A Winter Apart Chapter 1: A Long Intended Journey, an alexander fanfic

Title: "A Winter Apart"

Author: Baliansword

Rating: T for Teen

Chapter: 1 of 7 ; "A Long Intended Journey"

Pairings: Alexander/Bagoas, Alexander/Hephaestion

Summary: What Hephaestion and Alexander did apart over a winter. Includes letters the two wrote one another. First chapter is a PoV.

Warnings: Some sexual content, some gore, but overall rather mellow

A/N: I felt that their separations should be written. They are together in most stories. I thought we should split them up for awhile. But don't worry, they come back to one another at the end.

Dedication: I dedicate this to everyone who has ever been apart from love. (and to my Calculus class, because that is where I've been brainstorming this.)

H/N: During Alexander's campaigns he often sent Hephaestion to secure areas. However, they were generally not apart long. Not until the Hindu Kush campaign, where they spent a winter apart. Historically, the separation in this fiction happened. However, some of my events might not have.

Hephaestion's PoV

Never before had I seen him so full of grief, and I had known him since we were boys; and nothing was terribly wrong now as so many things had been. He had pushed himself out of bed and paced for a moment. He wasn't angry. He was merely thinking, trying to erase what he already knew. I swallowed and finally he stopped walking back and forth. His eyes then met with mine, his eyes so dark and captivating compared to mine, and my heart skipped a beat. Still he did not understand it fully. I did not want to leave him. I only wanted to prove myself to hi, and to them, but also to myself I suppose as well. There was a pain in my chest then, in knowing that he did not understand. As I sat up on the bed his lips parted.

"I don't want you to go," he said. He then came back to bed. He crawled above me, pinning me down, and kissed me. I couldn't complain that he did this, nor would I. I wrapped an arm around his waist instead of saying anything at that moment. The other hand I pressed to his cheek. He placed his forehead against mine and quickly kissed me once again.

"I am not leaving you," I told him. I tipped my head back to kiss him lightly again. "I love you Alexander. You know that I am not leaving you. I'll never leave you."

"But you are Hephaestion," he whispered sadly against my skin. "You're putting so many miles between us. I feel as if now it is my turn to ask you what is it that you run from."

"It is merely a camp," I tried to assure him. "I will not be in a position to be injured, you know this. I have to do this Alexander. You know that you are the only reason I am anything at all in this world. You know I live for you. You know that I am a general because of your love for me, and nothing more it seems."

"No," he disagreed as he rested his chin on the crook of my shoulder where it met my neck. "You are a general because you deserve such a position. The others know this Hephaestion, they do! They are merely jealous that you are the one I love. They know that you are the owner of my heart, some of them, but they know you are a great general."

"They don't say that," I said with a slight laugh. Alexander raised his head and shifted his position. He moved so that he lay next to me, his arms wrapped around me, only the sheets touching us. Everywhere else his skin touched mine, or mine touched his. Alexander traced a small scar on my chest with the tips of his fingers. He lifted his head to look at me as I laughed.

"It is merely their jealousy my love. Their words don't warrant you leaving me for an entire winter to set up a camp. There are plenty of others that could do the task. It is nothing hard."

"No, but they must know that I too do my share in this campaign."

"How can you think that you do not," he said as he pushed himself up on an elbow to stare down at me. He kissed my lips softly, teasingly as well, and it brought me sorrow. I knew that once I left I wouldn't be this close to him for a winter. It was the only thing I was worried about. "You're the only one that has ever cared Hephaestion. You are the only one who looks at me and doesn't see a king. You look at me and you see Alexander, you see me, and you're the only one who has ever been honest with me. You've done far more for me than anyone else ever has. Phae, don't leave because of them."

"I want to do this too Alexander. I want to know that I can do it."

"Of course you can," he said as he kissed me once more. He then placed a hand on my cheek, cupping my face, and stared at me as if memorizing it all over again. There were almost tears in his eyes and I realized there was something more than just a fear for loss there. He was scared, perhaps for the same reasons that I was, or perhaps for others. Alexander kissed me lightly once more, and a tear ran down his cheek as he pulled his lips away from mine. "Hephaestion, you know that without you I am nothing. What am I going to do without you?"

"Alexander," I said softly as I reached up and ran a hand through his hair. I loved his hair. It was a golden color that only the sun could match, and Apollo let him do so. It was also softer than the finest Persian silks. He looked at me, as he always did, trying to listen to my feelings instead of thinking only of his own. He tried so hard to listen to me, and to stop listening to his own thoughts.

"This truly is something that I must do," I tried to explain, which was hard, because part of me didn't know what I really wanted to do this for. That part of me wanted to stay wrapped in his embrace throughout the winter. There were others that could build the camp. He was right, it wasn't that hard of a task. "I need to know that I can do something for you, something that you can trust me with. Since you trust me, I want to build you a camp that will make you proud. Alexander, I want to know in my heart that I built something, something that you needed. I want to know that I am a general and your lover, just like you are king, but also my lover. Alexander, tell me that you can begin to understand this. Tell me that I'm not breaking your heart."

"I need my heart broken," he said as he lay back down next to me. "No, I understand Hephaestion. You always were strong. Phae, was I unfair to you when you came back to Pella?"

"What?"

"When you came back, I already knew that I loved you. I tried so hard not to interfere when Cassander picked on you for being Athenian. I tried so hard, because I thought it was what you wanted, so that you could handle it. Should I have stopped them, Hephaestion, all those years ago?"

"Alexander, Cassander has always fought with me in that way. There was nothing you should have done all those years ago. This isn't your fault. I just need to know."

"I want to tell you not to go," he whispered against my neck as he kissed me softly there. I loved his light kisses. They were tender, soft, unlike so much that he did as a king. He was a different person with me. There was nothing rough about him, not then, as he held me and caressed me. "I can't make you stay though. I wouldn't force you to stay."

"I love you Alexander," I reaffirmed once more. I did love him. I loved him so much that it hurt sometimes. Going an entire winter without being with him was going to be the hardest thing in my life to do. I'd never been apart from him for long. Not since knowing that I loved him and I came back to Pella from Athens. From then on, never had we been apart. This was going to be hard for the both of us.

"I know," he said as he stopped moving and just held me. "You are the only one that I will ever love, Hephaestion. The only one."

I smiled softly as he crossed his arms over his chest. He still did not want me to go. The more that I thought about it, the more I did not want to go either. I glanced behind me at the men he'd chosen to go with me. They were good men, from what I knew. Some of them I had never seen before. A few others I knew, like Kielas, who had been with us now for six years. He was a page to Cassander when he was fourteen. When he turned fifteen, he became Alexander's page, because Alexander took a liking to him. It was fine with me, for the boy was nice to have around, and Alexander's liking for him was more of a respect. It wasn't physical, and I wasn't worried. Kielas was now twenty, and he still looked a few years younger than that.

He truly was rather good looking. His hair was shoulder length, a sandy blond color, and he cut his hair in jagged ends. It looked fine on him though. Some might not have been able to get away with it. His eyes were a dark emerald green, but up close there were in his irises honey colored flecks of gold. His skin was tan, his muscles greatest at his arms, even though he was a foot soldier. He did have the highest cheekbones I'd ever seen on a Macedonian though. Kielas was handsome, and the Persian women knew it, and he'd taken a liking to one of Darius' harem women. She'd been trailing the army from then on, and Alexander let her, paying her in gold coin so that she could live freely on the way. I liked Kielas, but did not know why Alexander would be sending him with me, when clearly the boy had things to do here. Specifically, spend time with his lady friend.

"I thought he would remind you of me," Alexander then said to me, bringing my attention back to him instead of the men. I looked at him quizzically for a moment. I still did not know why he would want that. He knew that I was faithful to him, even when at times he was not to me, yet we had tried to get past that. Was he sending some sort of temptation, just to test me? For already I could tell him that it was he I loved, and always would, and there was no point to sending Kielas if that were his plan.

"Perhaps if you look at him long enough, you'll want to come back to me."

"Are you sure you want to send him with me," I then asked. "He is young Alexander, you know how we were when we were his age. There is a woman here that wants to be with him, and he loves and needs her. Why are you sending him with me?"

"He wanted to go," Alexander then told me quietly. "There is spirit in him, as you know, and I couldn't crush it. He wants to be a part of this as much as you do I suppose. So if you are going to go, and he wants to go, I cannot stop either of you. Besides, I really do hope that as it gets colder you'll want to come back to me."

"Alexander…"

"You will come back," he said before I could get anything else out. "If you get sick, or if you miss me too much, you will come back won't you? Anything, Hephaestion, should anything make you uneasy leave. Come back, and leave someone else to finish the camp."

"You know that I never leave things unfinished," I said as I wrapped my arms around him for a hug. "I'll be there waiting for you."

"Are you sure," he said as he surveyed the situation once more. "Getting their may be hard, even with the scouts. Hephaestion, are you positive that you do not want them to go ahead first? They can send word and you can follow later?"

"Alexander," I said, pressing my lips quickly to his cheek. "All will be fine. I've been with the scouts many times. Never before have I been close to being hurt. Believe me, all will be fine. Please, don't worry, for it will only cause me to regret this."

"Know that I will miss you," he said as he wrapped his arms around me once more. Another tear fell down his cheek and this once I reached up and wiped away. He looked beautiful when he cried. There was something about him being so vulnerable before me that I loved, not because of the power, but because I knew that I was the one that would bring him hope once more. Yet, that day, I knew that I would not be the one to tend his wounds. Instead, this time I was the one causing him pain.

"I know," I assured him with a smile. I pressed one last kiss against his lips before I turned. I then mounted my stead, a horse he had picked out for me himself. I had a few horses, not by choice, but because Alexander had kept more than one for me. There was my war horse, which I rode only into battle, and whom I loved dearly. We did not have the bond that Alexander and Bucephalus did, but it was close enough, for I did love that horse. There was also a horse that he kept for me in times when we were merely riding, a horse that the seller said had come from Arabia, where the horses always went long distances. I loved that horse too, as did I love the horse I was on now, which was made for the mountains. Or so Alexander had been told. There really was no way to know, other than the fact that this horse never stumbled no matter where we were.

Once on the horse, I looked at him once more. He tried to keep his expression calm. Oh, Alexander, my dear one. I looked down at him, and mouthed that I loved him, for I could not say the words. I felt too much pain to say anything. I felt as if I opened my mouth, I would die. It was probably true as well. It was then that I left him, knowing that I would not see him for an entire winter. All the way to our destination, I kept thinking about all that we had been through. Things no longer are so simple.

When we were boys, things seemed simple. They never were, but it was simple to us, because we didn't know anything else. We knew that his parents were different, because their love was strong in a way. There were things they did that to this day he is not over. I am not over some of them, just knowing how he felt during some of his troubled times. However, at the same time, we did not care back then. Instead, we cared about one another. We truly loved one another, and we wanted to be together, and we did not care about what the world as much. Now, we do care. We have to, because now, it is different. We are looked at differently. Things were so simple then. Now, they are not.

Perhaps it changed at Chaeronea, when we both realized what we were. It was easy for him to lead, to kill to do so, and to win. It has never been easy for me to lead. I can't cope with the fact that I send young men to their death. I do not like to kill. It is hard to look at those that I kill, knowing that they are just as I am. They are the son, the father, the brother, the husband to someone, just as I am. It is hard to know that I kill them, when they could kill me, and we would kill one another for things that we should be able to talk out. At least, in a perfect world I would like to talk things out. Yes, we realized how different we were in Chaeronea.

It did not hurt us though. We just knew that we were different. I was his opposite, which all had known already, but it was reaffirmed there. I am able to calm him. He is able to calm me. There is so much that we both share though, no matter how different we are. We love one another. That is the most important thing. We love one another, and always have, and leaving him is the hardest thing that I have ever done.

Now I stand in my own tent, watching as the men he sent with me make their own tents. Already I miss him. It has taken days to get here, weeks really, and I am aware of just how many miles we are apart. I'm beginning to think that perhaps I should have stayed with him. Yet I know that this is where I belong. At least for now. I cross my arms over my chest and continue to stare out. I wonder how many of them feel the way that I do. I suppose that I have been unfair for all these years.

When the men complain, saying that they want to go home, I am the one that convinces them Alexander knows what he is doing. Maybe I've been biased. Of course, I trust him because I love him. Yet, maybe there are times when I should tell him more of what they say. I try never to worry him. Perhaps I should try to worry him more, just so he knows. Never before have I done that. But I suppose that I have been unfair in a far greater aspect. The men that wish to go home always tell me that they wish to see their family and their loved ones. As I should do, to protect Alexander, I tell them that it will be fine. I assure them that soon we will be able to go back and they can see these loved ones. I am unfair to them though, because, do I really care?

I have the one that I love with me. I have always had him with me. Perhaps now that I am going to know what they feel, I'll feel differently. Maybe I am going to end up like them, wanting to go home, to see the one that I love. I'm just like them though. I can't go back, not until this is done. I am just like them now. I am alone. Alexander is not here to help me, to comfort me, to remind me what it is that I love about this campaign. I am alone, for the first time, and it scares me. But, it has scared them for so long. This is what I wanted out of this, to prove that I am just like them. However, as I stand here already missing Alexander, I am beginning to wonder if that is really what I want. Maybe I was just foolish. Only a winter shall tell though.

A/N: Review! Let me know what you think! I'll put the next chapter up ASAP.