Summary: (AU) Hogwarts? No, Harry never went - instead he's a porn star living in the treacherous underground world of orgies and carnage. Meanwhile, the Order's search resumes unfounded ... but not for long.
Disclaimer: Yeah, right. Don't own it.
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Once We Were Warriors
Chapter Two: Magical Wands
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Albus, in a rare act of greatest intellect, swooped his wand from his pocket and blasted a stunner straight at Harvey.
"Albus!" Minerva cried angrily, abandoning the Headmaster - who had previously been leaning on her to support his rather enormous weight, to run as quickly as her arthritis enabled her over to Harvey. "What in Merlin's name possessed you to do that?"
"We weren't making any ground," Albus grunted, groping at his leg as he struggled to remain standing.
Minerva glared at him and grabbed Harvey's arm, pushing the portkey into the boy's palm, then - in the blink of an eye - the car park was empty again, as two loud cracks snapped through the strenuous air.
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"First things first," Albus told Minerva in the infirmary, "I'd like to be absolutely positive this is the Harry Potter we're after."
Minerva pursed her lips. "Of course this is our Harry!"
Albus sighed, but he wouldn't abandon all hope just yet - "Yes, Minerva dear, but it would be prudent to not factually confirm such a celebrated identity to the best of our capabilities. We must cross the I's and dot the T's, lest not mistakes be made and no persons ill wronged."
Minerva frowned, "Isn't it - "
"Oh, whatever," Albus snapped.
Madam Pomfrey, hearing the tirade, bore down on the Headmaster with a large vial of her strongest sleeping drought. "Be a good boy and drink this right up," she cooed, like she would have to a first year. "Your leg will mend just fine now, Albus, never you mind."
Albus opened his large gob and swallowed the horrible potion in a gargling gulp.
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"Ah, Mr Potter!" a small voice rose up through the comfortable quiet, greeting him pleasantly. "You're back in the land of the living at last!"
Harvey opened his eyes wearily, looking up – and couldn't help but shriek like a little girl.
"What the bloody hell are you?" he cried, pulling the covers of the bed up high against his chest.
The - thing - only smiled, encouragingly. "Don't be afraid, my boy," it chuckled. "You're in the infirmary - had a bit of a fall, I hear! Madam Pomfrey said you'd be awake soon, and Minerva didn't want to leave you on your own."
"You mean to say," Harvey glared, "that you've been watching me sleep?"
The 'thing' nodded merrily, bobbing its blurry head in front of Harvey's bed. "Yes, yes, that's quite right. Let me introduce myself, Harry - I'm Professor Flitwick, I'll be your charms Professor during your time here at Hogwarts!"
"I've got enough charm already," Harvey said hastily. "I don't need any wack Professor!"
"Are you up to NEWT level, Mr Potter?" Flitwick asked him eagerly.
"You have standards?" Harvey said blandly, his voice more than a little doubtful. "Then I pass them in bounds."
"Oh, how wonderful!" Flitwick cheered.
"Yeah," Harvey agreed, closing his eyes again. "Wonderful."
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"Potter?"
Harvey was dimly aware of someone poking him in his swollen stomach.
"Potter?" the grating voice insistently asked again.
"Potter? Potter! POTTER."
"What?" Harvey grumbled, turning away and clamping a hand over his streaming eyes.
The person poked him again, harder.
"What the fuck to you fucking want?" Harvey spat, finally opening his poor bleary sight up to the ugliest, most horrendously repulsive man he'd ever laid blind eyes on. Harvey knew the terrible image would stay with him for the rest of his life, haunting his dreams and chiding his sins.
"Potter, wake up," the man said snottily. "I need your blood."
In an instant Harvey was awake, wide eyed and terrified. "Get away!" he cried. "Get away, get away!"
The man only sneered, and Harvey thought drearily - his blindness in consideration - he might have been clutching a double-edged axe. When it came to survival, Harvey had always done well for himself. Looking about for a weapon, or something he could throw at the assailant, Harvey grabbed an object from his night-stand and hurtled it as hard as he could where he thought the man was looming above him.
A crash rang out to his left (or maybe it was his right?) and Harvey was quite sure he thought he heard the now familiar sound of Albus yelping in pain.
"Some ugly bat is trying to kill me!" Harvey screamed desperately, but no one seemed to hear, for no one came to his rescue.
"Stop it, you useless brat!" the horribly ugly man yelled.
"Away with you, fiend!" Harvey yelled back. "Go prey on someone in your own league, the world could do with less frightful hideousness!"
The man took a deep breath and seemed to start again, speaking to Harvey as if he were an imbecile. The mistake was easy to make, he thought. "I'm Professor Snape," the over-grown bat began slowly. "I'm here to get a blood sample from you, Mr Potter, so that we might determine if you are whom we all very much hope you're not."
Harvey waved a hand in dismissal. "I'll save you the bother, then - I'm not Harry Potter, I'm Harvey Headbanger."
Snape twisted his ugly mouth, making himself even uglier. "I do believe, however much it goads me, that you are in fact the idiot Potter's even more idiotic offspring, and we will conduct the hereditary test - with your say or not."
Harvey pouted. "You can't do that, I have rights!"
Severus rolled his eyes. "It's relatively painless."
"Relatively?" Harvey repeated, crossing his arms against his chest. "What does that mean!"
Snape shrugged his shoulders vaguely and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like hypochondriac. "We can give you a drought for the pain, if you must insist. Or put you in a magically induced coma."
"Magic's not real!" Harvey laughed, snorting at the man's seriously dour look.
"Actually," Snape chided in his most insufferable tone, "It is."
"Oh, really?" Harvey sniggered, disbelieving. "Prove it then, why don't you!"
Sneering most unpleasantly Snape grasped onto his wand, bringing it out from a pocket of his long black dress, and waggled it before Harvey's nose. "This, Mr Potter, is my wand."
Harvey snapped his eyes shut in horror - never, never did he want to see Snape's wand! And then it all started to fall neatly into place, the last horrendous pieces of the damnable puzzle Albus had brought him to landing jauntily into abstract reason. Hogwarts, similarly alike his previous home before it, was just another brothel. Perhaps one with bizarre role-playing tendencies, but just another brothel academy nonetheless.
Harvey pretended to be very impressed. "Your wand? Oh, your wand! Your wonderful magical wand! I have a wand too, and I know how to use it. Would you like to see?" he asked, leering at the 'Professor'.
Snape raised an eyebrow. "You don't have a wand."
"Oh, yes I do!" Harvey told him jubilantly, wondering what exactly Snape could have possibly meant by his last remark. "And mine's much longer than yours, and at least thirteen times thicker."
"Such a wand would be ridiculous, Potter. You're obviously lying," Severus spat. "Do you still want to see me work some magic, then? Do you still doubt it?"
"I work great magic with my wand as well," Harvey told him, interrupting, repulsed at the thought of Severus in sexual activity and trying hard to mask his giggles. "Much better magic than you could ever dream to manage, I bet."
Snape's lip curled. "How much?"
Harvey sat up straighter, rolling his shoulders. He was never one to miss an opportunity like this. "Nine hundred million ba-zillion squillion trillion pounds."
"You're on!" Snape laughed nastily, swinging his greasy hair away from his ugly face. Potter was meant to be rich - he could afford it!
"And what on?" Harvey asked. Following Snape's bland confusion, he added, "On whom shall we unleash such vast magical talent?"
Snape's beady eyes scoured for any persons in the near vicinity. Harvey would have helped, but for his blindness. There were only two options, though - Albus, lying in the bed next to Harvey's, or Madam Pomfrey.
The Headmaster, being temporarily unconscious, was the better option, Severus concluded quickly.
"Albus," Snape told Harvey.
"I was afraid you'd say that," Harvey seethed, "and I refuse! Choose another, anyone else!"
"We could use an inanimate object, if you'd prefer - "
"No!" Harvey rolled his eyes. "That is so last year."
"Albus would be the easiest, though - "
"And 'easy' isn't always better, is it now!" Harvey cried. "Let that be a lesson to you, Professor!"
"Madam Pomfrey it is, then," Snape said finally, pointing out the Healer.
Harvey cracked his knuckles and worked the kinks from his neck. "Whose first up?" he asked, not at all liking the prospect of doing anything with the woman after Snape. "Shall we flip for it?"
Snape raised a thick greasy eyebrow. "Together on three."
"Together?" Harvey gagged.
"One," Snape began, as Harvey quickly threw back his sheets to discover his sexier clothes had been removed, and he now wore a fluffy pair of striped pajamas. He wondered who had taken off his clothes for him, and prayed it hadn't been the creepy little Flitwick.
"Two - "
Snape was standing and Harvey was up on unsteady feet. Snape had raised a stick high into the air, for reasons Harvey simply could not fathom, as he was already leaving, cheating -
"Three!"
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A/N: Yo. Hope this is retaining your interests :D It is the single most absurd thing I've ever written, but it's so easy to do, for some strange reason. As for slash - well. I don't like it, no, but any pairings for this would be widely diverse and frequently changing. Thanks as always for reading!
xxoo