The Gift of Love – Chapter 8

"What are you up to?"

John threw the remaining cards in his hand down on the tray table as he sighed and shook his head. "Losing game number twenty one of solitaire. Did you come to rescue me from this nightmare?"

Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "I just came to tell you that Teyla and Ronon went to the mainland for the day. Apparently the Athosians have some crisis that requires her attention. She said to express her apologies at not being able to come tell you herself, but her ride was on some kind of a tight schedule."

John listened as he stacked the cards up, arranging them in an even pile before placing them face down on the table. "No problem. I know all of you have to be sick of hanging around the infirmary watching me sleep and stuff."

"No, the sleeping is okay. It's the almost dying that got old. Think you could cut back on that for a while?"

John grinned as he looked from the cards up to Rodney. "I sure plan on trying."

Rodney returned the smile as he nodded. "Thanks. We'd appreciate that."

"Hey, wanna play Go Fish? Or maybe King on the Corner?"

Rodney's eyebrows shot up. "I haven't played King on the Corner since I was a kid. Let's play that."

"You got it."

Rodney gave John's legs a push. "Scoot over so I can sit down. If I have to entertain you when I should be working, then I'm going to sit while I do it."

John moved his whole body over to his left, making room for Rodney to sit on the edge of the bed. "How's that?"

"Good. I'm not sure I remember all of this, so you may have to remind me about how this game works."

"No problem," replied John as he set the game up. "I'm just thankful to do something besides lose at solitaire."

Rodney smirked. "You know the only way to win at that game is to cheat, don't you?"

"That's the sad part . . . I was cheating. And I still couldn't win."

Rodney eyed him carefully for several seconds. "Hey, you want to place a bet on this game?"

John lifted his gaze from the cards and narrowed his eyes at Rodney. "I thought you said you weren't sure you remembered how to play this game."

"I don't, but playing against a man who loses even when he cheats, how can I go wrong?"

John wrinkled his face in frown that looked almost like he had gotten a whiff of something foul smelling. "Very funny. You're on. How about a candy bar for every game?"

"Make it two."

John didn't hesitate. "Okay, two it is. Prepare to lose all your chocolate, sucker."

Rodney just laughed an exaggerated laugh. "You are the sucker in this deal."

"We'll see," replied the colonel.

Thirty minutes later, Marcy came up to them and stood watching until they completed the game they were playing. "Okay, guys, before you start another one, I need the colonel's blood pressure and such for his chart, so break time."

Rodney stood and stretched. "Just as well, I could use some coffee anyway."

John looked up at Rodney as the scientist moved around. "Look, Rodney, thanks for keeping me entertained, but I know you have stuff to do. You don't have to hang around. I'm okay."

Rodney shook his head. "No, it's okay. I just need to get me a cup of coffee. How about if I make a run to the mess and then I'll be right back so we can continue our little competition. I'm behind two candy bars at the moment."

"Bring me a cup," said John.

"Colonel, you know better than that!" Marcy said sharply.

John bobbed his head to one side. "I figured it couldn't hurt to try."

Marcy sighed and rolled her eyes. "You're hopeless, you know that?"

John just smiled innocently. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yeah, I bet. Dr. McKay, Dr. Heightmeyer will be here shortly to talk to the colonel, so now might be a good time for you to take a break for a while. Why don't you come back after lunch?"

McKay's eyes widened. "She's coming back . . . after what happened? Is she crazy? Does Carson know about this?"

John sighed. "It's okay, Rodney. I'll be fine."

Rodney grumbled for a few seconds before going silent and then looking back up at John. "That's what you said yesterday. I don't think this is a good idea. It's too soon."

"No, it's not. I told you I'm fine. The sooner I get her little talks over with and behind me, the sooner I can get back to active duty. I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but I'm feeling better enough that I'm bored almost to death. I need to be out of here." He paused a second before looking down. "I need this to be over with so I can move on."

McKay wanted to continue to object, but he couldn't seem to get the words to move beyond his mouth.

"I'll keep an eye on him," said Marcy.

Rodney and John both looked at Marcy, the bruises on her face standing out in the bright infirmary lights. Rodney nodded. "Okay. Make sure she doesn't push him too much." He turned to John. "I'll bring us both some lunch, so don't let her upset you too much."

John grinned, feeling a little silly, but genuinely touched at the way people were watching out for him. "If she does, I'll just sock her in the eye."

Marcy rolled her eyes as she got out the thermometer. "Oh for heaven's sake, the things I put up with."

oOo

"Good morning, colonel," said Kate Heightmeyer as she settled in the chair beside Sheppard's bed. "I just want to say that I'm sorry about what happened yesterday and we'll try to steer clear of anything like that again."

John pushed himself back into the pillows mounded up behind him. He was tired of being in bed and craving another walk around the infirmary, partially to expend some of the tension that had been building since Marcy reminded him Heightmeyer was coming. "I don't think it'll be a problem today," he said simply.

"That's good. You let me know if we start delving into an area you don't feel ready to discuss just yet."

John bit his lower lip in an effort not to tell the woman that he would never be ready to talk about any of this with her because he knew he'd just be wasting his breath. "Fine," was all he could get out. He glanced over to see Marcy restocking a shelf not far from them, sliding her eyes over to watch and monitor the situation. He coughed to keep from laughing out loud and probably getting her caught.

"Colonel, are you all right?"

John drank from the water glass on his side table. "Yeah, just a little tickle. Let's do this."

Kate nodded. "I've been thinking about all the things that happened with the Wraith on the planet. He fed off you and almost killed you in the process, and then he gave you those years back, saving your life. I was wondering how you feel about him after that, if maybe that's produced some conflicting feelings about him."

John sighed and twisted the hem of the sheet in his hand. "Yeah, you could say that. It's real hard to completely hate someone who saved your life."

"But he was also the instrument of your torture and caused you great physical pain."

John nodded.

"So, how do you feel about that? Are you angry?"

"Of course I'm angry! Who wouldn't be? The question is who to be angry at. Do you blame the Wraith or the master?" John's eyes seemed to be focusing on something far away.

"What?" Kate leaned forward, sensing that Sheppard had just relived something.

John's voice was soft and low. "The Wraith asked me if I blamed him or the master. He said the Wraith had to feed to live . . . and he's right." He shook his head sadly. "He said he was being tortured by being held there and starved."

"Do you believe that?"

"I . . . I didn't at first, but now . . . I'm not so sure." John rubbed his forehead, trying to rub out some of the tension.

"Do you blame him for feeding on you, for taking years from your life?"

John sat staring at his feet for several seconds. "Part of me realized that I'm just food to the Wraith, we all are. They look at us like we look at hamburger and chicken at the grocery store. But the reality is that we're more than that and I think they either don't want to know or don't care. In his case . . . I think he didn't want to know, but now he does. So yes, part of me blames him."

"What about the fact that he gave back the years that he took and saved your life?"

John sighed. "There is that." He sat for a few seconds before looking up at Kate. He didn't understand why this was necessary. He could never make her understand, and if she could never understand, how was she supposed to help him? "Look, I'll be honest. There is no way that you'll ever understand how I feel because I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me hates him for being the instrument of the worst torture I've ever suffered through and part of me is very grateful to him for not leaving me a pitiful old man. We shared something no one should ever have to experience. I got to know him a little and I saw a side to him I would never have associated with any Wraith." John looked a bit lost as he frowned at her and said softly, "He laughed at my jokes."

John quickly looked down, as if he'd revealed some important secret that he shouldn't have. Kate was taken aback. She wasn't sure what she had thought he was going to admit to, but that had never entered her mind. The Wraith had laughed at his jokes.

"Colonel, that is a very normal thing to share with friends and coworkers, laughing at a joke. That gave your time together an abnormal sense of normalcy that you're having a hard time processing. To joke with your mortal enemy can be a disorienting event."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"What happens now? What if you meet him again?"

"I told him if we meet again, all bets are off."

Kate watched him for several seconds, trying to look beyond the lack of expression on his face. "Can you do that? Could you kill him?"

Sheppard looked down at his hands. "I don't know," he said quietly. "I guess that's what scares me. What if I hesitate and get one of my team killed?"

Kate breathed deeply, realizing this was important to everyone in Atlantis. "Is that what you think will happen, that you'll hesitate?"

John shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think so, but I can't be sure."

"I wouldn't worry too much about it, colonel. I think you'll feel more confident after you put a little time between yourself and the events. What about Kolya? I know you're angry with him over what happened. What happens the next time you see him?"

"He dies." He looked up at Kate, the cold, bitter hatred in his eyes surprising her. "I don't let him walk the next time I see him."

"What if he's not a threat?"

John snorted. "Kolya will always be a threat to Atlantis and her people. He won't stop coming after us . . . ever. The next time I see him, I kill him. I promised him that and that's one promise I intend to keep."

Kate frowned, concerned and a little afraid. "Colonel . . . it almost sounds like you're talking about murder."

John narrowed his eyes at her. "You call it whatever you want. He barged into the city during the storm and killed two men when he didn't have to. He almost killed Elizabeth and Rodney, he would have if that had gone on much longer. He had every intention of killing us on Dagan, and when we turned the tables on him, I let him go. Now this. He has to be stopped before he kills someone else and possibly damages Atlantis."

"And you're sure it's not just revenge?" Kate watched his face for any sign of what was going on in his head.

"It's a lot of things, doctor. But I will not stand by and watch him kill anyone else. This ends the minute I find him. I will kill him and you can think what you want, but keep in mind it might be your life I'm saving in the long run. Kolya doesn't much care who he kills to achieve his goals." John took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Could we quit for today? I'm tired."

Kate nodded, feeling a bit drained herself. "Yes, I think that's a good idea. Get some rest, colonel, and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Looking forward to it." The sarcasm was not disguised, but Kate ignored it and nodded before turning and leaving.

John hadn't lied about being tired, so he lay there contemplating the value of a short nap.

"Colonel . . . are you okay?"

John opened his eyes to find Marcy looking at him, concern in her eyes. "I'm fine, thanks. No melt down today, I'm just tired."

Marcy smiled and nodded. "How about if I lower your bed a bit and you can rest before Dr. McKay returns with your lunch."

John nodded. "Yeah, I think that'd be good."

Marcy complied and then fussed with his blankets until he was sufficiently tucked in. "Call me if you need anything."

John responded with a yawn and a nod, leaving Marcy to smile before she left. John rolled onto his side and curled up under the warm blanket, allowing his body to relax. Within seconds his thoughts went back to the Wraith from the planet and his earlier discussion. In spite of what he'd said on the planet, he had serious doubts about whether he could kill the creature unless it was attacking him or one of his team.

. . . and our brothers.

The Wraith's words echoed in his head, along with Beckett's discovery of his little DNA addition. What did it mean? He was positive he couldn't connect to Wraith the way Teyla did, but what if he could connect to just the one. He found himself concentrating on doing just that. John reached out with his mind, searching for the Wraith, until he felt like he was moving through space.

John found himself standing somewhere else, outside Atlantis. Looking around, it took only a few seconds to recognize the surroundings: a hive ship.

"You are learning, Sheppard."

John's head jerked forward at the sound of the familiar voice to see the Wraith standing a few feet away. He was dressed differently than before, but in traditional Wraith clothing. He both looked and sounded stronger, but there was no malice in his face.

"I guess this means you found a ride," said John. "A meal too, from the look and sound of you." He wasn't sure, but thought the Wraith looked almost sad.

"I have to eat Sheppard, just as you do. You are better and you have found part of your gift."

John nodded, still letting his eyes dart around and take in the surroundings, looking for any signs of company. "Yeah, our doctor found it. Looks like you made a deposit in my DNA . . . my code. I was kind of wondering about the point of that. Is that part of the brotherhood thing?"

The Wraith chuckled and John found himself relaxing a little, in spite of his internal warnings not to.

"You have already found one use of it. You have been given a small part of my . . . code . . . so that we may find one another if needed. It is a way of sharing or calling for help among brothers or trusted worshippers."

"Uh, look, no offense, but what if I don't want to share. This is kind of a security risk for my people. We aren't looking to be any one's lunch any time soon, if you get my drift."

The Wraith chuckled again. "It is under your control as well as mine. If I call to you, you may close your mind off and not receive me. Or, you may choose the meeting place, as with the place by the lake from before."

John scratched his head. "About that, I didn't call for you, so how did you end up in my head?"

"You were ill and your mind cried out for help. I heard it and came to see what was distressing you. I had feared that feeding on you over many times would cause you greater harm than I could repair, and it turned out to be so. Even then, your mind was subconsciously keeping me at bay by selecting a neutral meeting place. You are well trained and well disciplined, Sheppard."

John gave a half-hearted smile. "I've had lots of practice. So, I'm here because I tried to contact you and you let me in?"

"That is correct. The code will also mark you as mine with any other Wraith that tries to feed. They will know almost instantly that you are my brother. Wraith that are in my cluster will honor that and let you live if they feel no threat from you. Wraith outside my cluster will probably relish feeding on you all the more."

John winced. "Oh, great, that's good to know. So you guys really aren't all together on this feeding and sharing the wealth thing?"

The Wraith shook his head. "We are no longer united as we once were. It is sad to see so many depart from the old ways. I am old, older than most, as you have noticed. But I am still strong and I will fight to establish once again what once was." He laughed and shook his head. "But this is not of your concern. You are still learning, Sheppard, but you learn quickly. I have enjoyed meeting you, human. I have learned much also."

"Is there anything else I should know about this little DNA present?"

"You know what is of importance. Now, Sheppard, what if we are to meet again? Are all bets still off?"

John didn't answer immediately, because he didn't know what to say. He was suddenly thrown up against the side of the ship. Looking around frantically, he saw the Wraith standing still and watching him. He felt like he was in an earthquake and yet none of this seemed to affect the Wraith. "What's going on?"

The Wraith smiled at him in his typical, knowing fashion. "Your friends are calling you back. Think hard about your answer, Sheppard."

John felt like he was tossed around again, followed by the distinct feeling of falling. His hands flew out instinctively and a set of hands gripped each arm.

"Colonel?"

The hands grounded him and the falling sensation stopped as quickly as it had begun. John's eyes snapped open to see Marcy and Carson's worried faces staring down at him. He pulled his arms back from their now loosened grip.

"What happened?" Rubbing his eyes, he became aware of the steady thrumming of a headache behind his eyes and radiating out into his temples.

Marcy and Beckett straightened up and backed away a bit, revealing a frightened Rodney standing a few feet away holding two trays. Carson sighed, still looking concerned. "I came to tell you Rodney was here with your lunch and I couldn't wake you. It was like you were in a trance or something."

John cleared his throat, trying to process what had just happened while dealing with the three worried people before him. He watched as Rodney set the trays down and stepped up to stand beside Carson. "Where were you colonel?" The scientist's eyes almost seemed to bore into John.

John swallowed hard and tried to think of how he should answer. He knew he was in trouble for his unauthorized experiment, and yet he figured he was in trouble if he tried to hide it from them as well. Carson and Rodney both crossed their arms at almost the same time, making for a rather intimidating force.

"You might as well just tell them, Colonel," said Marcy. "We know something was going on and if you don't tell Dr. Beckett what, he's going to want to run all kinds of tests to try and figure it out for himself."

The last thing John wanted was yet another round of tests. He felt at a distinct disadvantage lying down while they hovered over him. Beckett's lack of an offer to help him sit up was probably not an oversight.

"I, uh, kind of . . . that is I sort of . . . visited the Wraith on a hive ship."

"What?" they all three said in unison.

"Are you daft?" asked Carson.

"I knew it, I knew you were crazy!" Rodney said.

"Colonel, what were you thinking?" asked Marcy.

John sighed and rubbed at the increasing ache in his temples. He heard Carson calling Elizabeth on his radio while Rodney and Marcy discussed the possibility of brain damage, and wondered if his Wraith brother had a spare room on the hive ship.

TBC