Disclaimer: No rats were harmed in the making of this fanfic. It was already dead when we found it.

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Keeping a zombie busy, Charlie reflected, was probably the easiest job he had ever taken on. All he had to do was keep his stick between himself and Ethan, and prod Ethan back into the clearing if he showed any inclination towards leaving. And since Ethan's mental and physical capabilities were decidedly unimpressive, Charlie rarely had to do even that. For the most part, they just stood there and eyed one another balefully.

"Uuuuuuurrrrrrrgggghhhhh," Ethan said.

"I concur," Charlie replied flatly, giving him an extra prod with the stick for no particular reason. Ethan looked down at the stick, made a half-hearted swipe at it, then went back to chewing on his rat.

Just as Charlie was toying with the idea of sitting down for a bit, Steve came running into the clearing with Locke and Boone right behind him. Ethan turned to look at the newcomers and groaned at them by way of greeting.

"There he is," Steve said, gesturing toward Ethan as one would toward a car in great need of repair. Locke squinted at the zombie in a curious, calculating way; Boone just wrinkled his nose and looked perturbed.

"Any ideas as to how to kill this thing?" Charlie asked.

Locke paced around the zombie for a minute, looking thoughtful. "What have you tried?"

"Whacking him about the head with a stick, mostly," Charlie replied, turning a little bit pink. In retrospect, it seemed like a pretty pathetic attempt. But he hadn't had any other weapons at his disposal, whereas Locke had ten thousand knives.

"Show me," Locke said mildly. It wasn't a request. Charlie hesitated, and Locke smiled at him. "I just want to see what's been done, that's all."

"Right," Charlie said. He hefted the stick, then hauled off and whacked Ethan upside the head as hard as he could. The zombie staggered forward several paces, then straightened, turned slowly, and gave Charlie a reproachful "uuurrrggghhh."

"I see," Locke said.

"Maybe you should try stabbing it through the heart or something," Boone offered, rubbing the back of his neck.

"No, that's how you'd handle a vampire," Locke said absently. "Zombies are a different breed."

"Uuurrrggghhh," Ethan said vengefully, taking several shaky steps towards Charlie.

"You know about zombies?" Charlie stared at Locke, not sure if he should really be surprised or not.

Locke shrugged. "Anyone who watches television knows how to deal with a zombie, Charlie, including yourself. Aim for the head." He grinned as he slid one of his many knives out of his belt. He gripped the knife by its tip, aimed carefully, and flung it at the back of Ethan's head.

Charlie didn't see the knife hit home. He just saw Ethan freeze, look slightly startled, then topple forward to land face-first on the grass. The knife was buried about an inch and a half deep in Ethan's skull.

"What kind of television do you watch?" Steve asked with something akin to awe in his voice.

"The Lifetime channel," Locke deadpanned. He walked up to Charlie, who was staring down at Ethan in surprise, and clapped him on the shoulder. "If you have any more problems, let me know." He turned to leave, Boone trailing obediently behind him.

"Wait," Charlie said. Locke turned back around and looked quizzically at him. "Your knife," Charlie explained, gesturing towards Ethan's prone form.

"I've got plenty," Locke said, waving a hand dismissively. He paused, then added, "You can take it, if you want."

"Thanks," Charlie said uncertainly, looking down at Ethan. He felt much more comfortable touching him with a long stick than he did touching him with his hands. "You know what?" he said to Ethan's corpse as soon as Locke and Boone had disappeared, "I think I'll let you keep it." He stared at the body for a few moments, then turned and headed back to the caves.

"You're just going to leave the thing there?" Steve asked, jogging a bit to catch up.

"Just for a while," Charlie assured him. "I want Jack to see him before I bury him again." He smiled a little, relishing the idea of proving the all-knowing doctor wrong. "I tried to tell him about Ethan earlier, and he acted like I was unbalanced," Charlie explained when Steve gave him a questioning look.

"Ah," Steve nodded. They walked in a companionable silence for a few minutes. Then Steve started to chuckle softly to himself.

"What?"

Steve grinned and shook his head. "I can't believe we were just dealing with a zombie. That's insane! He was going 'urrrgghh' and everything!" Steve demonstrated sarcastically, holding his arms out stiffly in front of him.

"That's The Mummy," Charlie said, cracking up.

"No, it's not!"

"Yes, it is!"

By the time they made it back to the caves, they were both cackling so hard they could barely stand up. Jack looked up from his Bag O' Drugs and stared at them, clearly unsure as to whether he should look amused or worried.

"Jack!" Charlie walked up to the doctor, grinning from ear to ear. "Good news. Locke has killed Ethan; Steve and I are witnesses."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Are you serious?"

"Oh, yes," Charlie nodded as seriously as he could. "If you don't believe us, you can go to that clearing where we buried him and see for yourself. Or ask Locke."

"Or Boone," Steve supplied.

"Right," Jack said slowly, regarding them both with his typical, doubting Thomas expression. "I'll be sure to do that."

"Excellent," Charlie said with a victorious grin before sauntering off to get some water.

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It had occurred to Charlie that Jack might think the body lying there with a knife in its skull had been some kind of sick, elaborate prank. But he hadn't worried much about it, because he did have quite a few witnesses. In fact, he had managed to forget about the zombie incident entirely for an hour or so as he talked with Claire.

But it all came rushing back when Jack beckoned him over to the makeshift infirmary, a concerned expression on his face. Charlie had tried to wave him off - he'd been in the middle of telling Claire a joke involving a penguin, an auto mechanic, and an ice cream cone - but Jack was insistent. So, after assuring Claire that he'd be right back, he climbed to his feet and walked over to where Jack was standing.

The doctor cut right to the chase. "I went to that clearing, Charlie."

"Oh. Good," Charlie replied cautiously, unnerved by Jack's tone of voice.

"I didn't see any zombies."

Charlie blinked, then nodded in sudden understanding. "He was a zombie," he clarified, "before Locke killed him. It probably looked like just a corpse to you."

"That's not what I meant, Charlie. There was nothing there, not even a body. All I found was this." He held up a knife and raised his eyebrows.

"But… that's the knife Locke used to…" Charlie trailed off, looking at the knife with growing horror. "Oh, hell, he's still not dead?"

"Look," Jack said patiently, "I saw how the grave was disturbed; I'm guessing some boars got into it. And I'm sure having Ethan's body disappear was hard for you to deal with…"

"You don't understand," Charlie cut in, struggling to keep his voice down. "I'm not a lunatic; four of us saw him!"

"I'm not saying you're crazy," Jack said in the kind of voice meant to soothe the violently insane, "I'm just saying that maybe you need to get a little more rest, that's all. You look like you didn't get much sleep last night. I can give you a mild sedative-"

"Oh, because that worked so well for Claire's problems, didn't it?" Charlie snapped. Claire looked up and frowned at the sound of her name, then struggled to her feet and walked over. Jack let loose a little sigh of exasperation.

"What's going on?" Claire asked in a tone of voice that demanded a straight answer.

"This is really between Charlie and I," Jack said, looking pointedly from Claire to her fire and back a few times.

"That's funny," Claire said dryly, not moving an inch, "because I thought I just heard my name pop up in this conversation that has nothing to do with me."

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"It's not really about you," Charlie ventured. "It's about Ethan."

"Charlie's under a lot of stress right now-" Jack began, but Claire cut him off.

"Wait." She turned to Charlie. "What about Ethan?"

"Well," Charlie said delicately, "remember how I seemed a bit distracted this morning?" Claire nodded. "Yes. Well, you see, the reason I was acting that way was because Ethan had sort of… you know… turned into a zombie." There. The truth was out.

Claire stared hard at him for several long moments, during which Charlie could feel himself growing increasingly red. "Ethan turned into a zombie?" she repeated.

"Yes. Four of us saw him," Charlie tried not to whine. He stared at the ground, not much wanting to see the looks he was undoubtedly receiving.

"Charlie, I want to know what's really going on," Claire said quietly.

"That is what's going on!" Charlie made himself look up at her. "I'm not lying to you, Claire. And if I was, don't you think I'd make up something at least remotely plausible?" That earned him a small smile. "I mean, honestly," Charlie added with a little more confidence, "zombies? That's bloody ridiculous!"

"I agree," Jack intoned. But before the doctor could grab Charlie and force sedatives down his throat, Locke and Boone entered the caves to refill their water bottles (much to Charlie's relief).

"Locke!" Charlie waved him over. "We have a problem."

"And what is the nature of this problem?" Locke asked, sauntering over and immediately glancing at his knife in Jack's hand.

"Jack went to the clearing, and that's all he found," Charlie said, gesturing towards the weapon.

Locke stared at the knife; its tip was slightly bloody. "That is a problem," he said, folding his arms and staring pensively in an upward direction. "When we find him, we may have to remove the head entirely."

Claire looked from Locke to Charlie and back. "You're both serious about this zombie thing?"

Locke gave a grim little nod; Charlie just shrugged apologetically.

"Will you listen to yourselves?" Jack shook his head, still stuck in Doubting Doctor mode. "Zombies don't exist!"

"Neither do polar bears in tropical locations, but we seem to have at least one of those," Locke said mildly. "Try to keep an open mind, doctor." He turned to address Charlie and Boone (who had, of course, followed Locke over). "Ethan isn't dangerous as long as you see him coming. But this means people have to be warned. Boone, you and I will secure the caves and make sure everyone is aware of the situation. Charlie, go down to the beach and make sure everyone down there is warned. And take this," he added, grabbing the knife out of Jack's hand and placing it in Charlie's. "It's not perfect, but it's more effective than a stick."

"Right," Charlie said, bewildered by the sudden onslaught of planning and still trying to process half of what Locke had said. The Great White Hunter smiled his trademark creepy grin and moved off with Boone. Jack rolled his eyes and stormed off grumpily, probably to find Kate and complain to her. Charlie continued to stare stupidly down at the knife, and didn't snap out of his reverie until Claire laid a hand on his arm.

"Charlie?"

He blinked and looked up at her.

Claire removed her hand and glanced away for a moment, nibbling her lower lip. Then she turned her eyes back towards him. "This is for real?"

Charlie nodded. "Most unfortunately."

Claire echoed the nod, a thoughtful expression on her face as her arms encircled her sizeable belly. "Are we safe here?"

"Oh, definitely." Charlie managed a small smile. "Zombie Ethan is much less dangerous now than he was back when he was alive. As long as you see him coming, there's really nothing to worry about. I mean, his top speed is 'mosey.' And you've got Locke to protect you, so…" Realizing that he was beginning to babble, Charlie shut his mouth.

"And you," Claire added.

Charlie blinked, not quite understanding what she meant. "What?"

"Locke and you," she clarified, the corners of her mouth quirking upwards into the tiniest and briefest of smiles. Charlie abruptly got it and felt his ears beginning to turn red.

"I should get to the beach," he mumbled, wanting very much to stay right where he was.

Claire nodded and turned back towards her little camp. She took a few steps, then paused and turned her head. "Be careful, Charlie."

"I'll be careful," Charlie said with a reassuring smile. Then he forced himself to turn away and walk out of the caves before he could change his mind.

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Where the heck did that romantic bit come from? (looks suspiciously up at brain)

GamgeeFest: Hahaha! He is kind of cute, in an undead, creepy way. :P And don't worry… all of the main characters will make appearances eventually.

cryogenie: Oh, Mello Yello… be careful with that stuff. ;) I liked that line as well… it's a double-jab for poor Charlie. And they TOTALLY are! It cracks me up. Thanks for the review; yours always make me giggle aloud.

Megan Sleevewillow: Hehehe! (points to disclaimer)

Anamaria Elentari: Oh, and there's so much more to come…

Satara: Quite a few people have come out of the closet about disliking Jack, actually. And Sayid will be coming up next chapter!

Medea12: DUN DUN DUN! Locke didn't kill the zombie! Oh, noes!

salvory: Why, thank you! More chapters are on the way!

Ember the angry Firedrake: Everyone's loving the Jack bashing:P Heh, I'd like to see your sister's reaction after you point out the unnaturally close proximity of Boone's eyes to one another.

Stahlfan125: I'm so glad you think my characters are IC! Seriously, it always surprises me when I manage it. Jack bashers, unite!

Esmarelda Gamgee: Thank you! I have:D

Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Hahaha poppies! That would be hilarious… Ethan's people are drug farmers!

FrighteninglyObsessed: Yeah, apparently Jack isn't perfect, either… but they've been very slow about showing us what his big flaws are, if you don't count his crippling need to always be right. Glad I amuse, though:P

Mint Sauce: You're like my unofficial beta! (hugs) The Chair bit was thrown in just for you. ;)

Thanks for the reviews, you guys! I really appreciate them!

Platy