Author's Note: I need to clarify a couple of things. First, I've been asked if this is slash and the answer is a resounding NO. This is just friendship between John and Rodney. I probably have a mushy, girly way of portraying friendship that may seem like slash to some, but that is not my intention. I may do Shep/Weir on occasion, but I don't write slash.

Second, the arrhythmia and the faulty heart valve are two separate problems. I don't think I made that clear and I plan on trying to fix that one of these days, but until then, just wanted you to know. Beckett picked up the valve problem with his stethoscope and the arrhythmia on the monitor. Sometimes what's in my brain doesn't make it out on the written page very well, and for that I apologize. That's probably why I don't get paid to do this – LOL.

Last, but not least, thanks to all who have read and reviewed. You guys make my day each and every time! Oh, and you might need a Kleenex for this chapter.

The Gift of Life – Chapter 4

Sheppard listened to the quiet conversation between members of his team. By mid-morning, they had all ended up back in the infirmary. McKay had barely been gone two hours before he returned looking fed and showered, but not like he'd gotten any sleep. Once there, they had refused to leave, just watching John sleep or work on his computer when they weren't engaged in strolls down memory lane. John was rather surprised when he realized how very much their presence meant. During a lull in the conversation, he decided it was time to have his say. The pain had gone up a notch or two and the fatigue was dragging him down faster and faster. On top of that, he found himself short of breath and having to work harder and harder to get enough air. He knew his lucid, functional time was growing short.

"Guys, I need to talk to you for a minute," he opened.

"No," said McKay sharply. His expression softened slightly as he shifted his gaze to Sheppard. "I don't want to hear it. Better yet, you can just tell me next week or next month or next year. But not today." His mind went immediately back to Sheppard sitting on the puddle jumper floor with an iratus bug attached to his neck, sucking the life out of him. He remembered Elizabeth turning down his impending death speech, saying he could tell her later.

Sheppard frowned and licked his dry lips, wishing he could spare his friend what was to come. "I'm sorry, Rodney, I am. But I may not be here next week and I need to say this. Please . . . just listen."

McKay looked at the floor, his shoulders slumped forward as he leaned his forearms against his upper legs. "You don't know what you're asking," he said softly.

Sheppard used most of his remaining strength to sit up and lean over the bed so he could put his hand on McKay's shoulder. "Yes, I do. But I need to do this and I need for you to listen."

McKay quickly swiped his hand across his face as he stood and eased Sheppard back down to his pillows. "Fine, but you owe me big time for this. I expect your dessert for a month, as well as unlimited device activation. Now stay put before you catapult yourself out of bed and get us both in trouble." McKay remained by his friend, one hand on the bedrail and within easy reach if Sheppard felt the need for contact.

"Thanks, Rodney." John leaned his head back and tried to keep his breathing under control. He felt like he was breathing way too fast, but he couldn't seem to slow it down without feeling like he was suffocating. Clearing his throat, he decided he'd better hurry as nausea rolled through his stomach, causing him to pull his legs up slightly to relieve the pressure.

"Okay, first thing is I want you to know that no matter how this turns out, I don't regret coming here. I wish I could change a few of my decisions and maybe make some things better, but I wouldn't give the last three years up for anything. There have been times when I was horrified and times when I was scared out of my mind, but this has been the most exciting and . . . truly real time of my whole life. No matter what, it's been well worth the ride. One of the things that's been so important is you guys." John hesitated, looking down for a moment as if struggling for the right words.

"I already told Teyla that I'm not very good at this stuff, but you guys . . . are the closest thing to family I've had in a very long time. In some ways, you are my only family. I know I can always depend on you to have my back and . . . I haven't always had someone to do that. It means more than I can tell you. That alone would make this whole adventure worth the risks that we've taken."

John went to clear his throat, but he ended up coughing for several seconds until Teyla brought him a cup of water. When he was able, he drank most of it and handed the cup back to Teyla, noticing how moist her eyes were when he looked up into her face. Glancing over at Ronon, he found the big guy staring at the floor uncomfortably. He knew this was hard on them, but he'd feel better if they knew how he felt before he reached the point where he could no longer tell them.

"I want you guys to stay together as a team. You're good and you work well together. You know each other's strengths and weaknesses and you mold around that without even having to think about it any more. I'm requesting that Lorne take over the team. He's a good officer and you already know him. We've worked with him on several occasions, so I think the transition would be pretty smooth."

"Smooth?" McKay gaped at Sheppard, his face beginning to flush with anger. "What's going to be smooth about losing my best friend, getting him back, and watching him die again? What's smooth about you sitting here calmly telling us good-bye and setting up your replacement? If you think there's anything smooth about what's going on, you're even crazier than I thought!"

"Rodney," said Teyla, warning in her voice and her eyes flashing as she grabbed him forcefully by the arm and tried to pull him back from the side of the bed. Ronon was already getting to his feet, watching the two in case he needed to come between them.

"No, Teyla, it's okay," said Sheppard calmly. "Rodney, I know this seems really bad, but I've honestly come to terms with it. Mostly I'm just thankful that I didn't die alone in that cell or sitting in that chair with you guys watching from Atlantis. I thought that was how it was going to end. This way I get to see you again and say some things that I should have said a long time ago."

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe we haven't come to terms with it? And who gave you permission to just give up? Why aren't you fighting this?" Rodney was now gripping the rail with both hands so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"I haven't given up, I'm just getting prepared in case things don't go well. I'm sorry, Rodney, but what I'm feeling is . . . that the battle isn't going in my favor. But I can promise you that I haven't quit fighting and I won't until my last breath. I just think . . . I just needed to say some things in case I didn't get another chance."

McKay took several deep breaths during the ensuing silence and Teyla let go of his arm. His grip on the rail loosened slightly as he looked at Sheppard. "Okay . . . but you don't give up . . . not ever."

Sheppard smiled and nodded. "I'm not giving up, Rodney. I promise."

Rodney eyed him warily, finally accepting the answer and giving a small nod.

John turned his gaze back to his team. "One more thing."

McKay looked stricken. "Oh my god, you aren't through yet? You better not start confessing your sins to us, because I really don't need to know."

John was pleased that Rodney had gone back to insulting and harassing him. He knew it was the scientist's defense mechanism, but it meant Rodney was coping and made him feel like the man would be all right. "I want all of you to help look after Elizabeth. We've come to depend on each other a lot and I'm afraid this will be hard on her. Caldwell will undoubtedly have himself planted here in no time and I'm afraid he'll try to make things difficult for her. He thinks this should be a military operation and he doesn't like not being in charge. He won't be purposefully vindictive, but he won't try to work with her like I do. Just back her up when needed and maybe offer some emotional support, at least at first."

They all nodded, knowing the expedition leader did rely on Sheppard for help with decisions and support with running Atlantis. They knew that she would need all the help she could get when Caldwell took over. They also knew that he would set about changing everything so as to let everyone know that Sheppard was gone and he was now in charge. He'd already tried that once before, when Sheppard was infected with the retrovirus.

"Oh, and . . . if it does come down to it . . . I don't want to be sent back to Earth. There's nothing there for me and no one that cares. I'd just as soon be buried on the mainland or have my ashes scattered on the ocean around Atlantis or something. Doesn't much matter, just don't send me back to Earth. There's no one there to claim me."

Teyla finally lost the battle to hold the tears back and she bowed her head as they streamed down her face. McKay just stood looking down at his friend, sad that there wasn't anyone outside Atlantis that Sheppard felt cared if he lived or died. Rodney always thought he was probably more alone than anyone, but even he had a sister that would want to know if something happened to him. Ronon understood because he was in the same situation. These people were the only family he had left. Atlantis was all that he had.

Ronon stood looking at Sheppard for a few minutes, the colonel finally looking up to make eye contact. The big man stood up straight and strolled slowly over to the side of Sheppard's bed. "I'd tell you that you've become a good friend and that you are a good soldier who I've come to respect, except then you might look at me funny when we spar or run. I'm not much on mushy stuff, so let's just leave it at I'll be glad when you're back on your feet. Hurry up and get better Sheppard, because this whole business of sleeping in infirmary chairs is messing with my back."

Sheppard smiled and nodded. "Working on it big guy. Working on it." Teyla gripped John's hand and Rodney put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed. Whatever happened, John knew he was home and his family was with him.

oOo

Elizabeth paused in the doorway of the infirmary, watching Sheppard's team huddle around him. Teyla was touching her forehead to John's, with Rodney and Ronon standing on either side of her. It looked like a very intimate and touching moment, so she didn't want to intrude. Stepping through the door of Carson's office, she spotted the doctor sitting at his desk, studying some papers.

"Carson? I thought I'd come by and check on John."

Beckett smiled grimly and waved her in. "Aye, lass, come on in. I've just been going over his test results from earlier today. Not good news, I'm afraid."

Elizabeth dropped into one of the office chairs, her heart plummeting. "Carson . . . " She didn't know what to say. She knew he was doing everything possible, but she wanted there to be more.

"I know . . . I feel the same way." The sadness in Beckett's face did not dispute the admission. "It's hard to just sit by and watch him go downhill like this, especially after what's happened."

Elizabeth stared at the floor as she worked up the courage to ask the question she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to. "Can . . . can he still recover, or is it too late?"

"No, it's not too late," Carson said hurriedly. "That's why I need everyone to be as positive and encouraging as possible. He could still turn this around and I bloody well hope he does."

Elizabeth narrowed her gaze sharply at the physician before her. "Are you giving odds?"

Beckett smiled. "I never give odds. Too dangerous. I just keep reminding myself of the times he pulled it out at the last minute. The lad is awfully fond of scaring the daylights out of us all and I'm planning on that being what's happening now."

Elizabeth sighed and rubbed her tired, burning eyes. "I hope you're right. God, I hope you're right." Elizabeth stood and looked at Carson. "I think I'll go say hi."

Carson nodded. "That's an excellent idea. I think he was wanting to see you earlier."

Elizabeth chewed on the edge of her lip. "Yeah, I think he's been trying to tell me his last wishes, or the equivalent. I just wasn't up to hearing that."

Carson's expression sobered as he looked at her. "Maybe you should listen to him."

Elizabeth felt like her heart dropped about two floors. Unable to speak, she just gave a small nod as she turned and left the office, heading for Sheppard's bed. Rodney looked shell-shocked and Teyla and Ronon just looked sad. She took a deep breath, trying to fortify her courage as she told herself that everything would be okay.

Teyla moved away from the bed to sit in one of the chairs and Rodney plopped down in the one beside her. Ronon paced back and forth at the foot of the bed as she walked up to stand beside John. "John, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," he said, almost before the question was out of her mouth.

She studied him, noting the pain in his eyes and small, tense motions as he shifted uncomfortably under the covers. The corners of her mouth turned up just a little. "You are such a liar."

John smiled. "I prefer to think of it as a small exaggeration. I've been better, I'll admit, but I've also felt much worse." Being fed on by a Wraith popped firmly into his head, followed by the haunting, phantom pain in his chest. A tremor ran through his body and he was helpless to stop it, closing his eyes for a moment as he pushed the memory away.

"John?" Her hand was on his arm and he patted it reassuringly.

"I'm okay, Elizabeth. Look . . . I know you don't want to talk . . . if it comes down to it, I put some stuff together for you and Lorne on my laptop. I kind of wish you'd read it now so you could ask if you have questions."

The pleading look was more than she could handle. She had to take a few deep breaths to keep from losing her composure. "John, I'm sure that won't be necessary." She felt really bad at the look of defeat that crossed his face.

"Well, okay. I'll just email it to you and you can look at it when you get a chance."

Elizabeth nodded. "That sounds like a good idea. John . . . Carson says you can still defeat this thing. I hope you haven't given up."

John shook his head. "No, we just had that discussion. I'm still fighting and will be til the . . . well, until it's over one way or the other."

They all turned as Carson came up to the bed. "Colonel, I need to check some things and then I'll let you get back to your visitors." After checking Sheppard's pulse and blood pressure, he checked the IV and the monitor readings. He stood looking for a few seconds before using the stethoscope to listen to his patient's heart and lungs.

"Colonel, you seem a little short of breath."

John nodded. "Yeah . . . been noticing that."

Carson watched the monitor connected to the pulse oximeter for a few seconds. "I think we're going to put you on nasal cannula to give your respiratory system some support. I'll be back in a jiffy."

Silence hung heavy in the air after the doctor left. They all knew it was evidence of John's deteriorating condition.

oOo

John threw the pebble, hooking it from the side so that it skipped several times across the surface of the lake. Keeping his gaze on the mirror-like water, he watched as a stone skipped even farther than the one he'd thrown. "Nice. You learn fast."

"There is much you do not know about Wraith."

John glanced sideways at the Wraith beside him, hunting for a new pebble to throw. "Yeah, well there is still much you don't know about humans. Like what's with this gift of life stuff that turns out to be just another way to die? Rodney says I should ask for a refund."

The Wraith stood to look inquisitively at him. "A refund?"

John chuckled as he shook his head. "Never mind. I thought you healed me . . . restored my life . . . I'm dying."

The Wraith stood looking at him for several moments before lowering his gaze. "For that I am truly sorry. I fear it is because you were fed upon so often. That is not our normal way and I had no means of allowing for it. There is nothing I can do."

John took the stone he held in his palm and fingered it for several seconds before throwing it into the water, making no attempt to skip it. "Yeah, well, thanks for trying," he said bitterly.

"The gift of life is an honor and is not often bestowed."

John chuckled again. "I know, for your most devout worshippers and your brothers. Well, I guess you know I'm not a worshipper, devout or otherwise, so does that make me your brother?"

"What do you think, Sheppard?"

John sighed and sat on the ground. "I don't know any more. Brothers? We're both soldiers, I guess, and we worked together to defeat a common enemy and to work toward a common goal."

The Wraith sat down beside Sheppard. "Yes, we worked together to defeat evil."

Sheppard smiled at that. "I would have to agree that Kolya is evil, the very embodiment of the word if you ask me."

Nodding, the Wraith continued. "We both work to protect our friends and our people, to preserve our way of life. It is just that, by fate, we lead different lives. But we both have strength and courage and honor."

Sheppard rubbed his face and sucked in a deep breath. For some reason, it was difficult to take in enough air. "Yeah, well, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you're actually the first Wraith I've met with the whole sense of honor thing going for him."

The Wraith studied him for several moments before saying anything. "And I have not met many humans with your sense of honor or your strength."

"Well, it doesn't matter now anyway. I still thank you for restoring the years you took so I could live long enough to get home."

The Wraith lifted his hand as if to put it on Sheppard's chest and the colonel flinched away. "Whoa, what are doing? I'm not doing that again!" He pushed himself back, away from the creature sitting beside him.

"I will not hurt you, I merely want to show you the strength you have inside you. I cannot help you, but you can help yourself. Learn to draw from that inner strength and you may still live." The Wraith slid forward, his hand moving to touch John on the chest. The pilot immediately tensed as he felt the cold touch his skin. But instead of pain, there was a strange tingling, almost like the touch of a stunner. John felt like he was falling and then there was nothing.

oOo

Elizabeth paused as she entered the mess hall to see John's team sitting at one of the tables. Surprised to find them out of the infirmary, she poured the cup of coffee she had come in for and made her way to their table. Each had a tray of breakfast food, but it looked like there had been more stabbing and poking than eating. Subdued and melancholy were the descriptions that came to mind as she pulled up a chair to join them.

"I'm surprised to see you guys out of the infirmary. I was beginning to think you'd grown roots," she offered.

Ronon glanced up from mashing his scrambled eggs with his fork. "Beckett kicked us out just after midnight and told us not to come back until eight at the earliest. He said we needed rest and Sheppard would just be sleeping."

"I still think we should have staged a revolt and stayed," mumbled Rodney. "There are more of us than of him. What if the colonel wakes up alone?"

Teyla sighed. "Dr. Beckett assured us that someone would be with Colonel Sheppard at all times. Besides, he said he needed to run some tests this morning and we would just be in the way."

"Way, schmay. The quack was just tired of us cluttering up the place," Rodney muttered, his voice tight with tension.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow as she stared at Rodney. "So, did you get any sleep?"

Rodney snorted loudly. "Right, cause it was so easy for us to sleep knowing our friend was dying in the infirmary just a few days after watching him almost get sucked dry by a Wraith. And just how well did you sleep Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth stared down into her coffee wordlessly.

"Right," said Rodney.

Elizabeth looked up at Teyla, who was watching her sympathetically. "Was there any change in his condition after I left last night?"

Teyla nodded. "Yes, I'm afraid Dr. Beckett had to change the colonel over to an oxygen mask. He said his oxygen levels were getting too low."

Elizabeth rubbed the side of her face absently. "That doesn't sound good." She quickly looked down at her watch to see how much longer before they could see John.

"It's only fifteen minutes now," said Rodney, answering her question. "I think we should head that way. Maybe Carson will let us in early." They all stood and began gathering their trash, silently following McKay's suggestion.

By the time they entered the infirmary, it was almost eight. They made their way slowly and quietly to Sheppard's bed to find Carson sitting in a chair, watching his patient sleep. They didn't speak, just watched Sheppard's still form, the irregular rise and fall of his chest the only movement. Beckett finally stood and turned to the visitors.

"We couldn't wake him this morning for the scan. At his present rate of decline, we'll have him on the ventilator by this time tomorrow. If things don't turn around soon . . . there isn't much time I'm afraid." Carson sighed and looked at the floor. "I'm sorry we can't do more, I truly am."

Elizabeth moved to put a hand on Carson's shoulder, seeing the devastation in his eyes. "Carson, you did what you could. We don't expect you to work miracles."

"Speak for yourself, I do," snapped Rodney. His eyes softened after a moment. "Okay, I don't expect it, but I was hoping. Carson, I . . . you have to . . . I just wish we could . . . " Rodney finally gave up and trailed off.

Beckett just nodded. "I know, Rodney. Believe me, I know."

TBC