The long and winding road
that leads to your door
will never disappear;
I've seen that road before.
It always leads me here,
Lead me to you door.
The wild and windy night
that the rain washed away,
has left a pool of tears; crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way…
Many times I've been alone
and many times I've cried.
Anyway you'll never know
the many ways I've tried.
But still they lead me back
to the long winding road.
You left me standing here
a long, long time ago.
Don't leave me waiting here,
Lead me to your door.
"Jack…" Ennis Del Mar spoke, his voice barely above a whisper. The sun was straight overhead and it illuminated everything to an unnatural shade, made Ennis seem like some sort of angel, his soft hair golden and shining, the sea of deep green and blue from the grass and sky his halo. Nature's everyday noises buzzed and hummed in the bushes and trees, and in the distance a car could be heard driving down the dirt road, it's wheels and engine alien against the sounds of insects and birds chirping and cooing.
Jack gripped the door handle, felt his stomach begin its long climb back to its rightful place, the shock slowly beginning to dissolve, loosening his mouth into a smile and allowing him to open the door a little wider. He stepped back.
"Wanna come in?" They seemed the most natural words for the moment.
Ennis ducked his head slightly and stepped into the open hall, its white walls immaculate, making the entrance of the house look bigger. His boots echoed on the hard wood floor. Jack closed the door then turned to face Ennis.
He was wearing a nice white and blue striped shirt, tucked into his jeans, and was still twisting his hat around in his hands, moving it absently from side to side. He looked into Jack's eyes. His own were troubled, as though he expected the worst, as though he hadn't noticed how Jack was smiling like a fool. He jumped right to the point.
"Jack…" He cleared his throat. "I dunno what to say, I've never been in this situation before, never…fought fer what I wanted…" He cut his eyes off to the side.
Jack felt something blossom in the pit of his stomach and he couldn't keep himself from touching that man standing in front of him (so unsure) for a second longer. He took two steps to where Ennis stood and grabbed his face in both his hands, forced Ennis to look at him.
For a minute he couldn't say anything, was too taken with the softness in Ennis' eyes, too distracted by the warmth of his cheeks, the life that coursed through him. He was suddenly struck with this man's humanity, suddenly painfully aware that here stood another man, a separate living being that cared for him and wanted him. He felt his heart rate quicken and sucked in a deep breath, ran a thumb over the side of Ennis' cheek.
"Goddamn boy, you certainly know how ta surprise someone."
Jack stole a glance at his mouth, saw his lips were slightly open, inviting. He brushed his fingers over Ennis' mouth, like a blind man might commit someone's face to memory, closed his eyes. He heard Ennis' hat drop to the ground, felt his arms wrap around him and pull him into a fierce bear hug, holding him tight, grabbing at his shirt, his face buried in his neck, the best feeling in the world, hot breath on his skin as he muttered,
"Thought I'd never see you again. Damn Jack, though I'd lost you fer good."
Jack held onto that man like a life saver, felt all the emotion he'd been holding in the past week bubble up over his lips and he was laughing, laughing like he hadn't laughed since he'd left Ennis, a joyful sound, a relief. He pulled away slightly and grabbed Ennis' face in both hands once again.
"You'll never loose me, even when ya get sick a' me and want to." He grinned and laughed some more. Ennis' eyes made tracks over Jack's face, seeming to reassure himself that Jack was really there in his arms.
"I don't really know what's goin' on here…" The sides of his mouth quirked into a small questioning smile.
Jack just laughed harder. "Ennis, I don't either." He liked how it felt to have Ennis' face between his hands, liked the roughness against his smooth open palms, felt so right, so natural. In one quick movement Jack brought his mouth to Ennis', sucking his lower lip between his own, licking the little indentation between his chin and mouth.
He heard Ennis make a soft noise, more a little sigh of relief, and his body relaxed into his, pressing against him, their chests and stomach and legs melding together till they could have been one person. Ennis brought his hand to the back of Jack's head and then let it trail down through his hair, massaged the nape of his neck. Jack's own hands were busy moving slowly down Ennis' back, heading towards his ass, wanting to touch and fondle him, wanting to feel his naked skin, the weight and warmth of him in his hands—a feeling Jack for a while had crazily been willing to give up. He ran lazy circles over the seat of Ennis' jeans with his fingers, and then Ennis' deepened the kiss, taking his tongue into his mouth, sucking and licking, breathing out, soft, short moans and breaths growing louder, heavier.
Jack felt his dick press against his jeans, felt his whole abdomen tingle as a shiver ran down his spine—he fed greedily on this moment, not wanting it to stop, like a person breaking a fast after two longs months. Jack moved his right hand away from Ennis' ass and brought it to the front of his jeans, slowly ran over the hardening bulge, kneading and rubbing his dick, wanting to unzip him so he could wrap his hand around it, big and warm and hard just for him.
Ennis broke the kiss but didn't separate their bodies. He looked at Jack, eyes dark with lust, then closed them, tilted his head back slightly, a moan of pleasure slipping past his lips. Jack felt his dick throb at the sight and moved his other hand to Ennis' zipper, started to undo his jeans. Ennis cleared his throat.
"Jack."
Jack licked his lips, didn't want to stop, nuzzled Ennis' face and nose with his own, eyes closed, breathing still heavy.
"Yeah?" He dragged the zipper down and slowly moved his hand south into the front of Ennis' pants. Ennis grabbed his hand. Jack opened his eyes.
"Much as I like where this is goin', I need ta know what's happenin'." He swallowed and took in a breath, obviously trying to control himself.
Jack leaned forward pressed his face into Ennis' neck, sucked on the skin right below his ear, licked and nibbled down his neck.
"What's happenin' is I'm tryin' to get you ta take me ta bed." He mumbled the words between kisses and licks.
Ennis lifted his chin, giving Jack access as he made a trail towards his chest.
"No, really." His voice was thick, distracted. "I…mean…I guess I didn't know what to expect when I got here, but I was thinkin' there'd be more of an' uphill battle."
Jack kissed Ennis' collarbone once more, quick and dry, and then stepped back. "I can see where you'd be confused." He couldn't keep from smiling like a fool, figured his face might get stuck that way (like his Ma always used to tell him) if he kept it up.
"And I sure as hell am." He cleared his throat again, moved his shoulders like he was trying to clear his mind, trying to collect himself. "Though certainly is a pleasant surprise."
Jack sighed. He realized that whatever he wanted to do would have to wait a little bit longer. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, getting some of the wet off. "Come on into the kitchen."
He walked down the hall, stepping over his bag and led Ennis into the stone tiled kitchen. Ennis stepped over the bag as well, gave it a good look. "Were you goin' some where?"
Jack smiled to himself. "I was about ta head over to the airport to fly ta Wyoming."
That stopped Ennis in his tracks. "To Wyoming?" His voice was quiet, surprisingly soft.
Jack nodded and motioned for Ennis to take a seat at the kitchen table. Ennis walked to the chair closest to the window (the chair Jack had called him from two nights ago), boots clacking on the cold stone floor, and sat down.
"You want somethin' ta drink? A beer?"
"Water?"
"Sure thing." Jack went to the cabinet, pulled out a small juice glass and then grabbed the Brita pitcher from the fridge and filled it up. He handed the glass to Ennis and he nodded in thanks. The doorbell rang. All at once, Jack remembered the taxi he'd called.
"Ah, shit. Hold on there a minute, bud."
He ran up to the door, cursing himself now for calling the stupid airport's cab service, and opened it. A small man wearing a Rangers baseball cap and a worn leather jacket stood chewing gum on Jack's porch.
"Ready ta go?"
Jack smiled apologetically. "Uh, actually, I won't be needin' yer services now. Plans changed."
The small man's face fell. He stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets. "You jest want me to head on back?"
Jack pulled out his wallet, sorted through his stack of bills. "How much would it a' been to get there? I'll pay you. Awful sorry 'bout the trouble." But he couldn't really feel bad about anything at the moment.
The man smacked his lips, chewing like a cow on cud. "Would a' cost ya 'bout 80 bucks, plus tip."
Jack nodded, pulled out a one hundred dollar bill and folded it into the man's hand. "Here ya go. Keep the change. Sorry again 'bout the inconvenience."
The man smiled at the size of the tip and nodded his head. "S'alright, mister. Nice doin' business with ya."
Jack closed the door and sighed, pushed the taxi driver from his mind and bounded back into the kitchen. "Sorry 'bout that Ennis. I called a taxi ta take me to the airport."
"Didn't wanna drive?"
Jack shook his head and leaned down on the table, hands fanned out over the wood. "Nope. One—I'm fuckin' tired a' drivin' to Riverton. Two—my truck broke down once and fer all jest a little ways from here."
"What happened?"
Jack waved away the comment. "Story fer another day." They were silent for a minute, Jack standing near the table and Ennis looking around the kitchen, obviously trying to take it all in.
"Sure is a nice place you got here."
"What workin' at Newsome Farm Equipment will get ya after a while."
Ennis seemed to let that idea roll around his mind. He lifted his glass to take a sip.
"Yer wife Lureen here?"
Jack shook his head. "Nah, she's at work, I think. She might be off with her boyfriend, though."
Ennis spit his water back into the glass and coughed. Jack stepped closer and slapped him on the back.
"You okay?"
Ennis nodded and took in a deep, shuddered breath. He looked up at Jack with big questioning eyes. "What in the hell's been goin' on here, Jack?"
Jack shook his head and sat down across from Ennis. "Friend, so much's happened in the past week, hell, in the past few days. I don't even know where ta begin."
Ennis was silent. Jack looked across the table at him and felt his heart soften. "Damn Ennis, I can't believe you're really here. What made ya come? I would a' never guessed you would a gotten in yer truck and driven all the way down here. I…I don't even know what ta say."
Ennis took another sip of water and set the glass down, folded his hands on the wooden table. "You tell first, you got so much ta say."
Jack raised one eyebrow and smirked. "Oh I see, yer playin' that game, huh?"
Ennis shook his head. "No games. No more."
Jack nodded, understood what Ennis was saying and leaned forward on the table with his elbows. "Me n' Lureen are gettin' a divorce."
Ennis was silent for a minute, took another sip of water, blinked. "Okay."
Jack tried to read Ennis' face for any trace of excitement, but if there was he was doing a good job hiding it. He looked off to the side.
"She told me yesterday mornin' that she wanted one because she'd found herself a new man, a man who made her happy." He shook his head again. "I'll tell ya, I was shocked as hell, though I should a' known all along, she's been acting different fer weeks, but I've been so damned distracted I never noticed."
He poured more water in Ennis' glass then grabbed it and took a sip himself. Ennis remained silent.
"Anyway. So that's one thing. Then…" He looked back to the man sitting across from him—Ennis' eyes intently locked on his own, brown and shining, face open and listening. He felt a ball of emotion, of love, well in the back of his throat and he coughed, made like it was a tickle.
"Then…I had a realization. Somethin' sort a' hit me, in a funny way. And…" He couldn't seem to get the words out, couldn't formulate what he had in his mind to make any sense. Ennis sat patiently, the water in front of him forgotten.
He swallowed. "When I called you a couple nights ago, I was real mixed up, not thinkin' straight. I don't know if I'd ever been thinkin' bout things the right way till now." He paused, took another sip out of Ennis' glass.
"Ya see, before, I was all caught up in the story, constantly thinkin' bout what it meant and what this meant," he gestured to the space between them. "And doin' that I missed the point. The book don't matter, it's almost…it's besides the point. However Annie Proulx came up with it and however closely it parallels our lives—forget it. What matters," Jack made sure Ennis was looking in his eyes, wanted to get his point across here, know for certain Ennis' understood him. "What matters is that the book led me to you. With out it, I'd never a' known you existed, and then where'd I be?"
Ennis looked down at his hands, fiddled with them absent-mindedly. Jack stood up and sat in the chair next to Ennis, scooted it close so that their knees touched.
"Ennis, I love you. And I don't love you because a' the book, like I might a' thought there fer a while, but because…" He searched for the reason in his mind, found something that he could hold on to, clung to it with all his life.
"You are the only one that's looked me in the eye and really given a shit about me. You didn't even know who I was and yet you were willin' ta help me, to look after me." Jack felt his eyes and mouth twitch, felt hot tears build up, and sharp pain in his throat, but he wouldn't let the tears fall.
"I've felt alone most a' my life. I don't know why, and maybe it's partially my fault, but you were the first person that made me feel like maybe I wasn't alone, that maybe there could be more…" He swallowed hard, let out a shuddering breath and a little sob that he'd been trying to hold back.
Ennis turned in his chair, grabbed Jack's hand and gently kissed the palm, his lips tickling the soft, clammy skin. Jack closed his eyes and reached out with his other hand to grab the back of Ennis' head, pulled their mouths back together, urgently, tenderly, hot lips and spit.
"Jack, I need ya so bad. Never needed anythin' like this." Words whispered between kisses, silent, barely audible.
Jack stood up, pushed Ennis back into his own chair and climbed on top of him, never separating their mouths. He probed his tongue deeper and deeper into his mouth, moving up and down, rubbing his ass against Ennis' hard cock, rubbing his own throbbing dick on Ennis' stomach. He rocked back and forth, up and down, panting into Ennis' mouth, his tongue licking, his teeth biting. Ennis' hands dropped to Jack's hips and held them, aided his movement up and down, the friction between their jeans almost too much to bear.
Ennis pulled his mouth away suddenly and brought his hands down to Jack's belt, unbuckled and worked the button and zipper of his jeans furiously, his hands shaking. Jack took the hint, started on the buttons of Ennis' shirt, couldn't get them open fast enough and ripped it open, stray buttons flying across the kitchen, the sounds of them hitting the ground echoing around the room—one landed in the metal sink with a loud, "clink". He stood up and stripped his own shirt off, practically jumping out of his pants; Ennis fiddling madly with is own jeans and pulling them down, revealing his erect penis, red and dripping from the dry friction of their thrusts. All rational thought flew out the window as Jack spit into his own hand and wrapped his fingers around Ennis. Ennis moaned and let his head fall back, eyes closed, mouth open. Jack spit more into his hand, slicking up Ennis' dick and positioned himself over him.
He sucked in a breath and relaxed, then sat down, positioning Ennis with his hand, pressing his dick into the opening of his ass. He closed his eyes, wincing with pain and with the anticipated pleasure. The burn felt good, something he'd gotten used to up on Brokeback and had then questioned once he'd returned to Childress. It had taken all this, (Leroy, Lureen, Bobby, Teeny, Eliza) to realize that this is what he wanted, he wanted Ennis in him, with him, where ever he went, Ennis, Ennis, Ennis.
And then he was back on his lap, his balls and dick pressed against Ennis' stomach, his thighs resting on top of Ennis' thighs. He lifted himself up slightly and then brought himself down. Ennis moaned and closed his eyes, clenched his jaw like he did so often, but not from anger, no, far from it. He let his hands run from Jack's chest back to his hips, held on while Jack slowly bucked up and down. Jack let out a grunt of discomfort, shifted his weight slightly and then lifted up again, and when he came back down, he felt it, that sharp pang of pleasure—sent shock waves through his balls and dick.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh Ennis." His voice sounded pained, whimpering.
He continued to move and each wonderful buck sent wave after wave of ecstasy through his dick. He felt his eyes close and he moved faster, his leg muscles already getting tired, but not caring, not caring about anything except this feeling, oh god more, this feeling, oh god.
Ennis was panting, and soon their breaths were almost in synch, their movements, though small, in perfect timing. Ennis lifted up and Jack came down, intensifying the pang, rocketing him through the roof. Jack grabbed Ennis' shoulders and squeezed into his soft flesh, held on while their groins bucked and thrust into each other. He opened his eyes and looked down at the man underneath him, his eyes squinty shut, his mouth still hanging open, his golden hair starting to darken with beads of sweat--Jack felt his heart swell, felt like he might explode from the sight of that man, helpless and loving him, wanting him, wiling to drive down to Texas and fight for him.
He stroked the side of his face, gently ran his fingers over his cheek, then over his mouth. He played with Ennis' lips and to his surprise, Ennis sucked Jack's fingers into his mouth, teasing them and licking at them as though it was actually Jack's dick. Jack moaned.
"Oh god. Ennis, so good. Uh, so good."
Their speed quickened and Ennis' sucking intensified, but Jack pulled his hand away and instead tilted Ennis' face up towards his and brought their lips together, returning the favor and playing with his tongue. Ennis' whole being hummed with electricity and then his hand was on Jack's dick, massaging the tip, the way he knew drove Jack crazy, massaging it, running one finger back and forth over the head, making lazy circles.
It was too much, all that feeling at once, and Jack felt the end gaining on him. He bucked faster as though he was trying to catch up with his orgasm or outrun it completely. Ennis' moaned into his mouth and Jack felt Ennis' stomach muscles and legs tense, he was close too. He parted their mouths to whisper,
"Shit Ennis, once more, Ennis, shit." One last thrust, and then it was all over and he was spilling over Ennis' fingers onto his chest and he was shaking from the force of it, lifting his hips up and up, yelling out.
And then he collapsed forward, exhausted and yet alive, more alive than he'd felt before, more so because now he knew what this really meant, now he understood this was life, that it really wasn't "no story".
He panted and finally felt his heart rate slow, felt Ennis breathing shallowly into his neck. He sat up and cupped Ennis' cheek, suddenly realizing he wasn't sure if Ennis finished.
Jack frowned. "Did you come, baby?"
Ennis' was still panting and he swallowed. "Damn. Sure did. Same time as you."
Jack felt his lips curl at the corners. In the mad rush of things, his own heated passion, he hadn't even noticed, had sort of blacked out everything except what he was feeling in between his legs and in his heart.
He chuckled. Ennis wrapped his arms around Jack's back, brought his head to his chest and squeezed tight. They held each other like that for a few seconds and Jack played with Ennis' curls, faded, not so golden as they'd probably been in his youth, but bright nonetheless.
He felt Ennis' throat working against him. "Jack, I don't have fancy words like you do."
Jack quieted his thoughts and listened intently to the muffled voice coming from underneath him. He rested his chin on the top of his head, his silence encouraging Ennis to continue.
"I've never been good with expressin' the way I feel. Never done what I really wanted neither, always held back, afraid a' things…"
Jack's heart beat a little faster and he continued to slowly stroke Ennis' hair, trying to ease him into continuing. There was a pause, and Ennis' chest rose, moved against Jack's.
"But the thing is…I can't imagine livin' without this any longer. I never known anythin' like it before. Never had the chance, never gave myself the chance, but somethin' bout that dumbass smile a' yers made me wanna try."
He felt Ennis' shudder underneath him, felt drops of warm wetness on his stomach and realized Ennis was crying.
"Jack," His voice was low, so quiet, afraid still. "I wanna be with you." He paused again. "This past week's been like hell fer me. I'd never known bein' alone could be so hard till I spent time with you." He shuddered again, and Jack tightened his grip. "I don't wanna be alone anymore. Damnit."
Ennis sucked in a breath, couldn't hold back his sobbing noises any longer. Jack just held him there, in the kitchen of his old home, the afternoon stretching out. He held him, comforted him, and took comfort in him. He made soothing sounds with his mouth, rocked him slightly like he would a child. They sat that way for several minutes, till Ennis' tears had stopped, till all was quiet and warm. Suddenly Jack remembered something.
"Ennis, I gotta get up fer a second." As much as he loathed the idea. He stood carefully, Ennis slipping out of him slowly, and then he sprinted out the kitchen and down the hallway, feeling cold away from his man.
"You are naked as the day you were born walkin' past those windows, I hope you realize." Ennis called after his retreating form, voice still shaky from tears.
"No one's gonna be standin' outside lookin' in, ya ninny. Not like they wanna see an old man naked anyway."
Ennis chuckled, a quiet sound, but something Jack could hear from down the hall.
"You are crazy, Twist. Knew that the moment I met you."
Jack grinned, unzipped his suitcase and grabbed the shirt he'd stuffed inside only an hour or so earlier. He walked back into the kitchen.
"That's what ya like 'bout me though, right?"
He sauntered over to Ennis and sat back on top of him, settling himself down.
"Like I said once before, you ain't the lightest thing in the world." Ennis had a faint smirk on his lips, that expression he got when he was joking around, a mixture between playful and shy.
"I ain't had my fill a squashin' you yet." He put the shirt in Ennis' hand, forced Ennis' fingers to close over it.
Jack watched his eyes soften and start to water again. A blanket of warmth settled over him. "I was gonna bring it back to ya, like you told me ta do. But looks like you came back fer it instead."
He watched Ennis sniff and tighten his grip on the shirt. He looked at Jack. "Thank you. Jack, thank you."
"I know those aren't easy words fer you ta say…"
"Never been. But I mean it. Thank you fer not forgettin'." Jack brought his face close to his, rubbed his cheek over Ennis' rough stubble, loved the way it scratched his skin.
He whispered, soft, into his ear. "You really wanna give this a go then?"
Ennis nodded, swallowed hard. "You sayin' you weren't comin' back was a bad shock. Made me suddenly realize what it'd really be like ta never see you again. Hopped in my truck as soon's I explained ta Stoutamire that I needed more time off."
Jack sat up. "How'd that go?"
Ennis shrugged. "Stoutamire owes me. He knows that. And I've been workin'
since you left, so rightfully I got those days to spend still."
He was silent for a moment and then looked down at the shirt, brought it up to his chest, held it tight, his knuckles almost white. "Didn't know if I'd be gettin' this back."
Jack swallowed. He let the severity of what he'd done sink in like ice. Ennis had been so unsure about what he wanted when they'd been on Brokeback, so hesitant to agree to start up some life together, Jack hadn't thought too much about his feelings when he'd made that phone call. But Jack looked at his man now, saw the ghost of hurt in his eyes and was suddenly so sorry. He hadn't wanted to hurt Ennis, had been trying to avoid hurting his family, and had just ended up making things bad for this man, this man he loved with all his being.
"Never meant ta hurt you Ennis. Never wanna hurt you again."
Their lips came together, soft, yet hot, fire when they touched like always.
Jack smiled then, wiped under Ennis' eyes with his thumbs. Ennis chuckled at himself. "Here, cryin' like a little girl."
Jack rubbed the crook of his neck. "Nah. Not a little girl." He paused. "Maybe a teenage girl, sixteen, seventeen."
Ennis barked laughter, something that went right to Jack's core and he smiled wide for the hundredth time, a grin that touched his eyes, took up half his face. Ennis settled back down and ran his hands up Jack's back.
Jack bit his lip, serious again. "If we do this I can't give up my family, Bobby n' Eliza. Don't wanna hurt them anymore neither."
Ennis nodded. "And I won't give up Junior and the new baby. Francine's comin' ta town too now. Damn, whole world seems like its just crashin' down 'round me."
Jack tangled his fingers in the hair on Ennis' chest, twisted absent-mindedly.
Ennis rubbed Jack's sides. "So what we do now then?"
Jack looked down into his man's eyes, saw his own reflection there and somehow that warmed him in a way nothing else could, eased his mind— Ennis was there, in Texas with him, holding him, filling him up, and only had eyes for him. They'd find a way, something.
He shook his head, brushed his lips across Ennis' gently once more, tasted smoke and sweat, and fire—everything they'd had on Brokeback in the book and in reality.
"Truth is Ennis…" He ran his hands up to his neck, loved the muscles under his fingers. "I got no idea."
And that was enough for now.
The End.