Chapter 9 - Confession Part 2

I didn't know how Cid felt about my sudden outburst of affection in front of Tifa. I, myself, had long ago filtered out the thoughts and words of disapproval and resentment caused by a simple taboo. He, however, was just experiencing his newfound feeling. I began to believe that what I had done may have not been the best for him. Highwind portrays the strong will and determination that he obviously has to keep from showing that even he sometimes needs to let go of everything, curl up in a corner, and weaken, although he often kept this side of him hidden from everyone else. This fact also made me think about something else as I walked outside, not noticing that it had started to rain when I lefted the hotel. Was I the only one in whom Cid could confide this hidden feeling? His desires? His fears? Why was I so different from everyone else? Why doesn't he fight me if he does not approve of what is happening? Then again, he never said that he didn't approve of who I am and what has grown between us. Maybe it is me who fears rejection. I have hated for thirty years and have just begun to renounce my true feelings. I have grown to understand that love is a feeling. An emotion that cannot be chained by a simple belief or reason or broken by any bullet or blade.

Cid doesn't know how many times I stood on the brink of suicide and how many times he pulled me gently and safely from the ledge. I owed him everything. My life, if you wish to call it that. I intended to please him by any means. I wanted to do whatever it takes to keep him from leaving my side, pushing me ever so close to the edge of the cliff that he and he alone pulled me away from. In the past, before I took it apon myself to become 'happy', I would have never believed that I needed this spirit. I would have never let myself believe it. Instead, I would have pushed it aside and left it out in its lonesome to wonder whether or not it would be in vain to chase after me. I would have lept carefree off of the ledge and ended my existence. Cid made me who I am now.

The worried yet calm face that he gave me when I would sometimes be caught gazing into his simply stunning azure doorways to a hidden soul that no one could seem to find. His charming smell of light cologne slightly gracing his body as an attempt to hide the lingering odor or cigarette smoke seemingly soaking his skin due to heavy abuse. His comical choice of words and the manner of their usage. The way he would bring me back to reality should I lose my death grip on it. His coarse-looking, yet unmistakably soft hair. His gorgeous body. A body I wanted for myself in so many ways. And those sky blue orbs he claimed to be his eyes. I looked at them and I could see the sky. The stars. Maybe even what some call 'Heaven'. Whatever was pleasant and soothing to me, I saw within his gaze. I wanted to make him happy.

I couldn't believe he was content with me moping around wondering when my time will come to pass, so I observed the life of another in a attempt to correct my own. Everything that was him, I wanted to become. But did he want this? I dared not force such a fierce emotion on him for it could do more damage than healing as far as this twisted 'friendship' of ours is concerned. Not to mention Cid's well-being could also be at stake. He had already become a nervous wreck due to his failed marriage with Shera. He hid it quite well, but I have known sorrow for too long not to notice it right away. I began to worry that if I were to tamper with him too much now, he would walk along the very ledge he protected me from for so long and actually consider jumping off. Then. I would lose him forever. I did not want that, so I had to make an excuse for how I had acted just then.

I found one that I thought would have made a little sense to Cid. Being as he found my 'pain reliever', I could tell him that because I was, in his own words, 'high' and incoherent because the many demons that rejoiced in my mind due to its effects. Somewhere near the back of my mind, I chuckled as I tried to think of what he and Tifa might say. I turned around and started heading back in towards the kitchen, but something blocked my way.

There was a thud. The sound of my body hitting was obviously a wall of some sort. I stumbled backwards a little before regaining my balance. I was looking down as I walked, so it didn't appeal to me as to what might have stopped me. I looked up and noticed the glass door had been closed maybe to keep the rain...or me...out. I had run into the door. I felt my face tint a slight pink as I looked a little futher past the door to notice Cid and Tifa staring at me as if they were trying to hold back a heavy chain of laughter. I was too...embarrassed to go in and talk to them now, so I just turned back to the balcony from which I came from. I could hear the glass doors swing open and slightly hit the brick border walls around them. I felt another presence beside me. I turned to see who it was, but I recieved conformation before I could see them.

"Vin. You awright?" It was Cid. He had come out in the otherwise chilling rain to see if I had hurt myself, I thought, but I'm sure that he knew that a glass door was no match for me, so I knew it wasn't that. I gently shut my eyes as if to block out these silly visions that I was suddenly having about him.

"I'm...alright." I took a deep breath and prepared my excuse, hoping that I could remember what I wanted to tell him. "Cid, I want to apologize for the way I've been acting. That--" I cleared my throat. "-'Mary J' is what I use to calm the monsters in my head. I suppose they became too comfortable with the gesture and got restless after I had not taken anything since you've come to live with me." I looked away from him and secretly bit my lip lightly, hoping he believed me. I heard him laugh.

"That ain't what you use that shit for, man! You can't fool me!" I suppose part of it he believed. "But hey, I guess I can forgive you if that's what you want."

I did want his forgiveness, but not because of what I did. It was how I did it that seemed to bother me the most.

"Thank you." I simply said thank you. Then I looked into those beautiful azure eyes again. I didn't want to turn away from him, but if I was caught staring he might think badly of me.

"Hey, Vin?" Cid started. "Were you high those...other..times, too?"

I pretended as if I didn't remember what he was talking about, but I knew very well what I had done...and what I hadn't done. Despite me telling myself not to, I looked away from him. "Yes."

"Soooo...you won't mind it so much if I tell you that I..uh..." He began to studder. He was having trouble telling me what he wanted me to hear. He took a deep breath and looked around to see if anyone would be around, though I will never know why. It was still raining. He looked away from me for a moment then looked back at me as if he was holding back tears.

"I kinda liked it."

That made my heart skip a beat. I had no idea that he would enjoy it as much as I did. I wanted to take him where he stood when he told me that.

"I like it a lot, Vin." He chuckled. "Just one thing, though."

"Yes?" I answered. I thought he was going ask me if I would do it again. Of course I would, but I felt bad for thinking that way.

"When I..uh..ya know..in your mouth...did you fuckin' swallow that shit?"

I wanted so badly to laugh in his face, but he looked serious, so I didn't.

"Yes. Fortunately enough, I do not have much of a gag reflex, or else I would have vomitted on you. I did not want to mess up your new clothes by spitting it out on you, and I couldn't hold it in because it could stain your teeth I heard."

Cid's face relaxed a bit. I could see that I had made myself clear as far as my intentions. He began to chuckle again.

"Dammit, Vin! Don't do that shit no more! It's nasty as hell!" He said that as if there were going to be...other times. I wanted then more than ever to take him because I knew now that he was willing to try again.

"Vincent." He called out my name in full. It shocked me because Cid had almost never called me by my full name unless he was going to say something sincere and serious. I looked into those eyes of his and saw fear. What could it be, I thought to myself. I couldn't imagine anything for myself, so I stopped thinking about it and just let him tell me what it was.

"Maybe...we could try it again. Just so you can fuckin' get it right this time!" He gave me this fake grin that I could see right through. I knew he wanted to run up underneath a bed and hide away until I forgot what he said. Instead of nearly fainting from the heat rush that Cid was sending me through, I simply gave a half smile.

"Maybe."