Title: Back to Me
Episode: 4x18 'Fear Nothing'
...
OA double-checked the contents of the go-bag before locking the door on the way out of Maggie's apartment. After nearly twelve weeks of recovering in the hospital, she was finally getting to come home… and there was no way OA wouldn't be the one to pick her up.
He had gone by her place to grab her a change of clothes and to restock her refrigerator. He wanted her to be comfortable and have everything she needed upon her arrival.
Now that was finished, so he hopped into his truck and started towards the hospital. He knew Maggie was chomping at the bit to come home. Being cooped up in the hospital was not easy for her.
She had been making a lot of progress, but it would still take time for her to fully heal… though there was a small chance that some of the nerve damage could be permanent. At least the rest of her recovery, save physical therapy appointments, could be done within the walls of her own home.
OA was going to stay with her for a while. He told himself, and her, that it was just to make sure she got settled in okay… that was only partially true. In reality, he didn't want her out of his sight in fear that something would happen. He knew chances of something going wrong were slim… but still. He had spent weeks in hell, wondering if he would ever get his partner back. Now that he had her, he wasn't quite ready to leave her on her own.
OA had been to the hospital every day since that day... save for the ones he spent working past visiting hours. He would spend nearly every minute he could by Maggie's bedside. Every morning before work, he would place a call to the hospital checking for any changes, then as soon as he left the JOC, he would make his way to her.
For the first three weeks, he spent that time talking to his unconscious partner, willing her to come back to him. She would show signs that she understood what he was saying, but everyday that passed without her waking up, OA lost that much more hope.
In the years that they had worked together, OA had never had to go this long without hearing the sound of Maggie's voice, or seeing her amused chocolate eyes and teasing smirk that she would send his way when she found something to make fun of him for.
He never thought it was possible to miss someone so much when they were right beside of you… but that's how it was for him until Maggie showed the first signs of waking up.
Ever since, OA had been so proud of his partner's strength. She fought every step of the way, was still fighting. Now, he was getting to bring her home.
Finally arriving at the hospital, OA grabbed Maggie's go-bag and took the route to her room. He was way too familiar with this hospital by now, and was anxious to leave it behind. He couldn't imagine how desperate Maggie was of the same thing.
When he got to her room the door was closed, but he could see through the window that she was sitting up in bed with the TV turned to the local news. She must've saw his movement, as she looked up and motioned for him to come in.
OA opened the door and stepped inside. She gave him a soft smile, which he quickly returned, but he could tell it didn't quite reach her eyes. It really hadn't since her exposure… and he missed that smile. "How're you feeling today?"
"I'm good, just ready to leave."
It didn't take long for the doctor to come in for one final discussion. He told her about her upcoming physical therapy appointments, and that if she started experiencing certain symptoms that she would need to come back in.
He agreed that it was a good idea for OA to stay with her awhile, and OA was glad to have a little back up on that. After he went through everything, the nurse came in with Maggie's discharge papers, and she helped her get dressed while OA stepped outside to call and update Jubal.
After a few moments, Maggie was able to leave. Per hospital policy, she had to be taken down in a wheelchair, something she grumbled about at first, so OA pulled the truck around to the entrance. He went to help her out of the wheelchair, but she gave him a stern look. "I can do it."
"Okay." He knew Maggie hated the feeling of helplessness, so he took a step back and watched as she eased herself into the truck. He knew he was going to have to watch himself over the next little bit. He couldn't hover like he wanted to, as that would only lead to Maggie pushing him away. He wanted to be there and help her with anything she needed, but he needed to remember that Maggie was capable of doing things… and asking for help was hard for her. He took it as a win that she was even letting him stay with her.
Maggie was fastening herself in when OA hopped into the driver's seat. He couldn't help but notice the slight shake of her hands, and the fact that it took a minute for her to accomplish the task.
She tried to mask the disappointment on her face, but OA could see right through it. He didn't say anything though, knowing she wouldn't want it brought up. Instead, he fired up the truck and started the drive to Maggie's apartment.
The drive was mostly made in silence. It wasn't exactly an uncomfortable silence, but OA could tell Maggie had a lot on her mind and he didn't want to interrupt. Maggie kept her gaze out the window, and OA would occasionally sneak a glance at her.
Exhaustion marred her beautiful features, and it wasn't just a physical exhaustion. OA knew this whole experience had taken a major toll on his partner's mental health, and that it would take time for her to recover… though she wasn't admitting much about that right now.
Once they arrived at Maggie's apartment, OA grabbed both of their go-bags before going around to Maggie's side. Her movements were a lot more careful than before the exposure, as she was still regaining her strength and mobility. It was something that frustrated Maggie, but OA knew it was possible that some of this would be permanent.
OA used his set of keys to get them into the apartment, and he gave Maggie a moment to take everything in. He had straightened up for her the evening before, wanting to make everything as good as he could for her arrival.
Maggie looked up at him and smiled. This smile was different from the one in the hospital… though it was small, this one was genuine. "Thank you. My memory is a little foggy, but I'm sure my apartment wasn't this clean when I left."
OA's mind flashed back to the last day she was here. That was the morning she met him at their favorite café for breakfast… that was the day everything changed.
Maggie must have been thinking the same thing, as her smile faltered a bit.
Ready to change the subject, OA noted that it was well past lunchtime. "Are you hungry?"
"A little, yeah."
"Okay, why don't you get comfortable on the couch, and I'll make some soup?" He posed it as a question, hoping she'd be more likely to accept. "C'mon, you know you love my soup." He grinned at her, and was rewarded with a fond eye roll.
"Yeah, okay. That does sound good."
He took that as a win and set to work in the kitchen. It was a recipe from his mother, one that he had made countless times for Maggie before. It was familiar, comforting… something he felt they needed right now.
Before long, they were both seated on the couch, watching some crappy reality show. Maggie glanced over at OA and chuckled. "You know, as much as it pains me to admit… you were right. I needed this."
"I'm sorry, did you say I was right?"
"Shut up."
"No, wait a minute. This might be the first time in five years that you've ever said those words." He was fighting a grin, and it appeared that she was too.
"You're exaggerating, OA."
"Whatever you say, Maggie."
Despite OA's protests, once they finished eating, Maggie helped load the dishwasher. OA wanted her to relax, but she told him she wasn't helpless and needed to do something after being in the hospital for so long.
Once that was finished, Maggie went in her bedroom to grab some pajamas. "I think I'm going to take a shower, OA."
"Okay, let me know if you need anything."
…
After a while of Maggie being in the shower, OA started to worry. He didn't want to start hovering again, but she had been in there for a long time. He made his way down the hallway, and gently knocked on the bathroom door, which was cracked slightly open. "Mags? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
He heard the sound of the water being shut off, then his partner's voice again. "I'll be out in a minute… sorry, didn't realize I was in here that long. The water felt good on my muscles."
When she finally emerged several moments later, she was clad in an old concert t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. What really caught OA's eye, though, was the fact that the task of showering appeared to drain Maggie of her energy.
That suspicion was further confirmed when she stated, "You know, I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Okay." He stood up and walked her to her room, not liking the pale shade her face had taken on. "Listen, if you need anything, I'm right here in the living room."
"OA, you don't have to stay. I don't want to be an imposition to you."
"Maggie, you are not an imposition. You're my partner, and I want to be here." Being with his best friend could never be an imposition… especially when he was so grateful that she was alive.
Maggie gave him a watery smile before reaching out to him for a hug. "Thank you, OA… for everything."
He immediately wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. This feeling… for a while, he thought he may never get to experience it again… but, she was here, safe in his arms, and he didn't really want to let go. "You don't ever have to thank me, Mags." He didn't feel like he deserved it.
They stayed like that for a few moments, then OA knew he needed to let Maggie get her rest. He pulled back and helped her turn back her bed covers. Once she settled underneath them, OA gave her a stern look. "I'm serious, if you need anything just let me know."
"I will."
OA wasn't sure how much he believed that, but nevertheless, he nodded and switched off the light. "Good night, Maggie."
"Good night. Could you please leave the door open?"
"Yeah, of course." He did as he was told before making his way out to the living room. He grabbed a spare blanket and pillow, turned off the lights, then settled himself on the couch for the night.
He laid there a while, with his eyes closed, listening to the gentle whir of the ceiling fan. He was tired, but he couldn't really get his mind to shut off.
Obviously, tonight wasn't going to be any different than the past few months. OA hadn't really been getting much sleep since Maggie's exposure, and what sleep he did get was plagued with nightmares of his partner's pleas for him to save her.
He had been taking more risks himself lately. He wasn't putting too much thought into self-preservation… and maybe that was because his life didn't seem worth as much if Maggie wasn't there to share it with him. Now that she was awake, that risky behavior had subsided some… but what hadn't gone away was the guilt. It coursed through his veins everyday, and he didn't see that changing any time soon.
He continued to lay there, exhaustion finally starting to creep in. His partner was safe, in her bed, just down the hall. With that thought in mind, he finally drifted off.
…
"OA, please! Get me out of here!"
OA jolted awake, as his partner's desperate voice cut through his sleep. It was the same nightmare he'd been having ever since her attack, the same heart-wrenching pleas she had cried while she was trapped.
"Please, OA."
OA jumped off of the couch as he heard Maggie again. This time it wasn't in his sleep… it was real. That was what had woken him up. Maggie really was calling out for him.
He rushed into her bedroom. There was enough light from the street lamps for him to see that she was still asleep. She was gripping the bedsheets, and tears were streaming down her face.
He switched on the bedside lamp, and gently grabbed her hand. "Maggie, Maggie, c'mon. It's okay, you're safe. I'm here, I've got you." He ran his thumb over the back of her hand as she whimpered, and it completely shattered his heart.
"Mags, you're safe, I promise. Please, wake up."
She started to calm down, and eventually opened her eyes. "O-OA?"
"Yeah, Mags. I'm right here."
She took in a few deep breaths as he continued to hold her hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."
OA shook his head and sat down beside of her. "Maggie, do not worry about that." That was just like her to put him before her needs… even during a time like this. It's what she always did. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Her voice was soft, and sounded a little raw. OA didn't know how long she had been having her nightmare, how long she had been crying. He mentally kicked himself for not hearing her sooner.
OA knew she wasn't fine. Who would be after what she had went through? "Maggie, you know you can be honest with me. You can tell me anything. Please don't shut me out."
She was silent.
OA tried again. "You remember what I told you four years ago? Wherever this goes, I'm with you." He lightly grabbed her chin, bringing her eyes to meet his. "Maggie, that hasn't changed… and it never will."
She looked down at their hands that were still tightly clasped together. "I- I guess this whole thing just really opened my eyes."
"Opened your eyes?"
"You know, before the sarin gas, well… I had been taking a lot of risks. I don't know, maybe I wasn't in the best state of mind… but this time I almost died. I took it upon myself to disregard you and Isobel's orders." Maggie paused, seemingly to gather herself.
OA waited patiently. He knew it took a lot for Maggie to open up. He was grateful that she trusted him enough to do so.
"I've had close calls before, OA… but nothing like this. This is what I get for constantly playing with fire." She swiped at her eyes, almost angrily ridding herself of the tears that had started to fall again. "Look, can we just not do this right now? I know I need to talk about it at some point, but I'd rather it not be tonight."
OA wasn't about to tell her no. There was no way he was going to push her into talking… especially about this. "Yeah, of course."
"What about you? Are you okay?"
He started to play dumb and ask her what she was talking about, but they both knew. They both knew he blamed himself for what happened, but it was a subject they had been carefully avoiding. She was right though, now wasn't the time. He didn't need to worry her with any of his problems, so instead he squeezed her hand and gave her a soft smile. "I'm fine, Mags… now that you're safe, and here with me."
She returned the smile, and he noted that it still didn't meet her eyes.
"Do you think you can get some sleep?"
"I can try. I'm pretty exhausted."
OA started to get up from the bed, but Maggie surprised him by gripping his hand tighter.
"Stay."
Her voice was so soft that OA wasn't sure if he heard her correctly. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah… I mean, you're too tall to sleep on the couch so you might as well just crash in here with me."
He knew she was trying to deflect, but he chuckled at the excuse she used. "Yeah, I guess you're right." They both knew it was for her benefit, but OA didn't mind a bit. If this is what would make her feel better, then he would do it a hundred times over.
He reached over and switched off the light before settling in the bed. He eased Maggie over so that he was facing her back, and proceeded to rub his hand up and down it to help her get to sleep.
They had done this before during their years of partnership. They had both had the sleepless nights where only their partner could get them through, so this wasn't exactly an odd occurrence.
OA couldn't help but let his mind drift to the thoughts of being responsible for Maggie being in this situation. If only he had broken that glass sooner, maybe she wouldn't still be recovering, wouldn't be having these nightmares…
"OA?"
"Hmm?"
"Please don't keep doing this to yourself. None of this is on you, I promise." She was still so quiet, but the sincerity cut through his heart. It still amazed him how well she could read him… but that had always been the case.
Of course, he didn't foresee the guilt going away anytime soon… but now that Maggie was here, and on the road to recovery, maybe they could mend their broken pieces together.
…
A/N: This was sitting in my drafts since 4x18, but I forgot all about posting it. I did want to do that in light of this season's premiere though. If anyone is interested, I do have a multi-chapter fic in the works that centers on this episode. Maggie and OA are in a relationship during that one, and it will focus on how that relationship is tested throughout Maggie's exposure and recovery. I'm not sure when the first chapter will go up, but hopefully I can work on that soon. Thanks for reading!