Good old Fusty never seems surprised to see me. He was taken aback by the state of my shoes, though.
"Really, now, Miss, I thought you were going to take better care of yourself than that."
"It was an emergency. I'll buy you a new pair."
He gave me this look more intimidating than anything the Batman could ever do.
"The shoes belong to a young lady who is almost certainly not coming back to claim them. My comment was directed solely toward yourself."
"That's touching, old man, but I'm fine. Is ----- in?"
--
Short wait.
Think I have a little of that stuff still in me. I hugged him, I was so glad to see him. Surprised the hell out of him.
"Liss? What's wrong?"
"I'm having a bad day. You know what it's like for someone to have a bad day in this city."
I filled him in as concisely as I could. Only what he needed to know. Still felt a little exposed telling him about it. Just because he's all father-figurey doesn't mean I trust him that much.
But he trusts me enough to follow my advice when I tell him the Joker's easy pickings.
He's gone. Didn't offer to take me with him, this time. With the boss, he never does.
I'm waiting for Fusty to warm up the Bat-Computer. The Batcave looks so familiar, and yet so different. There's a new display case just behind me with a Robin costume inside.
I haven't seen Robin around, or heard of him adventuring with Bats since just after I left last year. I miss the kid. Batman has avoided talking about him. I can only assume something terrible happened. Or he went off to college like Nightwing. Some falling-out? Maybe he's still out there, somewhere. Or maybe he retired.
I guess Batman thinks I don't need to know.
--
Survivors. Seven of us, all connected somehow to a cape or a mask. Girlfriend, boyfriend, assistant, secretary, sidekick, whatever you want to call it. Did WW just go for us first because she recognized us? But that wouldn't explain the masks, just the capes. Right?
Grand coincidence? I doubt that.
--
I wouldn't have known who half these people were if Bats and Oracle didn't keep such meticulous records on every little thing. Interesting.
Oracle, the good old disembodied voice, suggested I should spend my time on the Bat computer learning more about the other Capes. Like Green Lantern. I think she's just stalling me until Batman gets back.
What the hell do I care about a guy with a magic decoder ring? Nobody should get their superpowers from the bottom of a box of cereal.
--
In brightest day, in darkest night
No evil shall escape my sight
Let those who worship evil's might
Beware my power, Green Lantern's light
--
Pretty powerful set of magic words there, Trev.
One of their guys got his own special chant.
--
In loudest din or hush profound
My ears catch evil's slightest sound
Let those who toll out evil's knell
Beware my power: the F-Sharp Bell
--
You know what? By the power of Greyskull, I HAVE THE POWER. Bitch.
--
God, I'm tired of this. All of this. The runaround. The questions. The lies. The effort. The pain. All of it.
I'm so tired of all of this.
--
I left. I didn't get my answers. It doesn't matter anymore, does it?
I left. A----- followed me upstairs, but it wasn't his place to follow me out of the house. I hope he'll say goodbye to Batman for me. Dear grim protector, I'll miss you. But I'll never be a Batgirl. I don't know why I keep coming back.
God, I guess I just can't help myself. I just keep bouncing back and forth between the boss and the bat.
If I didn't think the boss would shoot me on sight, I would probably be going back to him right now.
--
Safe in a hotel room, all by my lonesome. I actually own this hotel, but they don't have to know that.
I bought this place because Mark liked the fountain in the lobby. I bought a lot of things after he died, things that reminded me of him. But nothing I did brought him back.
Nothing I ever do will bring him back to me.
I need to get out of Gotham. I want to go home.
--
Hey, guess who's immune to the Scarecrow's fear toxin.
I love it when the Joker sneaks up on me. He actually came to me to hide him from Batman. Fucking ridiculous.
I left him in my hotel room. He abandoned Harley and the others to their fate. Let him save his own skin if Bats catches up with him.
Amazing. I seem to have run out of CARE.
--
Batman came up behind me as I was sitting on a park bench just after sunset. I told him not to waste his time on me, and eventually he left me alone.
Some goodbye. Sorry, Bats, but I don't really want you to know this is my last night in Gotham.
I hope he doesn't see this as his failing. I hope he knows I never wanted to rely on him. I never could have been his child.
After Batman, I went walking through the slums. Beautiful Gotham comes to life at night, the most beautiful city in the world. In a dark alley, I saw two groups of children murdering each other for territory the survivors won't live long enough to hold. By the light of a glowing neon sign, I watched painted seraphim reaching out to passersby for even the illusion of fleeting human love. Under a flickering streetlight, the only one left on the block, I stood looking up at the crumbling, boarded-up damn abandoned library where I left Lexy, Eddie, and the Scare…and Jonathan.
I didn't come back to rejoin them. I just wanted to say a quick goodbye. To Lexy, who's too sweet for this kind of life. To Eddums, who just needs a hug. And to Jonathan, who, damn it, I'm actually starting to like in spite of myself. How much would that piss him off if he knew it? Especially if he knew I was using his first name.
They've moved on. I don't know where.
I'm sitting in the airport now, waiting for my time to fly.
All I can think about is that night after my son died, how I sat on the roof of the hospital, gazing down at the lights of Gotham City, dreaming of flight. He was my son, if only for a little while. He was my son and I loved him.
For so long, I've fantasized about finding his killer. And taking him down. In a sleek black dress and a thousand dollar fur coat I would gun him down in a fiery blaze of vengeance.
I can't. It's out of my hands.
He was a very small man who tried to steal powers too vast for him to use. He failed. He died. Before I even left the hospital for the Batcave, the man I wanted was already dead, a victim of his own folly. The douchebag. He cheated me of my vengeance. He died!
I was right the first time around, laying the blame on myself. Punishing myself. I should have…I failed...
And that's what I learned from the bat-computer, teacher. That's what Batman never told me to my face. I guess he was trying to protect me, to shield me. I guess.
Well, I guess some questions will never be answered, and some questions shouldn't be. There will never be closure. Not in the real world.
I'll never know who stole Jonathan's fear toxin and supplied it to Lock-Up, or why. I hope he finds that answer. I hope not all vengeance is denied.
I'll never know whether or not Jonathan and Lexy will manage to work things out. But I hope they do. She wants so much to be his daughter, or his lover, or whatever it is she wants from him. There is genuine love between the two of them.
Love is not the greatest tragedy we can face. For people like us, to love and be loved in spite of all we do is the greatest possible triumph.
Believe in that, if you can believe in nothing else. I do.
I've almost reached the end. Lexy, my last and latest friend, I'm leaving this notebook in your care. Candy will send it to you with the rest. She's no longer a part of my life, but she was there for the best part of it, my little almost-sister. Tell her I love her. Tell them all.
I want you to know who I am and who I was and who I could have been and who I'll never be. I want someone to know.
I'm going away now. I'm going across the water, to a place where there is no Batman. And there is no Superman. And I will not be found.
It's time for my flight. I'll finally get the answer to at least one of my questions.
Will I go up and up and never hit the ground? Will a little boy reach down to take my hand and pull me up into the clouds?
I hope there is an answer.
But either way, I guess I'll keep it to myself.
The end of the page, the end of the notebook, the end of the world.
It's funny. I'm struck with a sudden fear of flying.
I wish you well. Goodbye.
With so much love it's not even funny,
Liss.