The Gift of Life - Chapter 3
Elizabeth looked up at the sound of someone entering the door to her office. Carson Beckett took one step in and then paused, waiting for the official invitation to enter.
"Carson, come in. I assume you're here to update me on John."
Beckett sat down in the chair across the desk from Elizabeth. "Aye, I am."
Elizabeth took in the despair in his face and the slump of the shoulders and she felt her heart drop. "This isn't good news, is it?"
Beckett shook his head. "No, I'm afraid not."
Elizabeth took a deep breath in an attempt to fortify herself against what was to come. After the events of the last couple of days, she wasn't sure if she could handle any more tragedy. She knew it had been just as hard on John's team, the frustration of seeing Kolya torture him with no way to help. If bad news was coming, they deserved to hear it with her, not after the fact. "Maybe I should call his team to hear as well."
Beckett scratched the side of his head thoughtfully, his thoughts running parallel to Elizabeth's. "Perhaps you should. We owe them that."
Elizabeth touched her radio. "Rodney, it's Elizabeth. Where are you?"
"We're on our way to the infirmary."
"Who's we? Are Ronon and Teyla with you?"
"Yes, they are. Look, I know Carson said we needed to back off and give Sheppard some time to deal, but we really need to see him, even if it's just for a few minutes. We won't stay long, unless he wants us to."
Elizabeth flashed a small smile at Carson, appreciating their concern for their team leader . . . their friend. "I need you to come to my office first. Carson is here with some information about John."
McKay stopped walking, almost causing Teyla to crash into his back. "Is this good information or bad information, because if it's bad, I don't want to know."
There was a pause before Elizabeth answered, her voice sounding soft on the radio. "Just come, Rodney."
McKay stood in the middle of the hall for several seconds, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. "We're on our way."
Twenty minutes later, they were gathered in Elizabeth's office, with Ronon leaning against the wall and the others sitting in chairs. The instant McKay was settled, he turned to Beckett. "All right, Carson, we're all here now. What's going on with Sheppard?"
Beckett looked around the room, pausing to glance at each person. "I'm afraid the colonel's condition it deteriorating. Some of his organs are beginning to fail in response to the shock of multiple feedings. We're doing what we can to support him and make him comfortable, but there is a chance that it won't be enough."
He knew by the surprise that registered on their faces that they had not been expecting anything like what he'd just told them. After the initial shock passed, Ronon just looked angry and Teyla looked as though she'd lost her best friend. Elizabeth had gone white as a sheet. Rodney just opened and closed his mouth several times like a fish gasping for its last breath.
"He's . . . He can't die after what happened. That is so not fair. What about the gift of life thing? How can he be given his life back, only to turn around and die when he gets back to Atlantis? Do something, Carson, you can't let this happen." Rodney sputtered as he spoke, desperation and panic in his voice.
"I'm doing everything I can, I promise you that," answered the doctor earnestly. "There's every chance that he'll recover and bounce right back. But I thought . . . in light of the chance that he might not bounce back, that you should know. We won't know anything either way for a while, probably a day or two."
"We should be strong for the colonel," said Teyla fervently. "He has been through much and we cannot be the cause of more suffering on his part. We must be positive and let him know that we are with him, that he is not alone."
"I think that's good advice," said Beckett. "He's got to keep a positive attitude if he's to have any hope of recovering. We can't have him giving up on himself, so be as positive as you can be without being too artificial with it." Beckett looked right at Rodney. "He needs to believe that he will recover and that we believe that."
Rodney frowned. "So what are you looking at me for? I can exude sincere optimism when I want to." He looked at the expressions on the faces around him. "Well . . . I can," he said indignantly."
oOo
John rubbed his face, exhaustion permeating every part of his aching body. Sighing in frustration at his weakness, he saved the note for Lorne he was working on and closed the window. Shifting to his right, he lifted the laptop up and toward the bedside table with shaking hands. Halfway there, a nurse appeared and helped him the rest of the way.
"Thanks," he said sheepishly, embarrassed at the trouble he'd been having with such a simple task.
"No problem, Colonel. You just need to let us know when you need help. How are you feeling? Any pain?" The short, blonde nurse wrapped her hand around his wrist and began taking his pulse.
"I'm okay."
The nurse finished and nodded and then checked his IV, monitors, and the bag he knew hung at the end of the bed. She didn't look happy at the last check and he figured that probably wasn't good for him. Next she moved to almost empty bag of blood, studying it carefully.
"Looks like your transfusion is finished. Dr. Beckett said he thought the one unit should be enough, so I'll just get rid of this for you." Sheppard perked up a little as she got rid of the whole thing, freeing up his right arm to move around some. He watched as she applied the band-aid to the small puncture mark and hoped he wouldn't need another. When she finished, she fussed with his covers a few seconds.
"Do you need anything?"
Sheppard shook his head. Nothing you can get me. "No, I'm good."
The nurse studied him intently, as if she was trying to crank up her x-ray vision to look deep inside him. Beckett must have had a talk with the relatively new nurse about his tendency to say he was okay all the time. "All right," she said, still not looking convinced. "Be sure to call me if you need anything."
John nodded cooperatively. "I will, I promise." He even used his best "I'm innocent and behaving" expression.
"Yeah, sure you will." The nurse turned and left and Sheppard breathed out a sigh of relief. She had been making him nervous, almost as nervous as Beckett himself.
John twisted around and tried to get comfortable without pulling anything loose. He finally squirmed himself into the pillow enough to be marginally happy with the position and leaned his head back. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on relaxing so he could get some much needed sleep. Within minutes, the face of the Wraith popped into his head, standing over him as he slammed his hand into the colonel's chest. Sharp pain instantly pierced his chest, radiating out into the rest of his body. John's eyes snapped open as he gasped for breath and grabbed his chest in near panic.
"Colonel, are you all right?"
John focused his eyes on the pretty young nurse that had just checked on him minutes ago, her brow furrowed in worry. She reached out and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I can call Dr. Beckett, if you like," she offered.
John sighed as he forced himself to pull his hand away from his chest and slow his breathing. "No, I'm fine. Just . . . bad memories."
The nurse nodded sympathetically. "Can I get you anything? I can stay a while if you'd like."
John smiled, appreciating the woman's genuine concern. "No, I'm good. I'm apparently just not tired enough to be closing my eyes yet."
"Okay. Let me know if you change your mind."
John watched as she went back to her duties and realized he'd never even asked what her name was. He started to close his eyes again, but then quickly opened them as he remembered what had happened before. He had to get over this. What was wrong with him? He'd been tortured before and he'd moved past it. He would move past this.
And yet he'd never felt pain like when the Wraith had fed. He was pretty sure he'd never even imagined pain like that. His stomach had clenched in fear when he'd seen the Wraith enter the room and John was pretty sure he'd felt every single year that was ripped from him. He shuddered and brought his hand back up to his chest, reliving the pain that the Wraith had brought. He wished the gift of life had included a way to deal with the physical and emotional trauma of living through the nightmare.
Of course the good thing was that he was now more sure than ever that he had done the right thing by shooting Sumner. He now understood the agony the man was suffering as his life was stripped away. There would have been no recovery from him, no one to restore his life. There was no way to stop the feeding from John's perch above the room. Shooting the man was the only way to save him from the pain and to keep the Wraith from gaining more strength from him. He knew without a doubt he would have wanted someone to do the same for him in that situation. He shivered, seeing the suffering in his commanding officer's face as if it had just happened. John pulled the covers up, suddenly cold.
He'd been fed on by a Wraith. Four years ago, he hadn't even known about the stargate and now he' almost been sucked dry by a bug, been very close to being turned into a bug, had his body possessed by someone else, and now he'd been fed on by a Wraith. He now knew what being old felt like and he didn't like it. He chuckled, thinking he liked the alternative even less. His mind was reeling from the horrific things he'd seen and had done to him, and yet he thought maybe this topped them all. He hoped he never had to get on a hive ship again, because it would be very hard to walk past the stored human food and not try to rescue them all. He couldn't imagine leaving anyone to that fate, knowing what it would be like for them.
And what of the Wraith? His Wraith. What if he met him again? All bets are off. That was the deal they had made. Could he stick to that? Could he kill the being that had tortured him and stripped away most of his life, only to give it back? John ran his hand nervously through his hair. Realistically, he wouldn't know until he was faced with that situation. Maybe he'd get lucky and never see him again.
. . . and our brothers.
John allowed his eyes to close as he huddled deeper into the bed and under the blanket, another chill running through his aching body. He wasn't aware that his mind had drifted until a touch on his arm made him jump.
"Colonel? I'm sorry lad, I didn't mean to startle you." Beckett looked down on his patient, feeling the tremors vibrate through his body. "Are you cold?"
John felt a little like something was caught in his throat, so he just nodded. He looked past Beckett to see Elizabeth and his team hovering just a few feet away. They seemed to be waiting for permission to come closer. He didn't notice Beckett had stepped away until the doctor returned with a blanket and spread it over John's shivering form.
"You should have called the nurse. She would have been happy to fetch another blanket for you."
"It's okay, I didn't get cold til just a minute ago. I take it you've been talking to my team."
Beckett nodded sadly. "Aye, I knew they'd want to know the truth. But I'll tell you what I told them. You've got just as good a chance of recovering from this as for it continuing to deteriorate, and I want you to concentrate on getting better. Attitude can have a lot to do with a person's recovery."
"I know, Doc. Look, I told the Wraith I was getting out of Kolya's prison alive and I did. I certainly don't intend to just lie down and die now that I'm back in Atlantis."
Carson smiled and gripped John's shoulder firmly. "That's the way, Colonel. I didn't think I'd have to worry about you having a negative attitude."
John smiled back up at the doctor, trying for more confidence that he really felt. "Just be glad you're not having this conversation with McKay."
"I heard that!" said McKay, who had edged up to within a couple of feet of the bed. "Surely you aren't implying that I have a negative attitude."
John smirked up at the scientist. "Sorry, Rodney. It has something to do with your rather popular, I'm going to die a hideous death speech."
Rodney crossed his arm and frowned. "That so isn't funny or accurate. I kill a mouse for you and this is the thanks I get."
John frowned in confusion. "You did what?"
By now, the others had taken Rodney's cue and moved in closer as well. Beckett turned from watching them back to Sheppard. "I guess you see you have guests, Colonel? Do you feel up to entertaining, or should I send them on their way?"
John grimaced as he shifted in bed and looked up at Beckett. "No, let them stay. I think my mind needs something to do besides replaying my little adventure over and over. I'm starting to freak myself out a little."
"How's the pain?" asked Beckett, his eyes studying the readings on the various monitors.
"Not bad, holding pretty steady." He felt a slight tightening of his chest and his heart felt strange for a few seconds as his ears registered as stuttering beat on the monitor. Then the pressure eased and the monitor returned to its regular cadence.
Beckett immediately got his stethoscope out and put it to Sheppard's chest. "That was the slight arrhythmia I've been seeing, colonel. Have you felt that before?"
"No," John said softly, noting the frightened expressions on his visitors' faces. "That's a new one."
Beckett straightened after several seconds. "I've heard it twice before, but you were asleep both times. I think it will correct itself in time. As long as it doesn't happen more often and the events don't get more prolonged, it shouldn't be a problem."
John nodded slightly, but his eyes still held a hint of fear. "Well, nothing else is working right, so why should my heart?"
Rodney gave a loud humph. "I still say this gift of life stuff should come with a warning label or a disclaimer or something. May not work in cases of multiple feedings. Not the responsibility of the gift-giver. I think you should get a refund." As soon as he said it, the absurdity of his comment hit him like a brick between the eyes. For a moment he was terrified that he'd made things worse when Carson glared at him with the mother of all killer expressions.
John laughed. He suddenly had this mental image of himself standing in front of the Wraith demanding a refund for the faulty gift of life and he dissolved in a fit of laughter that had him gasping for breath. The break in the tension was enough to cause the rest of them to join his hysterics within seconds. Pretty soon they were all wiping their eyes and Rodney was so relieved he almost fainted.
John looked up at Rodney when he had finally composed himself enough to speak again. "Rodney . . . I can always depend on you to say the weirdest things. Thanks."
oOo
Beckett looked at his watch and decided it was time to check on Sheppard again. It was almost 7:00pm and Sheppard's team had been taking turns sitting with him since their visit earlier that day. They had decided that someone needed to be there at all times in case Sheppard needed anything. Beckett knew they were all thinking he might not be with them much longer and they wanted to maximize their time with him. Sheppard seemed to appreciate the company and Beckett was glad to have eyes watching him at all times, in case he suddenly took a downward turn.
He found Rodney sitting in the chair beside Sheppard's bed, his laptop open on his lap but his eyes glued to the colonel's sleeping form. A slight film of sweat covered the sick man's face and he seemed paler than he had earlier. He shifted restlessly and occasionally moaned or mumbled incoherently. Lines of tension and pain creased his face and made him look even more uncomfortable.
"Rodney," Carson said softly.
Rodney looked up at Beckett, his eyes heavy with worry. "He's getting worse, isn't he?" His whispered voice sounded rough and uneasy.
Beckett nodded sadly. "Aye, I just got his latest blood work back. Kidney and liver functions are both down from earlier." Beckett nodded his head toward one of the monitors. "His oxygen levels have dropped off a bit too. Not enough to be problematic as yet, but I'm afraid they'll continue to drop until they are."
"Isn't there anything else we can do?" asked Rodney, desperation in his voice.
Beckett felt a heaviness in his chest that seemed to want to drag him down. He had just spent the last several hours reading and studying in hopes he could find something else they could do, anything that could increase Sheppard's chances of surviving. "No, Rodney . . . we're already doing everything that can be done. It's up to the colonel now."
Rodney looked back at Sheppard, just watching silently for several minutes as the colonel seemed to struggle just to sleep. "He's going to die, isn't he?"
Beckett felt a little like someone had just punched him. He wanted so badly so give a resounding NO to that statement, but he knew he couldn't. "I don't know, Rodney. I wish I did, but I don't. He still has a chance at turning this around."
"I'm guessing the longer this goes on, the less his chances for recovery." Rodney waited quietly for several seconds, watching his friend as he was beginning to thrash around more in his restless slumber.
"That's right."
Sheppard suddenly cried out and grabbed his chest, gasping for air as his eyes opened and looked around wildly. McKay was on his feet immediately, grabbing Sheppard's hand as Beckett moved around to the other side of the bed.
"Colonel, it's Rodney. You're here in Atlantis with me and Carson. No Wraith or Kolya, we're safe and sound here in the infirmary." Rodney maintained eye contact with Sheppard until he could tell the man had focused on his face and was showing signs of recognition. "It's okay, colonel, we're all okay."
Rodney and Carson eased their hold on Sheppard and he pulled his arms away, rubbing his face with one hand. "Okay . . . bad dream."
Beckett watched Sheppard's pained expression for a few seconds and the way he was breathing through clenched teeth. "Colonel, are you in pain?"
"Not bad," said Sheppard. "Just . . . a little nauseous."
Beckett nodded, but didn't seem surprised. "I'll get you something for that. You sure the pain isn't too bad?"
"No, I'm good. Just feel sick."
Beckett looked up at Rodney. "Stay with him and I'll be right back."
McKay nodded. "I'm not going anywhere." He looked back down at Sheppard and breathed out deeply. "Hang in there, colonel. We didn't come after you just to have you check out on us now."
John gave a small smile. "It's okay, Rodney. Gotta stick around and annoy you."
"Yeah, cause no one does that better than you."
oOo
Rodney woke to the sound of a blaring alarm. He rubbed his eyes and looked blankly at the flat line on the monitor before realizing what it actually represented. Jumping to his feet, he was shoved out of the way by the group of medical personnel that converged around Sheppard's bed. He stood several feet back, his heart thumping wildly in his chest as Beckett called out order after order, but the alarm continued to blare. Eventually, he heard the sound of the defibrillator being discharged and Carson calling to try again. He had no idea how long that went on or how many times they tried, but finally the frantic pace slowed and a heavy silence fell over the group. As people began to move slowly away, he saw Beckett pull the sheet up over Sheppard's head. Looking at Rodney, he shook his head sadly.
"Rodney, wake up lad."
Rodney blinked heavily and sat up. His neck and back screamed at him for the sad position he'd gone to sleep in. He looked up to see Carson leaned over him and Teyla standing beside him. Rodney turned to the monitor right beside his chair and didn't exhale until he saw the steady rhythm displayed on it. "Guess I went to sleep. What time is it?"
"It's almost six. Why don't you get some breakfast and then go get some real sleep," offered Carson.
Rodney stood and stretched as he checked on Sheppard. He was surprised to see the man awake and watching him.
"You okay, Rodney?" asked John.
McKay was stunned at the question. "Yeah . . . why, don't I look okay?"
John frowned as he tried to push himself up farther on the pillows, wincing at the pain the effort stirred. "I thought you were having a nightmare. You seemed . . . upset."
It was then Rodney rubbed his face, only to have his hand come away damp with the tears he'd wiped away. He quickly looked away and cleared his throat. "I'm fine, just, you know, weird dreams. That always happens when I go to sleep in strange positions like slumped over in a chair."
"I'm glad you are well, Dr. McKay. I too was worried when I came in. I can stay with Colonel Sheppard for a while so that you may get something to eat and some rest."
McKay turned back to Teyla, having regained his composure. "Okay, that sounds good. I am pretty hungry, actually." He turned back to Sheppard, but stopped before saying anything. He noticed for the first time how odd the colonel's color was. "Carson . . . is he yellow?"
Carson nodded as he looked at the slight yellow tint to Sheppard's skin and the whites of his eyes. He'd noticed it as soon as he'd come in that morning. "Aye, it's jaundice, Rodney. It's because of the decreased liver functions."
Understanding crossed Rodney's face and he nodded. "Oh, yeah, I should have known that." He looked at Carson, worry deepening in his face. Carson's expression did nothing to make him feel any better. But for once his sensitivity filter was on and working, so he didn't say anything about John's deteriorating condition. Instead, he decided to go for a Rodney remark. "So, colonel, been hitting the sauce lately? I think you've been holding out on us."
John smiled. "Nope, not hardly. Other than the occasional beer, I really don't drink much. And here lately, not at all. I've discovered a distinct shortage of liquor stores in the Pegasus Galaxy."
"Good thing, I don't think your liver is up to it right now. We could have the Daedalus bring some on its next run so we could have a little celebration of sorts. Carson should have you up and running by then."
John's smile faltered just a bit before he restored it. "Sounds like a plan."
TBC