Childress, Texas

June 20, 2000

Jack was standing at a payphone in front of West Texas Gas on the side of Highway 83. He had five dollars worth of quarters in his pocket, but not an ounce of will to use them.

It was around 2:30 on a Tuesday; exactly one week since he'd read Brokeback Mountain and everything had started to change. It was bitchin' hot outside, there was a dark patch of sweat forming on the back of his denim shirt. He took his hat off, wiped his forehead, and looked around to make sure no one was watching him. The place was deserted. Not a soul for miles, unless the station attendant counted, but the pay phone was off to the side of the building, couldn't be seen from inside the store, and when Jack had gone in to pay for some gas he'd taken note that the guy at the counter was busy watching reruns of MASH. Nothing to worry about. Jack had known that this place would be empty, and that was why he'd chosen to come a ways out of town, even though there was an Allsup's convenience store right on Ave. F.

Jack looked at the empty booth in front of him. It was run down and muddy, most likely wasn't used much these days cause folks were buying cell phones. He wrinkled his nose at the thought. Personally, he hated the things, hated that Lureen was always squawking away on hers, and hated that Bobby had bought him one for his 55th birthday. Jack didn't have a clue what to do with the thing. He carried it around with him to please his son, but he never used it, not unless Lureen called, wanting to know where he was. Heck, he didn't even know what his phone's number was. Just relied on the fact that Lureen knew, and left it at that.

He sighed and put his hat back on his head.

"Can't stand here all day, Twist. Ya know what you've gotta do."

Maybe he didn't have to do it, though. It still wasn't too late to just turn back and forget all about it, go on like nothing had changed. Just let things be. Just forget all about Ennis Del Mar and the dreams he had at night, and all the times he'd jerked off thinking about him in the past few days.

Jack looked down at the ground and kicked at the dirt with his boot. He wasn't fooling anyone. He knew it was too late to go back, too late to pretend. He stepped into the phone booth and slid the door closed behind him. It was stifling hot inside, which just made him want to get it over and done with.

"You could be sitting in the comforts of yer own home, right now. Air conditioning keepin' ya cool, glass a' whiskey in hand."

Jack shoved that thought down and picked up the phone. True, he could have made the call from his home phone, could be sittin' back in his favorite chair with his feet kicked up, but something about that didn't seem right. It wasn't just the fact that he didn't want anyone to know about his call, sure it would be a secret at first, but when the phone bill came, Lureen was bound to ask why they had to pay for a long distance phone call to Wyoming. Jack wouldn't have a very good answer since his parents had died several years earlier. But, no, it wasn't just that. It just…didn't seem right to be making this call in his house. He didn't want to talk to the man he'd been fantasizing about for a week surrounded by things that reminded him of his hum drum existence or his passionless life with Lureen. This was something completely knew for Jack, and he couldn't be drowning in sights and smells of his past life while he took care of business.

He tried to stop his thoughts from wandering off and focused on the phone number. It crystallized in his mind and he started to dial, until he remembered the quarters in his pocket. He put in eight quarters, as instructed by the sign on the phone, and then dialed the number that had been running through his head during his days and his dreams since Friday.

The phone started ringing, but the ringing was soft and distant, the miles between suddenly real for Jack, 739 miles to be exact.

Sweat was pouring down his face now (the heat only partially contributing to the torrent), and he couldn't stop swallowing. It felt like his throat was closing up, the sides fusing together until the air passage was only the size of a pinhead.

"Damn, I thought I was nervous when I called Annie's agent! That weren't nothin' compared ta this. Feel like I'm gonna puke."

The phone had only been ringing for a few seconds, but it felt like hours to Jack. His leg was shaking in anticipation of an answer, and his face was so wet from the heat, that he had to blink the sweat away from his eyes like they were tears. He still hadn't decided what he was going to say, figured it was best to just leave it to instinct. Didn't know if that was such a good idea anymore. He'd assumed that smooth talking Jack could take control of any situation.

"Then again, assumin' makes an ass out of you n' me."

Then, a voice came on the line. Jack nearly had a stroke, and then he realized it was a woman. He listened closely and blinked.

"We're sorry, but the number you have dialed, area code, 307-857-4286, has been disconnected. Area code, 307-857-4286, has been disconnected. No further information for area code, 307-857…"

Jack let the phone fall back onto the receiver.

"Well, certainly didn't see that comin'."

He slid the door of the phone booth open and took an appreciative breath of air. Somehow it didn't make him feel any better. He took a few steps out side and fiddled around with his hands. This was one of those moments when he badly wanted a cigarette. He'd quit nearly twenty years before, when news started coming out about how cigarettes gave you lung cancer and all sorts of things. It had been his decision, and then Lureen had followed in his footsteps. One of the first times she'd let herself be influenced by him since Bobby had become a teenager. But even though he'd been nicotine free for so long, he still got horrible craving to smoke. It wasn't very often, usually only when he was under a lot of stress, but whenever the urges came, they came with a vengeance. His palms would start to sweat, and he'd start fidgeting because he didn't know what to do with his hands, wanted to feel a smoke between his fingers, wanted to inhale slowly and let the strong flavor fill his mouth and nose. This was one of those times. He needed a cigarette. Needed one. His eyes darted to the entrance of the small gas station shop.

"It would be easy to get a pack, just one…no one has to know but you."

Jack mulled the thought over, rolled it around, liked the feel of it, but still wasn't convinced. He wasn't very comfortable with how good he was getting at keeping secrets. He'd always been a fairly honest person, and wasn't so sure he liked all the things about him that were changing..

"Fuck it. Lie about on thin', lie 'bout another. Not too hard. You jus' better not get used to all this given inta desires, Twist. Can't be healthy."

Jack walked into the store and bought a pack of Marlboros, then got back in his truck and headed home.

The ride home was a troubled one. His thoughts were all over the place, didn't know what to think on first. It helped that he was sucking hard on a smoke, tossing the ashes out the window of his truck, made his worries seem not as worrisome.

"So his phone's been disconnected. Could mean a number a' things. Could be he just unhooked his phone fer the afternoon, could be he hasn't paid his phone bill in a couple a' months and the phone comp'ny disconnected it. Could be he doesn't live at that address anymore, in which case…"

In which case, he would have no idea how to reach him, unless he waited till the phone book was updated. That would be a year of waiting. Jack shook his head, took a long drag on his cigarette, and sped his truck up. He was cruising down Highway 83, making his way back to his house, but taking the long way.

"What would a man his age be doin' moving around? Little late in life, ain't it? He should be settled down somewhere…married."

Jack's stomach flip-flopped a little. What if he was married? What then? In the story he'd been married to a gal named Alma, but they'd gotten divorced. That didn't mean that he was divorced in real life, and even if he had gotten divorced, he could have gotten remarried.

Jack exited off the highway and slowed his truck up to a red light. His cigarette was already down to the filter, so he tossed it onto the side of the road.

"I'm actin' like I actually know this man. Don't know nothin' bout his life, cept what I read."

The light switched to green and Jack continued driving. He began to realize that he didn't really know anything about him. Just because he was in the book didn't mean everything was true, hell, it might not even be the same person. Must be some other guys with the same name, and like Annie Proulx's agent had said, Jack wasn't the only one with the name Twist. But the story had been true for Jack, up to a point, so did that mean it was as true for Ennis Del Mar? Maybe it was just a coincidence, maybe it was just a guy named Ennis that happened to live in Riverton, Wyoming.

Jack sighed as he approached his street. After a block he turned in to his drive. There was no real way of knowing the truth. No way of telling if Ennis was the person from the story or not. But…it still seemed like too much for just a coincidence. Jack was a character in Brokeback Mountain, and he certainly was real, flesh and blood. What were the chances that Jack would read a story about himself, and then find out that there was a real Ennis Del Mar that lived in Riverton, Wyoming just like the book said? It had to be the same person.

"Maybe he's someone that Annie Proulx knows."

But Annie Proulx certainly didn't know him. She had no clue that there was a Jack Twist living in Childress Texas, and even if that had just been a coincidence, or even if she'd looked up his name and address to try and be accurate about her information in some sick way, it was impossible that she could have known about his childhood, or his parents, or his wife, or his son, or his job working for his father-in-law. Those were details that no one would have known had they not met him. She also had his personality and his speech patterns pegged down. And then there were the strange feelings he'd been having the past few days. The strange thoughts, and desires…how did that fit in? Was it simply because he'd read the story and somehow it'd just piqued his interest? Or was there actually something there? Was there actually a part of him that he'd been denying? And if that was true (which he hoped it wasn't), how did this Annie Proulx have such insight into his life when he didn't have a friggin' clue?

Jack sat in his car, which had been sitting parked in the garage for several minutes, and sighed. He didn't know what to think. There was too much to think on, too much swimming around in his brain.

"I sure do hope he's the Ennis from the story…and I hope he's divorced."

Jack hissed and pinched his nose with his fore finger and thumb.

"And what do you think will happen even if he is? Where are you going with this? What do you want from this man, and more importantly, why do you want anythin' from him?"

He had no idea. He had no idea why he was having these thoughts, but by now it was next to impossible to get them to stop. He didn't know why he hoped that Ennis was divorced, or maybe he did, but he didn't want to admit it. Jerking off was one thing, but this hope he had…he wasn't even sure what the hope was. It was just this odd feeling he had in the pit of his stomach, this odd…need for some sort of…

"Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Enough is enough!"

Jack got out of the truck, slamming the door behind him. He stood next to the sleek F-150 for a minute, looking down, thinking hard on what he was going to do now. He didn't need to go into the office, Eliza was at a friend's house, and he certainly wasn't going to call up that smug bastard, Jeremy Kilburn, to go play golf. Jack let his shoulders slump, and rubbed his neck with a weak hand. He was tired, he was sweating and he just wanted to go lie down and maybe watch some TV.

He walked in through the garage door, laid his keys on the counter, and then headed straight for the bedroom. He tossed his hat on the bed and then went into the bathroom to take a piss. Afterwards he stripped off his clothes, dropping them in a pile on the bathroom floor, and turned on the shower. He just needed to relax, to clear his mind.

He stood outside of the glass shower door, and looked at himself in the mirror above the vanity. Jack let his mouth curl up into a crooked smile. He still had it, wasn't bad looking for a guy in his fifties. He admired his strong features, then made his way down to his chest and stomach. The hair on his chest was still completely black, and he'd lost some of his belly fat in the past year. Lureen had told him to start cutting back on butter and alcohol, and sure as shit, he'd shed about ten pounds. Jack turned to the side and sucked his stomach in a little. When he did that, it was as flat as it had been when he'd been twenty years old. He turned back to face the mirror and admired his dick. Sure it wasn't gigantic, but no one would consider it small, either. And it sure as hell got the job done.

"Not bad, not bad at all. A little rougher 'round the edges, but nothing to be ashamed of."

Jack opened the shower door and checked the water temperature. It was hot enough. He stepped into the marble stall and felt immediate relief as the warm water began to trickle over his neck and back. He closed his eyes, lifted his head up, and let the water get his hair good and soaked.

He let out a shaky breath. He sure had been excitable the past few days. Seemed like all someone had to do was breath the wrong way and he would get antsy.

His thoughts turned back to Ennis.

"It's the knowin', yet not knowin' that's got me all worked up. I'm like a blind man in a bullring. I know it's out there, just don't know where."

The suspense was killing him, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep easy until he knew for sure.

"So what's that mean? That I gotta go out ta the pay phone ev'ry day and call until I get an answer?"

Jack knew that wasn't what he'd do, and even if he did get an answer one day, what then? What would he say? He ran his hands through his hair and continued to let the water soothe him.

"You know this can't be done over the phone. Too impersonal, he'd end up jest hangin' up on ya, like that agent, think yer crazy."

Jack figured he'd think he was crazy no matter what. But he felt like he had to do it, and that left him with only one option.

"Gotta go to Wyoming, talk to him in person. See who this Ennis Del Mar is, and what's so goddamn special about him anyway."

Jack knew the idea was crazy. He knew it to his bones. Knew that if he actually went to Wyoming looking for this man…well, that meant something serious. It meant Jack would be taking something on that was way out of his control. He felt a little like David when he was considering fighting Goliath. Scared as shit, but full of determination.

Jack turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He toweled himself dry and then walked back into the bedroom to get dressed.

Truth was Jack wasn't so sure he had the balls to actually pick up and head to Wyoming. He knew he wanted to, knew he was going to try, but he felt like the slightest bump in the road might scare him off. He just hoped that there weren't too many ahead.

It was late Thursday afternoon. Jack was walking aimlessly around the house trying to find something to do until Lureen came home. He checked his watch.

"Five fifteen. She should be home any minute, now."

He continued to pace from room to room. He couldn't sit, was too damn anxious. He smirked at the fact that if someone had been watching him then, they would have thought he was restlessly awaiting his wife's arrival like a love sick puppy dog. He laughed. What a joke. He was anxious for Lureen to come home, yes, but it wasn't because he wanted to see her. No, Jack had to tell her his plans.

He'd decided the night before that he was definitely going to Wyoming. He'd had the idea earlier that week, but that's all it really was at the time. He'd had no real intention of actually going through with it, no matter how he may have convinced himself at first. But the previous night, when he was lying in bed, wide-awake several hours after Lureen had turned out her light, something had broken in side of Jack, snapped like a twig trying to hold back the Hoover Dam. He'd suddenly realized that going to Wyoming was the only way to soothe his conflicted mind, to finally answer the questions that he had involving himself and involving Ennis Del Mar. Even making up his mind about taking the trip had eased him enough to fall to sleep, though once asleep he was kept busy dreaming.

The next morning he'd gone into the office, to kill the time a little, and to keep up appearances, didn't want everyone knowing that he'd had a life altering experience. Besides, sitting at home, the anticipation to start his journey would have been intense enough to drive a man insane. So instead he'd sat at his desk, stared at his computer screen for a while, chatted with some of the guys in the office while trying to avoid any alone time with Grace-Anne. When lunchtime rolled around, he turned off his computer and jetted out of there, not even bothering to give Lureen a tip of his hat. He'd red lined it all the way back to his house, and nearly drove his truck right into the garage door, he was so impatient. It was still too slow for him, so he turned off the ignition of this truck, left it parked in the drive, and ducked under the rising garage door to get inside the house.

He was itching to be packed and ready to go. He tossed some clothes into a suitcase, enough for at least a week, because he didn't know how long he'd be gone, and gathered a few toiletries. He left his toothbrush out in its little ceramic cup, so he wouldn't forget to brush his teeth in the morning. He was finished with his packing in less than an hour.

When he was done with that, he went out and filled his truck with gas at Allsup's Convenience store and bought a map of the US so he could plot his trip. He hadn't driven to Wyoming in so long, had only made a couple trips there to see his parents since he moved to Texas. It was a shame, but Jack just hadn't had the time to go see them while he was working for Newsome Farm Machinery, which later became Newsome Farm Equipment. It had been more of an excuse than the truth, because Jack had known he could have gotten as much time off as he wanted, and certainly had taken advantage of that, just not to visit his folks.

He sat in his truck for about fifteen minutes while he sketched out his path with a golf pencil that had been sitting in a cup holder under the dash. Then he headed back to his house.

He'd tried watching TV for a while, but he just couldn't get involved with any of the story lines, his stomach was too fluttery to let him focus. So he got up and rooted through the refrigerator. He helped himself to a leftover chicken leg from dinner on Wednesday, ate it cold standing by the sink, looking out the window. When he was done, he couldn't think of anything else to do, so he took a shower and jerked off. It was entertainment. He tried not to think on how easy or how often he'd begun to do that to visions spun from Brokeback Mountain. When he'd put his clothes back on (no need to go dirtying a fresh pair) he began to walk around the house, looking for things that needed fixing that he'd been neglecting. He stopped the spare bathroom faucet from dripping, which had been driving Lureen nuts, and then tried getting the kitchen table to keep from wobbling. He'd noticed that one of the pegs was missing a cap on the bottom, had tried to look for it in the junk drawer in their utility room, and then gave up and just wedged a small piece of cardboard under it. Good as new. Eventually Jack had run out of things to fix and had settled on pacing around the house. Moving kept his stomach from jumping around too much, eased his jittery feet.

He checked his watch again.

"Goddamn! Five twenty-one. It's only been six minutes? Jeezus. Lureen, get your ass home, so I can just put myself outta my misery."

He already knew what he was going to say to Lureen. He knew that letting "salesman Jack" try to take over with Lureen would only end in disaster. Lureen knew salesman Jack inside and out, and she also knew how to eventually get him to stick his foot in his mouth, so the tables were turned. She was a smooth one; he'd give her that.

Just then, as though conjured by his thoughts, Jack heard the garage door open and he knew that Lureen was home. He came quickly into the kitchen, so he could be there to greet her when she came in the door, getting himself ready to dive into the script he'd written.

"Hey there, honey. How was yer day? How 'bout you relax for a few minutes? We can grill out tonight, still got those steaks in the freezer. While we eat, I want to tell you somethin'."

The utility door came flying open and Lureen walked into the kitchen. She dropped her briefcase on the floor and went right past Jack into the bedroom. He turned to follow her.

"Jack don't talk to me right now. I've had a piss poor day, and I just want to be alone. There's leftover chicken in the fridge, make yourself somethin' to eat. I'm going to take a bath and go to bed."

She slammed the bedroom door closed after. Jack stood motionless in the same spot he'd stood before she'd come in, mouth hanging open, the words he'd practiced still on his lips. Nothing seemed to be going the way he expected these days.

Jack sat in front of the television watching some old western with John Wayne and thought on what his next move would be.

He'd made himself a chicken sandwich (Jack was terrible at making pretty much anything except sandwiches) and then he'd called Bobby's house. He talked briefly with Marla, told her he'd be out of town for the next few days, but he wasn't sure exactly how long. Then he'd had a quick word with Eliza, asked her how the book was coming, she filled him in on all the details in a hushed voice because her mama was in the same room with her and still didn't know about the book. Jack smiled. He always cheered up when he talked with his granddaughter, and tonight, the call made him feel tolerably better. He'd told Eliza to be a good girl while he was on his trip and then hung up the phone. Now he just had to tell Lureen. And God forbid telling Lureen anything when she'd had a bad day. It was like trying to tell a mother bear to act rationally while her cubs were getting attacked.

Jack winced at this idea, but finally forced himself to stand and turn off the TV. It was almost ten, and he would be getting up before dawn so he could make it to Riverton by early evening. It had been a while since Jack'd woken up before five, and he wasn't so sure that his body would handle it all that well.

"Well, ya do what ya have ta do."

Jack turned off the rest of the lights in the living room and kitchen and then, with dread, approached the bedroom door. He opened it as quietly as possible and shut it behind him. Lureen was lying in bed with a silk mask over her eyes. The light in the bathroom was still on. He tip toed over to the bathroom, took a leak, and then brushed his teeth and washed his face. He took off his shirt and pants, and folded them on the edge of the bathtub, then flicked the bathroom light off as he went into the bedroom.

"Turn that back on."

Jack froze and then switched the light back on. He'd thought she was asleep, but like in many cases involving Lureen, he was wrong. He shrugged and walked to his side of the bed, crawled in as easily as he could, trying not to shake it too much. He laid on his back and folded his arms under his head. Well, it was now or never. He took in a breath and let it out.

"Hey, Lureen, I wanted ta talk ta ya 'bout somethin'."

She was silent for a few moments, and then sighed. "Well, talk then Jack. I'm listenin'."

"I'm goin' up ta Wyoming tomorrow mornin', gonna go visit my folks land. See what's what."

Lureen was quiet a while longer, but her mouth was pursed like when she was thinking about something real hard. She pulled off her mask, but kept her eyes on the ceiling.

"Well, that's real nice Jack, but why did you wait 'till tonight ta tell me?"

Her voice was level, and he couldn't tell if she was calm or if she was just faking him out. After all these years living with Lureen, he still was awful at reading women. Lureen seemed like another species most of the time. Jack cleared his throat.

"Ya see, I jest decided on it last night after ya went to bed, and I had to pack and plan out the drive today. I meant ta tell you when ya got home, but…well…"

"So ya just decided last night. Just said ta yerself, 'Self, I think I'm gonna go and get in touch with my home land, figure its about time, since I never showed no interest in it before." She sat up on her elbows and turned her face to Jack.

Now he knew she was angry. Was sure of that.

"Lureen, come on. Don't be angry with me. I jest need some time away."

"Sure, you need some time away from all the hard work ya do 'round the office. From all the work you do 'round the house too."

"I fixed the leaky faucet."

"Well thank ya kindly, and fuck you very much! How dare you jest decide that it would be okay ta leave me here ta do all the work! How dare you tell me that ya 'jest need ta get away' when all you do is screw around town doing God knows what, and come into the office a couple times a week. You need ta get away! You're already gone! Feel like I'm talking to a fool, half the time! Ya hardly ever listen to a word I say, and when ya actually do what I tell ya, ya find some way ta screw it up!"

Jack watched her face as she ranted, watched her mouth forming the words and her eyes that were fixed coldly on his. He felt anger building up inside him like hot water in a kettle, tried to hold it back, but knew that there were only so many times when he could duck his head and take it. Only so many times when he could allow himself to be swatted and then grabbed by the back of the neck to have his face shoved in his own mess. He sat up swiftly.

"Lureen will you just shut the hell up fer once! You may not get tired of hearing yer own voice, but I sure as hell do!"

"Jack, don't you dare—"

"No, don't you dare." He cut her off and stared hard into her eyes. She shut her mouth.

"I have been hummin' ta yer tune fer as long as we been married, and I am tired of it! You have never needed me 'round to help run things, not even when Bobby was a boy. Seems like you kept me 'round fer kicks more than anythin' else, and yer father was the same way."

Lureen was as shocked at the words coming out of Jack's mouth as he was.

"Now I know that I haven't been the best a' husbands, but I've always let you do what ever the hell ya wanted, so now I'm gonna do what ever the hell I want. Tomorrow morning, I am leaving for Wyoming and that is that! I am a patient man, and I would usually jest let ya say what ya want, and then go on with my business, but there is only so far one person can be pushed. And I know it won't kill you to be without my presence fer a week, seein' as we only see each other when we absolutely have to."

Jack laid back down and turned away from Lureen, adjusting his pillow under his neck. Lureen sat motionless, speechless for once in her life from seeing this aggressive side of her husband. Her mouth worked up and down as though she were trying to catch the words she wanted to say out of the air.

"Jack…"

"Go to sleep Lureen." He said, his voice muffled from the pillow pressing into his cheek.

Lureen slowly settled herself back under the covers, not sure what had just happened. Jack smiled at the thought of putting Lureen in her place; it was the next best thing to L.D., since he'd passed on.

Jack let his mind calm again, let his anger seep out of him like steam, feeling better than he had in days. He felt in control for once. He looked out the window across from his side of the bed at the half moon. His thoughts returned to Ennis.

"Ennis is lookin' at this same moon, tonight. Maybe he's not that far away after all."

Jack inhaled deeply, and closed his eyes, letting himself drift slowly into sleep, comforted by the thought of Ennis and the road that would lead Jack to him the next morning.