We apologise for the delay in the posting of this second to last chapter. It was mostly caused by unavoidable computer problems. It was partially caused by laziness. The computer problems are fixed. The laziness problems continue. Nothing short of magic will fix those – so anyone who feels like a faster fifth chapter should probably offer Pepper-Up Potion in their feedback.
We disclaim and remind our readers once again that this is only as dirty as your minds. In our case, that means it's dirtier than Draco's underwear after a Quidditch match.
Finally, we would like to point out that this is a work of fantasy that owes its life to Nonjon, whom we proclaim a Hufflepuff Dark God on a par with the Hoff. Read the Where in the World is Harry Potter? trilogy and if you don't laugh at that or the Hoff's latest single, we'll know you're dead and be round to collect the body in the morning.
The Unspeakables of Gryffindor
Having barely escaped from the 'Puffs with his life intact, let alone his pyjamas, Harry longed for the comforting familiarity of the Gryffindor Tower and his four-poster bed. Trevor too seemed wearied by the night's adventures and ready for bed.
Despite the legendary Gryffindor courage, Harry's heart sank into his shoes as he approached the door of the boys' dormitory and heard muffled talking that could only mean some of the Gryffindor girls had come to visit. He wasn't sure if he could take one of Hermione's well-meant nagging sessions having already escaped the horrors of three other Houses that night.
A nightmare worse than one of Hermione's nagathons awaited him however. Opening the door he could see that Ron had already pulled the curtains together around his bed and retired for the night. The absence of ear splitting snores told Harry that his friend wasn't asleep yet and just as he yawned and put on clean pyjamas, ready for bed, once more a far more terrible sound assaulted him.
"What a pretty pussy!" Ron murmured from his bed.
"Oh yes," Hermione throatily cooed in response. "Don't you want to stroke her fur?"
Any idea of sleeping in the Gryffindor common room was shattered by a third voice, Ginny's this time, adding "Ohh, isn't she soft?"
Harry found that he was as incapable of movement as if under a full body bind as Hermione and Ginny moaned in unison.
Trevor suffered no such limitation and started to wriggle suggestively in hand as Neville could be heard to say "Isn't it amazing how much better she responds to six hands than two?"
"Oh fuck." Harry muttered for the second time that night. "Dark Gods of Hufflepuff, just kill me now. You can even use my body as your next unidentifiable corpse."
Clearly hoping to avoid the lightning bolt that would shortly strike Harry and not become a fried-toad, Trevor hopped from hand to floor and ribbited loudly in pleasure.
A heavy purring sound issued from behind the bed curtains and Hermione's hand crept out to pull them apart.
Minnie, who was a very pretty pussy, leapt from bed to floor and the girls cried out happily as she waved her long tabby tail in farewell to them, the rest of her concentration fixed firmly on the toad before her. Her back curved in the classic pouncing position and her ears twitched meaningfully.
"Stop her before she eats him!" Neville begged, still entangled in the bed sheets that the girls had thrown aside to follow Minnie.
"I'm more likely to eat her!" Neville's Uncle Algie replied as he transformed back into his human from toad form. He raised an eyebrow at a shocked looking Hermione. "You disapprove, Miss Granger, but what if I want her to eat me?"
Minnie purred on the floor and ran out of the room, Uncle Algie in hot pursuit. Only Harry was quick enough to lean out of the doorway and see the permanently scarring sight. Minnie's raised tail had become McGonagall's robed back and Uncle Algie was chasing her through the Gryffindor tower calling "But I want to pet the pretty pussy!"
"Then hop faster, Long-tongue!" Minnie slid down the banisters and took a flying leap out of the portrait hole, purring temptingly.
Shaking in horror, Harry collapsed on his bed and hoped that his nightmarish evening was over. Hogwarts wasn't finished with him yet though.
At the stroke of midnight, Harry was woken by a noise in the dormitory loud enough to drown out Ron's snores & stomach rumblings.
Jumping out of bed with wand in hand and seeing Dean, Seamus and Ron poke their heads out through their curtains, Harry was confronted by a mysterious cloaked figure. "Wotcha Harry."
"Shut it, Tonks." Neville's voice surprised all four boys and they turned to look at him in shock, a feeling that only increased when Tonks replied smartly "Yes, sir!"
"Tonight is the night boys," Neville announced, having acquired a bizarrely American military accent and a cigar which he chomped from one side of his mouth to the other. "This is the night we've all been training for since the Sorting Hat put us into Gryffindor."
"What the fuck?" Asked all 4 Gryffies.
"Tonight you become the best of the best, the finest of the finest, the toughest of the tough, the Gryffiest of the Gryffies. Tonight you become Unspeakables. I've been training for this day since Bellatrix chose my parents as her playthings when I was fourteen months old. We are the Ministry's finest, but the Ministry does not acknowledge that we exist. We will never be rewarded for our services publicly but all Aurors owe a debt to our brethren. The first rule of Unspeakables is that you do not speak about the Unspeakables! The second rule of the Unspeakables is that YOU DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT THE UNSPEAKABLES!"
"This is the first night of the rest of your lives. Listen to me and those lives may not be short. Ignore my words and you will not be in big enough pieces to regret it. I am your liaison with previous Unspeakables, or at least those who lived. You will jump when I say "insilio", you will run when I say "curro", you will clean when I say "scourgify" and you will not question your orders, ever. You will learn to throw off the Imperius curse, to block every dark spell but one and to cast many too. Most of all, you will take the war against Voldemort to where it belongs – his grave."
The new Unspeakables gasped at Neville saying You-Know-Whose Name without stammering. Tonks flinched and hid behind Harry as Trevor the toad reappeared in the doorway.
"Tonks, you're an Auror dating a werewolf, why are you hiding behind a schoolboy?" Harry whispered to her as the toad expanded into a fierce looking Auror, his ferocious image rather spoiled by the tabby fur that coated his black robe and the way his hair stuck up at the back in a cat's lick curl.
Tonks whispered back, "You're the Chosen One. You're the only one who will have to get out of here in a big enough piece to live. Who better to hide behind?"
"Unspeakable double oh-one Longbottom, report!" Uncle Algie barked.
"Sod off you old pussy petting toad, I'm the Unspeakable one here." The others were as shocked as Algie as the round faced boy straightened his shoulders and showed off a pair of pecs under his pyjamas that would have put any Hoff-worshipping 'Puff to shame. "You will hate me, you will curse me, you will wish I had never been born, but the day you come face to face with a Death Eater whose greatest wish is to see you dead, you will be grateful for what I'm about to do. Except for you Harry. Sorry."
The wordless spell flashed from the end of Neville's wand and surrounded Harry in red and gold light, blinding everyone including Hermione, who had just appeared in the dormitory doorway. When it faded Harry was gone and a small bulrush remained in his place. Unable to resist nature, Uncle Algie transformed back into a toad and let out a particularly loud ribbit as he leaped on it.
"Coming!" McGonagall called from the hallway outside.
"She wasn't the only one," Dean complained from his bed as Lavender poked her head out from underneath the covers and screamed at the sight of Ron in his Chudley Canons pyjamas. The sight of all that orange clashing with his red hair was too much for the fashion conscious Gryffie and her famed house courage vanished as she fainted back onto Dean's bed.
Always one to keep her head in a crisis, Hermione covered her eyes from the dreadful sight and said, "But where's Harry?"