Summery

After finding Tyson in bed with one of her greatest enemies, Hilary comforts herself with her new-found Bitbeast, unaware of the three new competitors for her heart. I'm not really sure what's going to happen with this fic but I will let you know as soon as I do. Like all of my work this is just something that happened to float through the empty void inside my head. Like it or hate it please R and R as honest opinions are always welcomed.

Lamanth: Hey guys sorry for the wait, but I've been doing some reworking of this fic. But what can I say, I'm a Leo and we're perfectionists. But don't worry I haven't really changed anything I've just gone through and added some more detail here and jiggling that bit there. Go and reread it or don't go and reread it, dosen't really matter. A big thank-you to - Lioness Of the fire, kai/hilary all the way, akkiangle, Mina the Mischevious, Iluvbeyblade, MasterLenx, allie oops, Angel del Silencio, Darksouled Saiyanphoenix, Death-Fire-angel, Lady Of The Damned Land and shadowphoenix101! Who all reviewed chapter six!

Muse: Hell yeah. I loved the way all you guys reacted to Minging. Kill the bitch!

Lamanth: Yeah, feel the hate. But I wonder if you all feel the same after you've read this chapter.

Muse: What does that mean?

Lamanth: Read and find out idiot. As always sorry for any bad spelling and if you feel the need to through thing at me please wait until I've hidden behind the sofa kay?

Muse: On with the fic!

"Talking"

'Thinking'

((Bitbeast))

And I've got a longin' that's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time my dear
Tryin' to find the place where I belong

Suddenly I See

Chapter 7: It's Only Words

Ming-Ming's POV

The brunet with tear bright eyes pushed passed me and continued down the corridor. For a moment I stood still. Frozen in place. And then I quietly made my way to my own room. Slow steps. A strange electricity seemed to buzz through my blood stream with each step I took. I concentrated on keeping my face impassive as I walked towards my door, pulling off my gloves as I went.

I stopped in front of room 112 and unlocked the door and stepped through into the cool dark room beyond. Turning I pushed the door shut and rested my head against the cool surface. Dropping the gloves to the floor I brought my fist to my mouth and bit down hard on my clenched hand, in a desperate attempt to trap inside the screams the rose within me. Self-loathing filling my every pore, as I slowly shook from the sobs that I contained within.

I have no idea how long I stood there. It could have been a few minuets or a few hours, time had secede to have any meaning. My breath, which had been coming in shallow rasps, was now low and even. A sign that my crazy emotions were now returning themselves to my control. The roar of my blood in my ears and the pounding of my pulse were the only sounds I could hear.

At last I turned so that my back and not my forehead was pressed against the door. I dropped my fist from my mouth and sighed. The deep imprint of my teeth marring the smooth unblemished skin of my hand. With a few hours my hand would by severely bruised, but I didn't care. I pushed away from the door and slowly made my way to the curtained window. I momentarily paused before with heave fabric of the drapes, before I reached out and tugged the curtains apart.

The bright sunlight flooded into the room, and almost blinding me, but I didn't look away. I knew that behind me the room would be all bright and light, as the sun hit the white walls and picked up the brass handles on the rooms' fittings. But I simply stood there, my back to the splendour of the room. Looking past the bright sun, to the sea beyond, to the point where sea and sky met and seemed to merge. I don't know why but the sight made my want to cry. The feelings that I had held at bay earlier rose once more and threatened to consume me. For an instant I fought, and then I just let the silent tears fall. They fell until I thought I could drown in them, until I felt sure that they would never stop. But they did. They always did.

When at long last the salty liquid had dried on my cheeks, I left my spot before the window and made my way across the white room and into the on suit, where I bather my face with cool clear water. I dried my face and hands with one of the many white fluffy towels that were provided by the hotel. Then I returned to my room and pulled out the chair in front of the dressing table. I sat down and looking up studied the young woman looking back at me from inside the mirror.

I observe her as if she were a stranger to me. A strangely exotic creature, with the small delicate features of a china doll, yet with full cherry red lips. Large brown eyes the colour of milk chocolate un-enhanced by cosmetics, which were fleck with the gold of the sunlight filling the room. All this was off set by the dramatic cascade of thick hair, in the most brilliant shad of aqua-blue. She was outrageous, beautiful, memorable and perfect.

Oh and how I longed to slam my fist into that mirror and shatter that perfect woman in to a hundred thousand pieces. She has haunted my steps since the moment I was born, she is me and I am her. She is the mask that I ware. The world sees her, but they don't know me. No one knows me.

Once more I felt the tears well in my eyes. I dropped my gaze from the face before me and instead looked upon the photo of a young woman in a silver gilt frame. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, her smiling eyes are deep blue, like the sea after a storm and her aqua-blue hair falls loss and free over her shoulders and down her back.

"Mama," I whisper as I slowly trace her face with my fingertip. I gaze to the woman I never knew except in photos and other people's memories, for in giving me life she lost her own.

I let my hand fall from the photo of the only person that has ever truly loved me for who I am, and reached out for the book bound in black leather that sat to my right. The gold edging glinted and flashed in the suns light as I pulled it across the tables' surface. I rolled the blue fountain pen between my fingers for a moment and then opening the diary I began to write.

Jun 13th, Just one more hotel room

Dear M,

30 days have passed, measured in bright colours and the changing winds, still I do not hear from him. I think too much and do not dream. I like it here close to the sea; I can go to a small café on the water front and just sit and let the world pass me by. No one bothers me. The water is a mottled emerald green over the mosaic of sandbars, but deeps to Aqua further out. The blue skies seem to go on forever, peppered with small fluffy white clouds that look like smoke as they drift pass.

I can't complain about my days. It's the nights I dread. When my thought creep back in to the dark crevasses of my mind, and spin their fearful webs. Here at lest I can be out all night, surrounded by people and safe from myself. We fly out I a few days time; I do not want to leave. In my time here I have found the closest thing I have ever known to an inner peace, but it is still not close enough. At times I feel that there is not enough peace anywhere in the world to soothe me, yet still I look.

I can't connect with anyone, no one ever sees the really me. I push everyone away and I know I do. I don't want to but I can't seem to stop it. Even my connection with Venus is fading, weakening. Oh, Venus, Venus. My beautiful bitbeast. You that I have hurt beyond all others, I can say I'm sorry but it will never be enough. The pain I have caused you, I never meant to hurt you. But I know how it cut you to the bone every time I lowered myself. I know the things they call me, slut, whore, and all the rest. It dosen't effect me anymore, I have grown accustomed to it, but to you. I know what they do to you. The pain these names are meant to cause me you feel instead. And I'm so sorry. Each time it happens we drift a little further apart, and I think one day I may lose you forever. And that thought terrifies my beyond all others.

I'm selfish and completely insane to risk my only friend simply to take a lover. Not that there has ever been anything resembling love involved. But I need it. I need it so much because I'll lie in my lovers' arms and for a moment in the glowing aftermath of our union I will find peace. But then it's gone and I go back to endlessly trying to out run my shadow. But for that moment I can pretend that there is someone who actually cares about me. And that's all I want, someone to care about me.

I fear I almost destroyed Hilary Tatibana today. It wasn't, I think sleeping with her boyfriend (not that he deserved her in the first place) I think it was the way I spoke to her afterwards. I tried used the situation, to use her weakens to try and make me feel strong. It didn't work. I didn't want to hurt her but I couldn't stop myself. I hate her. No I hated her. For a long time I hated her she just seemed to be so perfect (I hate that word) and have everything so easy. I hated her for being who she is, everything I'm not. She has everything and I have nothing. Her friends, her team, all of them willing to do anything and everything to help her. It all felt so unfair.

But as we've gone through this tournament I've seen another side to her. She fights for her team and never gives up no matter what. She has a certainty about her life and knows exactly who she is. I want that, but I know I can never have it. She does what she wants because it's the right thing to do, and for no other reason.

I find it hard to imagine why Tyson Granger would have been willing to risk losing this girl, but he was and now he has lost her. And if she has any sense she will never go back to him. Not that I blame Tyson for all that happened, I was just as much my fault as his. But he had everything to lose where as I had nothing. I was living for the moment, which is the only way I can get through my days.

My own team hate and despise me, not that I can blame them for I feel the same way about myself that they do. I push them all away, and then I hurt them to keep them away. I'm no longer in control of who I am anymore, and it's all his fault. How can I relate to people if no one ever torte me how. All my life all I have known is rejection and loneliness.

Hilary has never done anything to deserve the way I treated her. When the rest of her team find out what I've done there will be all hell to pay. I know this, but this is my problem and I must face the consequences of my actions. I must go and find her and apologise. Part of my thinks I should explain the reasons why, but how can I explain what I'm not sure of myself?

I love life and life loves me. I told her that earlier, but it's not true. None of it's true. I want people to get close but every time someone tries I just push them away. Soon I worry that everyone will stop trying. None of them want me, the really me. They want the woman in the mirror not the girl writing in the book. Tyson today, just like all the others before him, they wanted the mask, the charter I play in public. While they fuck the woman in the mirror the girl writing in the book just closes her eyes and pretends it's not happening.

It's been 30 days since I last saw him and he still hasn't phoned. But if I'm honest with myself I knew he wouldn't, after all he never has. But I can't help but hope. Whenever I'm near him I instantly become five years old again. Instantly I'm the small child running desperately to try and keep up with his long strides as he walks out of the door and away from me.

I called out to him but he didn't even slow down. The housekeeper had picked me up as I watched my father walk away from me. It wasn't the first time he had left me and it wouldn't be the last. He has spent most of the last 18 years walking away from me. I should be used to it by now, but every time if feels like someone has taken a knife and driven it deep into my heart.

He's never raised a hand to me. Never even screamed or yelled. All there has ever been was a cold indifference. I was given everything I could have wanted best schools, clothes and whatever else you can think of. The only thing I never had was the one thing I needed. His love.

There are times when I just wanted to scream out to him, 'Daddy, daddy' anything just to get him to notice me. Whatever I do it's never enough, all I've every wanted was to please him. But I never can. I took the only thing he ever loved away from him and he hates me for it. If he would only talk to me I would tell him that I would gladly go back into that limbo where unborn babies are, if by doing so I could bring my mother back to him. But he will never talk to me and so he will never know.

Ming-Ming Pellow

I lay my pen down on the open page and returned to stand by place in front of the window. I didn't move again till long after the sun had set.

Lamanth: So what do you think?

Muse: Don't know. I was quite happy hating Ming-Ming but now I don't know what to think.

Lamanth: Shit Muse that's scary! You're being honest.

Muse: Piss off! And please remember to vote for who Hil ends up with. You can choose from – Kai, Tala, and Brooklyn. Yeah, that's right people just the three of them now. One vote per review. And can anyone guess who 'M' is? It's really easy.

Big luv see ya

Lamanth