We Are (Not) Cursed

by BardInTheForest

(Pax Ikari vol III) When Shinji Ikari rides the train from Nagano to Tokyo-3, he is made the epicenter of a reality altering event. With the reality he had occupied now changed forever, he must conceive of a future that will accomodate diametrically opposed ethos. A man who has never known love is now responsible for the fate of the very humans he's been kept from, for good or ill.

53. Chapter 53

+++++ Amaravati.

Shinji's eyes slowly fluttered open. His transition from The Silent World to where he currently lay in a well-cultivated garden had been best described as a 'ballistic descent'. He couldn't remember much of the journey, and only vaguely remembered dropping through what should have been solid ground after his 'brother' told him to go home. Trying to move only resulted in his head hurting more, and so he let it fall back down onto the soft earth below.

Scents played about his nose, giving him something to focus on other than pain for the moment. Roses. Magnolias. Jasmines. The first three were easier to identify, and the combination was heady. Hibiscus? Yeah…I think I'm actually laying on one. That caused a groan. Of course, I manage to crush one of the rare hibiscuses that has a scent. Go me.

The ability to focus his eyes gradually returned, allowing him to see above him in greater detail. A broad, multi-trunk tree dominated his field of vision, the grey-brown bark decorated with soft green lichen, the lengthy canopy of branches coated in lush emerald leaves and dotted with soft pink blossoms. An aura of inviolability delicately wafted forth, mixed with a hint of reassurance that Shinji himself would not be harmed further while he was recovering under its boughs.

Testing his voice, more to see how bad he sounded than out of any belief that the tree would respond, Shinji apologized, "I'm sorry for crushing your flowers, Tree-san. My 'brother' made my decision for me, and I don't know how to fly. Once I can move…I'll try to save it if I can."

Floating into view, at an odd angle to his position on the ground, a breathtaking woman greeted him with a cautious smile, "नमस्कार, प्रिय पति."

Shinji blinked a couple of times, trying to realign his vision and make any form of sense out of what he'd just been told. "I…for once I have no clue what language that is."

"That is fine," his apparent hostess said with a wider smile. "I speak your language too."

"That's good…I'm sorry I don't speak yours."

"You are a guest, it is not needed for you to bend over backwards for me." Spinning backwards in mid-air, she demonstrated more of her figure and capacity. "It is my honor and joy to bend over backwards for you, instead."

It was a day for odd visits to odd locations, it seemed. Weakly lifting up one arm as best he could, he asked, "Could you maybe instead help me stand up? There are limited uses for bending backwards, I've found."

"There are some fun uses, though," she laughed pleasantly, taking his hand and easing him into a seated position. "Perhaps we start instead with sitting up. While कल्पवृक्ष does not hold it against you that you have landed upon some flowers, it does bother you. Once you are steady, we will try for your feet."

Ready for a language that was foreign to him, Shinji attempted the word, "Kawlpricks?"

Now included in her smile was her light pink tongue caught between her perfect front teeth. "Not quite, but a good attempt." Keeping his hand, she waited for his head to stop wobbling. "कल्पवृक्ष is one part of the greater tree upon which all worlds were built. Many trunks grow up from the ground, all sprouting from the main core. When you travel upon my pathways, from world to world, you walk within the intertwined roots."

His head stopped throbbing as badly. "I'm…sorry, I didn't introduce myself. I'm-"

"प्रिय पति," she finished for him. "I am acquainted with you, do not fear. "You may call me Menaka."

"Ok…." He still couldn't get his tongue to work with the odd language. "Where am I?"

"Amaravati." Turning slightly and gesturing around the garden, she carried an air of pride and pleasure. "My home."

The name of his current location landed in his ears with a thud. "I'm…I'm in Amara-san?"

Her laughter was directed at the misunderstanding and offered to include him in the joke that it had caused instead of belittling him for not knowing. "No, no. Amaravati is my home; she is the host of what was once a great power within the worlds." Her smile dimmed a little at an old memory. "With time, she might once again match that grandeur."

"She's beautiful now, I can't imagine how she could become even grander." The compliment was natural from him now, his time with the women he'd come to live with showing him that compliments led to smiles, which led to people being happy. He wasn't ready for the response it prompted.

A brilliant flare of blue light surrounded Menaka, and without warning she pressed her lips tightly against his. After giving the kiss due attention, she backed off and profusely thanked him with words as well, "You are kind, and thoughtful, and wonderful. A million blessings have showered me that I have been joined with you, a million-million blessings!"

In many other situations, calmer situations where lives weren't at risk and he could get his feet under himself both metaphorically and literally, Shinji's initial reaction might not have been so quick to go from bemused worry to outright angry fear. In his mind there was no denying that Menaka was among the most beautiful women he'd ever seen: her light-olive complexion, her immaculately kept black hair, the way the makeup and ornamentation she wore seemed both natural and artful, even her breath smelled perfect. These were not other situations though, and he was quick to withdraw his hand from hers. "I need to get back home." I have too many fucking women in my life.

The light that had surrounded her guttered and died. "I…do not disagree that you have been given too many burdens, प्रिय पति. We are joined, though. I cannot withdraw my pact, not without dear Yuka's agreement."

"I could be convinced to help," a new voice spoke from several paces away. Shinji recognized the voice quickly as belonging to the woman that had just assaulted the Silent World, calmly meeting his gaze with a soft smile of amusement. "Wouldn't even have to kill any of them to set you free."

Shinji's deck of cards had not shown up. His dagger remained within his soul. Whatever this woman was, she was either suppressing his abilities…or she wasn't a threat to him. Regaining his footing, he eyed the new woman warily. "Who…are you?"

"Ah, of course. I do forget my manners when something intrigues me so." Spreading her hands out to her sides, she ever so slightly bobbed into a curtsey. "I am Asura, Queen of the Infinite Darkness."

Meeting formality with formality, Shinji bowed with as much respect as he himself had been given. "I'm-"

"प्रिय पति," Menaka interrupted him, placing one hand on his sternum and the other upon his spine, "she does not have benevolent designs for-"

Asura waved dismissively, silencing Menaka and sending her flying backwards into a nearby structure. "I do grow tired of others deigning to speak for me, as if I have no tongue of my own to use as I will." The doors sealed Menaka in. "Benevolence is something of a matter of perspective, wouldn't you agree?" She took several slow steps towards him, encouraging him with one hand to join her for a walk. "Please, accompany me. We have much to discuss, and I am eager to hear your perspective, untainted by the thoughts of those who have their own designs upon you and your time."

Drawing in a deep breath, Shinji forced his deck of cards to make an appearance. Shuffling them briskly, he fanned out all seventy-two cards before Asura. "Pick one."

Her lips curled up slightly in amusement. Reaching out without looking, she lingeringly withdrew a card and held the back of it to him. "It is intriguing that you have been gifted such a powerful ally."

Discovering that he no longer needed to touch the card to sense what it had to say was something he felt would require thought later. Suddenly understanding what the cards wanted him to know about Asura required all of his attention now. "…What are you?"

"Enchanted to meet you." She replaced the card, tapping it into place and patting the deck kindly. "At least, the you that stands before me. With so many 'you' around, I hadn't thought it likely that I would meet you." Flicking one of her fingers towards the deck, she once more asserted an air of authority, "Please do put those away and join me for a tour of these beautiful gardens."

For most of his life, Shinji had felt insignificant. Standing where he was, having gained the attention of who he had, the term 'insignificant' seemed so hollow. He was a flea in the path of a supernova. That the supernova was somehow happy meant that he stood a chance of surviving, if he played his cards right. Pocketing the deck, he turned to face the direction she'd chosen and offered her his elbow. Meroko enjoyed leaning on his arm when they walked together, it was a decent gamble that Asura might too.

"Oh, how lovely," she purred, lacing her arm through his and setting out at a stately pace. After they were on one of the uncountable interwoven pathways, she glowed with contentment and joy. "I admit, to my shame, that I did not believe we would have an opportunity to speak peaceably with one another. After Chaos sent you here, away from combat, I had expected you would be sent directly to the world that spawned you."

"I'm afraid I'm not all that interesting," he demurred.

"To you? Perhaps. To others that only see what you show them? Assuredly. To me?" She paused for thought, humming an aimless tune. "You are a library I never knew existed. More books than stars in all the multiverse, condensed down into a single, portable, man. You are wasted, as you are."

"How do you figure?"

"Because no one is reading you, to continue the metaphor." She glanced over at him significantly. "Surrounded by people too interested in the spine to crack the cover open."

"I'm not sure I'd survive someone cracking me open."

Silvery peals of laughter shimmered forth. "Oh, I believe you are far more durable than you give yourself credit for. And besides," she stroked his forearm warmly, "I would prefer to 'read' you by enjoying long walks and amusing conversation."

Shinji took a chance. "Which is why you want to…remove my connection to the others."

"Do you enjoy someone reading over your shoulder?" Her question was posed with a slight shrug.

"I was never given the choice."

"And now, you have been."

He was entering dangerous waters. "It sounds…based on your word choice, I mean…that I'd be abandoning them to their fate."

She brought him to a stop next to a bench, tugging him down to sit with her. "Would you be happier if I made their world safe? What you saw before was a single ship. If that would be your price, I would dedicate hundreds of such ships to ensuring that their world and those still upon it were left unmolested by any."

"Would your 'patron' approve?"

"They have largely granted me the freedom to do what I feel is necessary to achieve their goals." She touched his unruly hair, seeming to consider it as more important than the approval of her patron. "What they desire is not something so imminent as to be worth the impatience you would describe. You either require a haircut, or to let your hair grow out."

"I've always kept it short." He forced himself to allow her to continue shifting his hair around. "Why…uhm, why attack The Silent One?"

"Because he has what he should not." With his hair now where she thought it best, she made a combing motion across the top of his head and the excess hair was gone. "There. You look much more presentable now."

"Not nearly presentable enough, compared to you." Flattery couldn't hurt, and it would give him a chance to figure out what to do.

She scoffed, a mere hint of disapproval that was aimed at reality instead of him. "Even a crippled beggar may look presentable, given the proper attention and attitude. I do not judge worth by external charms, but instead by depth of character. Here you sit, delaying me in hopes that one of your compatriots will come save you, and yet you do not quake in fear. Your poise speaks of your determination to not fail those who cower behind you. You carry nobility with you, and I do not see you bending your knee to anyone willingly."

Despite attempting to do otherwise, Shinji's jaw clenched with a burst of anger. "I am not 'noble'. I've spent all of my life bending my knee, but I'm not going to continue to do it when I'll just end up getting other people killed."

"A common man would hardly be given access to such a mighty weapon," she countered, not rising to his sudden heat. "They certainly would not be tasked with the salvation of their species. If you are not common, then you must be uncommon. It is the due of uncommon men to be tasked with the burdens and trappings of nobility." Setting the index and middle finger of her right hand against his left temple, she held his gaze without pressure or force. "So muddled…so disorderly. Here, let me give you a gift."

For a brief, glorious, moment there was a time before Shinji knew what pain meant in its purest sense. A span of existence both far too short and unbearably long that his mind was content to believe that it was a singular, if commonplace, experience. The sudden and intense realization that he was far, far more allowed all of the other matters he'd compartmentalized away to present themselves for resolution. The broadening of his scope of thinking, instant and undeniable, accompanied the obliteration of the ignorance he'd been kept in by 'human' limitations. He now knew things humans should never be burdened with, and he would never be ignorant of reality again.

+++++ The Silent World

The Wanderer stepped between his world and his brother's as easily as someone walking through an open door. The aftermath of a pitched battle between powerful armies left an array of foul odors in the air, partly caused by the liquids that squelched around his feet. Any possible mental benefit he might have gained from making love to his favorite Irishwoman was now lost after exposure to the casualty numbers. "I seem to remember someone insisting I contact them in the event they're needed."

"I seem to remember being told to take a vacation, you can't always get what you want it seems." The Silent One's voice sounded through his helmet's speakers. "Thirteen percent. This was messy."

"Could have been better, but that's always true." Looking at the table his brother was looming over, he saw what seemed to be a well-designed battle plan that had been executed to keep the invaders from succeeding. "We're going to need to trace their path here…don't want to leave this kind of power wandering around."

"So I can cancel my vacation plans?"

"No," The Wanderer eyed him askance, "you can't. You're not the only person capable of long-range recon, and the transplanted citizens need-" His balance failed him, forcing him to lean heavily against the table. "…What…is…."

The Silent One's armor kept him upright, but only barely. "Ok, not just me?"

He breathed heavily, struggling to overcome the nausea and light-headedness that had struck from nowhere. "No. It's like my head…."

"Your Majesty?" Naru Narusegawa rushed over, having been nearby when the pair of brothers faltered. "Babe? Are you two ok?"

"Feel like our heads are being floated off our bodies," The Silent One responded, placing one gauntleted hand on her shoulder for balance. "Like we're on the sled, being launched up to combat. Competing sensations, causing dizziness and nausea."

"O-ok…uhm, let's sit down." Taken aback at the unexpected human weakness from two gods, and afraid she might not be able to assist them, she quickly shoved her husband into a chair then dashed over to get one for her brother-in-law. "Is it another attack? Do I-"

With a slow shake of his head, The Wanderer held her at their side. "No. It's not 'us' being attacked, it's…."

"Him," The Silent One growled. "I sent him to Amaravati, needed to get him out of danger before he died stupidly." With a snort, he added, "Now I know how Misato felt trying to stop us from getting in trouble."

"Try 'feels'," The Wanderer's violet-haired wife responded with a huff. Appearing through a nearby portal with Ritsuko and Sahaquiel in tow, she patted Naru's hip and tipped her head towards the other woman's husband. "Now you're going to talk to Rits, or disappoint Saha-chan. Make your choice."

It was The Wanderer's turn to growl with a hint of anger, "Dear, do not weaponize our children."

"Saha-chan is here to keep us safe," Ritsuko assured him as she set mobile scanning pads on his head and chest. "Whatever just happened, it was enough to cause most of the household to suddenly become dizzy and anxious."

+++++ Amaravati.

Shinji sat, unmoving, staring at a point of nothingness on the other side of the garden. His 'gift', to borrow Asura's phrase, was to see how…meaningless it all was. The ultimate conclusion, everything, its end was inevitable. As much as he wanted to deny it, he couldn't. "What," his voice was a croak, his throat tense and dry, "is…."

"She does not have a name. She simply is." With tender kindness, she used her thumb to sweep away the tears he'd shed. Gently turning his head towards her, she smiled in care and understanding. "Becoming aware of just how little Reality matters is quite stressful, I agree. I am sorry that you must be hurt to learn what has been kept from you, and hope dearly that you are still willing to come with me and learn…more."

He would be abandoning them. He would be the one walking away, as they cried. They would never understand. They could never understand. He could hardly begin to grasp everything, and he was well beyond mortality and humanity now. "What do you want from me?"

"A friend," she replied simply.

That answer didn't make any sense. "Why me? I'm not 'royal', I'm not mature, I'm…."

"We are all nothing compared to her, yes." Her head tilted slightly to the side. "But you offer me the same thing I am offering you: a chance to become more than we are. Our potential is improved, with one another."

Potential. He shifted how he was sitting, looking her over more fully. Befitting royalty, her clothes, skin, and hair were all immaculate. Her poise, despite how casually she was sitting, put Mitsuru to shame. There was an energy, a life about her that was at once both accepting of her place in the multiverse and aware of the future of everything. She spoke of friendship, nothing more…complicated. "It…would seem to be very easy to be your friend."

Her eyes lit up, an almost childlike giddiness kept under an iron fist. "It does seem that it would be very easy to be your friend as well."

"Do friends typically push each other away from their support systems?" Hikaru appeared, floating in a seated position nearby. "Do they fill their friend's head with a singular vision crafted by one of many would-be multiverse-ending threats? Do they encourage despair instead of growth?" Wagging her index finger side to side, she stopped Asura before the woman retorted. "You're strong, but I'm connected to the man you just gave a broader perspective to. One snippity-snap of my fingers, and we get to test your 'patron's' hypothesis. Is it worth it?"

Smoothing down her dress, Asura stood up to her full height and looked ever-so-slightly down her nose at her antagonizer. "Your 'connection', which is hardly worth calling as much, is predicated on a series of lies. They do not know the first matter of love, they do not possess the most meager requirement to aid him in reaching his true potential. He does not love them anymore, and if you doubt my words you need only look into his heart to see the truth."

"Love isn't some binary condition, lady." Standing from her seated position, she remained floating in mid-air to match Asura's height with her own much shorter stature. "It comes and goes, shrinks and grows, and always only because of who feeds and waters the garden it's growing in." Shoving a thumb between her breasts, she smirked with a sense of triumph. "Why don't you look into my heart, then? See how much I love him for what he is, and what he can become with love and support."

Shinji looked towards Hikaru, his head feeling light again. "The end of everything is…unity is inevitable…."

"Only if we fail," she countered with a confident smirk. "There's always another way, if you put your shoulder into it."

"There is no other truth," Asura declared. "All will be one in her, or it will not be at all."

Hikaru kept her eyes on Shinji, gaining confidence that he was absorbing at least some of her presence. "Not everything is all orderly, my guy. Think about your brother, he's a walking chaos machine! Think about The Wanderer, how he maintains law without enforcing order! You can bring more to the table than simply serving as a springboard for uniformity throughout all Creation."

Was there? He looked over to Asura, remembering what she'd shown him. A convergence of all known matter into a single, unified, consciousness. The last few individual particles inexorably taking their place in Her perfection. After all had become one, there would be no more suffering. No more strife. No more…loneliness. All would know their place in Creation, no one would need to feel…. "I'm tired," he uttered, turning back to Hikaru. "I can't keep up with expectations, with correcting misunderstandings, with trying to convince myself that I should spread myself so thin just to keep everyone happy. Why shouldn't I let Asura fix everything? Why shouldn't I accept her offer, let her protect them while I…just exist as her friend until She wins?"

She'd hate herself for this in the morning. "Because then Ulala, Eriko, Sumire, and all the rest will truly have died for nothing. Are you really that kind of man?"

His mouth twitched into a scowl, his eyes dropping to the floor. "I don't know what I am."

"You would learn, at my side," Asura urged him. "We will have all the time in the universe to find the answers, together."

"Or you could learn on your own terms, without bargains or bribes," Hikaru countered. "I'll make sure you have the time you need, and I won't ask a damn thing in return. Come home, give it some thought. Don't throw everything away in a moment of ennui."

He wouldn't meet their eyes, he wouldn't be pressured to choose by another attractive woman that didn't have to live his life. "What would I tell them? Why would they want to listen to me when they find out that…."

"Not your problem," she assured him. "Come home, let me handle them. I'll guarantee you're left alone for anything short of an enormous monster that needs you to stomp it flat, if that's what you want. No pressure, no demands, just…life on your terms while you get your feet back under you."

"But you don't want to be alone." Asura reached over and lifted his chin with one fingertip. "Come with me. Be with me. I offer you friendship, I offer you support, and I offer you confidence in what the future holds. She knows what is best for us all, you have seen it. Service in her name is-"

Shinji's face went flat. "I'm giving you to a count of three."

Under her breath, Hikaru sighed out with relief, "Pushed the Meroko button. Bad idea."

"One," he ground out, gently removing Asura's hand from his face.

With confusion writ plain across her features, Asura tried to explain, "You know that-"

"Two." His cards snapped into place above his shoulder, their orbit menacing.

"I will find you, later. When your temper has calmed." Without further commentary, she vanished.

Hikaru waited for a time, allowing him to process the anger she felt raging beneath his mask of stony calm. She wasn't about to make the mistake that had scuttled their enemy's chance at overwhelming him. Mentally tabulating necessary actions, she settled her feet onto the ground, clasping her hands behind her back and rocking between her toes and heels. She'd have to get everyone to work together, convince Shizuko and Motsuki to stay quiet in his soul, and put herself between her old friend and her new hope. It was a lot, but-

"Menaka-san is stuck in that house," Shinji interrupted her stream of consciousness with a quiet gesture towards the entity's prison. "Can you see if you can get her out?"

"Sure can," Hikaru snapped her fingers, flinging the doors to the house open.

"Good…." He glanced over, seeing the caretaker of Amaravati cautiously exiting the home. "I want to go to a room away from everyone," he paused, "and I'd really like to speak with Maya-san."

+++++ Silent World.

After dropping Shinji off where he couldn't be bothered, Hikaru dropped by to offer explanations and warnings to the appropriate parties. Once she was done explaining the basics, she paused for questions. "Best I was able to read from her, she serves some sociopathic bitch that's in a rarified weight class."

The Wanderer was not terribly happy with the developments the day had brought. "She doesn't have a name?"

"Nope."

"How strong are we talking," The Silent One asked curiously. "I'd have to take the battle somewhere else, but I would have stomped this 'Asura' lady flat. Don't normally find weaklings serving powerhouses close enough to speak for them."

Hikaru shrugged. "Not sure. Strong enough that this bitch wasn't concerned about him being a threat to Her. I'm thinking maybe she's stronger in her home dimension, and hasn't yet adjusted to the rules found in sub-dimensions, super-dimensions, or curated dimensions."

"We still haven't found Reality," The Wanderer mused, "and we've already found someone who thinks they don't matter. A boast, overconfidence?"

"Not really a concern either way." Massaging his temples, The Silent One shrugged one shoulder. "We need to find either of them, gather enough intelligence to know what we're getting into, and then we get to worry about whether or not we're in over our heads."

+++++ Tokyo-3. (Wednesday, September 8th, +18, Waxing Crescent 1/4)

Shinji sat alone, looking at but not really seeing the door into his temporary shelter. Had he made the right choice? Was it even really a choice? Asura seemed genuinely interested in friendship, in helping him find…peace. Was it peace, though? Would those poor women tied to him still be able to accept that what he'd believed to be love was instead the immaturity of youth? Would they forgive him? A soft knock at the door drew him out of his spiral. Standing up slowly, he approached and opened the front door.

Maya Ibuki carried with her several bags, a look of determined faith, and the exact thing he needed most at that specific moment: hope. "Sorry I'm a bit late, but I had to stop at a few places." She entered without any sense of formality, pressing heavily into the impression she wanted to leave him with that he could call her anytime, anywhere. Speaking as if she was returning from a busy day at work to a man she shared everything with, she began to unburden herself of her baggage both metaphorical and literal, "So I was up all last night working on a problem dropped on me by Sensei at the last minute. I don't remember falling asleep, but," she looked at him with a happy grin, "I do remember waking up with senpai offering me a mug of coffee just the way I like it."

Her calm filled his heart. Her energy gave him peace. He watched her start to pull things out of the bags, too caught up in her story to do more than just watch her.

"She doesn't use as much water as others would, but she includes this syrupy stuff that tastes just like mint-chocolate. It's just liquid enough to drink, and doubles as breakfast!" Setting down some meal ingredients, she looked over to the kitchenette to assess what they had to work with. "Anyway, I was at work this morning working on that same project again when I got the call that you needed me. Well, I say 'call'," she sashayed over to the cupboards and fished through them for something, "it was more of a sudden appearance in the lab. Big unicorn-looking creature, sent by The Grovemother. She told me that you needed me, and before I could blink senpai had shoved me up atop the unicorn."

From an unbiased perspective, Maya was not in possession of even a tenth of the physical beauty that Asura possessed. She wasn't as educated, or capable, or in possession of armies. She couldn't guarantee him a life of learning, an awareness of his end, or expectations of what the near-term future would bring. Yet, standing where he was, watching her act as if nothing had changed, Shinji began to wonder at how much he would pay to have her in his life like this…every day, for the rest of time.

"I asked Unicorn-san to stop at a few stores, and back at my place, and they weren't upset with helping me at all. It was like a sentient taxicab. Oh," she looked over her shoulder, "she asked me to tell you that she hopes the pain and confusion stops for you soon. She's very hurt by how badly life has been treating you." Without waiting for a reply she hauled out a saucepan and a pot, holding them up for him to see. "I was thinking we could cook something to eat for lunch, while we talk?"

Shinji crossed the distance between them spontaneously, moving at the awkward pace between a jog and a walk. Wrapping his arms around her, he lifted her up onto the counter so that he wouldn't have to stoop down and just held her close to his body. With his face in her hair, his eyes closed, and his hands clutching her, he felt his heartbeat begin to calm. "I…I'm sorry." Breath and body shuddering, he sought the strength to admit something painful, "I n-need…." Fire boiled in his gut, acid rolled through his veins. "…I'm lost. I don't know what I should do, I don't know how to say what I'm feeling…." In a terribly quiet voice, he breathed out, "Help."

There was no other place she'd rather be at that moment in time, and Maya returned his hug. "How do you want me to help you?" She hoped to keep him verbalizing, needed him to process the traumas that clung to his mind. "I can't speak for you, I can't tell you what you should do…but I can listen, and I can offer advice."

"N-no." Hearing her tell him that she would help brought his anxiety back from the cliff enough to try and explain. "No." Without moving from where he was, he tried to find the right first words to say. "I…I don't…." He hesitated, then changed course quickly to clarify what he thought was the most important point, "I…I know things. Things I shouldn't. Things…things that hurt to know."

"Ok. There are a lot of things that hurt to know, I agree. I hurt knowing you're not doing well, for instance." His arms tightening around her told her that she'd said the right thing. "Can you expound, just a bit?"

"I don't want you to leave me."

"Unless we have to go fight an Angel, I'm staying right here," she soothed. "The Commander and Sub-Commander contacted me on my way here, and I have been cleared to do what I have to in order to help you." A little 'good news' couldn't hurt. "I even got a promotion! You are now hugging Captain Maya Ibuki."

There was a brief moment of joy in his heart at hearing her good fortune. "Congratulations, you deserve it." Standing free of her, he left his hands on her sides. "You realize they've just given you a bunch more work to do, right?"

Her grin was playful. "I don't mind. The extra money will come in handy to pay for my crippling sweet tooth."

"Maybe…maybe while we talk, I could make us dessert too?"

Unknowingly running her thumbs under his eyes just as Asura did, she responded with warmth and affection, "I think that'd be awesome. Let's help each other. You improve my cooking, I'll do what I can for what's hurting you."

"…There is nothing I want more." Hefting her off the counter, he held her in his arms, her feet dangling in the air. After a span of heartbeats, he set her down and moved to 'take over' in the kitchen. "I met someone…just recently. She…uhm…she offered me something that I…uhm…wanted. Something I didn't know how much I wanted until it was offered to me."

"Ok," Maya went back to the table and grabbed the last of the shopping she'd done, "what do you want?"

The haste and urgency he responded with caused him to fumble the package of tofu he'd been inspecting, "I-I don't!"

Confused inwardly, she kept her outward demeanor unflustered. "Was it something compelling, then? Something you want…but don't think you should have?"

She was calm, so he was calm. "Uh…y-yeah…kind of." He kept his eyes on her as she walked back with everything else in her arms. Saw that she wasn't moving to the door, wasn't eyeing him askance, wasn't acting as if she thought less of him. "It's…it's not what they deserve."

"They?"

"The people bound to me," he muttered, moving on with meal preparations.

"Ok, then you're stopping yourself from taking what they're offering because you don't want to hurt them?" He nodded, two quick ducks of his head. Maya waited a bit, hoping he'd continue on unprompted. After a reasonable amount of time, she asked, "What was the offer?"

Smooth slicing motions, focus on presentation as well as taste. "I…don't want you to leave."

"I'm going to have to be dragged away." She hugged his side, laying her head against his arm and rubbing his back. "Contemplating something and actually doing it are two different things. I'm not here to judge you," she caught him looking at her out of the corner of his eye, fear growing, "I'm here to help you."

The subtle scent of oil warming in the pan mixed with the unsubtle warmth of her at his side. If she had made him the offer Asura had, he doubted he would have been able to hesitate. He couldn't admit to it, not yet. "In another universe, spreading outward slowly…is a…." He frowned, defining the undefinable remained a stumbling block. "She…she is. She…." Moving food into the pan, he used the change in motions as an impetus to change his approach, "She is power. She is control. She…is beautiful in the way watching a star die is beautiful. The way a hurricane viewed from space is beautiful." He blew out a harsh breath. "She's inevitable."

"And…she offered you something?"

"No," his response was much calmer than before. "She doesn't offer. She doesn't negotiate. She says what is going to happen, and it happens or you do not get to exist anymore." His lip quirked in thought. "I don't know if The Wanderer is stronger than her. He hides his strength. He doesn't…menace. He knows he's the strongest thing in the room, he doesn't have to prove it, he doesn't want to prove it. He wants everyone to get along with one another. Wants everyone to grow peacefully to become more than they are. He could be stronger…or not…."

"There are different types of strength. His desire for both peace and freedom, within the constraints of living in an enormous society of countless cultures…he has to be immensely strong to not fall prey to the desire to simply enforce it from the start."

The thought of using force to make things peaceful seemed odd to him, the thought of peace being created through unity suddenly worried him. "What…what happens if everyone becomes a part of a whole?"

"Like teamwork?"

"No…like ants. Everything for the sake of…." Would he have been responsible for helping Her remove the individuality of every living entity? Would being with Asura, being left alone to learn about himself, about her, about the universe…would he have simply become a librarian of the end of everything but Her? "Is it better to die fighting the inevitable, or spend the time you have left with someone who wants to help you find what you are inside?"

A clearly rhetorical question with far too many variables to be able to answer simply. "I'd rather fight, personally." She heard the thoughtful noise he grunted out. "That doesn't make it the 'right' choice, just my choice."

Choice. "People should have that…shouldn't they?" He pulled the tofu off the stove, replacing it with a vegetable medley. "I…I've never had a choice. Meroko-sama told me how to live. When I came here, I had to fight to stop the world from dying. But it was about the world…not about me. I don't care if I die. I've never cared if I die. I doubt I'll ever care if I die…. I'd probably tear whatever's left of the world in half if you died."

She blinked. "…Me?" When all he did was nod in response, she followed up, "I'm sure you mean-"

"No, I don't." Admit it. "I…would hurt. I would be upset, and would probably get angry. When Eriko, Sumire, and Ulala died, I…I hurt, I was upset, but I didn't get angry. I started to think, not feel. That Angel had to die. He was threatening people. He killed my friends, and that hurt, and that upset me…but my rage was because I'd failed. I was angry at myself, not at it, and not at Ulala for not listening. Every time I've been near you, it's like my life…." He scowled, searching for the right words. "Colors shine, my thoughts calm, my emotions become still. You touch me, and I think I can do anything. You talk to me, and everything makes sense. I've been trying to figure out what it means to actually love someone, and I thought I knew. I thought that what Chie made me feel was love. I said I loved her. I felt a reaction from saying those words to her…but I think the reaction came from her, not me."

Maya thought through what he had just dropped on her. Thought through the ramifications, the potential outcomes. She watched him stir the vegetables to make sure they were evenly heated through, and she thought about what it was that she felt for him. It wasn't a case of unrelenting love, she didn't even have that for Ritsuko. Maya knew herself well enough to know that she wasn't one hundred percent certain what romantic love felt like. Lust she was keenly aware of. Familial love was rock solid. The love between friends, peers, and mentors was clear as glass. But she'd never once thought what romance would feel like. Ritsuko simply wasn't the kind of woman to go on long walks through beautiful gardens, or to cozy restaurants to linger over food and wine. Her idea of a 'date' was extra time together on a project, a movie on a couch, a friendly debate over some point that was delaying them from succeeding at work. Shooting from the hip, she hoped that her advice would at least help him, "You've only known them for a couple-"

"I've only known you for a few hours more," he shut down her argument before it could begin. "I don't know if I love you. I don't know if all I'm feeling is a higher level of whatever they inspire. I don't know!" He slammed the spatula down on the counter in frustration. "I called for you because I needed you to help me decide whether or not to try and call out to Asura. Whether or not I could be the kind of man that just leaves however many people are alive to die because I want so desperately to not have to hurt anymore." Snapping the heat off on the oven, he set the pan on a burner that hadn't been on and walked away from the stove. "You've never once told me what to do. You've only ever asked that I talk things through. You've sat there, nude, and let me share my fears, my worries, my innermost thoughts…and you've given me nothing but truth in return." Spinning around, and leaning against the corner of the perpendicular countertops, he crossed his arms and let his head bash back into the cupboards above. "How horrible is it to tell someone you love them, to have them bound to your soul, and then turn around and tell them that you would abandon everything if only one woman offered you everything you've ever wanted."

"Which…is what this Asura did?"

One blue eye popped open, spearing her in place. "No. It's what you did."

Immediately hating herself for sounding like a broken record player, she chirped out, "Me?"

"The thought of you walking in speaking excitedly about your day, or grousing about your day, or sharing an interesting story about your day, and then coming into the kitchen while I make us dinner is fulfilling on a visceral level. The fact that I can sit here and ramble insanely for half of an hour and not send you fleeing makes me want to give you anything you could ever ask for. The knowledge that you will not only fight for me, but fight me for me gives me the strength to let go. I spent hours on The Silent World speaking with my brother and two of his wives, one of which is, I shit you not, Hera. Olympian God, mother of gods, Hera. The best advice they could give me, other than medication, was to fucking find someone I could talk to. I couldn't open up like this to anyone else. I couldn't tell anyone else the bare metal bullshit clogging up my mind. I would be terrified sentence to sentence, sometimes word to word, that I'd say the wrong thing and they'd flee! Once you told me you were staying, for the second time, it made perfect sense. You weren't lying. You weren't being deceitful. You were being Captain Maya Ibuki, the most wonderful woman I've ever met. If you asked me to never speak to anyone ever again, I'd be mute outside of your presence. But you won't. You wouldn't. That is what makes me wonder if what I feel for you is actual, truth shouted from the mountaintop, love. I would give you anything…and all you'll ever ask of me is my best effort."

She swallowed. The power he offered her was staggering. There were reports, via security, of women that would try to murder everyone else alive for the tiniest fraction of what he was setting at her feet. I…I can't be passive anymore. He is willing to give me the universe. She forced herself to stop gawping like a schoolgirl. "I…am willing to give you what you want, in exchange for two things." She saw his eyes widen, shock that she would offer anything plainly presented to the world. "One, you do not limit yourself to me because that's what you think I want. I'm not giving up Ritsuko for you, not the least of which because I know she likes you a lot. Ritsuko doesn't do 'love' either, but what she does do is loyalty. If I'm going to be with Ritsuko as well, it's hypocritical of me to say that you can't seek out 'extra affection' or even love from other people. Especially the women you're already developing connections with. It might very well be love with them too, and in my opinion they deserve your best as well."

"D-done." He nodded hastily, not wanting to seem like he was hesitating. "I-I…I don't know if I love Rits, but I know that I'm happy when she's around."

"Good." She gifted him a pleased smile. The admission cost him nothing, and that it wasn't forced made it all the more special. "Second, and I think this will be the harder one…." She saw him brace himself, and hurt inside for it. "If I die, you don't quit." She needed this more than the first one. She needed to know that even though she might be someone's world, that she wasn't the only thing holding them together. He needed friends, he needed hope, he needed life. She walked over and placed her hand on his heart. "You fight on. You defend what's left. You honor me by keeping as many alive as you possibly can. You trust, in your heart of hearts, that I'm smiling down at you as you struggle to carry on. That I'm cheering for you with everything I have, wherever I end up. You fight." Her chest ached at the way he was clearly thinking about a world without her. "Because when you come find me…when we meet again wherever we go when we die…I want you to be proud of what you did after I died."

Letting his arms uncross, he looped one around the arm she'd set on his chest so that he cupped her cheek with his hand. "I don't know if this is love…but I know that without you in my life, now…." His breath caught, but he managed to spit out, "Pain."

Slipping up on her tiptoes, she tugged on his shirt to bring him the rest of the way down for a kiss. Letting him set the pace, she allowed her mind to drift away from the moment towards a future with him. The way she'd begun to look at it, after dealing with the stalled efforts to repopulate, is that she was attracted to the equivalent of an 'adult entertainer'. She wasn't really into guys, never really had been, but something about the man before her got into her brain and tickled all the right glands. What he was doing, having sex with random women, was no more lacking faithfulness than someone who was paid to be on camera. They didn't have his heart. They didn't consume his thoughts. They didn't hold him in their arms after work was done. She would have him. All they'd ever have was a…larger than average piece for a short time. Letting herself drop back to flat feet, she looked into his eyes and gave herself fully to someone for the first time in her life. "Then I think we should start to plan for forever, don't you?"

There was an audible clank in Shinji's mind. The sound of two metallic gears, larger than entire galaxies, making contact with one another and moving in tandem with one another. There was no explosion. No titanic burst of light. Nothing of what had happened with his classmates. His vision became blurry for a brief moment, refocusing to find a look of confused worry on Maya's face. "I…d-did you…?"

"Oh crabapples," she 'swore', before falling limp in his arms.

+++++ Tokyo-3. (Wednesday, September 8th, +18, Waxing Crescent 1/4)

Misato had thought to visit and cheer up her best friend. She'd found out about Shinji's little sabbatical, and that he'd personally requested the one woman she'd have sent to see him if it were up to her. That did, however, mean that Ritsuko would now be doing the work of two brilliant scientists instead of just one. Walking into the lab where Ritsuko was chewing on a thumbnail, she called out to avoid startling her, "Hey! I brought a late lunch, if you can eat and do whatever you're doing at the same time."

"It's amorphic." It was evident to Misato that Ritsuko wasn't hearing her. "The genes didn't die, they were disrupted. They were disrupted across…." With the hand not near her face, she tapped out another sequence for the MAGI to resolve. The output came back after a brief moment, broadcast up on the large monitor in front of her with several sections marked in grey. "It was heterozygous…. A mutation. The damn thing is broadcasting radiation that blocks it from annealing to specific locus. Which itself isn't really all that possible without finely tuned…."

"Rits?"

"So why aren't we detecting the background radiation, then? We can detect the signals caused by the connection and disconnection between realities. We can detect…no, can't be alpha decay. Wouldn't go through the skin. Wait," she tapped out more code, "wouldn't have to go through skin. If it's environmental, it would have…no…."

Now at the scientist's side, Misato set down the two clamshell-style food containers and looked up at the screen to take a guess at what was going on. "Trying to make magic make sense?"

"Huh?" Ritsuko looked surprised to see Misato standing there, then caught the scent of food and snatched one of the containers eagerly. "No. Magic doesn't exist. I'm trying to understand the science involved in preventing human males from existing. Rovers found male animals out in the wild, whatever this is it's only stopping male humanoids from being born." Taking several large bites, she chewed and waggled her chopsticks at the screen. "Finally found the right records to see what the HGP put together, compared it to medical records of patients suffering from atypical chromosomal sets, bounced the remainder off of radiation-based cancers, discovered that allele pairing could be prevented by mutations caused from alterations to the environment, and am now trying to figure out what kind of radiation the kagutsuchi is emitting that spontaneously disincorporated every Y-carrying human in Japan."

Misato sat down on the edge of the desk, eating slower than her friend and trying to keep up. "Wouldn't we detect radiation in that quantity? I can't imagine that something like that wouldn't have to be pretty powerful. You'd think we'd notice an uptick in burns, dehydration, and hair loss."

"If it was beta or gamma decay, sure. But the products of alpha decay can basically be stopped by thinking at it really hard. Hell, the helium we 'mine' is just the result of alpha decay from Uranium and Thorium. It's harmless, for the most part. A significant change, like you said, should have been picked up by our detection stations."

Thinking as a tactician, and not as a scientist, Misato offered an answer based on what she'd do, "Could it be hidden in a solar storm? Just before the Third Angel showed up, we had that brief solar storm that caused our communications to go wonky while we were tracking Shinji's train. Our detection stations would pick up the stronger source, not really noticing anything 'weaker'. Washes across the Earth, gets in the air everyone's breathing, poof. Magic. We missed it because we were paying attention to ninety-nine percent of the world vanishing, and because it was brought to us via Trojan Horse."

Ritsuko tossed her food aside, typing furiously on her keyboard for a few seconds. Quickly, the monitor began to populate with the sensor data from the detection stations during the solar storm. Clenching one fist and slamming it down on the table, she crowed out, "Misato you beautiful fucking cow, I'm going to ask Auntie Kyoko to give you a raise!" She reached for the speaker phone, not caring what her bosses were doing at the moment.

"…I am not fat."

"No, but you are putting on weight."

The phone connected, Kyoko Zeppelin's accented voice responding to her favorite student, "Yes, Puppe?"

"Station twelve sixteen. Twenty one, August. Oh nine twenty two," Ritsuko replied tersely.

Typing was audible in the background. "The solar activity, yes?"

"Right. Look at the waveform and compare it to the event on twelve May, eleven seventeen."

More typing. "Hm. The troughs of the waveform are muted in May. This could mean any number of things, dear."

"The energy delivered was within two kilojoules, Auntie. That's not enough difference between the two events to explain the troughs. The Kagutsuchi delivered a single pulse of radiation at that exact moment, leading to what I'm sending you now," typing as she spoke, she sent her work to her mentor. "Unless it's still pumping out that specific type of radiation, which it can't be, the death of the male half of the population was the result of a sneak attack that delivered a time bomb to every human male on Earth. It timed it so that when reality bent to create our new world, males would vanish as well. There's nothing stopping us from having males here."

"Hm." There was a note of pride in Kyoko's voice, "I'll present this to Yui. I'll also mention that you included Captain Katsuragi in the report as offering the idea. Thank you for continuing to be the woman and student I've taken pride in all these years."

The phone hung up from the other end, and Ritsuko looked to Misato and couldn't hide her grin of pure elation.

Misato was still frowning, having set aside her food. "I'm not fat."

+++++ Tokyo-3. (Wednesday, September 8th, +18, Waxing Crescent 1/4)

Shinji had Maya laid down on the bed, the top button on her shirt undone, her feet elevated and socks removed before one minute had elapsed. Whatever had happened to Maya when he felt the world around him shudder would not be allowed to remove her from his life. Not now. "Hikaru, please tell me-"

"Dude, I can hear when you think my name, let alone when you speak it." The strange being that was tied to him through Mitsuru appeared at the bedside, offering him a cold compress to put on Maya's forehead. "She's fine. You remember how you felt when reality adjusted on you near the trainwreck? Yeah, and that was with the added benefit of your little passenger in your neck. She…well, she was mostly human until a minute or so ago. Give her a minute or so to work out the kinks."

"…Mostly?"

"Heh, fun fact about your little princess here," Hikaru chuckled sardonically.

+++++ NERV. (Wednesday, September 8th, +18, Waxing Crescent 1/4)

"Back," Amethyst motioned for everyone to move away from the unconscious form of the second highest ranking woman in her [Song], "get back!" Scooping 'her' Maya up easily, mentally noting that she needed to discuss proper eating habits, she laid her on the bed that Suzuka had left upon Maya fainting. "I can hear her song. She's not breathing, not that that's going to hurt anything but it's an indication of a possible cause. No heartbeat, same dance different tune."

"Perhaps exhaustion?" Suzuka ventured, "She has been working all hours for several months now." The willowy swordswoman gripped the railing on her temporary bed to stop herself from crowding the physician. "There would be no honor lost for her if that were true."

The Wanderer appeared, his aura barely constrained. "I am quickly losing my patience with this dimension and everything in it." Placing one hand on his wife's abdomen, he closed his eyes and concentrated. After a tense few seconds, he visibly relaxed.

"There is nothing that would have prevented this, all things being equal." Rubbing the heels of her hands into her eyes as the bout of unconsciousness faded, Maya Ikari blew out a quiet sigh. "To be honest, I should have anticipated this. I'm the only one, other than you, that remembers our home dimension, Pup. Should have guessed that wasn't a one-time deal."

Gently helping her up into a seated position, The Wanderer cupped the back of her head to support her balance. "How bad is it?"

"I have a headache, a new alternate timeline to remember, and a better understanding of this version of you." She looked over to Suzuka, offering a calm smile. "I'm fine."

"I will be the judge of that, after the good doctor checks you over," Suzuka replied tartly.

With his wives playfully bantering, The Wanderer could feel his temper receding even further. "Ok…is this salvageable?"

"No," Maya answered with complete honesty. "Best play right now is to keep the skies clear and let him settle down. He's finally confided in the other me, and I'm confident that I…she…we, whatever, are going to do what we can to help him. He's going to fight, no matter what happens. All that's left to find out is if he's going to fight for us, or for Asura."

"He will fight for us, or no one." Those of his family present looked at him with a hint of surprised concern, prompting him to make a soothing motion with one hand. "He knows too much about us, about our strengths and weaknesses, and about our location. We'll figure something out if he decides to stay non-com."

"Shinji," Maya's tone of voice caused Suzuka and Amethyst to take a step back. She rarely used his name anymore, preferring to use his nickname or some other term of affection. That she used his name now brought The Wanderer's full attention to her presence, and she knew it. "Do not presume to dictate what the man I love will, or will not, be allowed to do. First and final warning."

In a straight fight between him and Maya, The Wanderer would defeat her with a thought. If it ever came to a fight between The Wanderer and Maya, he doubted that she would be alone. He knew he would be. "…Kitten?"

"He is scared. He is lonely. He hasn't been given a chance to get his feet under him, and he's still looking for reasons to do what he knows is the right thing instead of the easy thing. If that doesn't sound familiar to you, then maybe you actually have begun to lose touch with humanity."

It was entirely unlike Maya to actually hint at a threat. There was a not inconsiderable part of him that wanted to ask her if she really wanted to go down that road. The part of his heart that would forever be beholden to his wives instead urged him to do what made more sense. Without another word, he vanished.