Disclaimer: All belongs to JK Rowling.
A/N: Ah … Tonks is a bit … er … -sad-, in this chapter. Just to warn you. It'll all get better eventually, though, don't worry :)
Chapter Seven: Hate Me, Please
I lay in bed 'til like twelve the next day. I didn't want to get up. This could only get worse.
Sirius came in at about ten past. Usually I would yell at him. I didn't. "You missed lunch and breakfast." He looked exhausted.
"I don't care," I replied. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't thirsty, I wasn't thinking.
"He's a werewolf. So what." He sounded angry. I suppose Arthur told him I was prejudiced.
"You don't get it, all right?" I snapped. I couldn't let anyone know what I'd done. I'd be thrown out of the Order, or something equally as humiliating. I deserved it though.
"Yes, I do," answered Sirius. "I've seen this happen to Lupin tons of times before, his colleagues, friends, turning their back on him once they've found out about his condition …"
"You don't get it," I repeated through gritted. For some reason, I really, really wanted to tell Sirius. I needed to share the burden.
"Nymphadora, you have to understand …" Why is he calling me that? He can't call me that. What if Lupin heard? Everything would …
I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I was awful. I was an awful person. I could have killed Sirius, I could have killed Molly, I could have killed Lupin … just for some stupid prank!
Sirius actually looked concerned. He sat down on my bed, stroking my hair as I bawled. "Are you OK?"
"No, I'm not o-damn-k!" I screamed, throwing his hand away. I didn't deserve his frigging sympathy. "I haven't actually cried in ten years! This is big, Sirius, it's not about being prejudiced, or about Lupin being a werewolf … it's something I did, bugger it!"
Sirius looked at me, his eyes round and calculating. I took a large breath, and looked at the far wall. Lupin knew Legillimency, Sirius could too.
"Tonks, tell me," he said softly. I tried to resist his eyes. I couldn't. Damn it, why'd they have to be so big and brown and lovely to look at?
"I messed up the potion," I said, staring at my feet. I shouldn't be telling him this, I should not be telling him this … "I didn't know it was Wolfsbane, I spiked it with paprika."
Sirius looked at me for a second, his face blank, before leaving, slamming the door behind me.
People Who Hate Me So Far
Sirius
And I'd hoped he'd be the most understanding.
I'm going downstairs. Halfway down the staircase, I manage to trip and fall flat on my face. I lie there for a moment, thinking about my life, and how exactly I should end it …
"Tonks!" It's a hushed whisper. I look up. It's Ginny. She's coming towards me fast. I barely bother to push myself into a sitting position. "Did you actually mess up Lupin's potion?" Her eyes are wide.
Wow. News travels fast. "Yes," I said, staring blankly at a wall. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. It's my new mantra.
"People are really pissed off," she told me, like it's the latest gossip. "Especially Sirius."
I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. "I gathered," I swallowed hard. "Anyone else?" I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
"My mom's kind of mad, but mostly because it was her potion." I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. "I think Mad-eye and Emmeline Vance are."
People Who Hate Me So Far
Sirius
Molly
Mad-eye
Emmeline
"They know? Already?" I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
"Don't mind them, Emmeline's stuck-up, and obsessed with rules, and Mad-eye … well, is Mad-eye." I almost smiled at this.
"Is … Lupin?" I bit my lip, hard. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
"Er …" I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. "He's not down yet, I don't think. Ah … the transformations … um … unaided by Wolfsbane, er, kind of make the morning after a hell of a lot worse." Oh, please, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
Just then, a figure stirred behind us. Ginny's eyes widened, and she left hastily. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
"Tonks." I stiffened. Lupin. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. "Hi."
He kind-of hobbled/limped past me, and I welled up. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. A long, shiny tear streaked down my nose, and Lupin around. He smiled wistfully. "I suppose you know now, then?"
I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. "Yes."
He hung his head. No, no, he didn't understand. "I see."
"No, wait," I said, as he started to walk away. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. "I-I don't hate you, or anything. Ignore whatever Molly and Sirius have told you." He looked pensive. "I…" I welled up again, and hastily wiped away my tears. "It was me, ok? I messed up your potion, I did it, I didn't know, I just wanted to screw with you, I'm really, really sorry."
Breathing heavily, I turned and ran, not stopping until I was out the doors of the Order, and halfway down the street. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
I fell down beside the trunk of a large oak tree, my head pounding.
"Are you all right, miss?" asked an old man beside me. He was obviously homeless. I had a sudden bleak idea.
"I'm fine," I said, snatching a newspaper from beside him with a slight nod. He shrugged, and waddled away with a large shopping cart in tow.
Plan 2: Dealing With My Guilt By Becoming A Homeless Person
I think that just about spoke for itself.
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