Poison Ivy was not happy to see four masked weirdos at her front door, one of them a known accomplice of the Bats. Curse my torrid past. It was only one time! I was young and stupid and I needed the money!
Yeah. We actually had to knock her out to get in the house. Scarecrow got squeezed by one of her vines, and the thorns tore a chunk out of his arm, but other than that, he's fine. The rest of us are unscathed.
It was great to see Harley again. Finally, someone who doesn't flinch every time I inhale. I'm not a fucking threat, pallies!
Oh, well.
"Hey, Chucks," Harley said, completely unfazed, when she saw me. "What'dja to to Red?"
"Oh, not much, Har." (I know everyone calls her Harl, but…that hurts me to say. Besides, if she can condense my nickname, then I can shorten hers.) "She'll be fine in a little while. We just came to warn you that someone's coming after you."
"Really? Is it Mr. J?" Poor dear, she sounded so hopeful. God, I got over my little infatuation the first time I saw him sacrifice his Pooh in the interest of a hasty retreat. But I think this poor sap will be in love with him until the day she dies.
"I'm afraid, dear child, that it's something far worse than that," said the Scarecrow. He sounded so adorably happy to see her, like a kindly father figure type. So cute!
"Hey! Professor Crane! I didn't recognize you. Is that a new mask?" She gave him a hug. "And who've you got there with you? No, don't tell me. It's more fun to guess. But keep your masks on. The air around here will kill you."
Eddie said something completely unintelligible.
"He said, 'How does a boat show affection?'" I said. It could have been an accurate translation for all I know.
"It hugs the shore, you crazy Riddler."
"Nnnnnn!" he said as she squeezed him in a bear hug.
Yikes. I should have warned her about the injuries. He may be starting to heal, but you can just tell he's going to hang onto those scars. That hug couldn't have made him feel better.
Well, nothing interesting happened after that. We're just waiting.
--
Oh, shit.
I just had to go and ask for something interesting, didn't I?
There's something wrong with Crane.
I'm afraid.
--
So about five minutes ago, the Scarecrow just collapsed. For a minute there, I thought he was dead, that maybe his gas mask had a leak. Then I heard this faint giggling coming from under the mask.
"You're sooooo pretty," he said, very slowly. "I like you."
"You don't like me, Dr. Crane," I reminded him.
"Heee…" Oh, God. "I like your costume. It's so shiny. And black. And…" He kind of reached for me and missed. He followed the path of his hand through the air and transferred his attention to the others. "Harley! Lexy! We," he said very dramatically, "should have cookies."
"Um…yeah…cookies," Harley said nervously.
"I liiiiike cookies."
"What's wrong with him?" I whispered. Lexy tried to help him sit up. He fell, all boneless, across her lap.
"Lexy, you're my favorite," he mumbled. "You are. Arrrrrr. Yarrrrrrr."
"Did Red get him with one of those thorny vines?" Harley asked.
"Yarrrrrrg."
"Um, yes," I said. Damn, I should have figured those thorns had some kind of poison in them.
"That's not so bad, then. She uses the happy thorns when she doesn't want to kill 'em right off. It'll wear off in a couple of hours."
"Hours?"
"Or maybe days. I don't know how much of the stuff got in him."
"Harley, we don't have days! Lock-Up could be here any minute! Isn't there an antidote?"
"Well, maybe Red could come up with something if you hadn't knocked her out."
About this time, I thought I heard Lexy crying. I couldn't see her face behind the mask, of course. All I saw was the Scarecrow hugging her. Cuddle, cuddle, snuggle, snuggle.
"Never mind. We don't need him," I said. "Lexy, do you know how to use his fear toxin?"
"Sure, no problem." Yeah, she was definitely crying. She started taking off his clothes.
"Not on the first date," he said.
"Shh. It's time for bed, Jonathan. Wouldn't you like a nice nap?"
"But I want to stay in the garden."
"I'll show you a much nicer garden, okay?" She removed all the canisters and tubing and buttoned up his shirt.
"You can put him in my room. He oughta be safe in there," Harley said.
"Upsy daisy," he said when the two of them dragged him to his feet.
This is not good. Granted, I like the guy better when he's not acting like a smarmy bastard. But it would have been nice to have his help. I'm not sure I like letting Lexy fill his shoes. As for Eddie, he's likely to be completely useless. I would have suggested leaving him behind, but I don't like the idea of leaving the poor guy alone and defenseless.
So that leaves me (still shaky from the multiple doses of fear toxin, but better than I've felt before a few big fights) Harley (probably an asset, maybe a liability) and Ivy, who's waking up.
--
Somebody got up on the wrong side of the flowerbed.
What kind of freak uses sentient pot as a security system, anyway?
I've got another one here who doesn't want to be my pal. Oh, the pain. Oh, the loneliness. Oh, the apathy.
Oh, fucking well.
Harley's back, in costume, with her boxing glove gun. Lexy has the Scarecrow's fear toxin, and she traded masks with him for added effect. Ivy has her plants. I have an axe.
Eddie is babysitting our totally wasted friend, Dr. Crane.
I wonder how this Lock-Up character is going to feel when he gets beaten up by a bunch of girls.
--
Waiting.
--
Still waiting.
--
I'm getting bor
--
Aw, hell. I'll never get all this blood out of my costume. I feel sick.