Yes, I was honored to be one of the few non-SOLDIERS to be trained by the great General Sephiroth...Though not too many others would still take pride in it..but I'm not going to forget the honor he did me...regardless of his recent actions. All right Mr.Zuri...I'll tell you about how he trained me. Oh hell no it wasn't easy! I never said that it even resembled easy! What it was, was damned good at teaching me what I needed to know to defend myself!
The general believed in the idea of pain as the best teacher, because it is instinctive to try to avoid it. Pain is also closely tied to memory..If something hurts you, you're going to remember what you did wrong, to avoid repeating the experience. Once he taught you a maneuver, he expected you to implement it. If you missed a block, you got thwacked..and I don't mean just a love tap...he usually left bruises to remind you. He said that an enemy wouldn't stop at mere bruises...And on the rare occasions that anything worse than a bruise occurred, there was always a cure spell. There were also potions for use after a session if the discomfort was great enough to prevent sleep. I was too proud to ask for one often, but it was not unusual for me to come back to quarters with welts and bruises from not only his practice blade, but the leather riding crop he carried when someone was in the early stages of training with him. He used it in lieu of his fists, because he was so strong that he could kill with them if he wasn't careful, and the crop would break before doing real damage...No, that's not an exaggeration, I saw him do it once...Killed an attacking Wutaian with a single punch to the head, but that's another story. Punches or blows from a hand can be as incapacitating as any you'd get from a blade anyway. He'd give you a whack if he thought you were holding back with him too. It was unnecessary to do so, since no ordinary person had any chance of harming him at all...Even if they were mako infused, it was exceedingly unlikely that they'd succeed in getting the advantage...He was, after all, the best! It was far from pleasant, but I definitely learned to defend myself!
After a while, as I became more proficient at dodging he needed to use the crop less, and when I reached a level where I was able to block effectively, he stopped using it altogether. He made sure I kept in practice on at least a weekly basis. If I didn't engage in a sparring session with someone at least once a week, General Sephiroth would "invite" me to spar himself...and planet defend me then, if I wasn't in decent shape! No, no dammit! It wasn't abusive or excessive, he was always fairly careful with me...I never needed more than a simple potion to completely cure any injuries I got from the sparring sessions. For that matter, the only times I got really hurt were when I'd done something either exceptionally stupid or tried a new move I'd come up with...For the latter, he didn't even wait for me to ask for the potion, he'd simply cast a cure and critique the advantages and disadvantages of the new move. He treated all the trainees the same, and I probably could have asked him to ease up on me a little at any time, without anybody but myself thinking less of me. I knew exactly what I was getting into from the beginning, and he explained exactly what I was in for every step of the way. No one was in training with him who didn't want to be there. For that matter, beyond a certain basic level, I could have stopped altogether, but chose to learn all I could anyway...And I was beginning to enjoy the physical activity anyway. It gets so extremely boring sitting on your butt doing paperwork day after day that having a training session or a spar is a very welcome break. He was always careful not to push us too far beyond our strength. No, it isn't exaggeration, it's a simple fact Mr. Zuri...you can probably look it up for yourself. Nobody that he trained was ever seriously injured during that training. Something that was simply not so with other trainers. I think it was because he was SO much stronger, on such a higher level of ability that he learned to control and temper his strength better.
As I continued training, over time I needed less of his attention...That meant I could watch more of the training the SOLDIER training process. One day after watching a 'hostage' retrieval with a 'female' dummy end up badly botched...Mostly due to some of their typical boyish misbehavior, I began to tentatively offer suggestions. "Are you volunteering to show them major?" The general asked with a look...That look that said loud and clear that he wouldn't allow pointless interference, that I'd better have something relevant and useful to say...or I was going to be lucky to end up on latrine duty for the remainder of my career...He was already annoyed with the failure of the exercise...I was taking something of a chance, but I believed I could help. "Yes sir, I guess I am..Because if they try to handle a real female that way, someone will likely end up, umm, incapacitated temporarily...if they are lucky." I said..they'd their hands in very inapproprate places for a female hostage...and thought it was oh so very funny.
Yes, I know it was just a dummy..but it was damned unproffesional and unobservant of them! Just because they were in the habit of treating me like one of the boys, didn't mean my gender had changed, Mr. Zuri. I have to admit that I'd been rather offended by the comments and such they had been exchanging as well...and slightly unnerved as well at that time...Sixteen to twenty something year old boys all grouped together, what else would you figure? Now, mister Zuri, don't give me that innocent look..think back to when you were that age...I know it wasn't that long ago now...ehhh? Haha, thought so!! I didn't feel that it was an attitude that men destined to be several times stronger than normal men should be encouraged to keep...For the sake of the women they'd meet later, I felt I had to do something to curb their, errm, boyish enthusiasm...before one of the ladies ended up curbing it with a knee to the groin!
"Go ahead major." the general said with deceptive mildness and a slight smirk. I nodded and started to talk, knowing that I was on my own in this, sink or swim...But I got the faint impression that he was annoyed by their behavior as well, if only because it was so unproffesional, and might have reflected badly on him as their commander.
"Y-You have to treat women like roses!" I said nerves making my voice tremble slightly, and they looked totally confused by the metaphor. Yes, I know it was a cheesy metaphor, but it's what I could think of at the time. "What happens if you handle a rose the wrong way?..You either damage it, or you get scratched by the thorns. If you handle a real woman the way you were handling the training dummy, she's going to think you're a pervert and do all she can to fight you off, no matter what your real intentions are...and someone will likely get hurt in the process, either you or the lady in question. If you tried to carry me off like that, touching me in such an inappropriate manner, I'd fight you off...And with me at least, you have the advantage of knowing that I'm trained to effectively defend myself, and keep myself from getting hurt. From a civilian lady you could expect screaming, kicking, scratching, and biting at the least, especially with a frightened, manipulated or enchanted target." I said plainly. One of the boys snickered..cocky little bastard as I recall...fortunately he got that knocked out of him later on...Solshini or Saltsini, or something like, was his name. "You want to try it and see boy?..I'll even be civil about it!" I challenged him. "Sure!" he said with a snicker, and charged right in and slung me over his shoulder, patting me on the butt..Smart assed bastard thought it was funny..big mistake, because now I was pissed! I reached down his back, snagged his underwear, and yanked them up to give him the wedgie of a lifetime. I walloped him upside the head with my elbow in the same motion, he dropped me, and I swept his feet out from under him, landing him on his backside...Using choice words I'd acquired while living in the slums all the while. I kicked his chest to knock him flat when he tried to sit up, and lifted a foot over the trainee's..ahem, particulars for several seconds, letting him know just what my next target would have been...You look a little pale there Mr. Zuri, is everything all right? Ok?, alright, on with it.
I stepped back and offered the young man a hand up. "I think they've got your point now major. the general said dryly. "This information from the female perspective is useful." His eyes brightened with an idea. "Perhaps we should involve you in the training process from now on. You know we have a live person in the place of the dummy later on in the process..Will you agree to play 'victim' for the men?" the general asked with that note of challenge in his voice. I thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "I would be willing to do so, sir. I think they already know what it's all right to grab hold of, they just needed a reminder." I said, raking them over with a glare. "If anyone becomes in any way inappropriate with you, you have my permission to break the offending fingers." general Sephiroth said. "I'm sure that will not be neccessary sir...If I'm training with them then I am technically a part of the unit..and that should make me like a sister to them." I said, and the boys all nodded agreement. And so I became more involved in training pre-mako infusion SOLDIER trainees, usually by being a live resisting target, or playing 'brainwashed kidnap victim' for them, so they could practice capturing live, struggling, confused, or manipulated targets unharmed...I didn't mind that much at all, I'm not one of those people who blacks out or gets nauseous from having low level manipulation spells cast on me...probably because I trusted the General, and he was the one doing the casting. It got very rough and tumble at times, but sprains and strains could be taken care of in fairly short order with a cure spell, so I didn't mind getting treated like a sack of grain or a crash test dummy too much...Most of the time.
Being part of the training process nearly got me into trouble again a couple of years later. One of the older trainees in the latest class, was "retrieving" me in a simulated rescue mission, and got me down on the floor in with my arms stretched above my head, grasped in one hand, sitting on me in a certain way, and reaching into his belt for fastcuffs...and something triggered a bad flashback to what had happened when I was about twelve years old. The incident was what prompted me to get that first self defense class and the gun course. You might say that in a round about way, it was what landed me in the military in the first place...No, it's alright. I can talk about it now without wanting to crawl in a hole. The General was in part responsible for that, in fact. I would likely still be suffering through the memories and nightmares if it hadn't been for him...and time has taken care of the rest. By that time I was over the anxiety attacks that had sent me to Shinra's largely ineffective psychiatric counselors, and the night terrors were dimmed enough that they didn't wake me up screaming anymore...I'd trained myself to wake with a gasp or silently. But I'd lived so long with nightmares of it that I'd forgotten what it was like to be without them.
After my aunt died of the plague, there simply weren't enough people left in our little village to take in the orphans, so they shipped us to Midgar...I was fostered out to a woman who didn't care about me at all, just the money she was getting each month from the Children's Services Department for taking care of me. I ran off when she tried to steal away the last things I had from home to sell. I was a child alone in the midgar slums, living off what I could busk, and a couple of taverns that would let me have a corner to play in during the evenings. I was returning to my flop one night, when I was violently assaulted and left for dead. The three of them were high on something, and I was a runaway in a part of the slums I wasn't supposed to be in after dark...Gods, I knew it was dangerous, but I was in a hurry to get back to the flop I was living in at the time, and going through that section was faster. I thought I'd make it through before dark...after all, I'd done it before. I suppose I was a fool to think that nothing would ever happen to me. I didn't look like a twelve year old, I dressed and acted much older to get the occasional bar gig, and wasn't under the protection of one of the gangs...not that that gave them the right, or even an excuse. I knew who they were by reputation at least, and had somewhat trusted them...And they used me and left me for dead with a knife in my guts.
If Ali, a fellow musician, and later my legal guardian, hadn't found me and gotten me help I would have been dead. I still remember waking up in agony, feeling so dirty, so defiled and worthless that I wished I truly were dead. Bastards. It took me nearly five years before I was ready, but I got them. How?..I shot off the offending member..I hadn't intended to kill them, but I didn't realize they would bleed to death...Hell, I was barely sixteen at the time...It had taken that long to learn how to defend myself, and to find the wherewithall to go after them. No, Mr. Zuri, I hadn't been holding the grudge for that long...If they'd never done it again, I'd most likely have forgiven them, or at least forgotten them. For that matter, I probably wouldn't have bothered to go after them personally, if I hadn't felt as if I had nothing left to lose at that point...It was right after Ali was killed, you see, and my life no longer made sense. Killing them was never my intention, I just wanted to stop them from doing it again. I didn't know anything about that part of male anatomy back then, and had no idea how vascular it is. Vicious you say? Not really, it wasn't even out of revenge by then.. it was more that I couldn't have lived with myself if I had allowed what had happened to me to befall anyone else. No one should have to feel so filthy, so worthless as I had felt..especially a child. So I took care of them, permanently, except the one that committed suicide rather than face me...That isn't really fair...he was the youngest, barely fourteen at the time he'd attacked me, and he genuinely regretted it. I'd actually planned to let him go, I felt so sick...I knew by then that I'd killed two men in essentially cold blood. But when I asked him how he could be sure he wouldn't ever do this to another kid, he shot himself. The judge, in consideration of the extenuating circumstances and with the idea of channeling what he percieved as my violent tendencies, gave me a choice, the army or jail. It is obvious now which option I chose. They sealed my records and shipped me off to basic training. After the total chaos of my childhood and adolescence, the discipline and order of the military was the best thing that could have happened to me. It did help me get my head on relatively straight.
It's surprising how things in the past can haunt you even after everything is long since over. It took a couple of years for me to be able to stand anyone other than Ali, my guardian, touching me in any way...Even something like a stranger patting my shoulder without warning made me nearly jump out of my skin, and friendly hugs could give me nightmares for several years after. Holding me down with my hands over my head sent me into full blown flashbacks...Post traumatic stress they'd call it now I guess. It wasn't that big a problem to me, till I'd been placed in that particular physical position...and it brought back all that pain to my mind. Well, all that's water under the bridge now. It's barely an echo of pain, and the flashbacks were gone after the General had his way with me...Hoist that mind out of the gutter right now mister!..I still regarded him with only the affection that one would a sibling! I regarded ALL the trainees and superior officers in a similar fashion, but him even more so...So you can understand why people forgetting the good he did upsets me so much.
Let's just say I panicked and used excessive force. I threw the poor trainee off of me with a shriek, bolted and ended up crouched in a corner shaking and nauseous, locked for a moment in a struggle with the memories. I came back to myself a few seconds later, nearly dying of shame. The guy was still on the floor. I'd thrown him so hard he'd been knocked for a loop when he hit the wall a bit wrong...Hysterical strength, you see. General Sephiroth saw the whole thing, took one look at my ashen face, and told the rest of the class to hit the showers, called a medic to deal with the poor trainee I'd accidentally hurt. After the medic gave him an "OK" sign to let him know the trainee would live, he snapped "Major, my office, now!" he said to me in a tone that brooked no argument. I followed on autopilot as soon as I could force my feet to move. He gestured me in ahead of me, pointed at a chair beside his desk, and sat in one a couple of feet away, and said "What was that all about major? Do you have some kind of grudge against that trainee?" he asked...I think he thought that there had been some kind of ugly prior incident between myself and the trainee. No, rape within the military wasn't common...but it did happen..and he would NOT have tolerated it in his command. "No sir, i-it's nothing like that." I mumbled hanging my head embarrassed, trying to hide the tears running down my cheeks. "Then what?" he asked. "I-it was a long time ago...I-I can't...can't say it sir...I'm sorry." I said shaking with the memories of pain, fear, rage and humiliation.
"Major, what's the problem?" I shook my head, literally unable to speak. "Tell me!" he said and as I hesitated he grabbed my chin and forced me to meet his eyes. "Ah.. I see." he said, after a moment of searching my eyes...A very unnerving experience, I'll tell you...at the time it felt as though he could see into my very soul! No, no, he wasn't an empath...I'm sure of that, I would have known, believe you me, that kind of thing can't be hidden from me! I believe he simply put it together from my reactions. "I think I can guess some of it." he said surprisingly gently, as he released my chin and handed me a pack of tissues from the desk. The only things I sensed from him then were sympathy and understanding...if he'd felt even the faintest bit of contempt for me at that particular point in time, it would have likely killed me. "It wasn't in your open dossier...From what was in it...Can I assume you took care of the offenders personally?" I nodded, confirming his very correct guess. "The only reason I can think of for you to still have this kind of violent reaction is that it occurred when you were very young." he said in a calm tone and I reluctantly nodded. I don't know why I felt I could open up to him and not the army shrinks. "I was twelve, sir..the records were sealed...No one cared about me for a while after my aunt died. When I ran away from the foster home, they didn't even bother to try to retrieve me...and I guess that what they say about what happens to runaways really is true.." I blurted, nearly missing the momentary flare of rage in the his eyes as I was shaking with the effort of not being sick. Then I realized what I'd confessed, and nearly died of shame. "Oh gods! Is it that obvious?!" I was dismayed that anyone knew, much less him! I thought that he must think me a total weakling! "Your reaction made it obvious only to those who know what to look for...this much I can say, and it's something you already know...Listen to me now...There is NOTHING!" this looking directly into my eyes, "you could have possibly done to deserve it. You were a child, and certainly have nothing to be ashamed of." he said lifting my chin gently and wiping my cheeks with a tissue.
I know it's hard for you to believe, Mr. Zuri...but yes, on occasion he could be that gentle and kind with poeple.
"I'm fairly sure you'll have heard the same from the counselors or psychiatrists..though why they didn't catch this before you completed officer training I would really like to know." he said with a raised eyebrow. "They did sir, and said that as an aide, I was unlikely to encounter a situation that would trigger it..It's partly why they didn't put me in combat track instead of support...I, I'm sorry to weep all over you like this, sorry I reacted so violently...I hope that guy isn't badly hurt..I usually keep things under better control than this!..The damn shrinks are clueless." I said angrily, suddenly unable to stop shaking. "Naturally..you don't trust shrinks much, do you? Can you tell me what triggered this reaction?...So we can prevent the situation from happening again." he said...He was right about the shrinks, they hadn't cared what might happen if I got into a situation off duty..only that I wouldn't harm my fellow cadets at the time. "I, I'm n,not a hundred percent sure sir..bbbut it had something to do with being..t trapped, under him like that and him reaching for me." I stuttered still in a whirl of conflicting feelings. "Do you trust me?" he asked. I nodded slowly...I didn't know why, but I did trust him. "Completely...why do you ask sir?" I said, a tiny bit of wariness percolating through chaos in my mind. "I think I know what triggered your response, and I intend to teach you to control it." W,why sir?" I stuttered. "Because I need a fully functioning assistant, not someone who'll be a danger to my men" he growled without looking at me..It was then I sensed that he truly understood why I'd been upset...That he knew exactly how it felt to be violated and used, to feel like a mere thing. Maybe it wasn't in the same way, but something had left him with the same sense of violation nevertheless. I also sensed that he had issues of his own that he wasn't going to talk about...and I wasn't going to invade his privacy by being nosy about it. So I shut down my empathy. Yes, I can do that...I have to do so in battle or I'd feel some of my enemy's distress. I really can't emphasize enough how low level my ability is...You needn't feel afraid of me, I'm never going to read your mind, and won't deep read anything more than I already have...I read your intentions earlier on is all Mr. Zuri. When I shook your hand. Don't be disgruntled...I wouldn't be talking to you at all without that small reassurance. Very small Mr. Zuri...The only difference between me and someone trained to read expressions is that I am more certain of my interpretations, and I don't have to be looking at a person to sense them. I hate it when people get scared of me because of it. I shut it down as completely as I could back then, and simply trusted in him, and maybe that WAS foolish of me, but I trusted and believed in his honor that completely.
I was also remembering the many rows of faded old scars on his ankles and wrists...he kept them covered most of the time with his bracers and boots..but I'd seen them in the baths and when assisting him on with uniforms..the kind of marks you would get from old style cable restraints, the kind used in insane asylums 25 to 30 years ago, repeatedly pulled far too tight, little linear scars from surgical biopsies, countless marks and other terrible scars, and not the kind you'd get in battle. All of them left unhealed for longer than the 24 hour period that would have prevented scarring, and many years old. He would have been very young when they were made for them to have faded so much, even accounting for his rapid healing factor. I didn't even want to think of the kinds of things that would have left those marks on a kid, let alone what kind of person could do that to a kid. A few years later when I found out that Hojo was Sephiroth's father, and learned the kind of horrible experiments and procedures he'd performed on him...Hell no I won't go into detail! I won't even think about it...Why? I like my lunch where it is, not on the floor thank you very much! You can probably imagine what kinds of things left scars even with the healing factor that Jenova cells gives a person...Well, if he went mad, it makes a horrible kind of sense to me. Maybe he was kind to me then because he understood the anguish of being forced into something painful by someone you trust...Or maybe he just enjoyed manipulating people and felt like using me as another lab rat. I don't know, nor do I care...All I know is that I haven't had a flashback since then, and that makes it worth it to me.
"I'd trust you with my life sir..How exactly do you intend to help me?" I'll admit I blanched a bit when he said "I will put you in the same position you were in earlier, and try to trigger the response in a controlled situation, and retrain it." I wondered aloud "Why would you do this for me sir, personally I mean..when you could just turn me over to the shrinks again?" I asked as he was rising to his feet. "Because the shrinks don't seem to have done you any good, and I believe I can...I am probably the only male that you can absolutely trust to never take advantage of you...and I believe you are worth helping." he said and reached out his hand with more than a hint of challenge in his eyes. I read his mood then, and sensed nothing but confidence and curiosity, not even a flicker of the kind of violent lust I'd encountered in men in the past...Even many of the shrinks had at least some of that sort of vibe in them. I suppose most women would have been flattered by it...I was afraid of it back then, even when it was controlled. Strangely enough, the seeming lack of that in the General was a good thing...I think it would have devastated me emotionally and set my fears in stone if I thought he'd felt that way about me at that point in time. I know, it was a bit of bizarre logic...He didn't want me that way, so therefore he was safe. I could have chickened out then..but I truly did want to get this under control..I was tired of living in fear of my own reactions, and having to warn friends to be wary of me in certain situations. So I gathered my courage and took his hand. He led me back to quarters...as a general he had a fairly extensive quarters above the dojo, living room, kitchen, offices, two suites connected by a common room, one of which was the aide's quarters, the SOLDIER trainee's quarters were off beyond the shower walls, connected by a corridor...and all with excellent soundproofing he later told me..a good thing as I would have been humiliated if anyone had heard me screaming.
He pushed the furniture away from the center of the common room, laid me down on the floor, and sat straddling my legs like the trainee had... "Are you alright with this?" he asked calmly. "Last chance to back out, little aide..Once I have begun, I'm not going to stop till you're under control. Do you understand?" That was a point of honor with him..he'd almost always offer you a chance to back out. I could have said no, and he'd probably just sent me back to the damned shrinks...but I was as determined as he was. I nodded. "I, I'll admit I'm nervous sir...but I don't want to hurt anyone by accident again..I want to control this!" I said. He took my wrists in his hands, and began to lift them over my head, switched his grip to both of my wrists...at that I began to shiver and began to breathe a bit more rapidly.."Still alright?" he said. I nodded, barely coherent, then he started to reach for his belt, his hand brushed my stomach.."Please stop!" I yelped, shuddering with the effort of staying in the present. "I d'don't, w'want to hurt you sir!" I squeaked. I know it was not the logical thing to say, but it reflected my fears at the time...I already knew HE was not going to hurt ME! He returned his hand to my wrist, "You're all right, you know you cannot harm me, you're safe here." he said calmly, and stayed still till my breathing and heart rate went back to near normal. "I know the trigger points for certain now. This time just let it happen..don't worry, I won't allow anything damaging." He said, and then reached down, and began to tug at his belt buckle, not actually doing anything with it, just letting his hand movements brush against my stomach..he wasn't stopping this time...the next thing I knew, I was sitting by the couch, several feet from where I started, with my arms wrapped around me from behind. He was holding my crossed arms at my sides, sort of wrapped around me strait jacket style, as I shakily regained my hold on the present...When the roaring in my ears, and the echoes from my shrieks, cleared, I could hear him saying calmly, gently coaxing, "It's alright, you're safe here, come back to here and now, it's safe, come back to the present, Little aide.." over and over till my vision cleared and I was at last able to say "Yes sir." as the memories of pain and terror subsided. I realized then the controlled strength of his grip, from the years of wielding that massive sword..he hadn't let go, even with me writhing and kicking; he wasn't even winded!
He spun me around and laid me back onto my back and took the same position as before, and before I had any time to object, he pulled a pair of quickcuffs out of a pocket, snapped them on me and clipped the chain around the leg of the couch as I made a squeak of startled protest. He didn't give me any time to dwell on what had just happened, or to get upset about it. "Quiet..This is for your own good. Being restrained is a major part of your trigger. The psychs have been overcomplicating things with you. We are going to try to do something about this now. I'm going to retrain your responses, by overriding the negative memory with a simple, non-threatening one, and neutralizing the reflex...You must do exactly what I tell you to. Can you do this?" he said, and I nodded. It made a lot of sense...Half of the defense training he'd been giving me all along was about new reflexes...and he really knew how to train a reflex into or out of a person...In a fight, you don't have time to think things through too much, and you have to rely on your trained reflexes. That was how he trained the boys after all...The same type of positive and negative reinforcement in a more obvious form, even if he didn't always understand the underlying feelings that well. I'd been through enough with the damned psychs, and done enough reading on my own to think this actually had a chance of working. He laid his left hand against the side of my face. "What do you want me to do sir?" I asked, shivering...Of course I was terrified, but I'd have trusted him to lead me through hell and back! "I want you to try to concentrate on my left hand only" I nodded and he began reaching for his belt again..My vision began to blur, and everything went sort of gray...I felt my self slipping..."Hey!" he patted my cheek sharply with his hand, just enough to feel it, not even enough to really sting. "Left hand remember? Good!" he said sort of stroking my face as I snapped back into focus.
He seemed to have infinite patience with me. I'd start to gray out and begin to get overwhelmed, and he'd call me back into focus with a sharp pat, and stroke my face or my hair a bit, for what seemed like a hundred hours, until at last I snapped back into focus and stayed there on my own, without needing to be prompted...I felt absolutely elated. Yes, I am aware of what he was doing now...bit by bit he was reconditioning me, changing my reflexes, and the feelings associated with them, with that little discipline/reward sequence. It worked because repeated emotional trauma had simply set the physical reactions in hard...Let me see if I can explain...I was afraid of hurting others with my wild reactions, and that fed into the memory of fear, and made it overwhelming. He neutralized the physical part of the reaction by restraining me, and that made the emotional one less intense. I didn't have to be afraid that I'd hurt him, and therefore there was less fear to trigger the reaction. When the fear no longer physically overwhelmed me, he started working on the remembered sensations I'd associated so solidly with that memory, replacing the memory of pain with an inocuous, and even mildly pleasant, touch.
"See, now you are in control!" he said, releasing the cuffs. "One of my little tricks to teach you, then we'll call it a night." he said releasing the chain and reclaiming a hold on my wrists. "I'm going to reach for my belt with my right hand, you try to shift your wrists the opposite direction..Good, now lift your left leg, put your foot on the floor for leverage..good, now push with your leg, and roll your shoulders, use your elbows to push..if that doesn't work, you can bring your knee up hard, though please don't do that now.. and..There! See how off balance I am? You can use that advantage to turn the tables on your attacker, or you could break your attacker's grip and run off. Remember, this technique doesn't require a great deal of strength, it's all in the leverage and balance" he said rising, and giving me a hand up.
I realized with wonder that he had just made sure I would never be in the same situation without a defense again!..It occurred to me to wonder for a moment how he had developed such a defense, then I remembered the rows of scars on his wrists..clear evidence that whatever he'd been subjected to, he definitely hadn't been a willing participant...naturally he'd figure a way to prevent being tied up in the first place. It was then that he made an offer that first shocked me, and later, awed me with the incredible courage it had to have taken...Even if he'd made it knowing that I wouldn't take it, or that he could break the cuffs at any time...
"Now it's your turn..If you wish, you may bind me in the same manner, as I bound you without your permission." he said sitting on the arm of the couch. I stared at him, totally agog."You can't be serious sir!" I protested. "I'm entirely serious major, fair is fair." he said putting the quickcuffs in my hand and removing the bracers he always wore. I looked from his face to his scarred wrists in confusion as he stretched them toward me. "Do you...want me to do this sir?" I asked a bit baffled..wondering for a moment if this was some kind of bizarre fetish on his part...I had, after all, seen much stranger things, growing up in the slums. "It is your choice major." he said with slight tightening of his jaw muscle just barely visible. Looking into his eyes I could see that this unnerved him..and he wasn't the kind to allow a fear, however small, to remain unconquered..Maybe he was testing himself, or testing me?..and then I let my empathy uncoil a tiny bit to understand what it was that he was offering me, and with some relief and astonishment I sensed what he was trying to do..He thought that he had pressured me into this, and was giving me the opportunity for revenge..after all doing something to someone 'for their own good' implies an element of coercion. He thought that I would resent or maybe even fear him, even more than others usually did anyway...And that I deserved a chance to hurt him in the same way as he thought he'd hurt me. I looked again at the scars he bore, and into his eyes, sensing the tension in him.. I loved him absolutely in that instant, like he really was flesh and blood kin to me, I would never, ever do anything to hurt him...and swore to myself that anyone attempting to restrain him in my presence was going to need a major healing spell, at the very least! "NO sir!" I said vehemently as I threw the cuffs into a corner as though they were a pile of offal. "Not now, not EVER!" and I threw my arms around him and embraced him tightly...I nearly let go immediately because he was so startled and confused by my actions. "I've never felt in any way coerced by you sir...You never heard me say 'no' did you? I'm not so screwed up that I can't say no!..and I WOULD have said something if I thought for a moment you'd hurt me." I said with some asperity.. He stood still for a moment. "And if anyone tries to tie you up in front of me sir, they're gonna need a medic!" I said ferociously and then, tentatively, awkwardly, as though he wasn't sure exactly what to do, he squeezed my shoulders and patted my back. I don't believe he got hugged often...rarely if ever...Maybe things would have been different if he had.
"You shouldn't be doing this little aide..people would make snide remarks about fraternization if anyone could see you now." he said, letting me go. "I would feel obligated to kick some butt about that point sir." I said releasing him..I never wanted to do anything to make him uncomfortable, and my unusual proximity was doing just that. And as he quirked an eyebrow at me, "Like you tell all the trainees, people in your unit are like family...you don't look old enough to be my father sir, even with that hair...hmm...I've always wanted a big brother!...And I promise not to be as big a brat as my little sister was." I said impishly with little grin at the end. He seemed amused at that...and a bit relieved. "Very well little 'sister', I think I'll let your fellow trainees in on this next week if you're up to it..teach them to use their verbal skills to reassure a frightened and traumatized hostage as well as give you confidence in your control...I don't think you would have reacted the way you did If that trainee had simply spoken soothingly to you." he said. "I'm good for it sir." I said though my stomach was in a roil at the idea. "Good, I will be there to observe the exercise, though I doubt I will need to interfere..they're a good class, these boys...By the way, I do hope you realize that even if I'm a 'big brother' to you doesn't mean you'll get any special treatment from me. You are still my subordinate, and I will still require you to stand for discipline if you screw up, major." he said sternly. Gods, I swear that hadn't even occurred to me..If anyone else had implied it, I'd have sheered their ears off and threatened to kick their rear ends in an effort to extract their heads from them if they even so much as thought it. "Yes sir, frankly I would feel insulted if it was any different." I replied with total honesty as he dismissed me for the evening. As difficult as it was to deal with when I screwed up later, I never regretted that last remark. I was always deeply honored to be treated like any other SOLDIER trainee.