I do not own Naruto Shippuden or any of the characters.
Broken
Ryuu stared at the ceiling in silence. Beside him, Fu held him a little tighter, curling into his side. He could feel her crying, worried about him. After all. In the three days they had been staying in the Land of the Moon to recover from the incident involving Ishidate, he had yet to sleep for even a second. Every time he closed his eyes he saw what he had done to Ishidate. He saw himself, covered in blood and with his Sharingan glowing, reflected in Sasuke's eyes. He saw the fear there, pure terror, cause by the mere sight of him. He was a monster. No question about it. A monster, and a mass murderer for hire. Everything his clan had ever wanted for him. His brother would be so ashamed.
He sat up, Fu sitting up with him, watching him worriedly. He pulled the covers off of himself, standing and pulling his shirt on. "I need some air." He walked out of the hotel room, walking to the street and then silently making his way down the road, passing by dark houses and empty back alleys. He wasn't really sure what he was looking for. There was nothing that would comfort him if even Fu couldn't help.
After about thirty minutes of wandering aimlessly, he found himself back at his room. He opened the door silently, peeking inside and seeing Fu on the bed, sobbing into her knees. He stepped inside, closing the door and walking over to the bed, sitting down and pulling her into a hug. Fu hugged him back, sobbing into his shoulder and he felt his heart break. He was hurting her. Badly. She was breaking almost as much as him.
He lay down, pulling the sheet up over them and held her against him, curling his body protectively around hers. Then, he forced his eyes closed, allowing the images to flood his mind, tears finally began to fall. He wanted to open his eyes, force the images away, run away from what he had done. But he couldn't. Not if it was going to hurt Fu like this. He couldn't run away any longer. He had to face it. No matter how badly it would hurt him to do it.
By the time the images became nightmares, he could barely even tell the difference. He was sitting in the fetal position in a dark void, faces of those he had killed once around swirling him. But this time, hands began to grab him, pulling at him. He grit his teeth, chanting "It's just a dream" over and over again in his mind. The hands yanked and he began to fall. He looked up, seeing himself. He looked down. Ishidate was clutching at his left leg, dragging him downward. Around Ishidate were the countless others who Ryuu had killed. Ryuu fought to get free, begging them to release him. Then, finally, a hand caught his. He looked up, seeing Shisui, both eyes missing and blood flowing out, body broken and bloodied from being thrown from a cliff.
"You're a monster Ryuu," Shisui said.
"No!" Ryuu pleaded. "Please! Shisui no! Brother!"
"You're no brother of mine," Shisui said.
Then, Ryuu was falling again, the hands suddenly tearing at his body. He screamed as he felt his flesh being torn away. Before they could do much more, however, Fu slapped him awake. He stared at her in silence, feeling the tears on his cheeks and seeing the ones on hers.
"I'm sorry," he managed to force out, his throat dry once again.
He sat up, wrapping his arms around Fu as she did the same.
"Please tell me how to help you," Fu pleaded. "Tell me what I need to do."
"I don't know," Ryuu said. "I wish I did."
Fu nodded and fell silent. Then, they stayed there for the rest of the night. As the sun rose the next day, Ryuu left the hotel, Fu following, and began to wander through town again. Again he didn't know what he was looking for, but it felt like he was looking for something. Like he'd know what it was when he saw it. Finally, he slowed to a stop, hearing what sounded like singing. For lack of a better idea, he turned, walking toward the sound until he reached a church. He hadn't attended a church once in his life. He didn't even know what to do there. But, since he had no other ideas of what to do, he pushed the door open carefully, Fu following him as they quietly slipped into the church, sitting at the back. They remained silent as the singing came to a close and a man stood at the front of the church, beginning to preach. Some parts of it Ryuu caught, but in the end, it was all just meaningless words to him. Finally, everyone bowed their heads to pray. Ryuu and Fu did the same, but Ryuu stopped for a moment. He had prayed before, but never really to anyone, just in general. After a moment, he decided to try praying specifically to the God the preacher was talking about. Maybe it would help this time. It was certainly a comforting thought for there to be an all-powerful all-knowing being watching over him that could forgive him for his sins no matter what they were or how numerous they were.
Um, hello? Ryuu prayed silently. God? Um, I know I've never...tried praying to you specifically before, or even really ever believed in you, but...if you are there...if you are real...I could use some help. I need your help. I...I've done some things...a lot of things...that I'm not so proud of. I've hurt a lot of people...killed a lot of people. I don't know if I can be forgiven, but I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't even close my eyes, without seeing their faces. It's slowly killing me, I can feel it. But, that's not why I need your help. It's Fu. She's suffering even more than I am. I can see it in her eyes. So, if there's anything you could do, or if there's any way I could be forgiven, so that Fu won't have to watch me suffer anymore...please. I'll do anything you ask if you can...if you can just...I don't know.
He opened his eyes, staring at the ground for a moment before lifting his head and looking around. The preacher finished his sermon and people began to file out. Ryuu stayed where he was, Fu looking at him worriedly. Suddenly, a hand settled on Ryuu's shoulder and he looked back, seeing the preacher.
"What's your name, son?" the preacher asked.
"Ryuu," Ryuu said.
"Come with me," the preacher said. "I would like to talk to you, if you have a moment."
Ryuu nodded and he and Fu stood, following him through a door near the front of the room and into a small empty room with a few chairs. They all sat down and the preacher took a breath before beginning.
"You don't believe in God, do you?" the preacher asked.
"I don't know," Ryuu said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause any problems."
"Oh, it's not like that at all," the preacher smiled. "We're always happy to welcome new people. What I meant was, would you believe me if I told you that you would be here today?"
"What do you mean?" Ryuu asked.
"Last night, I had a dream," the preacher said. "In that dream, there was a boy who was surrounded by demons and the ghosts of those he had wronged. He was drowning in his sin. But then, a light shone on that boy, drawing him back from the darkness. And when I awoke, I knew that that same boy, you, would be at my sermon today."
"So, what, you can see the future?" Ryuu asked. "And my dreams?"
"No," the preacher said. "The lord allowed me a glimpse at your troubles, and told me through my dreams that you would be here, and need my help."
"What can you do?" Ryuu asked, trying not to sound skeptical or rude. "Take away my dreams?"
"I can pray for you," the preacher said. "God can do anything, so long as you pray."
Ryuu was silent for a long moment, staring at the floor. Finally, he looked up at the preacher. "What do I do?"
"Have you ever heard of someone going to confession?" the preacher asked.
"No," Ryuu said.
"Okay," the preacher nodded. "A confession is where a person goes to a priest and confesses their sins before God."
"Why does he need the priest if he's talking to God?" Ryuu asked.
"Well, it's kind of like the priest is playing telephone," the preacher said. "The person talks to the preacher and God hears him, then, the preacher prays to God to ask for forgiveness for the person, and for the wisdom to help them. And if God is willing, the preacher receives it."
"Well, what if a person weren't able to get to a preacher?" Ryuu asked. "Could they still get forgiveness? And how does someone become qualified to ask god for the wisdom to help others?"
The preacher chuckled and Ryuu blushed slightly, staring at the ground.
"Sorry," Ryuu said.
"No no," the preacher smiled. "You remind me of myself before I was saved. Yes, a person could still be forgiven for their sins without a priest. The priest is to help them understand God's word, and to help them understand what God is telling them. As for becoming qualified, you don't simply, become qualified. You just ask. It's up to God whether or not he wants to help someone through you or simply help them directly. Now, back to the original subject. I think you should try a confession."
"Okay," Ryuu nodded. "How?"
"First, say, 'Forgive me father for I have sinned,' and then confess your sins," the preacher said.
"Father?" Ryuu blinked.
"That's what priests are called in our religion," the preacher said.
"Okay," Ryuu said. "What counts as a sin?"
The preacher smiled. "I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any strange gods before me. It means that He is the one true God and you may only worship him. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. No swearing. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. Every seventh day, which is today, is known as the Sabbath day, and it is a day that we worship God. Honor thy father and mother. Thou shalt not kill."
Ryuu's eyes fell to the ground instantly.
"Thou shalt not commit adultery," the preacher continued. "Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Don't lie."
Ryuu nodded.
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife," the preacher said. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods. Anything that you've done which broke those rules is a sin in the eyes of God. And all sins, as strange as it may sound to us humans, is equal in the eyes of God. Stealing is no more acceptable to him than taking a life."
Ryuu nodded, thinking for a moment. "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What sins have you committed?" the preacher asked.
"I've killed," Ryuu said. "A lot. I'm a shinobi, and it's a part of the job, but I've taken a lot of lives. Three were attacking a village I was hired to defend. Several were trying to harm Fu." he gestured to Fu, the preacher nodding. "A couple days ago, I killed a man that was trying to assassinate Prince Michiru, but it was different from the rest. I didn't kill him because it was the job. I killed him because he had hurt Fu. I was so angry...and I just snapped. I hurt him. A lot. I forced him to cut of his own arm, then cauterized it just so he wouldn't bleed out too early. Then I spent almost ten minutes beating him to death as slowly as I could. Once I was finished, I hanged him from the wall of the castle with wire so that it would cut off his head."
"You've felt the presence of the devil," the preacher said. "The devil was an angel, holy beings created by God before humans, and who were then told to love humans as they loved God. However, the devil refused to love humans, for we are imperfect, sinful creatures. For that, God cast him out of heaven. The devil retaliated by tempting humans with sin, trying to draw them away from God."
Ryuu nodded.
"What other sins have you committed?" the preacher asked.
"I've lied," Ryuu said. "To others, to myself. I've lied about being okay, I've lied about who I am, what I've done. I lie all the time. And there was a time when I didn't respect my parents. After my brother's death, they treated me like I never existed, like I was my brother. I hated them for it. I wished for them to die. Right up until the day they did."
The preacher remained silent for a few moments. "Loss is difficult no matter the form. Everyone handles it differently. All we can hope to do is accept it and try to be better for it. Anything else?"
"I swear," Ryuu said. "A lot. And...I've never been religious. I've never...I've never believed in God. Never really cared about whether or not there was a God. I just...I was just more concerned with my own life."
The preacher nodded. "And what about now?"
"I...I don't know," Ryuu said. "Maybe?"
The preacher chuckled. "Maybe is good. God can work with maybe. Here. I want you to have this." He held out a book with the word "Bible" on the cover in gold lettering. "You have a church in your home village, right?"
Ryuu nodded.
"Good," the preacher nodded. "Then I want you to take the bible with you to them and ask the preacher there to teach you."
"Someone that went to that church described it differently than this one," Ryuu said. "He said that their preachers taught them that each person communicates with god themselves and asks God directly for help."
"There are many different types of Christians," the preacher smiled. "Personally, I believe that so long as you are worshiping the same God, and so long as you are following the ten commandments, the rules I said earlier, then the exact method with which you do it doesn't matter as much. Either way, the priest in charge of that church will be more than happy to help you."
Ryuu nodded, standing.
"Just a moment," the man said. "Normally, at the end of a confession, there would be a specific prayer that you would have to say a number of times. However, in this case, I believe this should suffice." He stood, closing his eyes and setting his hand on Ryuu's shoulder. "Lord, I thank you for bringing me this lost soul and giving me the chance to set him on the right path. I pray that you watch over him and guide him down the path you have set before him. Help him to be a follower of you, and an example to others of how to live, Lord. Help him to sleep at night without being haunted by his sins so that he might rest, for he is weary and in need of your aid, oh Lord. Watch over him, oh God, and help him to see your light and your majesty. Fill his heart with your grace, God, so that he may know your love. In Jesus holy name we pray, amen."
Ryuu watched the man as he opened his eyes and smiled. Ryuu forced a smile as well and thanked him again for the Bible then left with Fu. He could feel Fu watching him as they walked, Ryuu's hand holding the Bible against him, as though he were afraid to lose it. After a little while longer of wandering, they returned to the hotel room and lay in bed, Fu resting her head on his chest as Ryuu braced himself for more nightmares. However, as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, he found that he wasn't plagued by the faces of those he had killed, and instead fell into a deep, restful sleep at last.
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