The Gift of Life – Chapter 6

"Elizabeth!" Her name was said with such force that she assumed it was not the first time it had been called out. Jerking her head up, she looked at Carson Beckett, frowning as he stood in the doorway to her office.

"Carson, I'm sorry, come in." She stood as she nodded sheepishly to the chair across from her desk. "I guess I was daydreaming."

Beckett came in and eased himself into the chair. "You look tired."

Elizabeth smiled as she sat back down. "I could say the same thing about you. I happen to know from your staff that you've barely slept since John got back."

Beckett raised his brows. "Oh, they told you that, did they? Sounds like I may have to have a discussion with them."

"They just worry about you. You have a good group there."

Beckett nodded proudly. "Aye, I do. Probably the best I've ever worked with. Well, I got a good sleep last night, what with the colonel doing so well. I hope you did too."

"I have to admit, I did sleep a lot better than I have been. So, what's the latest on John?"

"As you know, he drifted in and out yesterday, visiting with his team and such as he was awake. I expect his periods of wakefulness will gradually get longer and more numerous. And that's what I came to talk to you about."

Elizabeth sighed and dropped her gaze. "He hasn't had a chance to deal with this emotionally because he's been so sick."

Beckett nodded. "Aye. I think I may have Kate drop by to see him a few minutes this afternoon. You know him, he won't like it."

"I know. But after something like this, I can't imagine him just pushing it down like he usually does and going on with his life. Surely he'll need some help with this."

"That's what I'm thinking. The emotional trauma from something this can be every bit as crippling as the physical trauma, not that the colonel would ever admit that. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be clearing him until he's talked to Kate."

Elizabeth nodded her obvious approval. "And I won't be approving him for missions until she's cleared him psychologically. He isn't going to like any of this, you know."

"Yes, that's why I thought I'd talk to you before I talked to him. He probably already suspects that's the way it will be, but it's one thing to think it and another to have it confirmed."

"I know. What if I come by after lunch and we can tell him together. United front and all."

Beckett nodded. "That would be good. I'll have Kate come by then and we can approach him together. It'll be harder to argue with three of us than with one."

"Agreed. I'll be there after lunch. How's he doing other than that?"

"Good. His systems are still recovering amazingly well. We should have him back to normal functioning levels by tomorrow I think, possibly the day after. We got him to keep down a few sips of broth last night. He said he felt a bit better this morning, just tired still."

"Any projections as to when he'll be released?"

Beckett shook his head. "No, I'm not thinking that far ahead. He'll need to be monitored for a while after his liver and renal functions return to normal and it will take a bit for his body to recover. This is all new to us and we still don't completely understand what happened." Beckett ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not complaining, mind you, but I have a feeling the colonel will be driving us all up the wall before I feel secure enough to release him."

Elizabeth grinned. "I've never been so glad to hear a report like that in my life."

Beckett returned her grin. "Aye, and I don't think I've ever been so glad to give it. Just remind me I said that in about a week."

oOo

John was drifting somewhere between being asleep and awake when the touch came to his arm. Jerking awake, he quickly sat up and thrust his fist out, connecting with soft flesh at the same time he tried to scramble back and away from whatever had touched him. Eyes wide with fear and anticipation, he could see no one beside his bed, but a frightened nurse was hurrying his way. He heard the low moan about the time it registered with his brain exactly where he was.

The nurse kneeled beside his bed and he leaned forward and over to see what she was doing. Marcy, one of his favorite nurses, was just sitting up, looking dazed and holding the side of her face. Dread and self-anger filled him as he realized what he had done.

"Oh, crap, Marcy, I'm so sorry," John began, trying to get up, the adrenalin fueling his desire to help. He was struggling with the varied wires and tubes attached to him when he felt strong hands push him back down.

"Colonel, I need you to lie back down so I can help Amy tend to Marcy." John stopped resisting long enough to look around and see Beckett was the one holding him down. He hadn't even seen the man approach. Realizing that he couldn't really help, he relaxed back into the pillow.

"I'm so sorry, Doc, I didn't realize . . . it was just reflex . . . "

"I know, son, it's okay, but I need you to stay put before you hurt yourself."

John nodded, thoroughly embarrassed at hurting Marcy, as well as for keeping Beckett from helping her. Beckett moved around the bed and helped Amy get Marcy to her feet.

"Let's get some ice on that," Beckett said as he began directing her across the room. Marcy pulled away a second and looked back at John, frowning.

"Colonel . . . are you okay?"

John moved his mouth a few moments before he found his voice. "I'm fine . . . Marcy . . . I would never hurt you – "

"I know that, Colonel. It was my fault for startling you. I know better, I just wasn't thinking." Marcy was smiling, in spite of the swelling already occurring around her right eye.

Sheppard shook his head, still having trouble believing he'd just hit one of the nurses caring for him. "I'm just so sorry . . . I . . . " Sheppard shook his head again and looked down, feeling like the lowest form of life.

"I'm fine, colonel, really," Marcy insisted as Amy and Carson pulled her away.

"I'll come back and check on the colonel," said Beckett. "But for now, let's get some ice on that and let me have a look."

John watched until they went through the door at the other end of the room and then rolled over on his side, facing the wall. He was thankful that Carson had sent his team off to get some much needed food and rest. It was bad enough everyone had seen him tortured without seeing him fall apart as well. The departure of the adrenalin from a few minutes before along with the horror, at least in his mind, of what he'd done, left him exhausted and shaking. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when Beckett moved into his line of sight and sat down on a stool facing him.

"No one blames you, colonel. You must know that. And Marcy is fine. She'll have a bit of a shiner for a few days, but there's no real damage. Appears to have been a glancing blow."

John didn't say anything, just silently stared ahead. He felt almost numb now, like he wasn't really there. He just wanted to be left alone for a while and was hoping the doctor would take the hint without him having to spell it out.

"Colonel?" Beckett sat watching him, noting his withdrawal. "Can I get you anything?"

Sheppard shook his head and closed his eyes. A few minutes later he heard Beckett get up and leave.

oOo

McKay stacked his empty food tray on top of Teyla's and turned to look at Sheppard. The pilot was propped up, absent all the monitors but still stuck with an IV, spooning his soup. He lifted a spoon of soup, only to tilt it and let the liquid slide out and back into the bowl. He then repeated the process, watching the falling broth and noodles with abnormal fascination.

"You know, I think Carson meant for you to eat that, not play with it." McKay stood beside Sheppard's bed, carefully eyeing the colonel. "It was an accident, no one's blaming you."

Sheppard's eyes flashed in anger as he glanced up at McKay. "I blame me, McKay. I hit Marcy in the face. There is no excuse for that."

Ronon got up and walked over to the bedside table, adding his tray to the other two. "You're wrong, Sheppard. I've known many soldiers to strike out at friends and family when startled from sleep. It's reflex. It's what keeps us alive in the field and they have to understand that. Get over it."

Teyla frowned at Ronon and walked over to stand at Sheppard's elbow. "Ronon is right that is was reflex and could not be helped. He does not have to be so harsh, however."

John dropped the spoon in the soup with a splat and rubbed his eyes and forehead. "I just feel so bad about hitting her, especially when she was trying to help me."

Teyla placed a hand on his forearm. "You apologized, right?"

John sighed. "Yeah, several times."

Teyla smiled, already knowing the answer. "And what did she say?"

John let his head dip forward. "She said it was okay."

"So she is not angry with you?"

"No," admitted John.

"Then get over it," repeated Ronon.

John chuckled. "Ronon, you're beginning to sound like a broken record."

Ronon humphed, having no idea what Sheppard was talking about, but getting the meaning."

"Ah-oh," said Rodney. "Dangerous mob at twelve o'clock."

They all looked around to see Beckett approaching with Kate Heightmeyer and Elizabeth.

"Crap," muttered Sheppard. "Bet I know what this is about."

"You're looking much better," said Elizabeth. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Took out a nurse before breakfast, so I guess I'm getting stronger." John winced as soon as the comment left his lips, wishing he could take it back. Not only did he think it almost disrespectful to Marcy, but it didn't help his position any. So much for convincing them he was handling everything okay.

"You didn't eat very much," commented Carson, after an uncomfortable silence. "Are you still feeling nauseous?"

"Just not very hungry. I don't suppose you three are here just to visit?"

Elizabeth's smile slipped into a more serious expression. "No, I'm afraid not." She let her gaze move over each of Sheppard's teammates. "We need to speak to John about something, if you could just give us some time with him."

Ronon stood from his chair and walked over to stand closer to John's bed. "Don't forget to ask Beckett."

Carson looked at John quizzically. "As me what?"

Glaring at Ronon, John ran a hand through his hair and then slowly moved his line of sight over to Beckett. "I need you to test my DNA."

Carson, Elizabeth, and Kate exchanged worried and confused looks. "Is there a reason for this request?" asked the physician.

"Teyla was in his dream, along with a Wraith," said Ronon matter-of-factly.

"Thanks, Ronon, you can stop helping now," said John sarcastically. Ronon just shrugged.

Rodney had been standing with his mouth slightly open for several moments. "How am I the only one on this team that doesn't seem to know about this?" His tone was definitely showing how insulted he felt. "I am still on this team, right? I mean you didn't kick me off and not tell me or anything, did you?"

"No, Rodney, of course not," said Teyla in her typical, calm voice. "We did not intentionally hide this from you. Ronon merely overheard us discussing it."

Beckett crossed his arms, frowning with his best look of intimidation. "Colonel, I think you need to explain what's going on."

John sighed. "A couple of days ago, when I was unconscious and . . . not doing so well, I had this weird dream. At least, I think it was a dream. It seemed very real, like I was actually there. But, anyway, the Wraith from the planet was there and we talked. At some point in the second dream – "

"There were two of these dreams?" asked Kate.

John nodded. "Yeah, anyway, in the second dream I thought I saw Teyla, but I wasn't sure. When I asked her about it, it turns out she thought I had been in her dreams with the Wraith and she remembered a couple of things that were said . . . things that we talked about in my dream. It's almost like she was in my head."

"Ronon thinks perhaps John has acquired DNA from the Wraith that allows him to communicate with the Wraith and with me," explained Teyla.

Beckett nodded, realizing the potential truth in the thought. "We'll do the test this afternoon."

"But for right now," said Elizabeth, "we still need to talk to Colonel Sheppard."

Rodney shifted his weight anxiously from one foot to the other while rubbing his hands down the side of his pants leg. "Maybe I should stay."

John answered without taking his eyes from the three standing next to his bed. "No, it's okay Rodney. This is just where they tell me I have to share my feelings with Kate before they'll clear me for duty."

Rodney didn't look convinced. "Are you sure? I'll stay if you want."

Elizabeth frowned. "Rodney, this isn't the inquisition."

Rodney snorted loudly, bringing a small smile from John. "Take my word for it, Elizabeth, from our point of view, sometimes it feels like it." Rodney looked over at John, who nodded his appreciation.

Teyla moved forward, taking Rodney by the elbow and steering him away from the bed. "Come on, Rodney. We'll go to the mess hall for dessert and coffee."

Rodney took one last look at John over his shoulder as Ronon moved up to walk on his other side. The colonel gave him a final nod and Rodney nodded back his acceptance of the situation. "I'll save you some pie."

John watched them leave the infirmary, suddenly feeling very alone and exposed. "You know I oppose this. I had to live through being fed on by a Wraith, tortured in front of my friends. The last thing I want to do is relive it by talking about it. I just want to move on."

Kate shook her head. "It's not that easy, and you know it."

"It could be if you'd let it!" John took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm himself. "In case you haven't figured this out by now, I'm not a sharing/feely kind of guy. That just prolongs the misery, drags it out. I just want to forget this whole mess."

"You're already having nightmares, colonel," said Kate.

"Yeah, well, you get tortured like that and tell me you don't have a few."

Kate looked at him, meeting his glare. "I'm not saying that it's abnormal to have a few nightmares. But if you don't deal with the trauma and come to terms with it in some way, they'll get worse instead of better."

"I can deal with it . . . my way."

Elizabeth decided it was time to intervene. "John, you have to talk to Kate to get cleared, you know that. If she is convinced that you are handling it fine on your own and it's safe for you to return to duty, then I'll clear you. But you have to go through the steps to get to that point and that means talking to her, at least a few times."

John sighed, knowing he couldn't win. "Fine, when?"

Kate glanced at her watch. "It just so happens, I have some time now. We could get started today."

"Whatever, let's just it over with." John leaned his head back against the pillow.

Beckett stepped forward, smiling. "Well, I'll just get this tray out of your way." He picked up the tray and set it on top of the empty ones, adjusting his grip so that he could pick them all up at once.

Elizabeth pushed the tray table away from the bed. "I'll talk to you later, John."

John didn't answer, staring at his feet as Kate settled in one of the chairs around the bed. "All right, colonel, why don't we start with the dreams. Tell me about them."

John continued to stare at his feet, wondering why they couldn't understand he just wanted to be left alone, to forget what had happened and move on. He didn't really think it seemed like too much to ask. He rubbed his hand across his forehead, a headache beginning to bloom in his temples.

"It was just a dream." He chuckled when he remembered telling the Wraith about Rodney's insistence he needed a refund on the gift of life. "We talked about the gift of life and how it wasn't working very well at the moment. He said I needed to discover my inner strength. Just . . . encouragement stuff. I think maybe it might have just been my subconscious telling me not to give up."

Kate studied him for several seconds, making Sheppard begin to squirm. "Do you really believe that?"

John shrugged his shoulders. "How should I know? This is all new to me too."

"What about seeing Teyla in your dream?"

John finally looked up to meet her gaze. "Coincidence? I don't know. What makes you think I understand everything that happened?"

Kate smiled, her attempt to comfort Sheppard just making him want to slap the expression off her face.

"All right . . . let's go back to when you first realized what Kolya was doing. How did you feel when you realized he was using you for a bargaining chip?"

"Uh . . . I know this one . . . used?"

Kate sighed. "Funny, colonel. You were tied and gagged and tortured in front of your friends and teammates. That must have made you angry."

John felt his stomach clench and sweat begin to pop out on his face as he remembered how completely helpless he'd felt. He had known they were watching. He'd heard the strain in Elizabeth's voice as she tried to remain strong and do what she knew was right. He' heard the panic in Rodney's voice as he pleaded for Kolya not to continue. He remembered the utter terror that had filled him when the Wraith had first entered the room and he realized what Kolya had planned for him. He shuddered involuntarily as the small amount of soup he'd eaten began trying to make a second appearance.

"Colonel?"

"Yes . . . I was angry." He could feel his heart pumping in his chest and he felt like he couldn't breathe. The room was beginning to spin, so he closed his eyes as his hand clutched at the sheet and his ears buzzed with white noise.

Kate got to her feet as she watched all the color drain from Sheppard's face. "Colonel? What's wrong?"

Sheppard didn't respond, his fingers folded into the sheets as he leaned his head back in a pained frown and a bead of sweat ran down the side of his face. He made a strangled noise as if he was gasping for air and then slapped at his chest, as if pushing something away.

"Oh, crap," he croaked out as he sat straight up and yanked at his gown. His eyes flew open and he tried to see his chest as he probed it through the front of the now ripped cloth. "Where is it? I know he fed, where's the mark?"

"Colonel, it's all right. He's gone and the mark is gone." Now it was Kate's turn to find her heart racing as she vainly tried to calm Sheppard.

"What happened?" Beckett's voice had rarely been so welcome to anyone as it was now.

"I don't know. I asked him about what happened and . . . I think maybe it was too much. He looked sick and then he started going on about the Wraith and the feeding mark."

Carson had latched onto Sheppard's wrist, trying to push him back down to the mattress. "Colonel, it's Carson . . . I need you to calm down son, everything's all right."

Sheppard stopped trying to pull away and blinked slowly up at Beckett. "Carson?"

"Yes, it's Carson. Are you all right?"

Sheppard frowned, his lips pulled thin and his face still devoid of color. "Sick."

The nurse that had appeared to help pushed Kate aside as she grabbed a basin while Carson helped John sit back up. Just as the basin appeared in his lap, he leaned forward and emptied his stomach of its meager contents. It was quick, but still left the colonel gagging for a few seconds, fighting for control. When the dry heaves had stopped, the nurse gave him some water to rinse with and then Carson helped him lay back. Kate handed him a damp rag and he wiped his face, almost moaning at how good the coolness felt on his sweaty face.

"Colonel, are you all right now?"

Sheppard handed the rag to the nurse and nodded to Carson. "Stomach's better. Little bit of a headache."

Carson nodded. "I'll get you something for that so you can rest. I think you've had enough for one day."

John blew out a deep breath, grateful to be off the hook for the rest of the day. He hadn't expected that strong a response and he was guessing Kate hadn't either. He thought he'd tucked the events on the planet back far enough he could deal with it. The worst part was now that Kate had seen him fold almost before they had even gotten started, he was sure to be gracing her couch, figuratively if not literally, for quite a while. Now that he was improving physically, he had a feeling the hard part was yet to come.

John looked up in time to see Beckett injecting something into his IV. "There you are, colonel. That should give you some relief and relax you a bit so you can get some rest."

John nodded. "What about the DNA test?"

Beckett smiled down at him. "Don't you fret, we can do that later. You still have some healing to do, colonel, so it's not like you're going anywhere soon. Take a little nap for me and maybe we can get you a shower and some scrubs later."

John thought maybe that was the best news he'd had in a week . . . other than that he'd live. "Thanks . . . Doc . . . "

Beckett watched as his patient drifted off, thinking that the colonel still had a long way to go to get over what had happened to him. Remembering his own nightmares since Sheppard's kidnapping, he decided that probably they all did.

TBC