Chapter 4:

Noticeable Differences

"Emma?" Sean said as he stepped up beside her and pulled her hair aside so he could see her face "Are you sure you're ok?" Emma whipped around flashing another fake smile at Sean "Sure, I'm sure. I was just getting water."

Sean didn't buy it and his eyes flashed towards the sink. "Emma, you've been in here for like 15 minutes." He said as he gently pulled the glass out of her hands and turned off the running faucet. He pulled her towards the kitchen table with him and sitting her down in a chair, sat down across from her at the kitchen table.

"Now, tell me…what's wrong?"

Emma looked at Sean; took everything in…his watery blue-green eyes, his slightly curly, almost shoulder-length brown hair, and his…worried expression; the same worried expression Emma'd remembered, that seen so many times before on the face of another boy…

"Emma? What are you doing!" Peter yelled, as he banged on the bathroom door.

"Um, do you really need to know that!" Emma yelled back angrily. In reality, she was kneeling in front of the toilet waiting for the courage to come over her to just do it already. Just do it. She'd kept thinking but, somehow, she couldn't.

Emma had been home alone for the first time in months and she successfully had everyone fooled, everyone thought she was sooooo over this…

Or at least, everyone thought she was over it enough, to were they could leave her alone for a few minutes without her finding her way into her bathroom…

Leaning over the toilet and trying to will herself to…

Just do it.

But, Peter had called. At first, Emma had just let her cell ring. Then she'd pulled the cell out of her purse; which she'd brought into the bathroom with her, gripping it tightly knowing that if she held onto it, she couldn't do other things with her hands.

Emma stared at the cell for a moment before deciding that she'd much rather not talk to her worry-wart boyfriend, and set it down on the bathroom floor, beside her. When he finds out I'm home alone, he'll just think I'm throwing up or something! Emma'd thought, before considering the fact that technically, he'd have been right.

Shortly after the missed called she'd been startled by the sound of steps rushing down the stairs and then a fist banging wildly at the door.

"Yeah, Emma! I do need to know!" Peter yelled in an angry retort to Emma's sarcasm, before Emma could think of anything else to say. Deciding quickly that it would be in her best interest to flush the toilet and walk out acting as though she'd just been using the bathroom, Emma did just that, picked up her purse and yanked open the bathroom door, greeting her worried boyfriend with a triumphant look.

"Here she is; full of food and life." Emma stated irately, as she walked past Peter and sat down on her bed. Peter slowly looked at her and then turning back around, he walked into and disappeared for a moment in the bathroom.

Emma called out in an annoyed tone "Peter? I don't know what you're looking for but you're not going to…" but stopped short as Peter walked out looking at her strangely.

"How long have you been here? By yourself?" Emma rolled her eyes "About 15 minutes Mr. Para-noid." Peter's look became a little more strange and suspicious and he stepped towards her, peering curiously into her eyes. "And…did you go to sleep…or something?" Emma wasn't sure what he was getting at, but becoming more and more irritated she said "No Peter; I have not been sleep." "Then…" "I was just-" Emma glanced quickly at some book Manny had been reading and picked it up " Reading !"

Peter shook his head slowly and he moved his hands from behind his back to reveal the phone that Emma'd left on the bathroom floor. "Then why didn't you answer?" he stated looking very hurt. "And, why'd you have the cell phone in the bathroom with you?" "Peeeetttteeerrr!" Emma whined, trying to manipulate him and change the subject "Come on, just-" "Emma you were about to throw up…weren't you?" Peter stated plainly in a disturbed, concerned tone.

For some reason, possibly because someone hadn't accused her of this in a while, Emma could feel herself crying, shaking, and suddenly she was so scared of what she would have sunken back into if Peter hadn't stopped her. "I'm so sorry!" she said as she fell into his welcoming arms. "I'm soooo scared Peter! What if you hadn't been here! What if I-"

"It's ok Em. I am here…alright?" Peter said as he rocked her back and forth gently.

"I'm here."

"Emma?" Sean said as he gripped his girlfriend's hand tightly and shook her out of her memory. "What is wrong?" Emma looked at Sean, glanced in his worried eyes and almost felt like crying.

Why was she so incessantly trudging up these memories? These thoughts that could never help her now and were only making her feel horrible?

"I'm just…I'm just a little…worried; that's all." She stammered out finally.

"About what?" Sean asked as he leaned in towards her, with a look of deep concern.

Emma thought about this…

What could she really say…?

That she was reminiscing about her dark days when Peter was there for her and not Sean?

That she was thinking about the fact that if Sean hadn't come back and screwed her emotions all up, Peter would probably still be here with her, watching out for her, and making her feel just a little bit saner and safer than she'd been feeling in the years since Sean had left?

That it was so scary to her to think that if she did relapse, if she did have another bout, or suddenly get into some situation that proved too much for her, she'd probably end up right back, there again?

The night sweats?

The shaking?

The throwing up?

Not to mention that almost dead feeling she'd get every night before sleeping, hoping that after she'd closed her eyes, she'd actually get the chance to open them again?

Emma shook her head "Just…school and stuff you know?" she said and she waited.

Waited to see if Sean would buy it, knowing Peter wouldn't have. Waited to see if Sean still had any of the same…Seanness he'd had when they'd last dated, and he'd been able to tell her exactly what she needed to hear; especially when she was lying to herself.

But, he didn't and said simply "Oh." With a look of relief,

"Well, don't ok?" Sean said as he leaned in and kissed her.

"Come on! I'm up now; we can watch the movie." He called as he walked into the living room leaving her speechless and bogged down by more depressing thoughts…