A/N: You guys are the best. *new fb hug emoji*
Chapter 60 - Her Name
It took a while, but after some coaxing from her, he finally sat down. A plate and a fork at the head of the table, like it should be, like she'd daydreamed.
A chair is a chair, but one that tucks into the head of the table has some meaning. It's the place that has the table's full attention; it has presence. A father, a husband, the man of the house typically takes that seat, right there, at the end. Decades of the practice; in movies, on TV, at home with one's parents—that hour, when a group of people get together to have the last meal of the day. That chair … it's something. It could be anyone in it nowadays, but Edward sitting in it looks like something.
Bella thinks he looks … perfectly perplexed in it.
She went about her typical Saturday morning routine. How perfect. His timing impeccable. He didn't come on a weekday where chaos and shouting and walking over toys to get ready in the morning ensues. He came on a clear sunny morning, birds singing, and the breeze moving. A slow, lazy hour through a naturally sun-lit house. Bella in her nightgown, bare legs and feet. He sees every toe … her robe just touching her knees. Her folded leg is over the other as she leans toward her son. His son. Theirs?
Yes. Theirs.
Breathing is terribly difficult for both. But neither of them knows about the other. For Bella, her nerves make her shoulders tense, and fingers tremble. But she moves. She does. She cuts Elliot's pancake in pieces, blows on a bite, and takes the plastic, colorful fork to the boy's mouth. Happily, Elliot parts his lips as wide as they can go and accepts the soft, sweet piece of buttery pillow.
Edward watches.
Her slim wrist, her hand, the rings adorning a few fingers. The boy's pink tongue sticking out to get the sticky crumbs off a thumb. He's got her hair color, her mouth, but he sees everything else mirrored as someone else familiar. Edward recognizes his brother Emmett in Elliot's features. His own features? He doesn't know. It's been a while since he's looked in a mirror.
Edward watches everything.
That's what makes Bella tremble.
She senses and sees from her peripheral when he does pick up his utensil. She sighs. He simply cuts a piece and picks it up. Syrup slowly dripping off. But his eyes are elsewhere, dripping awe from all the details. There's just too much to see to take that awaiting bite.
Elliot is making the funniest faces, mumbling the strangest noises, as the toy in his hand flies around.
"So, you saw him in the woods on his walk?"
Edward turns his eyes to her. She's speaking to him.
"Yeah!" Elliot says around a full mouth answering. "And then we saw a deer-oh, and we ran toward it. It was a buck. The antlers were big."
Bella scrunches her brows.
Elliot's shoulders drop a little. "It wasn't danger-wus."
Yes, it was. Edward looks away quickly and finally takes the cooled bite.
"You know better than that. And you know you shouldn't be hiding from Nana either. Wipe your mouth." She hands him a napkin. The boy does, but his head moves over his stilled hand instead of the other way around. It's … a humorous sight.
"Sorry," Bella says, glancing at Edward. She can only imagine the awkward encounter. She's also heartbroken she wasn't there to see it. How serendipitous, though. She could cry.
Elliot is full. He instantly climbs out of the chair with some maneuvering, butt in the air, hugging the chair, finally landing on his toes. He runs away. Edward watches, transfixed.
Bella wrings her hands, finding anything to do. She stacks up the dishes where she sits and cleans up crumbs off the table with a napkin. Her heart just picks up along with it, as the buffer has fled in short legs. She thinks she will look up, but it's become a game of dare. Dare to look into his piercing eyes.
"When? How?" He speaks. He hasn't spoken in years, but he let that throat coat itself; a few swallows, a bit of effort, and a lot of will. He had to ask. Words build themselves, and they pour out.
Bella looks up, surprised. By the looks of it, she can tell his silence was kept sacred. She guesses this was most likely the first time he's spoken a word in a while.
She softly grins about the 'how,' but suddenly, her spirits dampen just looking at him. What does he mean when? "You don't … you don't remember?"
He doesn't speak.
She nods once. "You don't remember," she says, dabbing her lips in thought like she's finally been enlightened with some answers.
She sighs. "You saved me from drowning, and you ran off. I found you days later. I found your tent, and I told you that I loved …. I told you how I felt." She swallows heavily and watches for any recognition over his face. "And you … said what you said, but I couldn't let it go. I was crazy for you. Two years trying to find you … I … I couldn't let it go. So, I went back that night."
Edward is blank.
She's saddened. Shame flushing her. "I climbed into your bed," she says a bit more daringly. "It wasn't just me there; you kissed me back. You did a lot more than that," she argues desperately, safeguarding the fact.
He shakes his head, assuring her. He grazes his thumb across his chin, let's go of his fork and stares blankly at the table. He does remember. He just thought it was someone else, his insanity finally taking its toll. His chest constricts. The last button fastened at his collar is suddenly choking him.
"I just … I thought it was someone else ... in a dream. A nightmare."
Bella is confused. Put off, actually. Was she a nightmare … his nightmare? Something terrible? Who else would it be? Was there another he was spending his days with, bringing him food and conversation?
"You'd think me insane," he says suddenly. His eyes averted. "It's this Lady … of the Woods. To me, she is. She'd come when I felt like I'd die; when I felt I'd finally let go. In winter especially. Those were the worst times. She'd come, and she'd tell me things."
Bella is speechless.
He blinks up at her.
"The way it felt when you left, I didn't doubt her … visit," he says with a pause. "Do you understand?"
He's vulnerable. He glances at Elliot across the room, then at anything but her. He regrets saying so.
Bella is frozen in her seat. All these years he experienced something else entirely than what she did. She had love and wonder. He had a dream?
"Am I crazy?" He speaks again.
She scrunches her brows at him this time.
He finally catches her stare. His squared shoulders and dark eyes. "What do you think I mean when I say Lady of the Woods?"
Bella shakes her head slightly. She thinks. "Mother Nature?"
He says, "No. Death."
Bella can't speak. Death at his feet. Death at his tent. Death at his darkest moments. Bella left. There was darkness after.
"She'd ask me to follow her, and I always refused. That night, I hoped so badly it wasn't … her coming in."
He folds his hands over his lap, digging his nails in his palm in discomfort.
"Am I crazy?" He carefully reiterates.
Bella blinks her reverie away, taking in his true meaning. "No." She shakes her head. "I don't think you're crazy. You're the smartest person I know."
His eyes close for a moment. The watery blur threatens to run down his face.
"You, Jane, and all your brothers; you're all so bright. So is Elliot. He's two, he shouldn't know so many words and speak them clearly. You should know this. It's all you. You're not crazy, Edward."
He opens his eyes at her words.
A tear falls, and he holds back so strongly from falling apart. She sees humanity pull through him for the very first time.
"I thought I definitely went crazy when I saw you, your swollen stomach. There was nothing left for me to stay. It was clear."
"You saw me pregnant?" Bella asks, perplexed, her face instantly crumbling. Tears fall down hers, too. She falls silent, giving in to sorrow and anger built up through the years. She takes a breath, like she'll speak, but stops. She cannot. Then she tries again. "I went back every day to find you. Why couldn't you wait? Why couldn't you wait for me to come to you?" She cries.
He's quietly watching her.
Oh, she sees.
"You saw me pregnant, and you also saw James," she says with a nod, wiping her cheeks.
"Like I said, there was nothing left for me. No food. No plan. It was dangerous staying another day. I could've been found; they were getting so close. I just … wanted to see you for the last time."
Bella takes in his heavy swallow of words. Oh. She suddenly feels ashamed. His departure was inevitable. He didn't leave because of her, not in this ridiculous romantic way a silly girl anguishes over. It was because of his rules.
Elliot comes running, curious. Like a personified regret. He stands by Edward's chair and looks up at him. His little smile fades. And those two look at one another.
… Because of his damned rules.
"You missed so much," Bella says. "His first steps. With Jane. She tirelessly helped. You should've seen them, Elliot and your nephews together. You missed his first word. Of course, it was 'book.'" She laughs slightly, but a wave of sadness takes over her, making her lips quiver, her breath stagger. "And the long nights when he just wouldn't stop crying, like he knew something was … missing."
Edward is frustrated. The things he went through to stay away. All to find peace. Or was it to run away from reality? Feelings for a woman he's never had. Yes, he ran. But he crawled right back, it seems. That Lady rushed him out of that farm, a place he would've been content residing in for the rest of his life. He would've missed so much more. Like he dreamed many times, waking up with tears in his eyes, the feeling of something in the midst he was slowly losing. But he's back to where he started. The paths looked oddly familiar … he should've known. He should've known this boy was his.
He breaks down. He silently cries, chin to chest.
Bella runs to him. Now it's her chance. She hugs him where she stands. Elliot watches on, slowly getting close, too.
Edward presses desperate apologies to her nightgown, she over the crown of his head.
"The things I went through," he says. "The things I did, Bella. Bella …"
Her name. She cries along with him, but a spark of light shines warmly inside.
He's never said it. She didn't think he would even remember her name.
….