands go to the hem of her sweater, pulling it up and over her head. I drop my eyes to her chest and feel my mouth water as I take in her soft, creamy tits, just right there in front of me. I kiss along the tops of her breasts, my hands going to her back, undoing the clasp before pulling the fabric away from her.
My mouth sucks gently on her nipple, making her groan and her hips move a little faster over me. I grunt at the feeling before Bella pulls my head away from her, her hands going to the bottom of my hoodie and pulling it up and over my head.
Our mouths meet again, the kiss becoming more heated as Bella drags her hands down my chest to my abdomen, brushing her fingers back and forth just above the top of my jeans. I groan at the feeling, thrusting my hips up slightly, trying to get her to touch me. She giggles breathlessly before I pull away from the kiss.
"Lift up" I whisper against her lips.
Bella lifts off of my lap and I move out from under her, rolling her onto her back, my hands going to the button on her jeans. I pop the button before dragging her pants down her legs and dropping them to my floor.
I kiss down her stomach, hearing her breathing become ragged before I slip my fingers under the thin fabric of her panties, pulling them down her legs and dropping them to the floor as well. I gently push her thighs apart, looking up at her before I take one long lick of her pussy.
"Mm" Bella whimpers, biting her bottom lip to keep quiet before I flick my tongue back and forth, swiping it between her folds.
My hands grasp her hips tightly as I kneel on the floor at the end of the bed, moving my tongue to flick quickly over her clit. Bella gasps and moans, her body writhing on the bed before I wrap my arms around her hips, pinning her down.
I bring her closer to the edge, hearing her pant and whimper above me before I suck gently on her clit. I hear her breathing stop and her legs start to quiver on either side of my shoulders. I slide one hand between her legs, slipping a finger into her opening, pumping it back and forth quickly.
"Oh shit" Bella moans, her back arching and her eyes fluttering closed.
I moan quietly at the feel and taste of her before I increase the speed of my tongue and curl my fingers, searching for that spot inside of her. I know I've found the right place when Bella's back arches and she cries out, her hand flying to her mouth to stifle her noises.
I groan as I begin to feel her walls fluttering and suck hard on her clit. Bella groans, her back arching and her fingers twisting almost painfully into my hair. I keep my mouth on her and my finger moving slowly, bringing her back down from her high, only moving away when her body collapses back against the mattress.
"Fuck" She giggles breathlessly. "You are so good at that" She tells me.
I chuckle, feeling my pride bloom in my chest before I stand, unbuttoning my pants and pushing them down, along with my boxers. I crawl back over Bella, grabbing a condom from the drawer of my nightstand and tearing open the packet, rolling it down my length.
I settle over her, Bella spreading her legs and wrapping them around my hips before I slowly push into her. I groan at the feeling, tucking my hands underneath the pillow behind Bella's head so that we can both fit on the tiny bed.
I begin a steady rhythm, pumping my hips in and out, in and out. I'm breathing heavily into the crook of her neck and listening to her little moans and groans and it's so fucking hot. I never get tired of it. I lift my head from her neck, kissing her hard and breathing heavily against her lips. I have to pull away as Bella wraps her legs tighter around my waist, digging her heels into my ass.
I know what that means, she wants it faster. I move my hips a little faster, a little harder, groaning at how fucking good she feels. Bella begins to pant harder, her moans turning more high-pitched and I begin to feel her walls fluttering around me.
"Oh fuck...yeah...come on baby...I can feel you" I grunt, my hips slapping against hers as I increase the pace.
"More" She whimpers, a small frown appearing on her brow.
I lean up on my elbows, reaching back with one hand and wrapping my fingers around her thigh. I pull her leg back toward her chest, tilting my hips slightly until I hear Bella whimper and her eyes go wide.
"Right there?" I grunt.
"Yeah" She moans, her back arching.
"Fuck...baby...I need you to cum" I groan, my head resting against her shoulder as I try to hold off for her.
I'm just about to cum, regardless of whether Bella is ready or not, when I feel her walls clamp down around me, pulling me over the edge. I groan as my hips pump sporadically as I cum hard, my body shuddering and twitching as I feel Bella shake underneath me.
When I eventually come down from my high, I'm breathing heavily, my lungs burning and my body heavy. I manage to lift my head and look down at Bella to see her smiling a dreamy smile and panting hard.
Her eyes flutter open before she giggles breathlessly, kissing me softly. I chuckle against her lips before pulling back.
"You okay?" I whisper.
"Never better" She grins.
I reach down, grasping the base of the condom before pulling out of her and rising to my knees. I remove the condom, dropping it in the bin next to my bed before climbing off the bed and hunting for my boxers. I pass Bella her underwear before getting redressed and crawling back onto the bed.
I pull Bella into my side, letting out a slow breath and feeling my heart rate return to normal. She squeezes her arms around my waist and I kiss the top of her head before grabbing my laptop from the side table.
"Want to actually watch a movie now?" I ask her.
"Sure" She chuckles.
We settle on a movie before I place the laptop at the end of my bed so that we can both see it. We watch the movie for a while before I hear Bella's little voice.
"You feeling better now?" She asks.
"Yeah. Thank you" I murmur, kissing her hair.
"Anytime," She says and I can hear the smile in her voice. "You'll be just fine," She says, squeezing me tight.
I smile a little against her hair before hearing the door handle rattle as someone tries to come into the room. I can hear talking on the other side of the door and chuckle as I move from the bed and walk over to open it. I turn the lock, throwing the door open and see the hallway empty before I stick my head out of the door and see Ben and Angela walking away.
"Hey!" I call after them.
They both turn, looking at me over their shoulders.
"Oh...hey...sorry, we didn't mean to interrupt..." Ben says his cheeks turning bright red. I stifle a chuckle at how awkward he is whenever sex comes up.
"You're not" I chuckle, "Come on in" I say, tilting my head and walking back into the room.
They follow after me, Angela closing the door behind them and smiling when she sees Bella. It's not until I walk back into the room that I realise it kind of smells like sex in here. I glance at Ben to see if he's noticed and his flaming cheeks would imply that he has.
"So, what have you guys been up to?" Bella asks, sitting up on my bed and pausing the movie.
"We went to the movies to see the new Spiderman movie" Angela says, perching on Ben's desk chair.
"Oh cool, was it good?" I ask, sitting next to Bella on the bed.
"Yeah, it was actually" She smiles, looking over at Ben. Ben nods in agreement.
"Did you manage to sort out that work?" Ben asks me.
"No, I gave up. I'll look at it again tomorrow. Fresh eyes you know?" I tell him. He nods in understanding. "By the way, I am sorry for yelling at you earlier. It wasn't your fault" I say.
"No big deal. I'm kind of flattered you feel comfortable enough to yell at me in the first place" He chuckles.
I chuckle with him, shrugging a little. We hang out for a while, talking about nothing in particular before there's another knock on our door. I stand to answer it, opening it and seeing Paul standing in the hallway. He looks stressed, his hair standing up haphazardly from running his hands through it. He's holding about four textbooks and there's a pen behind his ear.
"Wow, what happened to you?" I chuckle.
"Fuck, have you managed to do that homework we were set?" He asks.
"No, it's really fucking hard" I reply, leaning against the door frame.
"Oh thank god. I thought it was just me" He groans.
"Come in" I chuckle, tilting my head and gesturing for him to follow.
Paul walks into my room before seeing the others all sitting there.
"Oh hey guys, sorry I didn't mean to interrupt," He says.
"You didn't." Ben smiles.
Paul dumps his books on the floor before flopping into my desk chair and scrubbing a hand over his face.
"So you can't do it either?" He asks.
"Nope. Ben can confirm that I too am having issues with the assignment" I chuckle.
"It's true. He lost his shit earlier" Ben nods.
"Want to work on it together then?" Paul asks.
"Sure, tomorrow?" I ask.
Paul nods before I catch Bella's eye and she gives me a 'told you you're not the only one' look and I have to bite my lip to hide my smile.
"Hey Bella," Paul suddenly says, "Do you know a Jared? I think he's in your English class?" He asks.
"Oh, Jared Hunter?" Bella asks. Paul nods a little and I notice his ears turn a little pink.
Interesting.
"Yeah, I know him," Bella asks. "He's nice, why?" She asks.
"Oh it's just, we got talking at the fitness centre the other night and he mentioned he did English too so...I just wondered" He shrugs, looking a little awkward.
Bella nods and I can tell by the look on her face that she doesn't believe for one second that he just wondered. Her eyes meet mine and we share a look.
"Yeah, well, we hang out with Jane and Jessica at the student bar some nights. You should come next time" She says, smiling at him.
"Really?" Paul asks, looking a little surprised if not enthusiastic.
"Yeah, Edward, Ben and Angela come too so you won't be a fourth wheel or anything" She giggles.
"Okay, well...text me next time you're going then" Paul grins.
"Sure" Bella nods.
I see her go to open her mouth to say something else but there's another knock on the door. I can't help but laugh as I get up to answer the door once again. When I do, I see both Tyler and Eric standing in the hall.
"Hey-" Tyler starts to say before he sees the group behind me. "Hey, you having a party?" He asks, pushing his way into the room.
"Oh, just come on in" I tease.
Eric chuckles as he follows Tyler into our room.
"What's going on here then?" Tyler asks, plopping down on the floor at the foot of my bed, Eric taking a seat next to him.
"Oh just lamenting how hard college is" Paul replies.
"Fuck, I know right?" Eric chuckles. "I didn't even think I was at the right lecture the other day".
We all laugh, nodding in agreement.
"I feel like I'm drowning all the time" Angela admits quietly.
"Me too" I agree, seeing her look a little awkward at the admission and wanting to put her mind at rest. She gives me a small smile and I smile back.
"I think we all do." Ben admits.
"Definitely" Tyler chuckles.
We're all silent for a moment, lost in our thoughts before Tyler speaks again.
"Oh! The reason we came over in the first place is that it's Eric's birthday on Sunday and we thought we'd have drinks in the student bar. You guys want to come?" He asks.
"Sure" I agree. Bella nodding too.
Ben and Angela agree as does Paul.
"Hey, is it okay if I bring a couple of friends from my course? They'd really love to meet you all" Bella asks, glancing at me.
"Sure, what are their names?" Eric asks.
"Jess, Jane and Jared" She says.
"The three J's" Tyler chuckles.
"Yeah" Bella chuckles.
"Sure, sounds good." Eric nods.
Bella looks over at Paul and gives him a small smile and I notice he looks a little nervous all of a sudden.
"Hey, Edward, why don't you bring Riley and Seth too?" Eric asks.
"Okay, cool" I nod.
And just like that, we all forget that we're drowning and turn our attention to the party at the weekend. I look over at Bella and she gives me a soft smile. I can't help but return it, looking around the room at my new friends.
Maybe it's okay that we're all drowning, as long as we're life rafts for one another.