Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. It all belongs to J. K. Rowling.
A/N: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, or so the great philosopher Mark Twain once said. I'm afraid that I am in complete denial about Albus Dumbledore's death. There's got to be a catch. Dumbledore can't be dead! Right? Oh, I've got theories. The best one involves a Horcrux, Fawkes, and Grindelwald but that's a different story. Anyway, this is one HIGHLY improbable scenario about what really happened.
"What do you want to do?" asked Ron. He was sitting with Hermione and Harry in the living room of the small house they were renting in Godric's Hollow. True to his word, Harry had returned to Privet Drive briefly at the beginning of the summer. Afterwards, the three friends moved to the virtually deserted Godric's Hollow.
Hermione glanced at him from over top of her copy of Hogwarts, A History. "Do us a favor and entertain yourself for a while," she said. She had been a little moody ever since that morning when the Post Owl brought letters from Hogwarts for all of them, proving that Professor McGonagall, much like her predecessor, was on top of things; they had never told Professor McGonagall that they were planning on going to Godric's Hollow yet the letters made it to them. The letters informed them all that Hogwarts would indeed remain open and included their book list for the following year.
Loyal to Harry, both Ron and Hermione both agreed to forgo Hogwarts to help him find the other Horcruxes. That, however, did not stop Hermione from getting slightly crabby after receiving her book list, as it sunk in that she wouldn't be returning. She and Ron continued arguing about whether or not Ron was capable of entertaining himself.
"I can entertain myself, Hermione, but what's the point when I've got my two best friends here to do the entertaining?" said Ron.
Harry looked up at them from overtop of the article he was reading in this month's edition of The Quibbler ("Muffins are Invading!"). He was about to try to put a stop to their playful bickering, when they suddenly heard a noise outside. It sounded as if something, or someone, had knocked over something on the back porch.
All three teenagers jumped up. Harry had his wand drawn in an instant. He looked at his two friends and raised one finger to his lips as a signal to keep quiet and then motioned towards the kitchen. He tiptoed through the kitchen to the backdoor with Ron and Hermione right behind him. Ron, too, had his wand drawn. Hermione was holding Hogwarts, A History in front of her as if it were a weapon. They could hear strange sounds coming from outside.
"Ready?" whispered Harry.
"One second," Ron whispered back. He took Hermione's book from her and quietly placed it on the counter. Then he held up his wand for her to see.
"Oh, right." Hermione took her wand out of her pocket. "Ready."
Harry flung the door open and stepped out, his wand out in front of him. The sight that greeted Harry, Ron, and Hermione was not at all what they expected. Professor McGonagall and the black-hearted scoundrel Severus Snape were on the ground in the middle of a scuffle. McGonagall had her hands around Snape's neck and it looked as if she was winning.
"Professor McGonagall!" exclaimed Hermione in surprise. The two squabbling adults froze and looked up at Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
"Move, Professor," said Harry, narrowing his eyes at Snape.
"Harry…" said Hermione, putting a hand on his outstretched arm.
"No, Hermione," said Harry, taking his eyes off of Snape and looking at her. "You weren't there! You didn't see him…" He looked back at Snape. "You didn't see him kill Dumbledore."
"You didn't see… either," said Snape, though with some difficulty because with McGonagall's hands around his neck his face was changing colors and he was panting.
"What?" asked Harry sharply.
"Air flow… cut off… losing consciousness," said Snape.
"Oh," said McGonagall loosening her grasp on his neck. He took a few gasping breaths.
"I say Professor McGonagall here has the right idea," said Ron. "Come on. Let's go inside and leave her to strangle him. I think there's still some pie left…"
"Ron!" admonished Hermione.
"What?" asked Ron. "Harry's right! He killed Dumbledore."
"If you'll let me speak…" began Snape.
"Shutup!" barked Harry.
"Alright, let's everyone just calm down," said McGonagall.
"That's easy for you to say," mumbled Snape. "You don't have an old woman beating down on you."
"Watch it, Snape," hissed McGonagall.
"Hey, what are you doing here anyway?" asked Ron to McGonagall.
"Honestly, Weasley, what does it look like I'm doing?" snapped McGonagall.
"Wait, I want to hear this," said Harry. "Why were you so conveniently at our back door when Dumbledore's killer came to call?"
"Honestly, Potter, did you think that the Order would just let you fall off of their radar? Did you think that we wouldn't be watching?" asked McGonagall. Harry had expected this. He hadn't, in fact, thought that the Order would just let him alone. McGonagall continued. "Fletcher was supposed to be on duty, but Arabella told me that she expected he would shirk on his duties so I came to check up on him. I didn't find him, but I did happen to find…" She nodded downward towards Snape. "No doubt the new head of the Order will want to have a talk with Fletcher."
"Who's in charge now?" asked Hermione.
"A relative of Dumbledore's," said McGonagall. "She's young though. Moody has been advising her. In fact, it was on his advice that you three be guarded twenty-four hours a day. Her idea was… well, let's just say it involved a giant cage and a trail of cookies."
"Pardon me," said Snape impatiently. "But I think you could save the chit-chat for some other time."
"Oh. Right," said McGonagall, getting up off the floor and dragging Snape to his feet. She started pushing him towards the kitchen door. Harry, Ron, and Hermione kept their wands trained on Snape as McGonagall pushed him into a kitchen chair and used her wand to materialize ropes to tie him up.
"Let's wash his greasy hair," suggested Ron.
"Ron!" admonished Hermione again.
"Yeah, Ron," said Harry. "That's not quite evil enough."
"Harry…" said Hermione exasperatedly.
"I already told you... You didn't see him kill Dumbledore! You don't understand!" exclaimed Harry.
"And I already told you," said Snape. "You didn't see it either."
"No, I did see it. I was there," said Harry. "I was under the invisibility cloak; immobilized by Professor Dumbledore. You just didn't know it."
"No, you don't understand what I'm saying," said Snape. "I knew you were there. You didn't see what you thought you saw."
"I'm with Weasley on this one," said McGonagall. "Get the shampoo. Make it fruit-scented."
"No, wait," said Harry. "I want to hear this. What did I really see, Snape?"
"Dumbledore's alive," said Snape.
"No, he's not," said McGonagall.
"Yes, he is," said Snape.
"Isn't."
"Is."
"Isn't."
"Is."
"Isn't."
"IS!" exclaimed Hermione. They all turned and looked at her. Her mouth was hanging open and she was pointing to the doorway. They all turned and looked at where Hermione was pointing. Harry, Ron, and McGonagall's jaws all dropped as they stared at the sight before them.
Albus Dumbledore was standing in the doorway, his eyes twinkling, very much alive. "Hermione, dear, why don't you loosen the ropes on Professor Snape? And why don't we all have a seat here in this quaint kitchen and have a nice little chat?" He conjured up a fifth and sixth chair with the wave of his wand and they slid into place at the round table with the other four. He took a seat. McGonagall, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all still staring at him with disbelief. "Manners would dictate that you all take a seat now," said Professor Dumbledore, halfway-amused. "Unless in the few weeks since I've been gone, your knees have lost the abilities to bend. Hermione, the ropes…"
Hermione, still staring at Dumbledore, reached over and tugged at the rope holding Snape to the chair until they were loose enough for Snape to shake them off. He tossed them off to the side and sat back down in his chair with his arms folded across his chest and a sneer on his face.
Dumbledore snapped his fingers and a teapot and six cups appeared on the table. The teapot rose into the air and began to pour tea into the cups. Still, McGonagall, Harry, Ron, and Hermione did not move. "Alright, this is getting ridiculous," said Snape. "Headmaster, do I really have to be here for this?"
"Yes, Severus, you do," said Dumbledore. "Minerva, do close your mouth and take a seat and maybe these other three will follow your lead."
"Albus!" she exclaimed sinking into the nearest chair. "You're alive!" She looked over at the other three. "Sit down!" she barked at them. They all became suddenly alert and hurried to sit down. There was slight confusion as Harry and Ron tried to sit in the same chair and Ron ended up on the floor. Once everyone was in their own chairs, Dumbledore flicked his wand again and the teacups slid across the table, one cup going to each person.
"I suppose some explanations are in order," said Dumbledore sipping his tea.
"You've got that right," said McGonagall, taking a flask out of her robes and adding some whiskey to her tea.
"Minerva," admonished Dumbledore.
"Hey, isn't that Moody's hip flask?" asked Snape.
"Sure is," said McGonagall.
"I didn't know it was filled with whiskey," said Snape.
"Well, what the hell did you think it was filled with?" asked McGonagall. "Turns out this is why he walks funny."
"And why do you have it?" asked Dumbledore.
"Yeah, because you're the one who earned the right to ask questions today," said McGonagall sarcastically as she passed the flask off to Ron. Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "Why would you not tell anyone that you're alive?"
"I do have an explanation for you," said Dumbledore taking a sip of his tea.
"Oh, let me guess!" said Hermione excitedly. "You wanted to fool the Dark Lord?"
"Yeah!" exclaimed Harry. "Lull him into a false sense of security! If he thought you were gone, he might let his guard down a bit! That's brilliant!"
"That's not what I did," said Dumbledore. "But that doesn't sound like such a bad…" McGonagall cleared her throat. He cast a look at her. "But maybe not now."
"So why did you do it then?" asked Harry.
"Well, Harry, to be perfectly honest with you," said Dumbledore peering at him over his half-moon spectacles. "I did it to teach you a lesson."
"Excuse me?" asked Harry.
"Harry, I've known you for quite a while now," said Dumbledore. "About six years ago, you started at Hogwarts, and since then I've watched you grow into what you've become today."
"And what have I become today?" asked Harry almost icily.
"Well, a brilliant young wizard, a very nice young man, and…" he paused for dramatic effect. "An absolutely rotten theorist."
"A what?" asked McGonagall.
"At least once a year since you've started at Hogwarts, you've come up with at least one theory to explain the latest adventure that's going around the castle. And every time you've been wrong," said Dumbledore. "And I'm tired of having to correct you, or having to wait for you to correct yourself. Because, believe me, even when you think that I don't know what you're thinking, I do."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Harry.
"Oh, Harry, he's hit the nail on the head!" said Hermione. "That is exactly what you do!"
"What do I do!" exclaimed Harry in confusion.
"You become dead set in a theory that you've come up with and then you're proven wrong!" exclaimed Hermione.
"I do not!" exclaimed Harry.
"Do you recall the events of your first year?" asked Dumbledore.
"Quirrell tried to steal the Sorcerer's Stone," said Harry.
"And who did you think was trying to steal it?" asked Dumbledore.
"Snape," said Harry. "But it was only because he was acting so… and he's such a… and I thought he tried to kill… it's Snape!"
"But it wasn't Snape," said McGonagall. "It was Quirrell"
"You were wrong, Harry," said Dumbledore. "In your second year, you thought that young Mr. Malfoy was the heir of Slytherin and had opened the Chamber of Secrets. You even brewed up a Polyjuice Potion to try to find out, breaking no less than 14 school rules in the process."
"Turns out it was Lord Voldemort who opened the Chamber," threw in Ron.
"Exactly," said Dumbledore. "But you were very sure it was Draco Malfoy. And in your third year you were sure that Sirius was trying to kill you. You were very wrong there. Pettigrew was the one who betrayed your parents."
"Yeah, but you have to let him go with that one, because we were all fooled," said McGonagall.
"Moving on," said Dumbledore. "In your fourth year, you thought that Karkaroff had put your name in the Goblet of Fire, when really it was Crouch impersonating Moody."
"Again, you were fooled, too," said McGonagall.
"Not the point, Minerva," said Dumbledore. "I still knew it wasn't Karkaroff. And, Harry, in your 5th Year you made the biggest mistake of all."
"I thought Sirius was in trouble, and I went to the Ministry," said Harry. "And then Sirius died."
"Exactly!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "I would have thought that you would have stopped acting so rashly and jumping to conclusions after that! But you didn't. You were convinced that Snape was working with Malfoy. Malfoy really was working for the Dark Lord. But Severus was really on our side. So when Malfoy was ordered to kill me… and I assure you, he never would have been able to… Severus and I came up with this plan. We were going to teach you a lesson about jumping to conclusions and getting yourself set on theories that are never right by making you think that for once you were right!"
"We did try to tell you that Snape wasn't really evil," said Ron as Hermione nodded in agreement.
"You see?" asked Dumbledore. "So Severus pretended to kill me, so you would think that for once you were right. But once again, Harry, you were wrong."
"That's low," said Harry.
"But it worked, didn't it? That was the last time you'll come up with some crazy theory without running it by me first," said Dumbledore. "And then you'll probably listen when I tell you're wrong."
"So let me get this straight," said McGonagall. "You put us through all the agony and pain caused by us thinking that you're dead just because you're sick of Harry's stupid theories! This whole elaborate hoax was a big joke on Harry?"
"Yes," said Dumbledore. "That's about right."
"And you knew?" McGonagall asked turning to Snape.
"Well, yes," said Snape.
"Snape," said McGonagall, taking a sip of her tea and standing up. "I'm giving you a ten second head start."
"What?" asked Snape, also standing and backing up a little. "It was his idea!" He pointed at Dumbledore.
"But I can't kick his ass," said McGonagall. "And you're down to 5 seconds."
Snape paused for only another second before he bolted out the back door. McGonagall waited until his 10 seconds were up before bolting after him. Ron nudged Harry's side and Harry looked at him. Ron held up the flask to him in a silent offering. Harry shook his head.
"Well, this has been fun, but now I should probably go to the Ministry and to Hogwarts to surprise quite a few people," said Dumbledore. "Ron, if you'll give me the flask, I'll make sure it gets returned to its rightful owner. I'm sure Alastor is looking for it."
Before anyone else could say or do anything, they heard the front door bang open and two sets of footsteps came thundering through the living room. "SEVERUS SNAPE, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"You're insane, McGonagall!" exclaimed Snape as he came through the kitchen and out the back door again with McGonagall a few steps behind him.
"She's fast for an old lady," said Ron.
"Do you think we should help Professor Snape, Professor Dumbledore?" asked Hermione.
Dumbledore was about to answer when they heard footsteps in the hallway and a voice call out, "Harry! You don't know me, but I'm looking for Professor McGonagall and I promise I'm NOT here to kill you!"
"Oh, sweet Merlin," said Dumbledore. "I know that voice."
"She ran out the back door!" exclaimed Ron.
The footsteps quickened and a girl in her mid-twenties came into the kitchen. "Mundungus told me he caught a glimpse of her chasing…." Her voice trailed off as she noticed who else was in the room. She froze and stared with wide eyes.
"Hello, Cadance," said Dumbledore. She didn't move.
"How do you know her?" asked Harry.
"She's my nephew's daughter," said Dumbledore. "She's my only living relative."
"You're alive!" exclaimed Cadance finally snapping out of it.
"Oh, yes," said Dumbledore. "Very good. You've regained the power of speech. Next, motor skills." She took a few steps and sat down in one of the chairs, her eyes fixed on him. "There you go!"
Ron nudged Cadance's shoulder and handed her the flask. "You might need this."