If I forgot a disclaimer then here it is...I don't own Sephiroth or Zack or anyone else who should show up in here except Ana'e and Jair...and most of the time I think Ana'e owns me, not the other way around! Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, or the Oversoul whispering in my ear, depending on your belief system...I should add a warning for language, angst and general unpleasantness.
Why would your superiors have thought I would be a better source for information on General Sephiroth than the surviving SOLDIERs? Talking to yourself Mr. Zuri? Hmm..well, even though the question was rhetorical, perhaps a sort of an explanation is in order. You're right, it isn't just that I was in the closest contact outside of Hojo and the lab techs or SOLDIER personnel. After the Nibleheim reactor incident, Hojo denied any knowledge of the whereabouts of Sephiroth or the men who'd gone with him...and as he was the first company officer on the scene, no one really questioned his account for several years. But the company had placed a considerable amount of reasearch money into Sephiroth and his training, and after discovering some of Hojo's more obvious deceptions, formed a small review committee to investigate exactly what had happened to him...Mostly to pacify those of us who were loyal to him, and the rumor mill. Oh hell yes...I'm absolutely sure now that old man Shinra knew the whole thing, and was using us as an excuse to sneakily review Hojo's budget appropriations. The only accounts at the time were a handfull of sketchy interviews with survivors. I volunteered to help whoever was heading the investigation, and was accepted as an information analyst...and as a result had unprecedented access to records that no longer exist except in my memory. I searched through those records to find any reason why Sephiroth would just abandon his mission, because I knew damned well that no mere monster could have killed him...and when I couldn't find a solid reason in Midgar, I traveled to Nibleheim to look in the records there, and probably found more of Hojo's secrets than I was supposed to...I found his video records behind a wall in the lab.
They included Zack's last report, before Hojo began his experiments on him...No, I'm alright, it was still very upsetting...He thought that he was among friends and that he was reporting to the appropriate people. He believed he that he was safe, and it makes me furious and sad, because I know he wasn't. If I'd known he survived, I might just have been able to save him. But I was certain that he had died when they went missing, because I knew that he would have come back, come hell or high water. He'd have come back for his girl if nothing else...he was pretty far gone on her. I still want to weep when I think of him in Hojo's hands for five whole years! In any case I found the very few survivors of Nibelheim, tracked down and interviewed master Zangan myself...He was the only one who didn't run, and didn't obfuscate about it. Shinra's cover up required secrecy, and revealing that one was a survivor of Nibelheim usually occasioned a very final visit from the Turks. I told him that I wasn't going to reveal that he was there, but it would probably be better if he forgot the whole thing after he told me. I reported to the president directly, and resigned in disgust when he refused to do anything about Hojo despite having hard evidence that he was performing unauthorized experiments on humans, and lying about it...Blasted old man was obsessed with finding the promised land, and refused to hear anything against the man he thought could find it.
Why'd they let me go? Well, to be blunt, I fairly sure Mr. Tseng had something to do with it. Even with the blocks, if he hadn't vouched for me, I think that I would have been locked in a lab somewhere right now, and we would not be having this conversation. Blocks?...You really don't know anything about how Shinra's shadier side operated, do you Mr. Zuri. I underwent a...process...that was supposed to render me unable to disclose anything in those files, even under duress, to anyone without the proper classification. Whoever sent you probably has contact with young Rufus...How'd I know...Mr. Zuri, isn't it obvious? The credentials you presented contained the key, otherwise I'd be finding it much harder to speak about many of these things to you...No, I'm not telling you what it was! In any case, as far as I know, old man Shinra, Rufus, and Tseng were the only ones who had it...I know for certain the old bugger is dead, so it would have to be Rufus or Tseng. Since I can't think of anyone else who'd be trying to rebuild Shinra company, and willing to work with the WRO to do it, it's more than likely young Rufus.
He always did seem to be a more sensible man than his father...Yes, I know...I'm half avoiding the next part...No, I remember it very well, it's just rather unpleasant. Just don't blab it about...The later part of this isn't the most flattering episode in my life...Why? Because I was stupid, and got lazy...Or maybe stress made my brains temporarily shut down, I don't think so though. I quite simply screwed up.
While he could be gentle at times, General Sephiroth could be very hard on us when it was necessary. But a punishment from him was never just about him being annoyed with you, as it all too often was with other officers...There was always a damned good reason, and a deeper lesson to learn from it. Yes, in fact I did...I stood for discipline from him more than once...I'd had worse in OT school...I'll tell you the whole thing, and you figure it out for yourself. I didn't view it as abuse, and still don't! This was probably after I'd been with him for a couple of years...and a few before they sent us to Wutai.
It was only a few days after he'd corrected that reflex under controlled conditions, and he'd decided to finally let the trainees in on it to complete the retraining. I was a bundle of frazzled nerves...mostly lack of sleep due to pure nervous anticipation. Even though the general had given me several tests of my new self control several times through the week, and it had held, I was still nervous about being held down by other men. I knew I had a long day ahead so I made a pot of battery acid..that's mess hall style, super strong, doubles-as-paint-stripper coffee, grabbed a couple of breakfast bars and a couple of mugs. "Breakfast sir?" I offered coffee and bar with what I thought was commendable calm...didn't fool him for a moment. "You'll be fine". he said eating the bar and washing it down with the coffee. He made a face "This is even worse than usual." He grimaced again at the strength.."now finish your coffee...if you can, that stuff is awful" I blushed slightly. "Awful indeed sir, but it wakes you up!" My coffee used to be the stuff of legend...powerful enough to wake the dead, and just as likely to kill you by eating the lining of your stomach! In truth, I never have quite got the knack for making the really good stuff, though now it's at least drinkable...And I have no clue as to how my stomach survived decades of the acrid stuff!...Solid forged mythril, I swear!
"That stuff nearly qualifies as a Life 3 spell major, lets get going." he replied dryly. I wolfed down the bar and downed the dregs of the coffee as I hurriedly tidied up, and we headed down to the dojo. I was as nervous as I had been in my life. "Go grab some of those pads and helmets from the equipment locker major." he ordered. "Yes sir." I said, and as I was looking for the helmets, I could hear the trainees talking in low voices with General Sephiroth "She'll be fine." I heard him say. One of the trainees said something in a fierce undertone that I couldn't understand. "Hmph! Not a bad idea. Records indicate that she took care of it, personally, several years ago, however I do think the offer would be appreciated." he said as I walked back with the pads and helmets..they'd been buried underneath a pile of armor awaiting repair instead of on the shelves where they belonged...I was going to have to have words with them for that sometime or other.
As I finished handing out the equipment, I was relieved to see the trainee I'd knocked silly none the worse for wear. He stepped forward and said "Major Kyruk ma'am?" he asked diffidently. "Yes trainee..?" I could tell he was gathering his courage for something. "We, us trainees I mean..You are like a sister to us...We don't know exactly why you reacted the way you did the other day, and we don't want to pry or anything...But we can guess some at least, and we've got just one question for you." he said tentatively as I caught my breath, and swallowed against my dry throat. "What would that be trainee?" my voice wavering a bit in spite of my attempts to keep it steady. "Which way did you want him sliced; down, across, or maybe in little bits?" he asked straight faced. I was touched..They were such a darling bunch of boys! "I am honored, and if I hadn't taken care of it some years ago..You have no idea how much the offer means to me though!" I said, my eyes starting to get all misty...Shut your mouth, mister Zuri, before you catch a bug in it!...just because they called me 'Miss Shiva' in officer training doesn't mean I don't get sentimental too. Oh, that...f'godssakes! I'm only bloody minded when the situation calls for it, and their hearts were in the right place. They were offering as brothers would do for a sister, not out of blind violence. Being a SOLDIER, or for that matter any kind of warrior, doesn't mean that violence is one's first resort, or even part of one's top ten! You'd best get that through your head RIGHT now Mr. Zuri...Because officially a SOLDIER or not, I'm just as much a warrior as the rest of them! Anyway, on with it. Do me the favor of trying not to interrrupt me, this is embarrassing enough as it is without needing to repeat myself.
"Listen up you lot!" the general said giving me time to surreptitiously wipe my eyes on my sleeve. "The exercise is the same as the other day, with one difference...The difference is you are going to use your verbal skills to reassure your target. The people you are going to be rescuing are likely to be traumatized and frightened at best, wounded, confused or outright manipulated at worst. Many of them will be women, children or people who have little idea how to defend themselves, let alone how to act in a combat situation. So men, your mission today isn't just to subdue and extract a possibly hostile target, it is to cross the length of the dojo, defending yourself and your target against your fellow trainees to deliver her safely to me. You will each do this at least twice today, once with a 'temporarily/partly incapacitated' target for practice, and once with an actively hostile target fighting you. You will use full force, all of you...that's what the padding is for. If I see ANY of you slacking off, you will stand for discipline!" I should have listened better...After all, he'd given me fair warning twice.
I went to the other end of the dojo and took my position on the floor. I'll admit my heart beat rapidly as the first trainee approached and sat on my legs, but as he slipped a pair of quickcuffs out of the front of his belt and on me all the while murmuring reassurances in my ear, I was surprised to feel absolutely not a trace of fear...I felt simply relaxed and alert. It occurs to me now to wonder if General Sephiroth had used a manipulation spell on me, because the feeling, or should I say lack thereof, continued as the trainee hauled me through the gauntlet and laid me down at his feet. "Not bad." said the General to the trainee as he uncuffed me. "But that third cut you took would have been disabling, possibly fatal in the end...Next!" this went on till all twelve trainees had had a chance, then we went on to the hostile target exercises. I have no excuse, and no one else to blame for what happened next, because after nailing the second trainee right in the particulars with a wild kick, and I eased up a bit..I didn't want to hurt them, and though they were wearing padding and protection, getting kicked there still hurt...I'll admit I got a bit lazy, and started to pull my punches...I'd forgotten my orders and what General Sephiroth had said earlier about slacking off..the General noticed after the sixth, the same trainee I'd knocked out, had dropped me off at his feet...All I really remember about that trainee is that he was kind, and had an extremely forgettable name...something so ordinary that you just can't retain it. Come to think, he was exceedingly good at blending in with the wallpaper visually. I seem to remember he got bigwig escort duty a lot, anytime they wanted a SOLDIER present, but not obvious.
"Good job trainee, everyone take five." Sephiroth said, and in a quiet aside to me as he released the cuffs once again, "Major, You do realize that I meant what I said when I said anyone slacking off would stand for discipline?" "Sir?"I said not really comprehending, then "Yes sir!...Sorry sir." I said, blanching as the realization dawned on me...Standing for discipline was a longstanding old military ritual..it meant submitting to a beating, stoically and with dignity...in other words, without screaming. Yowling out loud was viewed as shameful, small sounds were acceptable, though embarrassing. If the offense was minor, you'd get a dozen strokes with the flat of your commanding officer's sword..Painful, the flat of even a light sword leaves bruises as well as welts. For repeated offenses, they'd be administered in front of your squad or other unit...If it was major, or something totally dishonorable, you could get it with a nerve whip..Horrendous things, they send jolts of specially attuned electricity to the nervous system to cause extreme pain and a momentary paralysis. I'd have to say I'm absolutely overjoyed that they've been forever banned. No, it wasn't a surprise at all...that you could be ordered to stand for discipline, in public, or in private, was something you were made fully aware of before you even joined up. It was viewed as an acceptable practice...the "pain as a teacher" thing again.
Uh, thanks for the reminder." I said, in chagrin, kind of hoping he would forgive the offense...No dice! "I don't tolerate slackers major..five strokes should remind you to follow orders, and two additional strokes for each trainee that succeeds in capturing you to keep you motivated...and if they all succeed, I will administer them in public." the General growled quietly. He'd busted me good, and knew it, doing something that had truly pissed him off. I'd seen Sephiroth administer public discipline once before, to a foulmouthed trainee for direct insubordination...I'd always thought he was a weakling for yowling, now I know better. He was a total pissant, both before and after, by the way. I've had to stand for discipline in officer training before, so I did know what to expect. The worst was for running a pair of the commander's unders up the flagpole on a dare...That's among the top ten stupid pranks to pull in officer training I know, but gods was it funny, what with the Shinra logo printed all over the seat! Standing for the resultant discipline in front of my peers however, was painful and humiliating to say the least..the idea of facing it in front of the trainees, who were my nominal subordinates, absolutely horrified me. Needless to say, I fought tooth and nail through the next several exercises, caught my breath in the breaks as best I could, still three more of them succeeded. "Good job trainees, hit the showers. trainee, get that looked at by a medic if neccessary...If you were wearing the standard protection, I'm sure you will be able to father children in the future." Sephiroth said dryly to the trainee who'd been the proximal cause of my trouble. "Yes sir!" he squeaked in a comical high pitched falsetto, drawing a laugh from the guys, and a sheepish blush from me.
"I expect you all here at the same time tomorrow. Trainee, a word." The general said, calling over the young man that had been the center of trouble. "Yes sir?" he said as the general frowned at him. "I don't know whether to commend you or reprimand you." he said "Why sir?" He said looking perplexed. "You knew the Major was weakening, yet you didn't say anything, to me, or to her..Why?" said Sephiroth in the coolest tone imaginable. "Because I thought she was getting a bit winded sir, and I didn't see anything wrong with taking advantage of the fact..especially as I didn't want to end up singing soprano, even temporarily. So I deliberately went after her before she caught her breath...I think that she has had a difficult couple of days and is probably exhausted. I don't believe she was intentionally slacking sir." he said, trying to cover for me. I've only known one trainee who was kinder than that young man with the extremely forgettable name...and that was Zack. He was always warm and kind to people, and General Sephiroth was more distant, and often seemed cold...which made the friendship that later developed between the two even more unusual..their personalities were complete opposites, like sunshine and moonlight. He'd have been a perfect general's aide if he hadn't been absolutely rotten about doing the damned paperwork. I could have stepped aside for him but for that, if he'd wanted the job...and I'm not ashamed to admit I cried my eyes out when I read what happened to him in Hojo's notes, and the report of his death...but I digress. "Very well, I won't hold it against either of you, Dismissed!" Sephiroth said. I'm sure that the trainee thought I'd get off without a punishment because he tried to cover for me...and I never let him know any different...You tell me Mr. Zuri, what good would it have done him to know his attempt at kindness had failed, and I'll consider answering that question...It should be obvious, it would have only hurt him for something that wasn't even his fault!
As the door closed behind the kid I stood tensed and at attention, waiting. "Well, by my count that still makes eleven strokes..was what the trainee said true? Were you becoming tired?" he asked cooly with his hand gripping the junction of my shoulder and my neck, tilting my chin up so I had to meet his eyes. "Only partially sir." I admitted...It was hard to admit that to him, but it never crossed my mind to lie to him. "I was winded, but I could have fought harder...I still felt a little guilty about tossing him into that wall the other day, not to mention kicking the trainee in the errm, privates. I didn't want to hurt the others." I confessed shamefacedly, not certain he was serious about standing for discipline..he was, and I didn't need my sensitivity to determine his intent. This was going to be another painful lesson, one I had damned well better listen to. "Very well. Will you stay in position, or need I bind you? You may choose to stand or kneel." He said drawing his sword. "I will stand sir." I said taking my courage in both hands..It was a matter of pride to deny the need for binding, and I still had a trace of trepidation about restraints...Though if he had chosen to use a nerve lash, I would have begged to be bound and gagged, pride and dislike of restraints be damned!
"Assume the position" he ordered, directing me to the steel loop tie downs attached to the wall specifically for that purpose. I quickly shed my shirt. I was determined not to show any hesitation. I turned to face the wall, grasped the loops, and stood, my legs planted apart for stability, and braced myself. I spoke the ritual words, "I submit myself for discipline," thus honorably accepting my punishment. I couldn't quite keep a gasp from escaping as the first blow from the flat of his masamune fell across my unprotected back. His strength and the length of his blade put a bit more power into his discipline than the shorter standard blades and they used in officer training..Now I knew why that idiot trainee had screamed. Though, it was still nothing compared to the crippling pain of a nerve lash. The mandatory single stroke that all officer trainees were required to endure was more than enough to deter me from ever even wanting to do anything bad enough to deserve that! Though I believe the General wouldn't have needed a nerve whip to make me scream...If he'd chosen to use a fraction more force I'd have been begging him to stop long before the end. He might have done so deliberately if I hadn't been completely truthful with him...He really wouldn't tolerate a liar if he could get rid of them. I think he tended to tailor his punishments to fit the offence, and the endurance of the offender. If I had screamed or begged, he would have cut it short..He'd stopped in disgust when the trainee lost all dignity. He'd have stopped...I'd have been reassigned elsewhere within a month, and that would have been the end of it. I could have requested a moment to control myself if I felt as though I was going to lose it, without any consequences beyond my own feeling of embarrassment, but my stubborn pride just wouldn't allow it...I was determined to be as silent and dignified as possible.
"By easing up on the trainees you are not doing them any favors." the General snarled as he administered another stroke. "In fact you are endangering their lives by not making sure they are at their fittest!"...by the third blow, I had to bite my lip to keep from wimpering...now I understood why he was going so easy on me, because eleven strokes for ignoring an order like that was a slap on the wrist compared to what I would have gotten in officer training. I could have expected at least twenty for a similar stupidity there, or if I'd been assigned to any other officer...but that long blade made it equally memorable. "It undermines their training when you deceive them into believing that they are stronger than they really are." he said as he struck again. "They must be ready to face any and all situations by the time they become full fledged SOLDIERS." I sucked in a breath and held it through the stroke. "It is our responsibility to make sure these boys will survive when they get into the field, and today you failed in that responsibility!" he hissed angrily. I felt sick with the realization that what he was saying was true, and felt my legs begin to shake as he delivered another stroke, drawing a line of blood across my back. The seventh stroke brought me to my knees, my head swimming from lack of oxygen as my legs gave way.
"Do you need a breather major?" Sephiroth said with acid sarcasm..You'd have thought he'd be breathing rapidly himself, from the effort of keeping precise control of the blows he delivered...he could easily have broken every bone in my body with his strength, or cut me in half if he'd allowed his blade to go edge on. "No sir." I gasped, it came out in a squeak. I dropped the pitch of my voice as I somehow gathered the strength to push myself back to my feet. "I'm sorry sir." I apologized for failing something as basic as staying in position. "One additional stroke for being out of position. Next time remember to breathe." he said in an annoyed tone, and paused for a few seconds to allow me to catch my breath...I'd wished at the time that he would just get it over with! "You will never slack off again, will you Major?" he said as he let another stroke fall, another line of blood forming from the sharp edge of the blade as it grazed the raised edge of a welt from an earlier stroke. "No sir!" I gasped out, barely choking back a scream. "If you ever do, then I will view it as willful insubordination, and next time this will be public, with a nerve whip!"...I felt my breath catch in my throat, and the blood drain from my face. I shuddered involutarily at the idea as the next blow fell, drawing more blood.
"I see that you understand me now major...if you continue to acquit yourself as well as you have, you may have a restorative treatment in one hour." he said as I stood braced against the wall, shivering...The general made sure that the men were healthy enough to go on a mission at a moments notice, even if they made the kind of mistake that landed them standing for discipline. I was only an aide, and it wasn't necessary for me to be in shape for a mission, so it was remarkably generous. In officer training, and most other cases, we had to endure till we healed naturally. "Thank you sir, I will do my best." I said and bowed my head to hide the silent tears of pain and shame. "If you care at all for these trainees, you must learn to care enough to hurt them if necessary!" he said, and I nodded in acknowledgement as the next blow fell. 'Just three more, just three more...I will not scream, I will not weaken, I will not act in a dishonorable way again!' I chanted mentally to steady me as the next blows fell, and then it was over...he handed me my shirt, sheathed his sword and stalked off to his office. As soon as he was gone, I fell once again to my knees and remained there for a few moments, leaning my forehead against the wall, and letting some of the tears I'd been holding back just fall, and then, just breathing and thinking. In a way I felt honored that Sephiroth himself had thought highly enough of me to discipline me himself, in private. He could have simply bundled me off for a court martial, or he could have made an object lesson of me. He could still dismiss me from his service and order my reassignment elsewhere..it was in fact what I deserved. No mister Zuri, he wasn't being in any way harsh. He was treating me the same as he would any trainee or assistant trainer...in fact, with a lot more tolerance than he would have an assistant trainer...And I still say I've had worse in officer training. I hope you don't think he should have gone easier on me because I was a woman! I'd have died of shame if he had!
After I dragged myself into up the stairs and into my room, I had managed to get my bra off...Yes, of course I was wearing one!..Standing for discipline does not require indecency! I've seen swimsuits that covered considerably less than my gray army underthings. I'm fairly sure he wasn't interested in the front of me at that point anyway!
In any case, I got it off, and wrapped a robe around me backwards...I couldn't quite bring myself to put my shirt back on, I grayed out when I tried, so I was sitting cross legged on my bed, meditating to block the worst of the pain, in the only position that wasn't absolute hell when General Sephiroth knocked at the door to my room in precisely one hour with a mastered restore materia in hand. "I don't deserve it sir...I'll understand if you want someone better qualified as your aide." I protested in a small voice, bowing my head in shame as he gestured impatiently for me to turn around. "Don't be more of a fool than you've already been today. Did you really think I would dismiss you for a single error in judgement? You were wrong to think you could get away with laziness...Perhaps I have allowed you to become too familiar...You should know better than to think I wouldn't notice when you were slacking! I mean exactly what I say major. You are still here because I believe you will never repeat this error again. If you ever do, the penalties will be much more severe, because you will not be able to claim ignorance." he said irritably and applied the spell before I could even gasp. "I'm sorry to have acted in such an irresponsible manner sir...I didn't fully comprehend the seriousness of my role in the training." I said, and sagged in embarrassed relief as the spell took hold.
"I'll forgive you only if you swear not to make this necessary again." he said placing his hand on my chin, turning me to meet his eyes. "I will do my best sir..I am sorry to have disappointed you." I said with tears threatening to run down my face again. He blinked. "You surprise me major...you accepted your punishment with dignity, and with a stubborn pride, yet you seem to hold no resentment towards me. I find nothing to be disappointed about little aide, in fact you have shown more honor and courage than some of my SOLDIER recruits...Now get some rest major, you should sleep in tomorrow...consider it an order. You are clearly exhausted. I have plans for a field excursion for the trainees, one of a series to weed out the weaker ones before they begin the mako infusion process...those that would not survive it intact in any case." he said. "Sir..in a way I'm glad this happened now..I've grown a bit attached to those boys..and the idea that my carelessness could have killed them hurts worse than the stripes." I said grimly, looking him square in the eye. "Good. You are getting the point. And next time you get winded, ask for a breather. There is no shame in asking for a needed break, you are only an ordinary human." he said, patting me carefully on the shoulder. "Now sleep!" he ordered as he walked out the door.
I lay down, still slightly sore, but no longer in intolerable pain. He hadn't cast a spell of such high order that I didn't ache a bit...and thought again about what I'd been doing, about what I might have felt, if any of our trainees died because they weren't ready for a fight...Possibly deadly for more than just the trainee, and I was glad General Sephiroth had stopped me, before I'd made overconfidence a fatal bad habit for someone. 'Damn, he was right about pain as a teacher!' I thought ruefully as I shifted position and got a twinge from my back. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Just like an elder brother raising a baby sister, he'd spanked me and sent me to bed. 'I'll never disappoint him again!' I thought fiercely...'I hope'.. I realized that really I wasn't in the best emotional shape at that point. The last few days had been an extreme emotional roller coaster, one that I was glad to get off of! I just let tears of relief fall silently into my pillow, and that release finally sent me off to sleep.
That incident was my last big screw-up. It wasn't long after that Wutai started making trouble. A few years later all hell broke loose, and a couple years after that, SOLDIER training was put on hold.