A Winter Apart Chapter 2: Alexander tries to Cope, an alexander fanfic

Title: "A Winter Apart"

Author: Baliansword

Rating: T for Teen

Chapter: 2 of 7 ; "Correspondence from Alexander"

Pairings: Alexander/Bagoas, Alexander/Hephaestion

Summary: What Hephaestion and Alexander did apart over a winter. Includes letters the two wrote one another. First chapter is a PoV.

Warnings: Some sexual content, some gore, but overall rather mellow

A/N: I felt that their separations should be written. They are together in most stories. I thought we should split them up for awhile. But don't worry; they come back to one another at the end.

Dedication: I dedicate this to everyone who has ever been apart from love. (And to my Calculus class, because that is where I've been brainstorming this.)

H/N: During Alexander's campaigns he often sent Hephaestion to secure areas. However, they were generally not apart long. Not until the Hindu Kush campaign, where they spent a winter apart. Historically, the separation in this fiction happened. However, some of my events might not have.

Alexander glanced up at the flickering candle. Under normal circumstances he would not have noticed. However, under these circumstances, it was beginning to annoy him. His head was not where it should have been. He couldn't concentrate on anything. It had been a week and already it was harder and harder to fall asleep at night without having Hephaestion with him. The flame flickered again and this time Alexander reached out with a hand and extinguished the flame. There was still three other candles to see by. He didn't need that one. Upon getting rid of the distraction, he immediately glanced back down at the papyrus he'd been reading. He quickly cursed, since he'd read the same sentence at least ten times now, and dropped his pen. He pushed his chair away and stood.

Where was Hephaestion? What was he doing at the moment? All of these things kept running through his head. He couldn't concentrate on anything, no matter how he tried. He just wanted to know that he was alright. He was everything that he wanted, everything that he needed, and currently he was nowhere near him. His heart was aching, and he felt it, but for the most part he just missed Hephaestion. It wasn't that he wanted to touch him, to be with him in a sexual way, but he just missed him. However, he was beginning to notice that he did want to be with him in a sexual way. Was he that selfish?

Alexander decided that he wasn't going to get anything done, at least not in the way of work. Hephaestion was always better at staying on task. He'd always been that way. Even when they were boys, Hephaestion paid attention far better than Alexander even did at certain things. While most of their friends were trying to understand what Aristotle was saying, Alexander was planning a war, and Hephaestion was taking notes on how not to have a war. He liked speaking far better than he did fighting, even though he was equally great at both. Athens taught him such, and Alexander couldn't complain. Hephaestion quickly witted responses to verbal attacks had saved them a few times in the past. They likely would again.

He changed out of what he was wearing. He found a comfortable pair of silk trousers and a silk robe. It touched his skin in a rather erotic way, even though he didn't mean for it to do so. He wondered what was wrong with him. He'd certainly gone a week before without lying with Hephaestion. However, he had to admit, he and Hephaestion had been almost inseparable for the last month. Perhaps that was the problem. Sighing, he went to a table in his room, and picked up a cup. He poured some wine into it and took a drink, hoping that it would soothe him. With his cup in hand, he wandered out onto the balcony,

Alexander must have been out there for some time. He was not sure how long he'd been out there, but he was later joined by another. Alexander glanced at Bagoas as he stepped out onto the balcony. The boy immediately tried to prostrate himself before him. Alexander put a hand out and shook his head. Bagoas then stood, and averted his eyes to the ground. He'd been trained never to look at his master. Alexander was still trying to convince him that he was not his master, and that he was free. The concept of freedom was something that Persians were still not grasping.

"You miss him," Bagoas said, straining to speak the words perfectly, after a few moments of silence passed between them. Alexander turned his head, looking at him. He nodded after a second. Of course he missed Hephaestion. Clearly everyone else could see it as well. Bagoas glanced up at him, then immediately looked back at his feet.

"You miss him because you love him?"

"Yes," answered Alexander. "I love him."

He then observed the confusion that came across Bagoas' face. He knew that it was partially his fault. He'd brought him into his bed, and then, had realized that it was a mistake. Alexander looked at him now and wanted to explain things to him. He couldn't though. It would not be right to. Yet he felt bad, for it was clear that Bagoas had not thought of him as merely a king to please because he had to. He'd also, by the look in his eyes, actually wanted to be with Alexander in such a way.

"He does not want you with me?"

"No," Alexander answered him once more. It was true. Hephaestion had taken his affair with Bagoas to heart. Alexander realized after he'd apologized that Hephaestion took them all to heart. He always tried to understand though, when Alexander would take a woman here and there. He didn't even mind when he'd been with Barsine. It was Bagoas that had pained Hephaestion. For that, Alexander would always feel guilty. Yet, it was true; Hephaestion didn't want him near Bagoas.

"I don't understand," Bagoas said after a moment. He looked at Alexander then, not his feet, pleading with his cat-like eyes for an answer. Alexander wondered for a moment what the rights words would be. How could he explain it to him? There was so much that Bagoas did not understand. How would he understand this?

"Where we come from," he tried to explain, "things are different. Hephaestion loves me, and wants me, and only me. In turn, I am supposed to love him, and only him."

"Love, is it different there too?"

"Love is a feeling, a deep feeling. Making love is different. Here, making love is not regarded as what it is where we are from. It is different. It is hard to explain. But Hephaestion wants me to be with only him."

Alexander knew that Bagoas did not understand it fully. That was alright though. There were things more pressing on his mind. He wanted to know where Hephaestion was. He missed him terribly, and could think of only that. There was a void in his heart now, merely because Hephaestion was gone, and he'd never felt that before. Bagoas slipped away and Alexander let him go. He then ran a hand through his hair as a slight wind picked up. Again he was left to his own thoughts for a great deal of time. Yet he eventually retreated back to his room.

Upon entering he noticed that Bagoas had prepared things for the night. He'd readied the bed and had picked up the various things that Alexander had left out. At times this annoyed him, for he was an adult and could do things himself. At the current moment he did not mind though. It was better to have him put things away then not have them away at all, and lost later. Alexander stared at the boy for a moment, thoughts racing through his head that should not, before he slid the robe away from his shoulders. Keeping the silken pants on, he then slid into the bed, pulling a sheet over his bare upper torso.

"You do not need to stay."

"I would like to," Bagoas said. Alexander looked at him for a moment, wondering what he could tell him. Bagoas did not give him much time to think though. He approached, coming around the bed, and placed his hands on Alexander's shoulders. He began to rub his shoulders and Alexander relaxed slightly. For a moment he titled his head back, closing his eyes, and thought of a time not so very long ago it seemed. In his memory, it was so vivid, he was reliving it. Hephaestion had entered the room, had rubbed his shoulders while he'd been reading a letter from his mother, providing comfort in just standing near him. Alexander remembered such a moment, even the way that Hephaestion smelled, and the slight noises they heard from the open balcony. Yet this memory could not last long, for he opened his eyes, knowing suddenly that it was not Hephaestion touching him.

It was not fair, what happened next. Bagoas came around the side of the bed and kissed Alexander then. Alexander closed his eyes, knowing it was wrong the entire time. However, he was not thinking of Bagoas. He was thinking instead of a man that was miles away. Nothing was fair to Bagoas, for he was not Hephaestion, nor could he be. The simplest things were different. Alexander tried to block these things from his mind, thinking only of Hephaestion, but he still knew them.

Hephaestion's lips were not the same as Bagoas'. There was a depth to Hephaestion's lips, for they were fuller, and softer. Hephaestion's lips at times were cracked from the sun. At times they were bruised from lovemaking. Yet, all the while, they were perfect. Bagoas' lips were soft, but unchanging, even when passion changed. There was nothing exciting about it. The excitement was coming from the thought that this could have been Hephaestion.

Their touches were different too. It was physical, yes, because Hephaestion's hands were rougher. They had worked, where Bagoas' had never worked hard at all. Yet, Hephaestion's hands could be soft and tender if the time called for it. Bagoas' could never be rougher. Their touches were different though in a different way. When Hephaestion touched him, it was as if his heart was touching him, as if his soul depended on it. His touches were his feelings. Bagoas' touches were merely his hands occupying space.

They were different. In the end, what he shared with Hephaestion was love. What he shared with Bagoas was sex and nothing more. He did what he had always done when he'd lain with Bagoas. He pretended to sleep afterward, even though he did not, merely closed his eyes. Alexander heard Bagoas leave but his eyes remained shut for some time. When he did open them he did nothing more than stare up at the ceiling. It was wrong, this, and he could not justify it. He didn't even know why he had felt the need to give in. Was he truly so weak a man?

How ironic it was that he was supposed to be so great. He could lead an army of men, or so they would all say, but he could not live without one man. There was nothing that he regretted about this though. He would rather be unable to live without Hephaestion then to have never had him at all. Once he knew that Bagoas was gone for sure, he pushed the sheets away from his bare body. He then stood and pulled his robe over his shoulders. Leaving the bed, he picked up a piece of paper, and took it with him to the balcony.

The words came easily to him. He let the pen scrawl across the paper. He filled it quickly. It was then that he looked at his words and read them aloud. Alexander felt, somewhere deep in his heart, that if he read them they would become true once more. If he said them, then perhaps Hephaestion would be able to hear them.

Hephaestion,

There is so much that I long to say to you. Without you I seem to be nothing. I miss you more than I have ever missed you. There is a hollow spot inside my heart. I feel as if I am writing things that I have never spoken. I want to speak them. I need to speak them. I love you more than I can imagine and I am weak, oh so weak, and I am going to make you weak as well writing this.

You are miles away. But I can still feel you with me if I try to hard enough. I can feel each and every touch we've shared and I can smell you. I taste you. Everything is you now. Oh by the gods how I miss you. I shall be strong though. I must be strong. I have no doubt that wherever you are, you are being strong, and I fear that I am not. Love weakens me so much.

Know, where you are now, that I love you. I love you and only you. I cannot wait to hold you once more. Yet, even as I write this, I know that I only need to close my eyes. You are always with me.

Alexander

"You look terrible," whispered Cassander as he took another sip of his drink. He then sat down next to Alexander on the bench. He propped his feet up on a nearby rock and then glanced at his friend. It was a good enough morning. So far nothing had gone wrong in any rank, nothing he would have to fix, which meant he had nothing to do. The sun rising was not at all bad either. This was not home, but at least it was currently pleasant. There was no rain yet, and Cassander was glad for this. "You look as if you've lost him."

"What?"

"Come on," Cassander said with a laugh. "I know that only Hephaestion can get you in such a mood."

Cassander lifted his hand and took another sip of his drink. He then reached over and playfully clapped Alexander on the shoulder. They were still friends after all this time. There were times when they did not see eye to eye. That came between them; however, they managed to survive. Alexander was a good enough friend, despite his flaws, and the same could be said about Cassander. Cassander drank once more from his cup before going on.

"No one holds it against you," he assured his friend, his king. He glanced at Alexander, wondering whether or not the king would wish him to stop. Perhaps the king did, yet his friend did not. The admittance comforted his mood. "In fact I think many believe you are a better man for loving."

"You all speak against him though," Alexander said and Cassander smirked at him. It was something that was known. Even Cassander could admit that he was jealous of Hephaestion. It was his jealousy at times that slipped out, forcing him in a way to down-talk Hephaestion. In truth he respected the general though and would save his life at any time if he could.

"Yes," agreed the other with a slight laugh. He still continued to sip his drink. "We all speak things that we should not concerning your beloved. We must though, for if we did not, we surely would have nothing else to do. Sometimes it is easier to call him a rude name than to call him a respectable man that is better than us."

"I've never said he was better than you."

"You don't need to. We all know. But still, in missing him it proves that you have a heart. You too can be wounded, Alexander, and the rest of us like to see that. There are those of us that were beginning to think you were a god."

"I'm no god."

"Miss him all you want," Cassander told him. "The men will not care. We all know that Hephaestion is the one you hold in your heart. If you miss him you should not be afraid to do it openly. Love him, without caring what we all think. At first it might have been frowned upon. Yet, now, we all know. I think we have had years enough to understand it. Believe me, it is fine to love. Just, do as you have always done. Keep your hands to yourselves in public. Mope around when he is gone; tell everyone you have the flu."

"Yes," Alexander said with a nod. "The flu."

"What are you two doing up already," a familiar voice asked. Ptolemy stepped out onto the balcony with them and sat down on a nearby chair. He had with him a plate of food, telling the others the cook had been awoken. Ptolemy never did anything on an empty stomach. Even for him it was still early though. Not to mention there was likely a very angry cook somewhere.

"Talking about Alexander," Cassander said as he drank again. Ptolemy's eyes turned to Alexander who nodded but said nothing. It was Cassander that went on, opening his mouth, knowing that Ptolemy was no fool either. All of the Companions knew about Alexander and Hephaestion. "He misses his beautiful Hephaestion already."

"It has been three weeks," Ptolemy reminded Cassander.

"I've been without sex for," Cassander paused. "No, never mind. I cannot say that after all. It is true then, Alexander, you are completely void in the world."

"Yes," Alexander said quietly, for in truth, he knew how incorrect that statement was.

A/N: Sorry for the posting delay. Hope to see more reviews for this. Thank you everyone that reviewed the last chapter. You guys rock. Hope you enjoyed this. Everyone else, review s'il vous plait.