"James?!"

Bucky whirled around in the direction he had last seen Harper. He found her closer to shore, fingers clutching at the right side of her face. His heart skipped before accelerating. He began moving immediately, leaving a confused Shuri behind.

"Harper, are you alright?" he asked upon reaching her side. "Is it a cluster?"

"Yeah," she confirmed through her tears. "Fuck, fuck, fuck…"

"Shh, shh, it's okay," he breathed, wrapping his arm around her shoulders to support her. He gently guided her to keep moving forward and they slowly returned to dry land.

Barely out of the water, Harper stumbled. Bucky caught her before her knees could hit the sand, but her soft cries had turned to full sobs. The fast footfalls of Shuri running toward them met his ears. He glanced her way, noted her worried expression, and shook his head to indicate she shouldn't get involved. Turning back to Harper, he asked, "Darlin', can you put your arms around my neck?"

She weakly complied, body shaking with continued sobs. Her right eye was swelling shut. He wound his arm around her waist and hoisted her up. The former soldier stood, pressing her securely against him. Her sobs quieted to whimpers as she buried her face in his neck, and her fingers flexed and twitched against his shoulder blades.

"S-sorry," Harper choked out.

"You don't need to apologize, doll. C'mon, let's get you back home."

Bucky looked over his shoulder at Shuri, who was gathering their towels and clothes. He figured she would catch up and wanted to get Harper out of the heat and sun, so he headed back in the direction of his small home. She moaned and pressed her face harder into the crook of his neck. His chest was tight and his eyes stung with unshed tears.

It was always painful to watch Harper go through a cluster. Somehow, it felt like it had been a long time since he'd had to bear witness to one, even though it wasn't something he felt he could ever get accustomed to. As much pain as he'd witnessed in his life, there was something particularly disturbing about seeing her hurting. The way the agony took her so suddenly, so completely, was terrifying. She went from happily drifting around the small lake to incapacitated in moments and with barely enough warning to call for him. And there was ultimately nothing he could do for her.

Harper's nails bit into the skin between his shoulder blades as she twitched again. Her body trembled and a sob parted her lips again. She squeaked, "I need to fucking move!"

"I know, darlin'," he murmured. "Almost there, okay?"

After picking up the pace a bit more, it wasn't much longer before he was met with the issue of how to open the door with his one arm around Harper. "Sweetheart, I need to put you down for a second. Can you stand?"

She lowered her feet to the ground and he cautiously let her go. Her face fell to her hands and she began rocking back and forth on her heels. Bucky opened the door and gently ushered her inside. Harper allowed him to nudge her toward his bed and she sunk to it, fingers curling into a fist against her streaming right eye. He moved to the bathroom and came back with a wad of tissues, which she promptly accepted and used to stem the flow of mucus from her nose and cover her eye. Her limbs curled inward and her forehead fell to her knees as she began rocking back and forth, an occasional choked sob punctuating the silence.

"Sergeant Barnes?"

Bucky turned at the soft voice, not bothering to correct Shuri for once. He glanced at Harper before exiting the hut, closing the door behind him to give her a modicum of privacy. "C'mon."

Shuri followed him the short distance away to the goat pasture. He leaned on the fence, letting out a shaky sigh. The young princess asked, "Are you alright?"

"I'm okay," he muttered. "'S just hard to see her like that."

"What's… happening to her?"

Wearily, Bucky explained the cluster headaches. Shuri listened attentively, brow furrowed in the way that meant her brain was already working overtime trying to figure it all out. With a shake of his head, he concluded, "So now another cycle has begun. And she's going to have to live through weeks of pain without her oxygen again, because I made her come here."

"I doubt that she feels you made her do anything, Sergeant," Shuri disagreed. "Regardless, it looks like I should leave you alone. I'll be in the lab."

She offered him a bundle of towels and clothing. With a small smile, Bucky replied, "Thanks, Shuri. Visits may need to be kept to a minimum for the next few weeks."

"Of course," she agreed with a short bob of her head. "Take care of yourself, too, please."

Bucky forced another smile and nodded back.

"Did you bring your medication?" James whispered into her hair.

Harper thought briefly about nodding her confirmation, but decided she didn't want to move her head at all. In a voice hoarse from crying, she muttered, "Yeah, I did. The prescription still just doesn't allow me enough to get by without oxygen."

"I'm sorry, doll," he breathed, fingers stroking gently through her hair.

"It's not your fault. Even if I was at home, I'd be suffering since my doctor is a douchebag."

"Is it not better now that you're back in the States?"

Harper breathed deeply through her nose. "No. He doesn't believe I really get clusters, so he won't give me the referral I need to see a specialist who is actually educated in how to treat them. Plus he convinced my useless neurologist of this, so I don't even have the prescription to get oxygen anymore, regardless of where in the world I am."

"He doesn't-?!" James exclaimed heatedly. "What the fuck?"

"He thinks I have a low tolerance for pain, that these are actually migraines, and that some rushed doctor in the hospital just took my warped sense of pain at face value and misdiagnosed me with cluster headaches. Migraine treatment doesn't involve oxygen, so…"

She felt the anger rolling off his tense form, though his fingers remained careful and gentle in her hair. It was quiet for a moment before he replied tightly, "I've seen a lot of pain in my life, Harper. Clearly he hasn't, or he'd see how real yours is."

"I was looking for a new doctor before I came here. Just have to keep looking when I get back." The brunette turned her face to rest in the crook of his neck and shoulder. James pressed his thumb into the area at the top of her nape, massaging tenderly. Harper let out a sigh of appreciation, curling further into him. "Thank you."

"I wish I could do more."

"You've done so much more for me than I imagined someone could," she admitted. Pressing a kiss to the curve of his neck, the brunette then asked, "Are you alright? I know it's hard for you to live through this with me."

There was a long stretch before James admitted lowly, "I hate seeing you in pain."

She heard the distress in his voice and wrapped an arm around him. "I don't want you to have to."

"I won't leave you alone."

"I'd understand if you did," Harper assured. "This is going to be the first cycle you really see in its entirety. I know it was hard for you to watch me go through this back in Bucharest, but that was still only a fraction. I dragged my exhausted ass out of bed to shower when you were coming over, gave in to your begging me to eat a lot of days. You saw the best of my worst. This is going to be my worst."

After a beat, a wry chuckle rumbled in the former soldier's chest. "Are you trying to push me away, doll?"

"Maybe a little. I don't want to upset you, but I'm also worried about the consequences of you seeing this. Me. Everything."

"Why?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused. Harper didn't reply, cheeks warming with embarrassment and distress. After a long moment, James muttered, "Oh."

"Oh?" she repeated hesitantly.

"You're having trouble being vulnerable, right?" The brunette nodded before pressing her face harder into him. James pressed, "Trouble being vulnerable in answering my question, or trouble with me seeing you vulnerable in a full cluster cycle?"

"Both," admitted the brunette.

"Can I… do anything to help?" he asked unsurely. Harper frowned, her sluggish brain unable to find the words to a reply that felt both truthful and safe. Gently, the brunet continued, "I missed out on a lot of time with you, doll. A lot of time we could've grown and learned to understand each other without the secrets."

There was a long pause as Harper chewed her lip. Finally, she managed, "You love me, in part, because I'm strong."

She refused to look up at him, but could sense he was thoroughly mulling over what she'd said. Sounding the most unsure he'd been thus far, James asked, "Do you think I'll fall out of love with you by seeing the full scope of the clusters? That I'll think you're weak and that will change my feelings for you?"

Her hand automatically tightened on his t-shirt hearing her fears and insecurities spoken aloud in the space between them. She muttered an acknowledgement, "It's not rational…"

"Darlin', the love I have for you isn't that shallow."

"I know that," she murmured. She held him tighter. "I didn't mean to imply that it is."

"I didn't take it that way," James replied, sounding frustrated with himself. "I just… want to reassure you. I can't deny that I love your strength, but I've never seen your clusters as a weakness. You're all the stronger for surviving. And I want to support you. I love feeling like you need me, like I can do something good."

The brunette could easily read into the sentiment and see his own traumas bubbling to the surface. He'd long convinced himself that he couldn't be a monster if he kept her company. She wasn't ignorant to that, or the idealized vision of her he saw. Ultimately, she knew that even if he idealized her, he still knew the real her. But maybe there was some pressure there to be that ideal.

"What are three things you don't like about me?" Harper asked, the words rushing from her mouth before she could really decide if it was a question she should ask.

"What?" asked James, appropriately thrown.

"There have to be things you don't like about me," Harper rationalized, committing to the line of thinking she had brought up since it was already out there. "That you love me despite?"

Catching on to what she really was looking to get out of his answering the question, James hummed in thought. His fingers returned to gently massaging and scratching the nape of her neck, the movement gentle and automatic as his mind drifted. After a beat, he said, "You're the most stubborn woman I've ever met. Tied for most stubborn person I've ever met, actually."

"Tied with Steve?" Harper guessed, relaxing her grip on his t-shirt.

"Absolutely," he chuckled. More seriously, the brunet continued, "But that's something I do find frustrating sometimes. I don't offer things that I don't want to do for you, I don't try to protect your feelings by acting unbothered. I'm genuinely laid back, and I love you and want to dote on you. But you tend to be stubborn about your independence, and that keeps me from feeling totally fulfilled as a partner. But I love you anyway."

"What else?" she prompted.

James inhaled deeply as he fell back into thought. Slowly, he replied, "I find it frustrating that you're so self-critical."

"Fair," Harper allowed.

"I don't know what to say sometimes, because I know nothing will change your mind. I just wish you saw yourself the way I do." He pressed a kiss against her temple and then was silent again. Finally, he concluded, "I don't like your barriers. I know you have a hard time being open, but I guess I don't know what else I can do that you'll feel like you can be open with me."

Pressing her face harder against him she murmured a meek apology. His arm shifted, wrapping around her more firmly. "Harper, I know you aren't perfect. I don't expect you to be. But I do see so much good in you, and I've needed that. I've needed to learn that I can live in the light."

"Has the lesson been learned?"

He hummed his confirmation. "And you reinforce it every day."

"Thank you."

A week passed by agonizingly slowly. Bucky had to admit to himself that some of Harper's concerns about his being able to see the extent of her pain were valid. It was as emotionally trying as some of his worse flashbacks. It was like her body was attacking itself, efficiently and consistently, day after day, in the late morning, late afternoon, and night. And she somehow had to keep pushing through classwork between the headaches.

He watched her struggle to push herself to be productive, to maintain her regular schedule as much as possible, to stay properly showered. But as the week closed and the next began, he could see her determination wavering. She was always a realist and she was clearly concluding that bullheadedness wouldn't be enough to keep going as if things were all okay.

One morning, as they lay in bed together enjoying the early rays of sun streaming through the windows, he said so. "Harper, you don't need to push yourself to save face in front of me."

"I'm only going to do it for the time that I can," she muttered. "I know I don't need to for you, but I need to for me."

"Okay," he replied gently, scratching his fingertips along the nape of her neck idly. "Can I ask you to explain what you mean?"

"I need to know that I'm not weak. I can't tolerate that for myself, even putting aside my fears about your feelings. Because when you're weak, you fail, and failure hurts."

Bucky's chest felt tight with emotion. He knew that everyone had their issues, but hearing Harper's was painful. He just wanted her to be happy; she deserved that. But hearing her reveal those issues also felt good, like she was really leaning into her trust that he would accept her. "Thank you for telling me."

"Can we discuss something?" Harper asked, sounding somewhat hesitant. "I'd wanted to ask about it back in Bucharest but never quite got around to it before…"

"Of course," he agreed easily. "What's been on your mind, doll?"

The brunet dropped her gaze to somewhere around his sternum. "Do you think it would be possible to continue having sex, at least if we're both feeling up to it, during the clusters?"

"Would you really want that?" he asked, brows rising.

"Sometimes," she nodded once. "I don't want this condition to completely derail things. I want to live my usual life as much as possible, to beat these clusters as much as I can. Take back my power from all this pain."

Bucky thought this over for a moment. It made sense. And he had always noticed that she was particularly tactile during the clusters. However, abstaining hadn't been total selflessness and his assumption she wouldn't want to entertain any sexual advances during such a difficult time. He had fears of his own and a desire for self-protection as well. "After we made up from our big fight back in Bucharest, we were kissing and getting a little more heated when a cluster started. It was horrible for me to be touching you and then for you to express so much pain. Even though I quickly realized it wasn't me that had caused it… the whole thing triggered a lot of my own shit."

"Once we've established the cluster schedule… would it still be too scary to risk working around when I'll get them?"

"It's still intimidating," he admitted. "But… we could try?"

Harper finally met his gaze with a frown. "I don't want to pressure you if it's something you don't want to do. I can't imagine how much it would have hurt for me to have such a bad reaction while you were touching me, and I can see why it would be scary to experience that again."

"Are you wanting to try just to maintain a sense of normalcy and as part of your fight against the clusters? Or do you actually still want to have sex even when you're feeling like this?" he asked. "Because I know I'm probably beating a dead horse by saying this, but it's really not fun for me when you're not enjoying it, too."

"I know," she said gently, a fond smile lifting her lips. Her fingers rose to curl around his forearm, skimming the skin there. "Which is truly endearing, by the way. But yeah. Although not nearly as often as under normal circumstances, I've still gotten turned on and craved closeness with you. And, honestly, my need to feel good in some way is rather high during the clusters, and I know you can give me that in many ways, sex being one of them."

Bucky pursed his lips. Slowly, he decided, "I would be willing to try if we're mindful of your schedule and if you're actually feeling like it's the sex you want, not just the routine. I'd feel more comfortable supporting you in other ways if you're wanting to feel more like yourself."

"Okay," Harper nodded her agreement. "Is… now a bad time to mention that I brought this up because I woke up horny?"

Bucky snorted a chuckle. "No, it's not a bad time. Maybe talk dirty to me a little – explain to me what you're dealing with and how you wanna fix it – and I think I can get into the right mindsight."

"Well, it's been eight days," Harper lamented with a teasing pout to her lips. "Eight days of being painfully empty. I was hoping…"

And, goodness help him, the obscenities that fell from her lips had him hot and hard in short order.

A/N: Hello and many thanks for all the support. I'm enjoying hearing your feedback and hope you can continue sharing your reactions with me!